have you ever met anyone that was griping about something so stupid you wanted to smack them in the face? let me tell you about my trip to the post office yesterday.
why is it that no matter what time of day it is, there is always a line long enough to think you're going to spend more time there than the doctor's office? the next time i'm actually AT the doctor's office, i'll just give them my mail and same some time. so while i was on line, and i heard this snooty bitch behind the counter who said "this is the USPS titanic, a slowly sinking ship, with everyone ordering online and paying bills online and emailing." yeah? really? the line is going outside the door and you're complaining about lack of service? are you blind and stupid? i think you tied that hair tie too much. it's cutting off circulation to your brain. even if you're losing business, maybe it's because your post office keeps losing people's credit bills, you keep raising the price of all your services, and you just plain don't deliver on martin luther king day. fuck you.
i now know what a $500 stroller looks like. it was delivered yesterday evening by UPS. the store said it would take two weeks to ship the stroller. it took three days. again, fuck you, post office! originally, we just wanted to pick up the damn thing. the only one the store had in the color we (barbara) wanted was the display model. we asked customer service if we could buy that one. they looked it up in their computer and said that they don't have it in stock in that color and they don't normally stock that color. we said, "yes, you do. it's right there. it's being displayed." they said "oh, that's a return." we said "so what?" they still didn't give it to us. idiots. if we have to cough up hundreds of dollars on a stroller, you better believe we're going to try to get last year's model on display and save at least $100.
i hate the christmas tree shop, buy buy baby, and bed bath & beyond. i don't think it's any coincidence that they are all owned by the same company. my reason for hating them is stupid, but it's the best reason i have. the layout for all three stores is exactly the same. they are giant squares. the customers walk all four sides in a predetermined path, with the final side having the cash registers. the reason i want to kick myself in the nuts every time we go to these stores is that eventually, by the time we reach the registers, there is always some item we forgot or missed and we'll have to walk around the fucking store AT LEAST TWO MORE TIMES TO FIND THE FUCKING THINGS!! you're just walking around, passing the same shit you didn't want to buy the first time, and you start hallucinating that those items are secretly mocking you. the silicone cookware and the cheap, overpriced aluminum storage racks are laughing at you because you have to pass them over and over and over again just because you couldn't find that one kitchen cleaner that's certified to be excrement-free the first time. gentlemen, bring your ipod. if you're making a gift registry at any of these stores, make sure you keep the gun and only walk around once. if you forget something, fuck it. you'll be back in a week anyway because someone forgot to add one "we absolutely need this on the registry" item on your list.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
today's rant: i'm older
now that i'm 28, i don't feel any different than a year ago. maybe that'll change when the kid arrives.
rosie o'donnell has gotten exponentially stupider with each TV show she has been on.
i've come to the realization that when it comes to cinema, i am very low brow. i've downloaded and seen some "critically acclaimed" movies that get all the praise from the likes of roger ebert (jesus christ, he looks like a disney world robot with that new chin of his). to be honest, i'm not that impressed. i've seen "no country for old men". it was boring. i've watched "little miss sunshine". it wasn't funny. i don't like it when movie award shows tell me what movies to like. i much prefer to have my movie experiences be organic. boy meets movie, boy likes movie, boy buys movie dvd, boy and movie grow old together. no outside interference required.
collegehumor.com has pointed out that newt gingrich's head has evolved into ted kennedy's head. i didn't notice until they pointed it out.
i have a t-shirt that was given to me before i got married. it is a black t-shirt with a white silhouette of a couple getting married. underneath reads "GAME OVER" in letters that have been ironed on. unfortunately, the bottom horizontal stroke of the letter E in "GAME" has fallen off the fabric, so that it now reads "GAMF OVER". i think i'll still keep the t-shirt just to confuse people.
i hate telemarketers with a passion. they call on sundays and national holidays without any shame or hopes of getting laid that night. i have never personally known a telemarketer. if i did, i'd kick them in the reproductive organs just to make sure they didn't sire any genetically weak offspring in the future. i encourage everyone to do the same.
rosie o'donnell has gotten exponentially stupider with each TV show she has been on.
i've come to the realization that when it comes to cinema, i am very low brow. i've downloaded and seen some "critically acclaimed" movies that get all the praise from the likes of roger ebert (jesus christ, he looks like a disney world robot with that new chin of his). to be honest, i'm not that impressed. i've seen "no country for old men". it was boring. i've watched "little miss sunshine". it wasn't funny. i don't like it when movie award shows tell me what movies to like. i much prefer to have my movie experiences be organic. boy meets movie, boy likes movie, boy buys movie dvd, boy and movie grow old together. no outside interference required.
collegehumor.com has pointed out that newt gingrich's head has evolved into ted kennedy's head. i didn't notice until they pointed it out.
i have a t-shirt that was given to me before i got married. it is a black t-shirt with a white silhouette of a couple getting married. underneath reads "GAME OVER" in letters that have been ironed on. unfortunately, the bottom horizontal stroke of the letter E in "GAME" has fallen off the fabric, so that it now reads "GAMF OVER". i think i'll still keep the t-shirt just to confuse people.
i hate telemarketers with a passion. they call on sundays and national holidays without any shame or hopes of getting laid that night. i have never personally known a telemarketer. if i did, i'd kick them in the reproductive organs just to make sure they didn't sire any genetically weak offspring in the future. i encourage everyone to do the same.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
today's rant: future endeavored, originally 12/12/11
why is it that whenever i have passengers in my car and the car comes to a stop at our destination, my passengers somehow believe that their car door has magically unlocked itself? out of spite, i've stopped unlocking the doors for them when they fail to recognize this. i've grown accustomed to watching my mom and grandma stare at the door handle for long periods of time and ask them "have you forgotten how a car door works?"
i am no longer making sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads. the parent company has decided to shut us down and i was the very first person to get the big screw last week. that's right, i got future endeavored. hey quantronix, you did a really bad job of keeping this news from us. we knew a week ahead of time that the guillotine was coming down and it gave us ample time to prepare. scott, at your next job, you might not want to say such phrases as "cut the fat" and "list by tuesday" in the hallway. shawn heard the whole thing. merry christmas, quantronix.
i am no longer making sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads. the parent company has decided to shut us down and i was the very first person to get the big screw last week. that's right, i got future endeavored. hey quantronix, you did a really bad job of keeping this news from us. we knew a week ahead of time that the guillotine was coming down and it gave us ample time to prepare. scott, at your next job, you might not want to say such phrases as "cut the fat" and "list by tuesday" in the hallway. shawn heard the whole thing. merry christmas, quantronix.
today's rant: license to talk, originally 11/5/11
i know that the first amendment of the US bill of rights provides that congress shall make no law prohibiting the freedom of a person to speak their mind. OK. how about we just have people take a test? if you pass, you can say whatever you want and you get a license to talk. **LET ME CLARIFY** before someone sicks the ACLU on my ass. the test should be about a person's mental ability to say the appropriate thing at the appropriate time. for example, the word "fuck". saying "fuck" in anger, passion, in a comedic setting or the like is perfectly acceptable. saying "fuck" to a room of kindergarteners is a no go. that person should have their license to talk suspended. however, documented ongoing evidence of talking shit out of your mouth should lead to a lifetime ban altogether. i'm talking about the kind of ravings that should be kept to the confines of a person's head or written or typed in a place where people will hardly ever read them (i.e., everything i've blogged in the past 5 years)
in my head, the following people should have their license to talk revoked FOR LIFE, and thus i refuse to take anything they say with any credibility:
nancy grace.
paul from my job 4 years ago. you were not my supervisor. it was not my job to make you coffee. i was a laser engineer. it was not YOUR job to talk continuously to the girl in the front office.
bill o'reilly
glenn beck (...has nazi tourettes)
the blond girl from fox and friends
the head of the westboro baptist church
mahmood ahmadine-rime-ramalama-dingdong-whateverthefuckhisnameis
sarah palin
rosie o'donnell
joy behar
elisabeth hasselback
whoopi goldberg
sherri shepard
rick santorum
the following people should have their license to talk temporarily suspended:
al sharpton. you can protest against white cops shooting black men all you want. you SHOULD. what you should NOT do is block the 59th street bridge preventing people who had nothing to do with said shootings from getting to work.
hilary clinton.
hank williams jr.
nancy pelosi
peter king
if the above list makes it seem to you that i'm being unreasonably harsh towards fox and my fellow republicans, hey, it's not my fault they yell stupid things in public forums on a routine basis just begging for mass criticism.
speaking of mass criticism, i refuse to post comments on web pages containing news articles of any kind. money back guarantee, there is a left-wing vs. right-wing debate going on regardless of any (or lack of) political content of the news article. i see it as the lowest tier of voicing opinion. the only exception is when someone makes some obscure funny comment referring to the comment maker's favorite cartoon show. those are gold. if you choose to make comments on web pages, don't do it on news articles. so many people post on those things that your comment gets lost in no time. it's almost pointless. save your comments for some stupid SOB on some website hardly anyone goes to anymore and really let them have it.
in my head, the following people should have their license to talk revoked FOR LIFE, and thus i refuse to take anything they say with any credibility:
nancy grace.
paul from my job 4 years ago. you were not my supervisor. it was not my job to make you coffee. i was a laser engineer. it was not YOUR job to talk continuously to the girl in the front office.
bill o'reilly
glenn beck (...has nazi tourettes)
the blond girl from fox and friends
the head of the westboro baptist church
mahmood ahmadine-rime-ramalama-dingdong-whateverthefuckhisnameis
sarah palin
rosie o'donnell
joy behar
elisabeth hasselback
whoopi goldberg
sherri shepard
rick santorum
the following people should have their license to talk temporarily suspended:
al sharpton. you can protest against white cops shooting black men all you want. you SHOULD. what you should NOT do is block the 59th street bridge preventing people who had nothing to do with said shootings from getting to work.
hilary clinton.
hank williams jr.
nancy pelosi
peter king
if the above list makes it seem to you that i'm being unreasonably harsh towards fox and my fellow republicans, hey, it's not my fault they yell stupid things in public forums on a routine basis just begging for mass criticism.
speaking of mass criticism, i refuse to post comments on web pages containing news articles of any kind. money back guarantee, there is a left-wing vs. right-wing debate going on regardless of any (or lack of) political content of the news article. i see it as the lowest tier of voicing opinion. the only exception is when someone makes some obscure funny comment referring to the comment maker's favorite cartoon show. those are gold. if you choose to make comments on web pages, don't do it on news articles. so many people post on those things that your comment gets lost in no time. it's almost pointless. save your comments for some stupid SOB on some website hardly anyone goes to anymore and really let them have it.
today's rant: quantum of solace sucked, originally 9/10/11
what does it say about myspace if there is a "login via facebook" button on the main page?
it took me a while to watch "quantum of solace", but i do not care for it much. comparing it to the other james bond films, i'd give it a two-tumbs-up-my-ass. in general, james bond movies are not my forte. each time i watch one for the first time, the plot is lost to me. from "dr. no" to now, i think the only movie with a sensible enough plot was "goldfinger". it doesn't make sense until i buy the video game and play it through once or twice, just like "goldeneye". at least i can get the gist of "bourne" movies no sweat. however, by the end of a bond movie, i have to replay the mess in my head. "ok. there was a car chase. don't know what led to the car chase, but there was a car chase. um... he is in russia. wait a minute, why the fuck did he got to italy? the fuck? who is that guy? is he a friend? where did he come from? where's Q?" but while i still have "quantum of solace" fresh in my head, allow me to vent.
daniel craig is a shitty james bond. yes, he's a death-defying spy, but he's also a pussy-whipped alcoholic piece of shit. sean connery is no alcoholic piece of shit. daniel craig does not smile. at all! all of the bonds have smiled. you know that awesome grin connery made when pussy galore said her name. i don't know why, maybe i have it backwards. maybe daniel craig just plays a shitty-written james bond.
speaking of shitty writing, why did they take all of the gadgets away?! where are the cars with the missiles behind the headlight? where's the detonating wristwatch? where's the paperclip[ that can unfold unto a parachute? and i ask again: where's Q?!?! i want some old brit kindly asking bond to return all of the badass equipment in pristine order. is that so wrong?
i did not appreciate the quality of villain in "solace", either. no sense of megalomaniac tendencies, no weird quirks or deformities, no nuthin. come to think of it, why are most of the badass bad guys the 2nds in command of the main bad guy? oddjow, jaws, xenia onnotop, that british tart with the knives in "die another day", the list goes on. "solace" had none of that. the bad guy was, in my expert opinion, a grown up version of golum without any testicles and the ax-wielding skills of a desk chair. in the end, he's still a pussy underling doing nothing to enhance the image of villainy of the evil-doers bound to be revealed in the later films (provided that the people who own the james bond franchise can convince a movie studio to make any more movies, since metaphorically, the bond movies have hepatitis C. nobody wants to touch them.) get joss whedon on the case. he can portray a network of evil like no other (see buffy and angel),
finally, what the fuck kind of evil plot was that? "oh, we're launching an evil scheme to take over bolivia's water supply." fuck you! where are the nuclear bombs and shit? where is the evil superweapon? look, i can trump any thread against my water supply right fucking now. want to know how? brita water filters, biatch! i've got like 500 of them under my sink.
it took me a while to watch "quantum of solace", but i do not care for it much. comparing it to the other james bond films, i'd give it a two-tumbs-up-my-ass. in general, james bond movies are not my forte. each time i watch one for the first time, the plot is lost to me. from "dr. no" to now, i think the only movie with a sensible enough plot was "goldfinger". it doesn't make sense until i buy the video game and play it through once or twice, just like "goldeneye". at least i can get the gist of "bourne" movies no sweat. however, by the end of a bond movie, i have to replay the mess in my head. "ok. there was a car chase. don't know what led to the car chase, but there was a car chase. um... he is in russia. wait a minute, why the fuck did he got to italy? the fuck? who is that guy? is he a friend? where did he come from? where's Q?" but while i still have "quantum of solace" fresh in my head, allow me to vent.
daniel craig is a shitty james bond. yes, he's a death-defying spy, but he's also a pussy-whipped alcoholic piece of shit. sean connery is no alcoholic piece of shit. daniel craig does not smile. at all! all of the bonds have smiled. you know that awesome grin connery made when pussy galore said her name. i don't know why, maybe i have it backwards. maybe daniel craig just plays a shitty-written james bond.
speaking of shitty writing, why did they take all of the gadgets away?! where are the cars with the missiles behind the headlight? where's the detonating wristwatch? where's the paperclip[ that can unfold unto a parachute? and i ask again: where's Q?!?! i want some old brit kindly asking bond to return all of the badass equipment in pristine order. is that so wrong?
i did not appreciate the quality of villain in "solace", either. no sense of megalomaniac tendencies, no weird quirks or deformities, no nuthin. come to think of it, why are most of the badass bad guys the 2nds in command of the main bad guy? oddjow, jaws, xenia onnotop, that british tart with the knives in "die another day", the list goes on. "solace" had none of that. the bad guy was, in my expert opinion, a grown up version of golum without any testicles and the ax-wielding skills of a desk chair. in the end, he's still a pussy underling doing nothing to enhance the image of villainy of the evil-doers bound to be revealed in the later films (provided that the people who own the james bond franchise can convince a movie studio to make any more movies, since metaphorically, the bond movies have hepatitis C. nobody wants to touch them.) get joss whedon on the case. he can portray a network of evil like no other (see buffy and angel),
finally, what the fuck kind of evil plot was that? "oh, we're launching an evil scheme to take over bolivia's water supply." fuck you! where are the nuclear bombs and shit? where is the evil superweapon? look, i can trump any thread against my water supply right fucking now. want to know how? brita water filters, biatch! i've got like 500 of them under my sink.
today's rant: goodbye, mr. anderson, originally 7/28/11
there really isn't any special reason for the rant title. i'm watching "the matrix" and that was the line hugo weaving just said to keanu reeves.
i don't know about the rest of you, but i definitely do not need to see the "rise of the planet of the apes" movie. if you have seen the full-length trailer, let me ask this question: is it just me, or did the trailer just spoil the ENTIRE movie? for those who haven't seen the trailer, i'm about to describe it. it has crossed my mind to put a "SPOILER ALERT" somewhere in this, but i'm declining because the trailer is already out. what's done is done. OK, here's the trailer/movie.
james franco tests new drug on monkey (possibly the same drug that turned him into the 2nd green goblin) monkey gets smart, but shunned by those who don't understand it. sounds like my time in high school. monkey gets locked up with the other monkeys, but gets a hold of a cattle prod and shoves it up draco malfoy's butt. monkey releases the drug to the rest of the monkeys. they get smart. they take over.
i just saved you $11 and 2 hours of your life.
i read this in the news earlier today, and i found it ironic. "And although he some learning disabilities, legendary pro-wrestler Mick Foley says he's never met a wrestler like Daniel." ah yes, learning disabilities, like the inability to read or write. "he some learning disabilities".
i don't get the debt ceiling debate. here is what i think it is about, and my view is probably wrong as hell; i'm letting you know that right now. if they pass an agreement, we'll have money to pay debts. if they don't pass an agreement, they won't have money. so somehow, the US gov't will magically get money to pay bills in the next week if an agreement is made. um, here's an idea. if we have a treasury, PRINT MORE FUCKING MONEY!!! don't tell us you're printing money, then come out on all the media outlets this weekend, act all surprised, and say "Oh, we can pay China now." or can't we barter? let's give china the cast of "jersey shore". have you seen their tans? they are solar energy collectors. i defy you to say we can't promote that as an alternative clean energy source. ...ok, maybe "clean" wasn't the right term to use...
this is why i hate reading national news. i just fucking don't care. i care about possibly getting a new coliseum in nassau, but i don't give two shits about debt ceilings. it's all retarded.
i don't know about the rest of you, but i definitely do not need to see the "rise of the planet of the apes" movie. if you have seen the full-length trailer, let me ask this question: is it just me, or did the trailer just spoil the ENTIRE movie? for those who haven't seen the trailer, i'm about to describe it. it has crossed my mind to put a "SPOILER ALERT" somewhere in this, but i'm declining because the trailer is already out. what's done is done. OK, here's the trailer/movie.
james franco tests new drug on monkey (possibly the same drug that turned him into the 2nd green goblin) monkey gets smart, but shunned by those who don't understand it. sounds like my time in high school. monkey gets locked up with the other monkeys, but gets a hold of a cattle prod and shoves it up draco malfoy's butt. monkey releases the drug to the rest of the monkeys. they get smart. they take over.
i just saved you $11 and 2 hours of your life.
i read this in the news earlier today, and i found it ironic. "And although he some learning disabilities, legendary pro-wrestler Mick Foley says he's never met a wrestler like Daniel." ah yes, learning disabilities, like the inability to read or write. "he some learning disabilities".
i don't get the debt ceiling debate. here is what i think it is about, and my view is probably wrong as hell; i'm letting you know that right now. if they pass an agreement, we'll have money to pay debts. if they don't pass an agreement, they won't have money. so somehow, the US gov't will magically get money to pay bills in the next week if an agreement is made. um, here's an idea. if we have a treasury, PRINT MORE FUCKING MONEY!!! don't tell us you're printing money, then come out on all the media outlets this weekend, act all surprised, and say "Oh, we can pay China now." or can't we barter? let's give china the cast of "jersey shore". have you seen their tans? they are solar energy collectors. i defy you to say we can't promote that as an alternative clean energy source. ...ok, maybe "clean" wasn't the right term to use...
this is why i hate reading national news. i just fucking don't care. i care about possibly getting a new coliseum in nassau, but i don't give two shits about debt ceilings. it's all retarded.
today's rant: wedding bells are ringing, originally 5/1/11
one of the most gratifying things about getting married (besides getting married) is that when it's over, there will be so much more space in the house. we have stocked up the house a WHOLE lot of stuff for the wedding. it's been like this for a couple of months, but it's only started to bother me today. what set if off? i can't find the tv remote in the living room. ladies, that might not seem like a big deal, but i promise you... when a guy loses the tv remote, he loses his last sense of security. he starts having a mini panic attack. it doesn't matter if nothing good is on tv. its a sense of control that has been magically taken away from him. goosebumps, his hands start shaking, he almost loses bowel control, he starts making funny, infantile noises, an at his weakest, he'll reach for a pair of scis... oh, here it is. found it.
stop asking me if i'm nervous.
leave it to prince william and princess kate to try to upstage my wedding by having theirs one week before mine. real classy, you brit twits. you're still jealous about us turning boston harbor into a giant tea cup. get over it.
jesus, i got sick of the royal wedding real quick.
stop asking me if i'm nervous.
leave it to prince william and princess kate to try to upstage my wedding by having theirs one week before mine. real classy, you brit twits. you're still jealous about us turning boston harbor into a giant tea cup. get over it.
jesus, i got sick of the royal wedding real quick.
today's rant: entertainment
fucking gas prices.
apparently, there is no more wrestling in WWE, world wrestling entertainment. The company is known as WWE, Inc, not World Wrestling Entertainment Inc. There are no wrestlers, there are only superstars and divas. there are no title belts, there are only championships. they are not a wrestling company, they are only an entertainment company. maybe that's the reason why the wrestling observer newsletter names UFC as the best promotion year after year, despite the fact that UFC IS REAL!!! vincent kennedy mcmahon junior is an idiot.
coincidentally, myspace isn't a social networking site anymore, either. it's "social entertainment". no, it's not. want to know what is really social entertainment? a 1000 person circle jerk. THAT's social entertainment. (sponsored by astroglide, 'cause god knows the logistics of pulling something like that off needs corporate sponsorship)
let's see if the trend keeps going. fox news can be called "journalistic entertainment", taco bell can be called "mexican food entertainment", MTV is "music entertainment".
explain this to me: according to taco bell's website, their 100% USDA inspected beef is 88% beef. that's right. according to their math, 100 = 88. um... how much beef is in the 88% beef? if my math is correct, that would be 77.44%. of course, that naturally means that 77.44% of the beef is really 68.15% beef. isn't math fun?
i had the privilege to submit a story to the darwin awards website for an honorable mention (person almost died doing something really stupid). the moderators approved it for public voting.
http://www.darwinawards.com/slush/201104/pending20110421-091536.html
last thursday morning, a newspaper delivery guy got stuck in an elevator in manhattan between the first floor and the lobby. he pried the doors open and tried to jump out of the elevator. the doorman saw and tried to help by getting a chair to stand on. the guy didn't wait, jumped out, lost his balance, and fell down the elevator chute 25 feet. vote if you want.
apparently, there is no more wrestling in WWE, world wrestling entertainment. The company is known as WWE, Inc, not World Wrestling Entertainment Inc. There are no wrestlers, there are only superstars and divas. there are no title belts, there are only championships. they are not a wrestling company, they are only an entertainment company. maybe that's the reason why the wrestling observer newsletter names UFC as the best promotion year after year, despite the fact that UFC IS REAL!!! vincent kennedy mcmahon junior is an idiot.
coincidentally, myspace isn't a social networking site anymore, either. it's "social entertainment". no, it's not. want to know what is really social entertainment? a 1000 person circle jerk. THAT's social entertainment. (sponsored by astroglide, 'cause god knows the logistics of pulling something like that off needs corporate sponsorship)
let's see if the trend keeps going. fox news can be called "journalistic entertainment", taco bell can be called "mexican food entertainment", MTV is "music entertainment".
explain this to me: according to taco bell's website, their 100% USDA inspected beef is 88% beef. that's right. according to their math, 100 = 88. um... how much beef is in the 88% beef? if my math is correct, that would be 77.44%. of course, that naturally means that 77.44% of the beef is really 68.15% beef. isn't math fun?
i had the privilege to submit a story to the darwin awards website for an honorable mention (person almost died doing something really stupid). the moderators approved it for public voting.
http://www.darwinawards.com/slush/201104/pending20110421-091536.html
last thursday morning, a newspaper delivery guy got stuck in an elevator in manhattan between the first floor and the lobby. he pried the doors open and tried to jump out of the elevator. the doorman saw and tried to help by getting a chair to stand on. the guy didn't wait, jumped out, lost his balance, and fell down the elevator chute 25 feet. vote if you want.
today's rant: fox business news, originally 4/2/11
news corp, you've given me another reason, so i'm taking it.
on the ride home from work, i listen to 1010 wins AM radio for news. just one of the many signs that i'm getting old at the tender age of 27. at about 6:11pm every weeknight, there's an advertisement for fox business news. to be honest, when i first heard that fox had a channel about money, i thought, "why? there is already a channel about money, CNBC. yeah, i know, NBC, leftists, all that BS, but shouldn't money have no political affiliation? doesn't everyone want to be rich? what can fox contribute?"
well, i've been getting a good idea though these commercials. for example, if CNBC wanted me to watch their programming, an ad might say "AT&T plans on buying out T-Mobile. We'll let you know how this affects the telcom industry. Then, will see what other companies might benefit from this merger." on the other hand, a fox business ad to me sounds like "coming up at 7 tonight, we'll discuss how president obama plans on spreading peanut butter over your asshole and fucking you with a banana."
normally, this would piss me off. why does a "business news" channel complain about the democrats so much? in the end, i get a laugh out of it. they do this every day at 6:11 without fail. they don't advertise anything about stock quotes, earnings reports, or CEO interviews. it makes me feel smarter knowing i don't watch the channel.
on the ride home from work, i listen to 1010 wins AM radio for news. just one of the many signs that i'm getting old at the tender age of 27. at about 6:11pm every weeknight, there's an advertisement for fox business news. to be honest, when i first heard that fox had a channel about money, i thought, "why? there is already a channel about money, CNBC. yeah, i know, NBC, leftists, all that BS, but shouldn't money have no political affiliation? doesn't everyone want to be rich? what can fox contribute?"
well, i've been getting a good idea though these commercials. for example, if CNBC wanted me to watch their programming, an ad might say "AT&T plans on buying out T-Mobile. We'll let you know how this affects the telcom industry. Then, will see what other companies might benefit from this merger." on the other hand, a fox business ad to me sounds like "coming up at 7 tonight, we'll discuss how president obama plans on spreading peanut butter over your asshole and fucking you with a banana."
normally, this would piss me off. why does a "business news" channel complain about the democrats so much? in the end, i get a laugh out of it. they do this every day at 6:11 without fail. they don't advertise anything about stock quotes, earnings reports, or CEO interviews. it makes me feel smarter knowing i don't watch the channel.
today's rant: charlie and the looney bin, originally 3/2/11
i've had time to gather my thoughts and form an opinion...
ok, first, i gotta get something else off my chest. taco bell, i don't care. you're cheap. stop with the commercials. wait, what the fuck is that? is that a white person in a taco bell uniform?! what kind of bullshit are you trying to pull?
back to charlie sheen. i've decided to judge charlie's behavior one of two ways, depending on what he wants out of life. so, if he wants to be a good father, husband, actor, and role model, then... based on his behavior... he is a horrible person. he doesn't even know where his children are, and he's still going on interviews. no. NO! that's wrong! on the other hand, if he doesn't want to be a good father, husband, actor (not a bad stretch), or role model, then let him behave however the fuck he wants. that way, he'll party, overdose, and die by the end of the fiscal year and all this media coverage will be over and done with.
ok, first, i gotta get something else off my chest. taco bell, i don't care. you're cheap. stop with the commercials. wait, what the fuck is that? is that a white person in a taco bell uniform?! what kind of bullshit are you trying to pull?
back to charlie sheen. i've decided to judge charlie's behavior one of two ways, depending on what he wants out of life. so, if he wants to be a good father, husband, actor, and role model, then... based on his behavior... he is a horrible person. he doesn't even know where his children are, and he's still going on interviews. no. NO! that's wrong! on the other hand, if he doesn't want to be a good father, husband, actor (not a bad stretch), or role model, then let him behave however the fuck he wants. that way, he'll party, overdose, and die by the end of the fiscal year and all this media coverage will be over and done with.
today's rant: jehova's witness vs. environmentalist, originally 2/27/11
last friday night, i was cooking dinner, chicken & gnocchi soup. basically, i wanted to rip off the olive garden recipe and just make it twice as big to make it a dinner-sized portion. i'm creative that way. so, about halfway through, the doorbell rings. i'm thinking "it's 8pm, it's friday night, someone is a buzzkill. it must be those jehova's witnesses!" so barbara goes to answer the door. as soon as she opens it, i shout from the kitchen, "IT BETTER NOT BE THOSE GODDAMN JEHOVA'S WITNESSES!!!"
to be honest, at this point, i didn't care who it was. it could've been barbara's sister for all i knew. she might've found it funny. as it turned out, it was a guy who wanted to collect letters from residents to urge congressmen to make a law... goddamn this is taking a long time... to stop people from dumping prescriptions down the drain. well, at some point, barbara dropped his clipboard on the ground, fucking up his paperwork in the dark. he said "can i come in to... uh, nevermind." therefore, my contribution to the conversation succeeded.
to be honest, at this point, i didn't care who it was. it could've been barbara's sister for all i knew. she might've found it funny. as it turned out, it was a guy who wanted to collect letters from residents to urge congressmen to make a law... goddamn this is taking a long time... to stop people from dumping prescriptions down the drain. well, at some point, barbara dropped his clipboard on the ground, fucking up his paperwork in the dark. he said "can i come in to... uh, nevermind." therefore, my contribution to the conversation succeeded.
today's rant: peace in the east, originally 2/24/11
i can understand if people would want to revolt against oppressive governments. i just wish those governments can find the safest and quickest means to end the violence... and they better fucking do it fast because my stock portfolio is hurting. get it over with, you assholes. you're ruining the economy for everyone.
today's rant: state of the onion, originally 1/25/11
watching the state of the union address is like going to the movies. there's nothing else to do, the whole thing starts 15 minutes late, and there's always some asshole who interrupts if you're trying to pay attention.
get ready for standing and clapping for no reason after every sentence, same ol' partisan politics, and over-usage of the phrase "the american people" because everyone, EVERYONE, democrat or republican, honestly believes that they know what "the american people" want. that's a bullshit taco with extra hot sauce (taco bell calls it the volcano taco).
i got engraved beer mugs for the guys in my bridal party. when my future father-in-law commented to barbara that i should've gotten pocket watches, i said "what am i, a train conductor? am i clocking a kenyan sprinter getting ready for the olympics?" a pocket watch? what the fuck and i going to do with a pocket watch? i have a watch, a phone, a laptop, a PC, a car radio, an oven, a microwave, and three cable boxes to tell me what time it is. i'm good.
why does john boehner look so uncomfortable listening to obama speak? it looks like he needs some prep-H or he's getting ready to unleash those eleven volcano tacos he ate.
get ready for standing and clapping for no reason after every sentence, same ol' partisan politics, and over-usage of the phrase "the american people" because everyone, EVERYONE, democrat or republican, honestly believes that they know what "the american people" want. that's a bullshit taco with extra hot sauce (taco bell calls it the volcano taco).
i got engraved beer mugs for the guys in my bridal party. when my future father-in-law commented to barbara that i should've gotten pocket watches, i said "what am i, a train conductor? am i clocking a kenyan sprinter getting ready for the olympics?" a pocket watch? what the fuck and i going to do with a pocket watch? i have a watch, a phone, a laptop, a PC, a car radio, an oven, a microwave, and three cable boxes to tell me what time it is. i'm good.
why does john boehner look so uncomfortable listening to obama speak? it looks like he needs some prep-H or he's getting ready to unleash those eleven volcano tacos he ate.
today's rant: what i've learned in 2010, originally 12/27/10
i've learned that if PLX really wanted to keep me as an employee, they would've given me a decent raise a long time ago.
i've learned what a snooki is. oh, who am i kidding, i have not! all i know is snooki want smoosh smoosh.
i've learned that i don't have time to do these rants on a regular basis anymore.
i've learned that this new myspace sucks shit.
i've learned how much i don't care when network tv channels cut their programming.
i now know how uptight people still are about muslims. a mosque is a mosque. it is not a jihad recruiting center, no matter what NY representative peter king thinks.
i've learned that new york has no money. i'm not sure it ever had money.
i've learned that winning radio prizes is a nice way of having little perks that you don't have to claim on your taxes.
i have learned that drinking can make me start driving on the wrong side of the highway.
i've learned that "idol" is no longer watchable.
i've learned that brett favre and xtina aguilera should probably hang up their gloves.
i've learned what beiber fever is. thankfully, i got immunized back when i got my cootie shot in 1st grade.
i've learned how much a wedding kinda costs. i say kinda 'cause i'm working with a budget and we've stayed in it so far.
i've learned that when you need kanye the most, he's not around. f you, taylor swift. you suck.
speaking of sucking, i've learned that the giants can't get back to where they were 3 years ago. first strahan retired, then plaxy shot himself. i'll be paying more attention to the jets next year.
i've learned what a snooki is. oh, who am i kidding, i have not! all i know is snooki want smoosh smoosh.
i've learned that i don't have time to do these rants on a regular basis anymore.
i've learned that this new myspace sucks shit.
i've learned how much i don't care when network tv channels cut their programming.
i now know how uptight people still are about muslims. a mosque is a mosque. it is not a jihad recruiting center, no matter what NY representative peter king thinks.
i've learned that new york has no money. i'm not sure it ever had money.
i've learned that winning radio prizes is a nice way of having little perks that you don't have to claim on your taxes.
i have learned that drinking can make me start driving on the wrong side of the highway.
i've learned that "idol" is no longer watchable.
i've learned that brett favre and xtina aguilera should probably hang up their gloves.
i've learned what beiber fever is. thankfully, i got immunized back when i got my cootie shot in 1st grade.
i've learned how much a wedding kinda costs. i say kinda 'cause i'm working with a budget and we've stayed in it so far.
i've learned that when you need kanye the most, he's not around. f you, taylor swift. you suck.
speaking of sucking, i've learned that the giants can't get back to where they were 3 years ago. first strahan retired, then plaxy shot himself. i'll be paying more attention to the jets next year.
today's rant: people are still stupid, originally 12/15/10
let me share some examples of just how stupid i think people are.
on facebook, when i was trying to login, they redirected me to something to supposedly enhance my security on the site. one of the things is a private question. i get to choose the question they ask. however, one of the options is "what are the last 5 characters on your driver's license?" are you fucking kidding me? it's like a cornucopia for hackers. they might as well ask me "what are the final 8 numbers on your social security card?" this coming from time magazine's "person of the year." fuck you, zuckerberg! go suck a cock.
on long island's highways, they've got those electronic signs that let people know what the upcoming traffic is like. well, lately, there have been 6 reported instances of people driving drunk on the wrong side of the highway, 2 of which have resulted in fatal car crashes. (by the way, the 4th law of physics is that for every fatality in a drunk driving car crash, the person dead is NEVER the drunk driver. so if you don't want to die in a car accident, BE DRUNK!) in response, the traffic signs, when there is no traffic, lately have said "don't drink & drive, it's the law". i think it would make more sense if they had that message facing AWAY from traffic. the drunk assholes driving on the wrong side of the highway can't see that sign, so might was well have the sign facing the opposite direction.
1010 wins radio covered the thanksgiving day parade. a radio channel talked about the balloons of a parade. REEEEEEEEEEEEEEtaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard.
on facebook, when i was trying to login, they redirected me to something to supposedly enhance my security on the site. one of the things is a private question. i get to choose the question they ask. however, one of the options is "what are the last 5 characters on your driver's license?" are you fucking kidding me? it's like a cornucopia for hackers. they might as well ask me "what are the final 8 numbers on your social security card?" this coming from time magazine's "person of the year." fuck you, zuckerberg! go suck a cock.
on long island's highways, they've got those electronic signs that let people know what the upcoming traffic is like. well, lately, there have been 6 reported instances of people driving drunk on the wrong side of the highway, 2 of which have resulted in fatal car crashes. (by the way, the 4th law of physics is that for every fatality in a drunk driving car crash, the person dead is NEVER the drunk driver. so if you don't want to die in a car accident, BE DRUNK!) in response, the traffic signs, when there is no traffic, lately have said "don't drink & drive, it's the law". i think it would make more sense if they had that message facing AWAY from traffic. the drunk assholes driving on the wrong side of the highway can't see that sign, so might was well have the sign facing the opposite direction.
1010 wins radio covered the thanksgiving day parade. a radio channel talked about the balloons of a parade. REEEEEEEEEEEEEEtaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard.
today's rant: department stores, originally 10/20/10
department stores really are gender biased. that is to say, they are biased against women. however, i don't think women mind or notice. here's what i'm talking about. today, at macy's, for women's clothing, there was a dkny section, a kasper section, and other sections based on designer. men have it much easier. we have a shirt section, a pants section, and an underwear section. done deal.
today's rant: rick sanchez & juan williams, originally 10/23/10
If you work in the media industry and state an opinion that is something completely stupid, offensive, and/or paranoid, should you be fired? Short answer: no. Long answer: I don’t think it should be the producers and administrators to decide. It should be decided by the viewers/readers/consumers. It’s a simple process. If you don’t like what you’re watching, don’t watch it again. If you don’t like what you read, stop reading it. If you don’t like what you’re listening to, listen to something else. Let the ratings drop. THEN, companies like CNN and NPR have a legitimate reason for firing the stupid SOB.
today's rant: 3-word quotes, originally 10/20/10
Ok, let’s try something a little less offensive.
I’m starting a new job at the beginning of November. I’m excited because I get some nice new perks, including more money and life insurance. I’m also a little nervous because I have to learn new things, I have to manage the new commute and make sure I’m not late, but most nerve-racking of all… I don’t know if the new job has good toilet paper. In the end, that’s my biggest concern (a little double talk there, you’re welcome). At my current job, we have something called “Windsoft” toilet paper. The name makes sense, if by “wind” they mean “frigid ice storm” and by “soft” they mean “shards of broken glass”. I really hope the person who orders the toilet paper at my new job respects himself enough to get the good stuff.
I think I’m just looking for a better work bathroom experience in general. The bathroom at work now has a lot of room for improvement. One toilet flushes better than the other. In my college dorm, we’d have names for each kind. The toilets with less flushing power were the “pissers” and the toilets with more flushing power were the “shitters”. Besides that, someone at work washes their hands before going into the bathroom stall. Someone else doesn’t know how to aim. I’ve written a note on the wall saying “Stop pissing on the floor and on the toilet seat.” Someone else just likes to leave unused paper towels on the floor. Not even near the garbage either, thrown back 4 feet. Just today, I saw short-’n-curlies in the sink.
I watched 5 minutes of last night’s NY gubernatorial debate. It was entertaining at first, but it didn’t talk long for people to get off-topic. I turned the TV off at that point.
If Cablevision is your TV provider and you’re going to be sad if you don’t see “Glee”, reconsider your priorities.
And now, I present my favorite famous 3-word movie quotes.
“I love lamp.” – Anchorman
“Fuck this planet” – Mission to Mars
“Tommy want wingie.” – Tommy Boy
“Iceberg, right ahead!” – Titanic
“Stay on target.” – Star Wars: A New Hope
"Who's scruffy lookin'?" “Size matters not.” – Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back
“You complete me.” – Jerry Maguire
“ET phone home.” – ET
“I’ll be back” – Terminator
“Resistance is futile.” – Star Trek: First Contact
“Run, Forrest! Run!” – Forrest Gump
“He slimed me.” “Mother puss bucket” – Ghostbusters
“Everyone has AIDS!” – Team America: World Police
“One million dollars!” - Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
“Sorry. I farted.” – Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
“This… Is… Sparta!!!” – 300
“Party on, Wayne.” “Party on, Garth.” – Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World 2
“Free your mind.” – The Matrix
“Bond. James Bond.” – Dr. No
“Sweep the leg.” – The Karate Kid
"Paging Dr. Faggot." - The Hangover
today's rant: hey news corp! originally 10/17/10
don't care. i don't care if you cut off your broadcast channels fox5 and my9 from my cable service.
hang on, got distracted with some phony messages. allow me to share:
you look appealing, RAWR! <3 hehehe how are you? see my site at...
my response:
blow me. you can't sucker me in. you're no different from the other bunches of guys behind computer screens in some 3rd world country trying to get me to your stupid website and fuck my computer up with god knows what software. go shove a shards-o-glass tampon up your ass.
next message:
whats up? long time no see! come check me out at...
my response:
"long time no see" my ass. like i told the other profile who just tried to message me, shove a shards-o-glass tampon up your ass.
that just wasted 6 minutes of my life.
as i was saying, news corp, i'm not dropping cablevision, no matter how evil they are, just because you pull 2 channels. first off, nobody... NOBODY watches my9. secondly, your commercials of not being able to see "idol", "glee", the world series, or the giants anymore. gotcha there. i'm not gonna watch "idol" anymore anyway. j lo lip syncs & steven tyler has a history of substance abuse. if that's the image of musicianship you want to portray, be my guest. "glee" has to be the queerest show i've never watched. scratch that. i watched 6 minutes one day. that was enough. i'll take "my fair wedding with david tutera" over that any day of the week. "glee" makes "queer eye for the straight guy" look like "24". when it comes to the sports, i can walk into an innumerable amount of bars, grills, and family restaurants and still see any sport any time i want WITH drink specials and 25 cent wings. that is not going to make me stop my cable service.
go blow it out of bill o'reilly's ass.
hang on, got distracted with some phony messages. allow me to share:
you look appealing, RAWR! <3 hehehe how are you? see my site at...
my response:
blow me. you can't sucker me in. you're no different from the other bunches of guys behind computer screens in some 3rd world country trying to get me to your stupid website and fuck my computer up with god knows what software. go shove a shards-o-glass tampon up your ass.
next message:
whats up? long time no see! come check me out at...
my response:
"long time no see" my ass. like i told the other profile who just tried to message me, shove a shards-o-glass tampon up your ass.
that just wasted 6 minutes of my life.
as i was saying, news corp, i'm not dropping cablevision, no matter how evil they are, just because you pull 2 channels. first off, nobody... NOBODY watches my9. secondly, your commercials of not being able to see "idol", "glee", the world series, or the giants anymore. gotcha there. i'm not gonna watch "idol" anymore anyway. j lo lip syncs & steven tyler has a history of substance abuse. if that's the image of musicianship you want to portray, be my guest. "glee" has to be the queerest show i've never watched. scratch that. i watched 6 minutes one day. that was enough. i'll take "my fair wedding with david tutera" over that any day of the week. "glee" makes "queer eye for the straight guy" look like "24". when it comes to the sports, i can walk into an innumerable amount of bars, grills, and family restaurants and still see any sport any time i want WITH drink specials and 25 cent wings. that is not going to make me stop my cable service.
go blow it out of bill o'reilly's ass.
today's rant: no news is good news, originally 10/8/10
Since the beginning of the year, I have been limiting the number of news sources on TV to which I pay attention. To begin, I don’t watch ABC news anymore. Since ABC pulled their own plug when Cablevision did not want to pay them for their standard network TV, I called their bluff and stopped watching, even when they went back on the air. I don’t watch “Survivor”, “Grey’s Anatomy”, or the Oscars, so ABC can go fuck themselves. No big loss to me. Next, I’ve stopped watching CNN. They get their news from Facebook and Twitter. How reliable is that? “The most trusted news source on TV” can suck it. Aside from that, Wolf Blitzer just scares the fuck out of me. I also refuse to watch Fox News. It’s not a news channel. It’s not. …No, you’re not listening to me, it’s not. IT’S NOT. Just watch it at night. No, fuck that. Just look at the channel guide. It’s opinion. Opinion isn’t news. Fuck, they should just change their tagline to “We imply, you agree, or you’re a terrorist.” They’re just doing the same thing now that CNN and MSNBC did during the Bush administration. I’ve seen this already. It’s old.
With that said, what the hell am I supposed to watch? I’ve narrowed my TV news sources to just three. Firstly, News 12 Long Island. Yes, they show Facebook comments, but I care more about what Ida in West Hempstead has to say than Cletus in Biloxi, Mississippi. At least they don’t give me New York City traffic and weather. They give me actual Long Island traffic and weather. Hellz yea, MoFo. Next up, I’ve started watching more CNBC. Money has no political agenda. All I know is I want more of it. Finally, late night Comedy Central. Stewart and Colbert show the idiocies of both sides of the political aisle, and I think that’s the only sane way to make an objective decision about something. Whether it’s Stewart’s bashing of Glen Beck or Colbert’s truthiness about the evil of bears (those giant, marauding, Godless killing machines), I get what I need to set my mind at ease.
This works for me. I suggest finding what works for you.
today's rant: 1, 2, 3, 4, we don't like the jersey shore, originally 10/7/10
With the advent of “jersey shore”, mtv is now truly dead. It has almost achieved what it set out to do back in the mid 90s, to make music a thing of the past. It only has two pieces of redeeming grace: mtv hits channel 188 still playing music videos and “jackass”. However, since there is no turning back from the toilet that mtv has built itself to be, this is going to be less complaining and more ol’ fashioned cursing.
Take it from a long islander like me; the cast of “jersey shore” ain’t scripting it. Keep in mind, I have never watched an episode, but I’ve heard enough to know what’s up. How? I grew up around this type of people. Literally. I went to high school with this type. I found out just today that some dumb bitch in the cast is from my home town. example: a month ago, we took the LIRR back from nyc late at night and wanted to stop at 7-11 for some big gulps. I stopped at the 7-11 in garden city at the merillon avenue train station. garden city is 1 town away from franklin square, where i went to high school. outside the shop were 3 done-up sports cars complete with “fast & furious” gauges on the dashboard and greasy Italian bastards in white tank tops leaning on the hoods. As we pulled up, I turned to Barbara and said “I told you they existed!” as we were leaving with our sodas, I swear to you, I saw that one of the guidos was flexing his arm and having one of the other guidos feel his muscle. I wanted to shout out my window as we drove away, “hey, when you’re done feeling him up, how ’bout you come feel me up too, sweetheart?”
On an unrelated note, if you live eastern Suffolk and have the opportunity to vote for tim bishop or randy altschuler for the HOR, let me just voice my opinion that randy altschuler is retarded. His last two radio ads contradict each other. His most recent ad said the incumbent bishop did not vote to extend the bush era tax cuts (by the way, nobody voted to extend the tax cuts because the vote hasn’t happened yet, fucktard) while the ad before said he voted for obama’s stimulus package, which included tax refunds. I remember getting my extra $600. They’re portraying obama’s stimulus package as bad and bush’s as good simply because they represent different political parties. So what is it, altschuler? Are tax cuts good or bad?
It makes me sick. It seems more productive for a radio ad for a candidate to talk about what they are going to do as opposed to what the opponent did or did not do. I hear that in debates but not advertisements. Why? Take the time. I’m sitting at work all day listening to the same 10 songs for 8 hours straight. I have the time to listen to something else. Just fucking tell me. What are you going to do? Are you going to do anything at all? Fuck, just tell me!
On another unrelated note, if you’re gay, don’t kill yourself. Outside of school, nobody cares if a person is gay or not. We’ve got other things to worry about than that. And if you’re being bullied, get over it. It’s not going to matter in 4 years because you’ll never see those people again.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
today's rant: hannah montitties, originally 8/29/10
So I hear that Hannah Montana wants fake tits. Yes, truly a positive role model for my young cousins. OK, I have stated in the past that if a person wants plastic surgery to make them feel better about themselves, it’s OK as long as everything is in proportion. Little Miss Disney, being 17, asked for and received consent from her parents, Mr. and Mrs. Montana. Now, I’ve heard of parents giving their daughters whatever the fuck they want, like BMWs and shit, but where is the line drawn? I imagine that little twit going to her parents and saying, “Mom, Dad, I don’t want this squeaky clean image anymore. I want to be more that the girl that everyone sees on the Disney Channel. I want fake boobs.” If her parents buy that, what’s to stop her from saying, “Mom, Dad, I don’t want this squeaky clean image anymore. I want to be more that the girl that everyone sees on the Disney Channel. I want to be a man” and having them give in?
today's rant: mosque, originally 8/21/10
let them have the mosque near ground zero. i don't care.
my local house rep, peter king, has stated that building a mosque near there would be insensitive to the people of new york. if he's so concerned with everyone's sensitivities, he needs to go change his tampon and go take some midol. good luck getting back in office, you pussy.
by the way, on long island, the tea party movement is behind chris cox. that's right. the tea baggers love cox.
my local house rep, peter king, has stated that building a mosque near there would be insensitive to the people of new york. if he's so concerned with everyone's sensitivities, he needs to go change his tampon and go take some midol. good luck getting back in office, you pussy.
by the way, on long island, the tea party movement is behind chris cox. that's right. the tea baggers love cox.
today's rant: people are stupid, originally 7/18/10
yahoo news stories has these comments that people can leave about the story. in the ones i've read in the past hour, there is always some recent left wing vs. right wing opinion in the comments, even though the story is not about politics. let's see what we've got.
first, the political stories:
"Tea party group expels leader for ‘clearly offensive’ blog post"
comment: A teabagger is . . . .a person who believes "free speech" consists of shouting down discussion at Town Hall meetings
"South Africans mark Mandela's birthday"
Comment: The Nobel Peace prize was an ffirmative action gift. Free stuff for being colored. Nothing done to deserve any prize.
first, the political stories:
"Tea party group expels leader for ‘clearly offensive’ blog post"
comment: A teabagger is . . . .a person who believes "free speech" consists of shouting down discussion at Town Hall meetings
"South Africans mark Mandela's birthday"
Comment: The Nobel Peace prize was an ffirmative action gift. Free stuff for being colored. Nothing done to deserve any prize.
"Suicide attacks kill at least 48 in Iraq"
comment: ...instead of attacking obummer mccain made nice to him..you claimed he wasn't a muslim when you knew he was...now we have holder letting wack jobs shabozz, polanski, captured terrorists, etc off...soon coming 30million legal illegals...go away you old hack...
(ok, to be honest, i have no idea what the fuck this guy is saying)
now, let's get to the stories not about politics"Officials say gunmen kill 17 at party in Mexico"
comment: perfect timing for the traitor in chief to side with mexico against americans, see ya in nov prick
"Microneedles may make getting flu shots easier"
comment: How do you sheeple feel about the recent signing of a bill to shut down the Internets during a "national security issue?" Does that even make a lick of sense? If there was some 9/11 inside jobber gone steroids that included the whole country, wouldn't it follow that we should have channels for information? You know, like those warnings on tv that they do tests of? It sounds like "they" are planning some major thingie that will either cause mass uprisings (like if they go door to door and forcing us to get vaxed) or create a food shortage which causes riots, or another "terrorist" (*cough* inside job *cough*) attack. So they have to take down our means for amassing and learning the real deal. They will disable Twitter and cell phones. Get those walkie talkies that go 15 miles and get ham radios.
(just for the record, i HOPE they disable twitter. it's annoying the fuck out of me)
"Google expansion helps economy, hurts stock price"
comment: @@@ OK here is MY SOLUTION WASHINGTON !!!! >>>
Take it for what you will ... I say we REDUCTION of TROOPS and REPOSITION THEM TO GULF MEXICO BORDER ...
FIRE UP THE MONEY PRESS CHECKS and ISSUE EACH LEGAL AMERICAN CITIZEN
$50,000.00 USD TO ENCOURAGE RESPENDING AND STIMULATION OF ECONOMY ..
GET THEM SMALL BUSINESSES OFF THIER A@#$% and CREATE MORE JOB OPPORTUNITY >.
if what I am reading about 1 TRILLION spent on IRAQY WAR where mostly troops are so bored they are committing Suicide over there I SAY BRING THEM HOME !!!! and PUT THEM TO WORK AT THE BOARDER PROTECTION / GUARD !!!
And If anyone has any BETTER IDEALS I am willing to HEAR THEM !
But only ONE of TWO STIPULATIONS !!!!
1 . MUST BE VERIFIED LEGAL US CITIZEN
2. MUST ONLY BE USED TO BUY PRODUCTS / SERVICES OF small BUSINESSES to ENCORAGE THEM TO CREATE MORE JOB POSITIONS
THATS IT !@@@
all in all, people are too stupid to leave comments on news stories. they have no original ideas of their own. all they do is rehash some of the crap that they get on cable news networks and pass it off as their own con-cock-tions.
now, for all the pricks at fox news berating obama for vacationing in maine instead of the gulf coast where you feel he "belongs" in this environmental crisis, i again quote lewis black. "...that's the place that no one has ever thought, 'Boy, I gotta vacation. I need two weeks in Biloxi!'" who the fuck would want to vacation there?
today's rant: sweet 16, originally 6/19/10
barbara is working at a sweet 16 party tonight at the local knights of columbus hall. the theme of the party is "neverland ranch". what...the...fuck?! how sick are you to have "neverland ranch" as the theme for a party for anyone under the age of 18? it's insane! is the kid one of the ones who were molested? what parent would allow this? if i had cardboard effigies of michael jackson thrown around a room, i would burn those motherfuckers in a large pile in the middle of the dance floor. that is some scary shit.
the kid is 16. all her life, michael jackson was a freak. she was born right around the first molestation accusation. oooh, happy birthday!
i always thought the worst case scenario for a sweet 16 party was a hannah montana or jonas brothers theme. jesus christ, was i wrong. with hannah montana or the jonas brothers, it's on a certain level of queermo that adults usually avoid. with michael jackson, holy shit, that's the upper echelon of queermo. it's downright intolerable. parents will awake tomorrow morning from nightmares of michael jackson chasing them to the edge of a cliff doing his little thriller march wearing a cap'n crunch outfit. we're just getting over burying him 8 months after he died, now you're bringing him back again?! how the fuck were you raised?! i hope bubbles the monkey gets a "28 days later" virus and bites you, you sickos.
the kid is 16. all her life, michael jackson was a freak. she was born right around the first molestation accusation. oooh, happy birthday!
i always thought the worst case scenario for a sweet 16 party was a hannah montana or jonas brothers theme. jesus christ, was i wrong. with hannah montana or the jonas brothers, it's on a certain level of queermo that adults usually avoid. with michael jackson, holy shit, that's the upper echelon of queermo. it's downright intolerable. parents will awake tomorrow morning from nightmares of michael jackson chasing them to the edge of a cliff doing his little thriller march wearing a cap'n crunch outfit. we're just getting over burying him 8 months after he died, now you're bringing him back again?! how the fuck were you raised?! i hope bubbles the monkey gets a "28 days later" virus and bites you, you sickos.
todays' rant: new york has no money, originally 6/12/10
i apparently have a ganglion cyst on my left wrist. i haven't been to the doctor, but that's what it looks like based on what i've read online. oh happy day. essential, the ganglion in my wrist is filled with joint fluid. it's not impeding on any nerves and i don't feel any pain because of it, so i don't think i need to see a doctor yet. my options are to just leave it alone, have it drained, have it removed, or pop it myself. well, i have a little bit of OCD and i like symmetry, so i've been trying to pop it by banging my wrist against things. one person online mention taking a bible and banging it against the wrist. now, i don't know if he meant take a generally heavy book or use a genuine bible because of its magical healing powers of busting open cysts. regardless, i don't have a bible in the house.
the asshole DJ on the radio is doing a contest where if i hera a certain nickelback song, i have to be the 9th caller. he said "the song today is a song from nickelback. it's called 'far away.' do you know that song? we play a lot of nickelback songs and they all sound familiar." there. independent, corroborated evidence that nickelback is overplayed and unoriginal. go fist yourself, chad kroger. btw, asshole DJ, teasing people by playing the wrong nickelback song is just masochistic.
i'm surprised that google was able to tell me i have a ganglion cyst when i typed "what is the bump on my left wrist?" i'm disappointed that google did not answer my question "what happened to new york's money?" nobody knows. holy shit! nobody knows what happened to new york state's money! and don't give be that "they gave it to the illegals" bullshit. that's just baseless partisan paranoia and i get enough of that from fox. i don't need to hear it form every other asshole that loves the taste of glen beck's semen. you don't have a real answer, so just shut the fuck up.
NY state's governor, david paterson, wants to close several state services in order to stop losing money, such as poison control centers, state parks, the lottery, unemployment offices, social services, and safety offices. shutting down all but one of these services would be retarded. i know poison control centers don't make money, but when your kid downs a bottle of dran-o, you'll be sorry. safety offices, state parks, and the lottery MAKE MONEY!!! for fuck sake, didn't the beaches just get a 25% fare hike? keep social services open. i don't want to be robbed in ten years by some dickheads because social services did not have the foresight to take them away from their coke-addicted mom.
here are my ideas to get the state budget balanced.
1. unemployment offices. if you must, shut 'em down. i don't care. giving poor people a financial reward to stay poor is a bad business plan.
2. cut the NYS senate base pay. currently, it's $80k/yr plus more if you are a state majority or minority leader. fuck that. lower it to $60k/yr. that way, those who seek political office for money and power would loose some incentive while those who actually give a crap about the legislative process can get in and still have a decent salary. not a "drive a maserati to work" salary, but enough to pay the bills and save for the kid's college.
3. allow yonkers casino to have table games. having only slots and horse racing is boring.
4. pay off sport officials to rig games in NY's favor. obviously, having the yankees in the series every year, the US open, and the belmont stakes is not enough to get our tourism revenue to where we want it. also, i don't think having the superbowl in 2014 is going to be enough. we need to make sure that every sports championship is held here. that means we need to start bribing as many people as possible to get the knicks, giants, and jets all the out-of-state spectators they can. fuck the buffalo bills. TO can suck it
5. sentence INS violators to hard labor. we've invested so much in homeland security and immigration regulation and we need a return on our investment. let's get 'em really working for us.
6. sell new york water. let's face it. NYC has the best bagels and pizza anywhere in the world. why? the water in the dough is the best. we should set up a bottling plant along the hudson river and sell that shit by the barrel. we can put it right next to the water treatment plant.
the asshole DJ on the radio is doing a contest where if i hera a certain nickelback song, i have to be the 9th caller. he said "the song today is a song from nickelback. it's called 'far away.' do you know that song? we play a lot of nickelback songs and they all sound familiar." there. independent, corroborated evidence that nickelback is overplayed and unoriginal. go fist yourself, chad kroger. btw, asshole DJ, teasing people by playing the wrong nickelback song is just masochistic.
i'm surprised that google was able to tell me i have a ganglion cyst when i typed "what is the bump on my left wrist?" i'm disappointed that google did not answer my question "what happened to new york's money?" nobody knows. holy shit! nobody knows what happened to new york state's money! and don't give be that "they gave it to the illegals" bullshit. that's just baseless partisan paranoia and i get enough of that from fox. i don't need to hear it form every other asshole that loves the taste of glen beck's semen. you don't have a real answer, so just shut the fuck up.
NY state's governor, david paterson, wants to close several state services in order to stop losing money, such as poison control centers, state parks, the lottery, unemployment offices, social services, and safety offices. shutting down all but one of these services would be retarded. i know poison control centers don't make money, but when your kid downs a bottle of dran-o, you'll be sorry. safety offices, state parks, and the lottery MAKE MONEY!!! for fuck sake, didn't the beaches just get a 25% fare hike? keep social services open. i don't want to be robbed in ten years by some dickheads because social services did not have the foresight to take them away from their coke-addicted mom.
here are my ideas to get the state budget balanced.
1. unemployment offices. if you must, shut 'em down. i don't care. giving poor people a financial reward to stay poor is a bad business plan.
2. cut the NYS senate base pay. currently, it's $80k/yr plus more if you are a state majority or minority leader. fuck that. lower it to $60k/yr. that way, those who seek political office for money and power would loose some incentive while those who actually give a crap about the legislative process can get in and still have a decent salary. not a "drive a maserati to work" salary, but enough to pay the bills and save for the kid's college.
3. allow yonkers casino to have table games. having only slots and horse racing is boring.
4. pay off sport officials to rig games in NY's favor. obviously, having the yankees in the series every year, the US open, and the belmont stakes is not enough to get our tourism revenue to where we want it. also, i don't think having the superbowl in 2014 is going to be enough. we need to make sure that every sports championship is held here. that means we need to start bribing as many people as possible to get the knicks, giants, and jets all the out-of-state spectators they can. fuck the buffalo bills. TO can suck it
5. sentence INS violators to hard labor. we've invested so much in homeland security and immigration regulation and we need a return on our investment. let's get 'em really working for us.
6. sell new york water. let's face it. NYC has the best bagels and pizza anywhere in the world. why? the water in the dough is the best. we should set up a bottling plant along the hudson river and sell that shit by the barrel. we can put it right next to the water treatment plant.
today's rant: women and cameras, originally 5/16/10
does sarah palin deserve to be on television? ...no. the only channel that i feel she is qualified to participate in is cartoon network. no, i'm not talking about "adult swim" cartoon network. i'm not even talking about the anime or "clone wars" line up of cartoon network. i'm saying she may be just cut out for "ben 10" cartoon network. another question: if mccain won, would cnn offer joe biden a job? abso-fucking no way in hell. so why does palin have a seat at fox's table? easily, she was the most popular character during the '08 race (the word "character" best describes it). i grant fox's right to use her popularity to their advantage. to do otherwise would be bad business. however, i don't think they took the time to analyze in too much detail why she was so popular in the '08 race. in the simplest term i can think of, she was "special". you know, the politically incorrect version of "special". giving her a seat at fox's table is like giving a "participation" or "good effort" trophy to the losing team of a children's bowling league. so they put her on tv in hopes of getting ratings from people who are asking "what cookey things is she gonna do today?"
got an idea. let's put an amendment in the constitution that says that whenever a political candidate is making a speech, the phrase "the american people" must grammatically be used in the singular. for example "the american people wants change" or "the american people has spoken" or "the american people is hungry". i used the singular form of the verbs instead of the plural form. i want this because both parties have claimed time and time again to know what all people in america desire or need. nancy pelosi is a huge offender. but often times, what each party claims as to what every person wants opposes and negates each other. logically, that means that each party has their own view of who composes "the american people", so either one party is wrong or they are both wrong. in which case, they should stop referring to the american people (plural) and instead refer to their VIEW of the american people (singular).
guys, have you ever been in a hopeless situation involving a group of women and cameras? well, 8 days ago, my fiance, barbara, graduated from maritime college in the bronx. there was she, my mom, my grandma, and myself. as we were finding some seats, barbara wanted some pictures before she had to go line up with the rest of her class. we found a spot near the edge of the giant tent where there's some sunlight and i posed with barbara and my mom first. from there, the conversation was mind-numbing. i don't even need to bother telling jokes; the conversation speaks for itself.
(we pose)
grandma: ok smile. one, two, three! ....oh shoot, the flash didn't go off. sometimes it takes a while for the flash to charge. ok, there's the light. (we pose again) smile. one, two, three! *click*
barbara: ok, now use my camera
(we pose again)
grandma: ok, here we go. smile. one, two three! *click*
barbara: ok, let me look how it turned out... good. now, grandma kathryn, it's your turn to get in.
grandma: oh, ok. here you go, diane.
mom: thank you. alrighty. (we pose) here we go. one, two, three! ...why is the screen black?
barbara: you just turned the camera off.
mom: oh.
barbara: here, let me turn it back on. ...alright, now, it's this button, not the other one.
mom: ok, smile. (we pose again) one, two, three! *ckick* how was that?
barbara: ...um, the picture is on an angle and it's blurry. you were moving too much. take another one.
mom: ok, here we go. (we pose again) one, two, three! *click* how was that?
barbara: ...that looks good, thanks.
grandma: ooh, now use mine!
mom: alright. barbara here is your camera back...
me: the sun is burning my neck.
mom: alright, big smiles! (we pose again, my neck turns red) one, two, three! *click*
please tell me if this has happened to anyone else.
got an idea. let's put an amendment in the constitution that says that whenever a political candidate is making a speech, the phrase "the american people" must grammatically be used in the singular. for example "the american people wants change" or "the american people has spoken" or "the american people is hungry". i used the singular form of the verbs instead of the plural form. i want this because both parties have claimed time and time again to know what all people in america desire or need. nancy pelosi is a huge offender. but often times, what each party claims as to what every person wants opposes and negates each other. logically, that means that each party has their own view of who composes "the american people", so either one party is wrong or they are both wrong. in which case, they should stop referring to the american people (plural) and instead refer to their VIEW of the american people (singular).
guys, have you ever been in a hopeless situation involving a group of women and cameras? well, 8 days ago, my fiance, barbara, graduated from maritime college in the bronx. there was she, my mom, my grandma, and myself. as we were finding some seats, barbara wanted some pictures before she had to go line up with the rest of her class. we found a spot near the edge of the giant tent where there's some sunlight and i posed with barbara and my mom first. from there, the conversation was mind-numbing. i don't even need to bother telling jokes; the conversation speaks for itself.
(we pose)
grandma: ok smile. one, two, three! ....oh shoot, the flash didn't go off. sometimes it takes a while for the flash to charge. ok, there's the light. (we pose again) smile. one, two, three! *click*
barbara: ok, now use my camera
(we pose again)
grandma: ok, here we go. smile. one, two three! *click*
barbara: ok, let me look how it turned out... good. now, grandma kathryn, it's your turn to get in.
grandma: oh, ok. here you go, diane.
mom: thank you. alrighty. (we pose) here we go. one, two, three! ...why is the screen black?
barbara: you just turned the camera off.
mom: oh.
barbara: here, let me turn it back on. ...alright, now, it's this button, not the other one.
mom: ok, smile. (we pose again) one, two, three! *ckick* how was that?
barbara: ...um, the picture is on an angle and it's blurry. you were moving too much. take another one.
mom: ok, here we go. (we pose again) one, two, three! *click* how was that?
barbara: ...that looks good, thanks.
grandma: ooh, now use mine!
mom: alright. barbara here is your camera back...
me: the sun is burning my neck.
mom: alright, big smiles! (we pose again, my neck turns red) one, two, three! *click*
please tell me if this has happened to anyone else.
today's rant: long time, originally 5/2/10
jesus, it's been a long time.
dunkin donuts + bailey's irish cream = drunkin donuts.
despite my dislike for new jersey as a state (particularly the smell), my 1-day excursion to southern new jersey back in march yielded one positive that i did not know still existed. as it turns out, south jersey has a semi-decent rock radio station. all throughout driving around one friday night into the next morning, i found myself saying "oh, p.o.d. i haven't heard them in a long time" or "oh, seether. i haven't heard them in a long time" or "oh, incubus. i haven't heard them in a long time". tri-state area, take notice! this is a big reason why i fucking hate every radio station that i'm in range of. they play the exact same shit day in and day out. would it really hurt to play incubus more often?
and for the love of god, WHY IS NSYNC STILL ON THE RADIO?!?!?! why bother dusting off an 11-year-old cd? fuck you, WMJC. that is the last thing that office workers in their mid-40s want to hear during their lunch break. you had it right with the all-80s lunch hour. what made you turn it into an all dance "cardio bistro" hour? what the fuck is that?! "cardio bistro" sounds like a special diet menu i would find at p.f. chang's.
hey kids, if you don't want to be cyber-bullied, STAY OFF THE FUCKING INTERNET! if you are under the age of 17, you shouldn't have a cell phone, you shouldn't have a facebook account, you shouldn't have a twitter account, and you shouldn't have a myspace account (by the by, myspace is essentially useless now. i only use it to write this shit because i don't need all of my former high school acquaintances over on facebook boring me with their pointless bullshit replies to what i write about). this is why facebook should have never left the dorm room. when it first came out, we in college knew how to use it correctly and responsibly. now that everyone has it, the shit is out of control. when did we turn from having facebook groups devoted to fans of red lobster cheddar bay biscuits to having groups solely for the purpose of bashing particular 14-year-olds? if you're under 17, get offline. get a real hobby.
dunkin donuts + bailey's irish cream = drunkin donuts.
despite my dislike for new jersey as a state (particularly the smell), my 1-day excursion to southern new jersey back in march yielded one positive that i did not know still existed. as it turns out, south jersey has a semi-decent rock radio station. all throughout driving around one friday night into the next morning, i found myself saying "oh, p.o.d. i haven't heard them in a long time" or "oh, seether. i haven't heard them in a long time" or "oh, incubus. i haven't heard them in a long time". tri-state area, take notice! this is a big reason why i fucking hate every radio station that i'm in range of. they play the exact same shit day in and day out. would it really hurt to play incubus more often?
and for the love of god, WHY IS NSYNC STILL ON THE RADIO?!?!?! why bother dusting off an 11-year-old cd? fuck you, WMJC. that is the last thing that office workers in their mid-40s want to hear during their lunch break. you had it right with the all-80s lunch hour. what made you turn it into an all dance "cardio bistro" hour? what the fuck is that?! "cardio bistro" sounds like a special diet menu i would find at p.f. chang's.
hey kids, if you don't want to be cyber-bullied, STAY OFF THE FUCKING INTERNET! if you are under the age of 17, you shouldn't have a cell phone, you shouldn't have a facebook account, you shouldn't have a twitter account, and you shouldn't have a myspace account (by the by, myspace is essentially useless now. i only use it to write this shit because i don't need all of my former high school acquaintances over on facebook boring me with their pointless bullshit replies to what i write about). this is why facebook should have never left the dorm room. when it first came out, we in college knew how to use it correctly and responsibly. now that everyone has it, the shit is out of control. when did we turn from having facebook groups devoted to fans of red lobster cheddar bay biscuits to having groups solely for the purpose of bashing particular 14-year-olds? if you're under 17, get offline. get a real hobby.
today's rant: cable news and healthcare, originally 3/22/10
..up until recently, i watched cnn. i watched them cover the '08 election. i think i did that because if they did have a liberal bias, at least they'd be happy conveying the positive news. and if they were happy and in a joyful mood, i'd be happy and in a joyful mood. however i can't seem to wrap myself around watching cnn anymore. let me be clear, this has nothing to do with any sort of political paranoia. simply put, "the best news team on television" relies on twitter and facebook too much. you know that that means: they are secretly playing mafia wars while they are reporting the news.
so since i'm not watching cnn anymore, and definitely not watching fox news at all, all that i'm sticking with is cnbc. the way i see it, money has no politics. besides, jim cramer is entertaining as fuck.
to be honest, i sincerely hope that universal healthcare works. i think it's something that would help a lot of people, if we can work on the potential tax costs and potential long lines at doctors' offices. as for myself, my copays have doubled in the past 2 years. if someone in dc wants to fix that, be my fucking guest. as for the reps vote last night, i'm just surprised a house of congress actually did something. on a sunday night, even! holy shit! they actually earned some pay. let's face facts, congress is the least useful branch of government. the fact that they stayed at work and completely missed family guy speaks volumes. congress hasn't done jack shit for the past 20 years. what made them start now?
so since i'm not watching cnn anymore, and definitely not watching fox news at all, all that i'm sticking with is cnbc. the way i see it, money has no politics. besides, jim cramer is entertaining as fuck.
to be honest, i sincerely hope that universal healthcare works. i think it's something that would help a lot of people, if we can work on the potential tax costs and potential long lines at doctors' offices. as for myself, my copays have doubled in the past 2 years. if someone in dc wants to fix that, be my fucking guest. as for the reps vote last night, i'm just surprised a house of congress actually did something. on a sunday night, even! holy shit! they actually earned some pay. let's face facts, congress is the least useful branch of government. the fact that they stayed at work and completely missed family guy speaks volumes. congress hasn't done jack shit for the past 20 years. what made them start now?
today's rant: holy jesus on ice skates! originally 3/13/1
....i know that the olympics are over, but i have a question. if jesus christ was an ice skater, what country would he represent in the winter games? i know it's supposed to be the savior of all mankind, but where would his citizenship lie? the most obvious answer seems to be israel, but i'm pretty sure that jews might have a problem with jesus representing them in the olympics. the next obvious choice is italy. the only way to do that is to pull that little maneuver that chinese skater pulled switching citizenship to georgia to compete.
with st. patrick's day approaching, i've stared asking myself why any name in pop culture with the sound "chaun" or "kahn" belongs to a malicious character? let's run down the list:
leprechaun
just look at this drunken bastard. you want to know what happens when you steal his gold or his lucky charms? watch the movie.
khan noonien singh
from my favorite of the star trek movie. don't forget about putting this dickhead on ceti alpha V for 15 years, or he'll steal a federaton ship, maroon you, and you'll be forced to yell 'KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" at the top of your lungs. also, don't mention that with a little face paint, he'd look like the ultimate warrior. he hates that. HATES that.
genghis khan
goddamn mongorians!!! sweet sour pork!!!
mortimer khan
genghis khan's less-successful brother. you piss this guy off, and he'll possess your dog. best-case-scenario: have a snow globe handy to capture his spirit.
chaka hkan
despite what she says, i don't believe her when she says "i'm every woman". that would mean that she's my mom, my aunt, my neighbor's wife, my fiance, my grandmother, tipper gore, dennis rodman, the list is endless.
kilo khan
overlord of the digital world. his MO includes hacking into your high school's basketball score board, the cafeteria cash register, and the thermostat. holy shit, so scary. ok, serious question, did anyone else actually watch "superhuman samurai syber-squad"? i didn't think so. god, i suck.
dr. khan
this prick is the distant, unseen authority figure from "salute your shorts". however, think twice before the next time you sneak candy on camp or decide to give the local geek ball an "awful waffle". some say (at least i say, but who knows) that the moment you meet dr. khan's gaze in his office, you can see a couple of gates of hell open up. for the record, those gates of hell are the disney channel. i don't think it's any coincidence that cablevision has the disney channel and nickelodeon so close together on the channel listing. that's why they never showed dr. khan's face. it makes sense if you don't think about it.
with st. patrick's day approaching, i've stared asking myself why any name in pop culture with the sound "chaun" or "kahn" belongs to a malicious character? let's run down the list:
leprechaun
just look at this drunken bastard. you want to know what happens when you steal his gold or his lucky charms? watch the movie.
khan noonien singh
from my favorite of the star trek movie. don't forget about putting this dickhead on ceti alpha V for 15 years, or he'll steal a federaton ship, maroon you, and you'll be forced to yell 'KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" at the top of your lungs. also, don't mention that with a little face paint, he'd look like the ultimate warrior. he hates that. HATES that.
genghis khan
goddamn mongorians!!! sweet sour pork!!!
mortimer khan
genghis khan's less-successful brother. you piss this guy off, and he'll possess your dog. best-case-scenario: have a snow globe handy to capture his spirit.
chaka hkan
despite what she says, i don't believe her when she says "i'm every woman". that would mean that she's my mom, my aunt, my neighbor's wife, my fiance, my grandmother, tipper gore, dennis rodman, the list is endless.kilo khan
overlord of the digital world. his MO includes hacking into your high school's basketball score board, the cafeteria cash register, and the thermostat. holy shit, so scary. ok, serious question, did anyone else actually watch "superhuman samurai syber-squad"? i didn't think so. god, i suck.dr. khan
this prick is the distant, unseen authority figure from "salute your shorts". however, think twice before the next time you sneak candy on camp or decide to give the local geek ball an "awful waffle". some say (at least i say, but who knows) that the moment you meet dr. khan's gaze in his office, you can see a couple of gates of hell open up. for the record, those gates of hell are the disney channel. i don't think it's any coincidence that cablevision has the disney channel and nickelodeon so close together on the channel listing. that's why they never showed dr. khan's face. it makes sense if you don't think about it.
today's rant: ABC, originally 3/5/10
in the tri-state area, there has been an uproar between the amercian broadcasting company and local cable provider, cablevision. abc wants cablevision to pay them money. cablevision has never had to pay them money before because abc was free. when they stopped being broadcasted over the air when the TV bunny ears became a symbol of communism... wait, i don't know what the big deal is. they were free before, and now they are pissed because they don't want to be? why not? they seemed fine just last year. what makes them so special? i can see them for free on the internet, but they want my cable provider to hike fees to pay them for the same bullshit?
i understand why the food network and hgtv wanted more money. they are cable channels. you need to pay extra for them. i get it. they were never free. abc wants something out of nothing. doesn't happen, asshole.
what's their bargaining chip? if you don't pay us, we'll cut all abc programming out, including the oscars. ...let's go through this logically. abc has tv shows so they can sell ad time during commercials. companies pay abc for commercials. now they are threatening to not show the ads that the companies paid for just so they can get more money? it's a lose/lose situation. cablevision doesn't pay you and the ad companies stop paying you. go back to school and take an economics class.
as for the threat of taking out the oscars, go ahead, asshole. i don't give a shit. i can see steve martin and (kim jong il voice) arec bardwin any day of the week online. as for your other so-called "programming", i only watch abc for the local news and occasionally jeopardy. i can get jeopardy an hour beforehand on channel 10 and local news on 4 other channels whenever i want. i don't watch lost or grey's anatomy. i don't watch that stupid-ass bachelor shit either. barbara walters can suck it. speaking of which, every lady on the view would do the world a big favor if their next episode had them sitting around drinking a bottle of dran-o. all i want from network TV is law & order, family guy, and CSI. you've got nothing to offer me, abc, so go fuck yourselves. the only way you can get me to care about your programming is if you call up your parents, disney, have them un-thaw walt disney's cryogenically frozen head, and let me skull-fuck it.
i understand why the food network and hgtv wanted more money. they are cable channels. you need to pay extra for them. i get it. they were never free. abc wants something out of nothing. doesn't happen, asshole.
what's their bargaining chip? if you don't pay us, we'll cut all abc programming out, including the oscars. ...let's go through this logically. abc has tv shows so they can sell ad time during commercials. companies pay abc for commercials. now they are threatening to not show the ads that the companies paid for just so they can get more money? it's a lose/lose situation. cablevision doesn't pay you and the ad companies stop paying you. go back to school and take an economics class.
as for the threat of taking out the oscars, go ahead, asshole. i don't give a shit. i can see steve martin and (kim jong il voice) arec bardwin any day of the week online. as for your other so-called "programming", i only watch abc for the local news and occasionally jeopardy. i can get jeopardy an hour beforehand on channel 10 and local news on 4 other channels whenever i want. i don't watch lost or grey's anatomy. i don't watch that stupid-ass bachelor shit either. barbara walters can suck it. speaking of which, every lady on the view would do the world a big favor if their next episode had them sitting around drinking a bottle of dran-o. all i want from network TV is law & order, family guy, and CSI. you've got nothing to offer me, abc, so go fuck yourselves. the only way you can get me to care about your programming is if you call up your parents, disney, have them un-thaw walt disney's cryogenically frozen head, and let me skull-fuck it.
today's rant: fun idea, originally 2/28/10
i truly don't intend to have so many politically-motivated rants. it's just that is what keeps pissing me off from time to time. i should try to have more silly ideas. in an attempt to transition from one to the other, i have a mix of political/silly this time around.
i've given up on the idea of political debates. the human brain was not meant to pay attention to any one thing for that long of time. seriously, after an hour, the mind wanders. so here's what we do. at the final debate, we collect all the candidates from the different parties and sit them down. one at a time, the go into a chair, sit opposite of regis philbin, and play a round of "who wants to be a millionaire". that way, we weed out the stupid people from those actually smart enough to head an elected office. in my opinion, anyone who can't get past $25000 shouldn't get my vote.
i've given up on the idea of political debates. the human brain was not meant to pay attention to any one thing for that long of time. seriously, after an hour, the mind wanders. so here's what we do. at the final debate, we collect all the candidates from the different parties and sit them down. one at a time, the go into a chair, sit opposite of regis philbin, and play a round of "who wants to be a millionaire". that way, we weed out the stupid people from those actually smart enough to head an elected office. in my opinion, anyone who can't get past $25000 shouldn't get my vote.
today's rant: palin again? originally 2/22/10
what does it mean when you're at your desk at work, listening to "bad romance" by lady gaga on the radio, and your polish supervisor starts singing in a low voice "rah rah ah ah ah, ro ma ro ma ma..."
i don't understand why sarah palin wants so much attention. if it suits her purposes, she'll get pissed off at anyone who mentions her or make an implication toward her. i did not watch family guy 8 days ago, so when i heard that palin was pissed off at what the episode said about her, i had to watch the episode myself. i watched all 22 minutes. you know how offensive that episode was in reference to palin? on a scale of 1-10, a big fat zero. letterman saying that her daughter was a slut was more offensive than the "ellen" character with down syndrome saying that her mom was the former governor of alaska. ok, sarah. you have kids with down syndrome. the actress who played the cartoon has down syndrome. who the fuck are you to say what's offensive? here's the difference between all of you. they have down syndrome. you, sarah, are just plain retarded. anyone who offers you any forum to speak is obviously an agent of evil. to the fiery pits of mustafar with you, succubus!
i don't understand why sarah palin wants so much attention. if it suits her purposes, she'll get pissed off at anyone who mentions her or make an implication toward her. i did not watch family guy 8 days ago, so when i heard that palin was pissed off at what the episode said about her, i had to watch the episode myself. i watched all 22 minutes. you know how offensive that episode was in reference to palin? on a scale of 1-10, a big fat zero. letterman saying that her daughter was a slut was more offensive than the "ellen" character with down syndrome saying that her mom was the former governor of alaska. ok, sarah. you have kids with down syndrome. the actress who played the cartoon has down syndrome. who the fuck are you to say what's offensive? here's the difference between all of you. they have down syndrome. you, sarah, are just plain retarded. anyone who offers you any forum to speak is obviously an agent of evil. to the fiery pits of mustafar with you, succubus!
today's rant: who wouldn't you..., originally 2/9/10
ok, odd question: what celebrities would you absolutely NOT have sex with?
off the top of my head, i can think of two major ones. number 1, paris hilton. don't care that she had a sex tape. i wouldn't touch her with a ten-foot dick. reason: if i would were to fuck her, i would by proxy be fucking half of los angeles... and a backstreet boy. anyone remember that? she fucked a backstreet boy. not one of the "badass" poser ones, either. the squealy-voiced one. i don't want that dripping from me.
number 2: pam anderson. as soon as she got hep C, she became barren land and used goods to me.
other than that, definitely no britney. she's cuckoo for cocoa puffs. no fergie, either. she peed herself. i don't care what anyone says, she peed herself.
off the top of my head, i can think of two major ones. number 1, paris hilton. don't care that she had a sex tape. i wouldn't touch her with a ten-foot dick. reason: if i would were to fuck her, i would by proxy be fucking half of los angeles... and a backstreet boy. anyone remember that? she fucked a backstreet boy. not one of the "badass" poser ones, either. the squealy-voiced one. i don't want that dripping from me.
number 2: pam anderson. as soon as she got hep C, she became barren land and used goods to me.
other than that, definitely no britney. she's cuckoo for cocoa puffs. no fergie, either. she peed herself. i don't care what anyone says, she peed herself.
today's rant: simple question, originally 2/6/10
i want to know whose dick ashlee simpson's dad had to suck to get her the lead part in "chicago" on broadway.
today's rant: my personal tech dos and don'ts, originally 1/25/10
note: some of these tidbits are pieces of advice, some are just my opinions (especially the don'ts)
DOS
- i download illegally all the time. god gave us high-speed internet for a reason. if not to download all the movies and music a prick could possibly imagine at the speed of light, then for what other purpose? why pay for something when i don't have to?
- my debit card is one the best friends i have
- if you know how to build one, a self-built computer is better AND cheaper than anything you can find at best buy. if you MUST buy a computer from a retailer, buy a refurbished one with an extended full-coverage warranty. since a new computer is going to break after the initial one-year warranty expires anyway, might as well buy a used one to save money and use the difference in price to purchase a protection plan to cover the fucker for 3 years
- when i buy a new car, it's gonna be japanese. who knows what car technology that the japanese are sitting on. they gave us the wii, so they must have some kind of car seat that doubles as a toilet. that would be awesome.
- ebay is the shit. you can find nearly anything on there and pay no where near what you would pay in a store.
- find a friend or family member who is a techie and has a cache of illegal software. they will save you hundreds of dollars in tech-support anguish.
DON'TS
- I refuse to buy any verizon fios plan. i've had it before in my last apartment and i was not happy. the internet was noticeably slower. can't have that at all. i'm the type of asshole that notices small differences like that.
- i will not use a gps. tomtom is the devil. that fucker told me to get off of the jersey turnpike and then get back ON the turnpike. in addition, the "favorites" option is pointless. if you "favorite" a specific address, wouldn't you not need the gps anymore after a few drives to that place? you'd know how to get there, wouldn't you?
- texting is not for me. for one, i don't have that big of a social circle to the point of necessity to text everyone that i'm at the dentist's office getting a check-up and bleeding from the mouth while they have "hannah montana" on the tv in the exam room. secondly, we as humans are too stupid for the technology. case and point, i have seen people receive a text message and then respond with "k"
- hd radio, i assume, is a waste of technology. i just don't see how "getting more of the same stations you love" is any improvement. radio sucks. hd radion may just mean that it sucks twice as hard.
- i don't need a smart phone. i don't. my friends may need one, but not me. i've stopped going to the phone store when it's time for a new cell phone because they always try to give me the most expensive phone. "oh, this one has a keyboard!" "i don't have a text or data plan!!! how many times do i have to tell you that?!" besides, smart phones are not actually phones. they are just multi-media devices with a phone attached.
addendum: the mystery of the digital camera
like many of you out there, i know someone who is kinda computer illiterate. she tried to plug a digital camera into her computer in order to put some picture files on. to give you an idea of how computer illiterate she is, last week, she tried to connect the camera without the wire. she spent 30 seconds trying to figure it out before someone asked her if she wanted the wire. this time, she did manage to connect the camera, but nothing happened when she did. i looked at her for about a minute gauging the situation before i came to my own conclusion of what she needed to do. she needed to turn the camera on. i did not immediately tell her what to do because she has pride and does not want it tarnished by asking me for help. i think that's the funniest part. if she asked, she'd be done in a third of the time.
i gave into myself and told her that the camera was not on. she said "it was on." "well, it's not now." i turned it on for her and the setup wizard thing popped up on her computer. she asked me if she needed to use the scanner wizard. i told her "no, you're not scanning anything. also, you don't have a scanner." in a haze of confusion, she unplugged the camera and plugged it back in. she finally chose the correct setup wizard and started reading the instructions very carefully when they popped up. let me stress that, she read the instructions carefully. when she clicked "next" to select the 2 pictures that she needed, she skipped reading the instructions for some strange reason and just went along with uploading the two pictures... and every other picture on the camera's memory card. so much for reading the instructions carefully. 5 minutes later, after every picture ever taken on that camera was on her computer, she ended up deleting all those pictures (including the two she wanted) and started the process all over again. 3 minutes later, she got the two pictures she wanted. it was kinda painful from the spectator's point of view watching the whole thing go down.
DOS
- i download illegally all the time. god gave us high-speed internet for a reason. if not to download all the movies and music a prick could possibly imagine at the speed of light, then for what other purpose? why pay for something when i don't have to?
- my debit card is one the best friends i have
- if you know how to build one, a self-built computer is better AND cheaper than anything you can find at best buy. if you MUST buy a computer from a retailer, buy a refurbished one with an extended full-coverage warranty. since a new computer is going to break after the initial one-year warranty expires anyway, might as well buy a used one to save money and use the difference in price to purchase a protection plan to cover the fucker for 3 years
- when i buy a new car, it's gonna be japanese. who knows what car technology that the japanese are sitting on. they gave us the wii, so they must have some kind of car seat that doubles as a toilet. that would be awesome.
- ebay is the shit. you can find nearly anything on there and pay no where near what you would pay in a store.
- find a friend or family member who is a techie and has a cache of illegal software. they will save you hundreds of dollars in tech-support anguish.
DON'TS
- I refuse to buy any verizon fios plan. i've had it before in my last apartment and i was not happy. the internet was noticeably slower. can't have that at all. i'm the type of asshole that notices small differences like that.
- i will not use a gps. tomtom is the devil. that fucker told me to get off of the jersey turnpike and then get back ON the turnpike. in addition, the "favorites" option is pointless. if you "favorite" a specific address, wouldn't you not need the gps anymore after a few drives to that place? you'd know how to get there, wouldn't you?
- texting is not for me. for one, i don't have that big of a social circle to the point of necessity to text everyone that i'm at the dentist's office getting a check-up and bleeding from the mouth while they have "hannah montana" on the tv in the exam room. secondly, we as humans are too stupid for the technology. case and point, i have seen people receive a text message and then respond with "k"
- hd radio, i assume, is a waste of technology. i just don't see how "getting more of the same stations you love" is any improvement. radio sucks. hd radion may just mean that it sucks twice as hard.
- i don't need a smart phone. i don't. my friends may need one, but not me. i've stopped going to the phone store when it's time for a new cell phone because they always try to give me the most expensive phone. "oh, this one has a keyboard!" "i don't have a text or data plan!!! how many times do i have to tell you that?!" besides, smart phones are not actually phones. they are just multi-media devices with a phone attached.
addendum: the mystery of the digital camera
like many of you out there, i know someone who is kinda computer illiterate. she tried to plug a digital camera into her computer in order to put some picture files on. to give you an idea of how computer illiterate she is, last week, she tried to connect the camera without the wire. she spent 30 seconds trying to figure it out before someone asked her if she wanted the wire. this time, she did manage to connect the camera, but nothing happened when she did. i looked at her for about a minute gauging the situation before i came to my own conclusion of what she needed to do. she needed to turn the camera on. i did not immediately tell her what to do because she has pride and does not want it tarnished by asking me for help. i think that's the funniest part. if she asked, she'd be done in a third of the time.
i gave into myself and told her that the camera was not on. she said "it was on." "well, it's not now." i turned it on for her and the setup wizard thing popped up on her computer. she asked me if she needed to use the scanner wizard. i told her "no, you're not scanning anything. also, you don't have a scanner." in a haze of confusion, she unplugged the camera and plugged it back in. she finally chose the correct setup wizard and started reading the instructions very carefully when they popped up. let me stress that, she read the instructions carefully. when she clicked "next" to select the 2 pictures that she needed, she skipped reading the instructions for some strange reason and just went along with uploading the two pictures... and every other picture on the camera's memory card. so much for reading the instructions carefully. 5 minutes later, after every picture ever taken on that camera was on her computer, she ended up deleting all those pictures (including the two she wanted) and started the process all over again. 3 minutes later, she got the two pictures she wanted. it was kinda painful from the spectator's point of view watching the whole thing go down.
today's rant: what i've learned in 2009, orignally 12/29/09
in 2009, i learned that beyonce had one of the best videos of all time (thanks, kanye).
i learned that glen beck can't spell "oligarchy".
i learned that people don't know that michael jackson is actually dead. people refuse to watch the news. they just keep playing his music even more. when people ask them to turn the volume down, they just put their fingers in their ears and go "la la la la la la la la i can't hear you la la la la la la la la la."
i've learned never to ask a sports stadium to post a message on their giant TVs ever again, because they just won't do it. they're too stupid to figure it out.
i learned that my company is not afraid to fire someone on christmas.
i learned what a 401(k) is.
i learned that i will never again be able to see any more billy mays infomercial spoofs. fuck! at least there are still plenty of snuggie spoofs.
i learned that the biggest hit that rihanna had this year did not occur in the recording studio.
i learned what swine flu was. i also learned what a balloon boy was. hopefully the two can mesh together and take out that entire balloon family. that's a show i'd watch, kid.
i learned that glen beck can't spell "oligarchy".
i learned that people don't know that michael jackson is actually dead. people refuse to watch the news. they just keep playing his music even more. when people ask them to turn the volume down, they just put their fingers in their ears and go "la la la la la la la la i can't hear you la la la la la la la la la."
i've learned never to ask a sports stadium to post a message on their giant TVs ever again, because they just won't do it. they're too stupid to figure it out.
i learned that my company is not afraid to fire someone on christmas.
i learned what a 401(k) is.
i learned that i will never again be able to see any more billy mays infomercial spoofs. fuck! at least there are still plenty of snuggie spoofs.
i learned that the biggest hit that rihanna had this year did not occur in the recording studio.
i learned what swine flu was. i also learned what a balloon boy was. hopefully the two can mesh together and take out that entire balloon family. that's a show i'd watch, kid.
today's rant: pussball, originally 12/26/09
i'm in a priceless situation. an old boyfriend of barbara's, a fellow from buffalo by the name of mike gallagher, likes to spend his free time calling his ex's in a fruitless attempt to lose his virginity. his latest escapade was to text barbara during christmas dinner while he himself was having christmas dinner. i know this because when i tried to call him back on barbara's cell and he didn't pick up, he texted "Im eating dinner...call me later". later, barbara texted him asking to delete her # from his phone. he replied "So why should i erase ur number?"
i called him shortly after on her cell. when he picked up, i said "you are such a fucking pussy." at which point, he hung up. being the pussy that he is, he did not pick up his phone again, so i left him a voicemail. he texts back saying "real mature".
it is at this point i started wondering why he couldn't develop the back bone to actually have a screaming match with me. barbara reminds me that he used to have an undecended testicle and now can not have children (thank god). so i text back to him "No wonder u dont have the balls 2 call, theyre undecended".
his reply: "Hey thats not funny...how the fuck do u know my medical history...u reading my dosier?" perfect response, pussball. you really showed me.
having him on the defensive right now and completely emasculated, i may just leave it right there.
update 12/29:
well, it turns out that he wasn't finished. after i initially posted this, he facebook messaged barbara implying that i don't trust her because i look at her text messages. i replied back saying "not only does barbara show me your texts to her, but she also let's me use her facebook account. get off your game of texting you ex's trying to get them to pop your cherry. thank god you can't have kids."
his response: "NOW YOUR DONE!"
i called him shortly after on her cell. when he picked up, i said "you are such a fucking pussy." at which point, he hung up. being the pussy that he is, he did not pick up his phone again, so i left him a voicemail. he texts back saying "real mature".
it is at this point i started wondering why he couldn't develop the back bone to actually have a screaming match with me. barbara reminds me that he used to have an undecended testicle and now can not have children (thank god). so i text back to him "No wonder u dont have the balls 2 call, theyre undecended".
his reply: "Hey thats not funny...how the fuck do u know my medical history...u reading my dosier?" perfect response, pussball. you really showed me.
having him on the defensive right now and completely emasculated, i may just leave it right there.
update 12/29:
well, it turns out that he wasn't finished. after i initially posted this, he facebook messaged barbara implying that i don't trust her because i look at her text messages. i replied back saying "not only does barbara show me your texts to her, but she also let's me use her facebook account. get off your game of texting you ex's trying to get them to pop your cherry. thank god you can't have kids."
his response: "NOW YOUR DONE!"
today's rant: pre-turkey day, originally 11/23/09
i wonder how long free FM's myspace page will continue letting me post negative comments.
not gonna watch the thanksgiving day parade. i'm gonna try to stick to that this year. i know watching the jonas brothers lip-syncing sounds like fun, but i guess i'm just not a fun person.
if the frenzy at roosevelt field mall over justin "bundle of twigs" beiber, or whatever the fuck his name is, is any indication, i think we can expect another death this black friday. remember the walmart employee trampled last year? obviously, we as a people have not learned our lesson about mob-mentality and malls. i'd rather stay home friday morning to watch the local news channels show midnight madness coverage of people standing in store doorways just kicking people down.
i need a beer. be right back.
i saw bo bice at a tree lighting at an outlet mall on saturday. he played acoustic. he was alright.
not gonna watch the thanksgiving day parade. i'm gonna try to stick to that this year. i know watching the jonas brothers lip-syncing sounds like fun, but i guess i'm just not a fun person.
if the frenzy at roosevelt field mall over justin "bundle of twigs" beiber, or whatever the fuck his name is, is any indication, i think we can expect another death this black friday. remember the walmart employee trampled last year? obviously, we as a people have not learned our lesson about mob-mentality and malls. i'd rather stay home friday morning to watch the local news channels show midnight madness coverage of people standing in store doorways just kicking people down.
i need a beer. be right back.
i saw bo bice at a tree lighting at an outlet mall on saturday. he played acoustic. he was alright.
today's rant: wedding from hell, originally 11/16/09
i'm so out of touch with pop culture. i love it. it makes everything seem relatively stupid to me, giving me better self esteem. example: the billboard hot 100. except for "empire state of mind", it's a veritable who's who of what is wrong with the music industry. but i just found out "dollhouse" was cancelled. no rest of the season after january (just in time for 24, coincidence?) i'm a joss whedon fan. my adolescence centered around the buffyverse, sad as that may sound. maybe that's why joss hasn't been able to keep another series going, 'cause WB was giving him better props than FOX could possibly muster with "firefly" and "dollhouse". well, with joss and eliza dushku possibly getting some free time now, maybe the character "faith" can get her own series pitched. buffy was over in '03, angel in '04, has too much time passed?
ok, time for the real gripe. 6 days ago, i experience the worse wedding i've ever been to. sure, i got all dressed up nice and acted all happy to be there, but fuck. i even broke out my silver cufflinks, so at least i tried to make it seem like i gave a shit about the occasion. i've made sure to document what i didn't like about the entire experience just to make sure barbara and i do not repeat the many mistakes we observed.
1. the engagement ring cost $10k and looked like a blooming onion
2. the plasma tvs at the receptoin cost $5k
3. the 150 women who were invited to the wedding were also all invited to the bridal shower, 40 showed up.
4. the bridal shower cost $1500...for chinese food
5. the wedding was on a tuesday
6. the wedding was in lindenhurst, the reception was in floral park --> mid-week rush hour traffic
7. the groom is an asshole
8. the bridesmaid dress place is EVIL. want to feel worse about your self image, have some snobby 50-something year old lady tell you that your dress size is 2 sizes larger than what you're currently wearing.
9. the MOH is a bitch on the verge of divorce, and she gave a speech about the newlyweds
10. the bachelorette party was supposed to be at a wine bar. wrong!
11. someone in the wedding party did not want the bride and groom to marry. an anonymous letter was sent to the bride's home saying so. someone should have listened.
12. the groom dropped the bridal gifts in a storage facility, breaking a lot of stuff. he was in a rush to get to a funeral. (speaking of funerals, he showed up to a wake in sweatpants and sneakers)
13. the bride refers to herself in the 3rd person
14. the groom got high before the ceremony w/ the groomsmen. they took visine to clear their eyes before the priest came in. hey bride, your husband had to be high to marry you. what does that say about your prospects of children?
15. the limo carrying the bridesmaids rear-ended a truck (attribute this to #6)
16. in the best man's speech, he mentioned a vacation to malta he took with the groom, forgetting that the groom cheated on his now-wife 3 times on that vacation.
17. most importantly, not good beer at the reception.
now taking bets for how long they will last
ok, time for the real gripe. 6 days ago, i experience the worse wedding i've ever been to. sure, i got all dressed up nice and acted all happy to be there, but fuck. i even broke out my silver cufflinks, so at least i tried to make it seem like i gave a shit about the occasion. i've made sure to document what i didn't like about the entire experience just to make sure barbara and i do not repeat the many mistakes we observed.
1. the engagement ring cost $10k and looked like a blooming onion
2. the plasma tvs at the receptoin cost $5k
3. the 150 women who were invited to the wedding were also all invited to the bridal shower, 40 showed up.
4. the bridal shower cost $1500...for chinese food
5. the wedding was on a tuesday
6. the wedding was in lindenhurst, the reception was in floral park --> mid-week rush hour traffic
7. the groom is an asshole
8. the bridesmaid dress place is EVIL. want to feel worse about your self image, have some snobby 50-something year old lady tell you that your dress size is 2 sizes larger than what you're currently wearing.
9. the MOH is a bitch on the verge of divorce, and she gave a speech about the newlyweds
10. the bachelorette party was supposed to be at a wine bar. wrong!
11. someone in the wedding party did not want the bride and groom to marry. an anonymous letter was sent to the bride's home saying so. someone should have listened.
12. the groom dropped the bridal gifts in a storage facility, breaking a lot of stuff. he was in a rush to get to a funeral. (speaking of funerals, he showed up to a wake in sweatpants and sneakers)
13. the bride refers to herself in the 3rd person
14. the groom got high before the ceremony w/ the groomsmen. they took visine to clear their eyes before the priest came in. hey bride, your husband had to be high to marry you. what does that say about your prospects of children?
15. the limo carrying the bridesmaids rear-ended a truck (attribute this to #6)
16. in the best man's speech, he mentioned a vacation to malta he took with the groom, forgetting that the groom cheated on his now-wife 3 times on that vacation.
17. most importantly, not good beer at the reception.
now taking bets for how long they will last
Monday, January 9, 2012
today's rant: 23rd district, originally 11/6/09
i'm gonna start out nice and mellow and work my way into more aggression as we progress.
before last week, i would not have given a bunch of counties upstate any thought at all besides my previous visits to oswego and driving through to get to montreal. therefore, i dedicate this rant to the media for bringing it to my attention and subsequent pissed-off-ness.
personally, i'm a fan of the fighting 23rd. oswego is a great town. nice college campus, good food, and a great pub. i'm going to venture a guess and say one of the most pressing social issues up there is the evil snow that comes from canada. i'm also going to assume that there are already some district-sponsored initiatives to build a giant force bubble around the 23rd district to keep the snow, cold air, and canadian geese shit out of there. think i'm crazy to assume this? they had 11 feet of snow a few years ago. that means that if i put my fiance on my shoulders in oswego that winter, we'd still be under the snow by a few inches. fuck! let me say i'm all for the giant force bubble. tell me where to sign up.
so what was up for stake earlier this week was a seat in the US house of reps. whoopdie do? so the old representative was appointed sec of the army. christ, bipartisanship at work? a dem president chosing a rep secretary? who would've thought? so the choices for replacement were a rep lady named dede, a dem guy named bill, and a conservative guy named doug hoffman.
then the republican party fucked itself up again. they decided to endorse conservative hoffman because dede was seen as too liberal. let me just say this: i like new york republicans. in fact, ny likes ny republicans. case and point, new york city, one of the most liberal cities anywhere, has had elected the republican mayoral candidates term after term. why? because they are just liberal enough not to piss everybody off. they are not shitting their pants at the hot-button topics.
so who did the reps chose to endorse? this guy (if you want to fast forward through beck's tirade, go to 4:30):http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZRS29qnSs8
it took a while getting through glenn beck's tirade, and i apologize. it staggers me that the moron beck goes off on republicans saying they will vote for dede only because she's in the republican party while he's backing hoffman because palin and santorum endorse him. isn't beck going with hoffman just because republicans endorse him? how is that different from reps voting for dede just because? fucking idiot.
besides that, just look at doug hoffman. i mean LOOK at him. he looks like he is holding in explosive diarrhea throughout the entire interview. aside from that, he has the personality of a comatose patient. i gotta give the man credit for one thing though: never in my life have i seen so much concern by a potential elected official for the issues and concerns of a people in a district that he does not even live in. you read that right: he does not live in the 23rd district. look it up. and he wanted to represent it. *sigh*
after hoffman lost the election, i saw this posting by a friend on my facebook newsfeed:
"I never post partisan politcal stuff here, but I have to make a comment regarding the 23rd Congressional election. Folks, we just GAVE AWAY a seat no Democrat won since Franklin Pierce was President. That was 1852, in case you were wondering. The Big Tent ideas of George HW Bush - that was what made us a majority party in the 1980s and again in the late 90s - 00s. The tea party gang just made taking back Congress one seat harder. How is THAT a victory? Milton's character of Satan was wrong - it is NOT better to reign in Hell. You only have a say in what happens in Congress if you are the governing party. If we do not want this country to turn into a statist government , with a permanent statist liberal Democratic majority, they had best understand that concept or the modern GOP can get ready to follow the Whigs of the 1820s to 1850s, the Democrats of the 1860s- 1920s and the GOP from the 1930s to the 1960s - political oblivion. Come on folks - it really is about winning and governing. Any political movement that relied on any kind of 'purity' have ended up on the dust bin of history. The party of Lincoln, TR and Ronald Reagan is bigger and better than that."
i agree with his last sentence because it will take a lot of work to get the republican party back to that glory. my question: what makes you think doug hoffman can inspire that? he couldn't inspire an infant to giggle if he tried.
friends, do you want to know why doug hoffman lost the fighting 23rd? he was endorsed by rick santorum and sarah palin. rick santorum, noted gay-basher, and sarah "i can see russia from my house" palin. i wouldn't take an endorsement from sarah palin because sarah palin is retarded. an endorsement from her is like a punch in the testicles.
before last week, i would not have given a bunch of counties upstate any thought at all besides my previous visits to oswego and driving through to get to montreal. therefore, i dedicate this rant to the media for bringing it to my attention and subsequent pissed-off-ness.
personally, i'm a fan of the fighting 23rd. oswego is a great town. nice college campus, good food, and a great pub. i'm going to venture a guess and say one of the most pressing social issues up there is the evil snow that comes from canada. i'm also going to assume that there are already some district-sponsored initiatives to build a giant force bubble around the 23rd district to keep the snow, cold air, and canadian geese shit out of there. think i'm crazy to assume this? they had 11 feet of snow a few years ago. that means that if i put my fiance on my shoulders in oswego that winter, we'd still be under the snow by a few inches. fuck! let me say i'm all for the giant force bubble. tell me where to sign up.
so what was up for stake earlier this week was a seat in the US house of reps. whoopdie do? so the old representative was appointed sec of the army. christ, bipartisanship at work? a dem president chosing a rep secretary? who would've thought? so the choices for replacement were a rep lady named dede, a dem guy named bill, and a conservative guy named doug hoffman.
then the republican party fucked itself up again. they decided to endorse conservative hoffman because dede was seen as too liberal. let me just say this: i like new york republicans. in fact, ny likes ny republicans. case and point, new york city, one of the most liberal cities anywhere, has had elected the republican mayoral candidates term after term. why? because they are just liberal enough not to piss everybody off. they are not shitting their pants at the hot-button topics.
so who did the reps chose to endorse? this guy (if you want to fast forward through beck's tirade, go to 4:30):http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZRS29qnSs8
it took a while getting through glenn beck's tirade, and i apologize. it staggers me that the moron beck goes off on republicans saying they will vote for dede only because she's in the republican party while he's backing hoffman because palin and santorum endorse him. isn't beck going with hoffman just because republicans endorse him? how is that different from reps voting for dede just because? fucking idiot.
besides that, just look at doug hoffman. i mean LOOK at him. he looks like he is holding in explosive diarrhea throughout the entire interview. aside from that, he has the personality of a comatose patient. i gotta give the man credit for one thing though: never in my life have i seen so much concern by a potential elected official for the issues and concerns of a people in a district that he does not even live in. you read that right: he does not live in the 23rd district. look it up. and he wanted to represent it. *sigh*
after hoffman lost the election, i saw this posting by a friend on my facebook newsfeed:
"I never post partisan politcal stuff here, but I have to make a comment regarding the 23rd Congressional election. Folks, we just GAVE AWAY a seat no Democrat won since Franklin Pierce was President. That was 1852, in case you were wondering. The Big Tent ideas of George HW Bush - that was what made us a majority party in the 1980s and again in the late 90s - 00s. The tea party gang just made taking back Congress one seat harder. How is THAT a victory? Milton's character of Satan was wrong - it is NOT better to reign in Hell. You only have a say in what happens in Congress if you are the governing party. If we do not want this country to turn into a statist government , with a permanent statist liberal Democratic majority, they had best understand that concept or the modern GOP can get ready to follow the Whigs of the 1820s to 1850s, the Democrats of the 1860s- 1920s and the GOP from the 1930s to the 1960s - political oblivion. Come on folks - it really is about winning and governing. Any political movement that relied on any kind of 'purity' have ended up on the dust bin of history. The party of Lincoln, TR and Ronald Reagan is bigger and better than that."
i agree with his last sentence because it will take a lot of work to get the republican party back to that glory. my question: what makes you think doug hoffman can inspire that? he couldn't inspire an infant to giggle if he tried.
friends, do you want to know why doug hoffman lost the fighting 23rd? he was endorsed by rick santorum and sarah palin. rick santorum, noted gay-basher, and sarah "i can see russia from my house" palin. i wouldn't take an endorsement from sarah palin because sarah palin is retarded. an endorsement from her is like a punch in the testicles.
today's rant: i thought michael jackson was dead, originally 10/2/09
correct me if i'm wrong, but i could have sworn that michael jackson died 4 months ago. he did? ok, then why do i have to hear him everyday on the radio. the oldies station and the adult contemporary stations are playing him more than ever. it used to be only one song, "the way you make me feel". oddly enough, for some reason, when ever i hear that song, a cartoon goes off in my head of michael with a fucked up grin on his face and he is serenading machauly culkin while singing that song. he almost looks like a "ren and stimpy" character in my head. but now that he's on non-stop, i'm getting all sorts of fucked up cartoons in my head. i can't speak of them aloud, or my friends and family will slam me with an intervention.
disturbing thought: if britney was to keel over, we'd get "baby one more time" hourly. balls.
i think at this point, the only way to curtail the amount of play jacko gets now is to start horrible rumors of his life when he was recording his songs. i mean really bad rumors. maybe have some fake audio hitting youtube of an interview along the lines of "when you recorded 'rock with you', how did you prepare yourself mentally?" "well, i always had plenty of bottled water in my booth, i'd warm up with some inuit throat singing, and i'd slap a little puppy in the face." if you heard that, you might not want to hear that song again, right?
disturbing thought: if britney was to keel over, we'd get "baby one more time" hourly. balls.
i think at this point, the only way to curtail the amount of play jacko gets now is to start horrible rumors of his life when he was recording his songs. i mean really bad rumors. maybe have some fake audio hitting youtube of an interview along the lines of "when you recorded 'rock with you', how did you prepare yourself mentally?" "well, i always had plenty of bottled water in my booth, i'd warm up with some inuit throat singing, and i'd slap a little puppy in the face." if you heard that, you might not want to hear that song again, right?
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