little kids piss me off. by little, i mean anyone between 10 and 14. they talk to you with a tone that says nothing other than "my shit doesn't stink". the odd thing is that i distinctly remember ranting like this around the same time last year. again, i found myself dealing a poker game for a bar mitzva last weekend. from my past experience, i tried to prepare myself by asking the little fucks if the did indeed know how to play the game. as i expected, they said the did, but i knew they didn't.
the attitude of these little pricks was such that i wish we were in a real casino in vegas or atlantic city. if the movie "casino" has taught me anything, it is you don't fuck around with the house. or else, you get taken to back room and have your fingers introduced to mr. sledgehammer. although, since it's little kids, maybe we can break their tamagachis or whatever the fuck they play with nowadays. then we could shove pogs up their ass until their slammer comes out of their mouth. i have never before in my life wished death upon anyone... until i got to that fucking party last weekend. you would too if the kids were throwing poker chips at you, spilling drinks on the felt of the poker table, and asking you nonsensical questions such as "are you a librarian?" only a 13 year old could think of something that stupid to say. that, and "my father is the mayor of manorville." the good part is that they set themselves up nicely for "no, i'm you daddy, bitch!"
how come at every party i deal poker at, there is a kid who tells me that they have a relative who's been on tv for the espn poker tournaments? again, a kid sat next to me and said his uncle was in the world series of poker. i turned to him, stared him in the eye for about 7.63 seconds, and said "ask me if i care".
if you ever come across young kids, please lie to them. i don't care if you're a teacher: lie to them. don't give them your real name. call yourself an actor or musician that they would never hear about. tell them you're from uraguay and your parents were tv producers for that country's version of american idol. covert them to the metric system so that they're fucked when they grow up. then right before you part, tell them that you're a diagnosed sociopath to really fuck with their minds. they will second guess everything true that you decided to tell them. then end the conversation by calling them a queef-chugging cunt nugget before running away arms swaying and screaming at the top of your lungs.
(keep that in mind: queef-chugging cunt nugget. it may come in handy someday)
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