today's rant: telemarketer revenge, NKOTB leggings

my daughter's glow-worm plays pachelbel's canon, and it got me thinking.  you know what you call that shotgun-like expulsion of poop out of your ass after eating too much mexican food?  taco bell's cannon.

i was driving home for the last mile down my street, and i started noticing how many houses have the solar-powered lamps that they put in the ground around their house.  i couldn't help but think that the more solar-powered lights that they had around the house, the more i noticed that those lights don't illuminate jack shit.  they light up just enough to notice them, but if you're walking up to the front steps, you're shit out of luck.  chances are that you're going to step on the family pet because the lamps won't even light up the grass underneath.  the only real practical use of those solar panels is to hard-wire them to your cellphone charger.  if you must buy a solar-powered lamp, do not buy them from the christmas tree shoppe for $1.  they won't work.  as a matter of fact, do yourself a favor and don't buy anything from x-mas tree shoppe for $1.

when my wife was in the second grade, if she had an bathroom "accident", it was always with one particular set of leggings.  it was her new kids on the block leggings.  ironically enough, "oh--oh--OH-Oh-oh" is the exact sound you would make if there was crap and pee running down your legs as you would try to pull your pants down fast enough.

i recommend everyone reading this should bookmark rick astley's "never gonna give you up" on youtube.  why?  the next time a telemarketer calls you at 8am on a sunday morning because they have no souls, click on the bookmark, crank the volume as high as it can go, and hold the phone to the speakers.  it's not illegal to do that.  i wish this was my idea, but i got the idea where i get most of my other good ideas:  the internet.

the results of the whitney huston autopsy are in.  and the winner of the "what was the cause of death" bet is a three-way-tie between anyone who said "drowning", "heart failure", and "drugs".  i think it's fair to say that 95% of people said drugs, so congratulations to everyone.

today's rant: st. patrick's day dance

at my local social hall, they have fundraising events to help pay the bills.  last month, i dealt blackjack for casino night.  just tonight, my wife worked as a waitress for their st. patrick's day dance.  let me elaborate:  the hall has dances for every holiday, no matter how mundane.

for a little extra cash, my wife was tasked to clean up the bathrooms during the party breakdown.  as i was doing the laundry, she called me on her way home and asked me what the last thing i thought would be found in the men's room bathroom stall.  i said "a $100 bill?"  she said "no.  jizz.  i had to clean up jizz."  there is a legitimate chance that someone i pass masturbated all over the men's room toilet seat.  on the off chance that any of them are reading this, i think it's only fair to warn you that we have taken a sample.  look for me collecting empty cups and glasses to look for DNA samples to compare.

here's an email i received yesterday:

Your resume caught my eye!  GEICO is seeking individuals with a competitive spirit who enjoy building and preserving relationships with customers.  Your goal is to handle detailed insurance issues while providing quality customer service in order retain and strengthen our customer connection.  Based on your background, interest and potential GEICO’s Customer Service opportunity can be your next and last career.  

Why GEICO?  Because 5, 10 or 20 years from now, you’ll be able to look back and see the impact you made on our company, our customers and our community.  And you’ll see the difference we made in you!

GEICO offers a variety of career paths, performance-based promotions and a competitive Total Rewards Program featuring:

• Industry recognized, full paid training
• Medical, Dental & Vision Coverage
• 401K, Profit-Sharing and Flexible Spending accounts
• Paid Vacations, Holiday and Sick Leave
• Amenities and Perks through corporate and local partnerships

I look forward to receiving your application!

my reply:

Why the fuck would I want to work for Geico?  Did you even read my resume?  What are you smoking to want to think that my background has anything to do with insurance?  How stupid are you?  Did YOU even go to college?  Take your 15 minutes and go fist yourself.

women should wear backpacks.  wife, stop telling me that people can go through a backpack and steal things.  men wear backpacks and shit don't get stolen.  and no matter what you say, men do not get pick pocketed out of their backpacks.  this is because they get pick pocketed out of their pockets.  you wouldn't know about this because you don't have pockets in any clothing below your waist.

at least women have wallets, but shit is getting out of hand.  women have wallets that are bigger but less expensive then some coach bags.  my mind hurts just thinking about it.  guys, our wallets carry everything ever needed, no matter what the situation.  cash, credit cards, pictures, membership cards, library cards, cards of every type.  there's even a card with tools on it, including a flathead screwdriver head, a ruler, a can opener, and a saw.  a SAW!!!  even after all those different cards, we still have room for a condom.  that is the end all to be all.  we need nothing else.  ladies, please, i'm begging you, simplify your lives.  you don't need a box of tampons, two of every pill in the medicine cabinet, a coin purse, 7 pieces of makeup for your eyes alone in a bag that can double as a weapon if you want to hammer-throw it at a rampaging jaguar.  just get a fucking backpack.

for the love of god, why are there two live-action snow white movies being released this year?  there's one with julia roberts and one with charlize theron, each of which are playing the evil queen.  who would you rather see as the evil queen, the hooker with the heart of gold or a safe-cracking safe-cracker's daughter?  i shall not watch either.

if yahoo is going to have a news article about the temptations suing some company over digital download royalties, then they shouldn't be showing a picture of the temptations in which four of the members are dead.  digital downloads did not exist when most of these guys died.

today's rant: ebay

i've just finished reading an article on yahoo about someone shopping at a thrift store, checking the items out on ebay over his smart phone, then buying something on which he can make a profit.  disclaimer:  i am not advocating this as i have never tried it.  the reason i'm writing about this is that comments at the bottom of the page were saturated with failed and disgruntled ebay power sellers complaining about such things as "this article is a scam", "ebay and yahoo are in bed together", "ebay is a crock", and "you can't make a profit on ebay."

these people are obviously out of touch with reality.  in fact, i want to know what drugs they are taking and where i can get some in order to feel this sense of self-righteousness. (now, some of you might be thinking, "why isn't this asshole posting his complaints on the article?"  the answer is that my comment would get drowned out and never read.  here, it'll stay forever.) these ebay sellers clearly don't know who shops on ebay.  we, as ebay buyers, want to buy shit at the lowest price possible.  we don't want you to make a profit.  myself, as an occasional ebay seller, sell shit i don't want anymore, such as old computer parts.  i don't sell to make a profit.  as long as i get rid of something and make a buck on it, i don't give a shit.  do you want to know why?  having a real full-time job helps a lot.  even more so, i'm currently unemployed, but i'm not stupid enough to think i can support a family by selling on ebay.  how fucking delirious do you have to be to try to make a full time living by selling shit by yourself on the internet, knowing you have to ship the shit and pay selling fees, and then have the nerve to blame ebay for your shortsightedness?