just this morning, i woke up and had a revelation. i hate the jonas brothers because they have the same nasally singing voices that backstreet and nsync had 10 years ago. isn't it nice when you figure things out on your own?
barbara and i are back from the bahamas and florida. woo! so many ideas, what do write about first?
firstly, we drove down. it's an experience in and of itself. however, put simply, there was no fucking way i was flying down. even with all the food we had to buy and the hotel rooms, it was still cheaper than flying down.
well, we set out right after work on thursday, 7/2. typical of most days within the past month, it rained like a motherfucker. there was actually a point on the LIE at about exit 49 where i said "and here it comes". 3 seconds later, i needed to crank my windshield wipers to max. 2 minutes later, i swear that i saw a big wooden boat float by and a pair of giraffes where looking down on me laughing their asses off. at about 9pm, after going through jersey and over the delaware water gap, we spend the night at barbara's aunt & uncle's house in pennsylvania. thank god her uncle is a mechanic, because my engine started sputtering noticeably along the trip. 3 blocks away, the "check engine" light started flashing. the diagnosis: spark plugs. easy squeezy. along with repayment for the parts, we're sending him a harley davidson coffee mug we got in nassau, bahamas.
on 7/3, we went to dorney park. woo! (i'm going to be typing that a lot in this rant) thankfully, we got there at 10:30am it was a 50% chance of rain, which meant easy dibs on the awesome roller coasters. we rode steel force twice in a row. the first time got the adrenaline going; the second time shook off the nerves. we got on all the big rides we wanted to that day and didn't get back until at least 8pm. we bought a couple of small fireworks and shot them off in the driveway. hey, we made sure it was small fireworks. i was prepared to buy enough gun powder to start my own militia, but there were little things to consider when shooting off the fire works, like trees. apparently, trees BURN! so, to my dismay, we didn't elect to buy the uber-fireworks.
on the 4th, we set out for florida. we got to drive through DC, but it was too light out for fireworks. since we didn't have a hotel booked for the 4th, barbara called home and asked her mom to book one online in north carolina. the choice was an "extended stay america" in fayettville. i said "what the fuck is that?" what proceeded was a conversation/argument between barbara and her mom over booking the hotel on priceline. for a good 5 minutes they were pretty much saying the same things back and forth to each other. "don't put my credit card info in." "but i don't think it will book it" "they're asking for my credit card info, they'll book it" "i don't think so" "i told you not to my credit card info in!" "oh, looks like i booked it". at that point, i said "for the love of god, hang up the phone." i don't need that while i'm driving.
by the by, if you have the opportunity to stop at a cracker barrel, i suggest you do so. good biscuits.
sunday the 5th, we set out from fayettville to go to cocoa, FL, 12 miles away from port canaveral. we had a couple of stops along the way. firstly, we stopped at south of the border. had to. i just had to get a bumper sticker. barbara got one, too, despite that she didn't drive her car down. but she was there, and that's all that matters. people will just think her car went to south of the border, and what's wrong with that? next, when we got to georgia, another compulsion too cover. i HAD to get a georgia peach. barbara took a picture of me biting into one, juice dripping into my goatee. i'm pretty sure that's on facebook right now. when we got to florida, as i mentioned previously, we were constantly bombarded with anti-abortion billboards. ok, here's my POV. i would prefer adoption, but for the love of god, i'm a guy! it's not my issue! who the fuck am i, or the people to advertised on this billboard for that matter, to tell someone what to do with their body or health?! another thing: i don't think it's any coincidence that most of the anti-abortionists down south just plain ol' don't fuck anymore. i bet if they got their rocks off more often, they'd be more relaxed.
the cruise set out on the 6th. we did as much as we could. we went to royal caribbean's private island, Coco Cay, and we went to nassau. we only spent an hour and a half on each island, mainly because of the heat. the water on Coco Cay was very nice. nassau, um, was a bit of a hassle. literally. as soon as we got off the ship, hasslers were trying to take us on over-priced taxi rides, braid our hair, and i swear to you, try to get us to rent an "air conditioned scooter" for $50. how fucking dumb do you think we are? suck my new york cock! no, i don't want to buy a knock-off coach bag for $55. beside the islands, we tried the rock climbing wall. barbara made it up half way, while i made it to the little bell and rang it. apparently, while i was climbing, people were asking the safety technician how much he weighed because he was holding the rope i was on. i'm a good two fitty, so if i fell before he was ready, he was either going to go up on the pulley or drop me. i had to be the heaviest guy in the group of people waiting to try the wall, so i could only imagine the fear going into people's minds as i was climbing.
you ever watch the youtube video of the guy miming to natalie imbruglia's "torn"? well, i got the bright idea that we should do that at karaoke. barbara would sing and i would mime. it... was... beautiful. we video taped it. the crowd reaction was priceless.
the food service on the cruise was impeccable. the food itself... meh. i might have enjoyed the food better if it didn't turn my poo green. too much information? speaking of using the bathroom, the cleaning lady asked barbara not to use the cottonelle toilet paper that we brought with us. she immediately pointed the finger at me. what kind of excuse is "oh no, HE is the one who uses that toilet paper"? real mature. hey, if they don't want to worry about my toilet paper, they should change their plumbing. i'm sorry, but i actually care about my butt. my standards are too high. if you can't handle that, then i want a better cruise.
i'd have to say that the worst part of the cruise was the "adventure ocean talent show". essentially, it's a way for the parents to get their kids to shut the fuck up for 30 minutes of the entire cruise. barbara and i were 1 floor up playing scrabble listening on and occasionally watching. the watching part was probably a bad idea, but some things must be seen to be believed. the low point was a kid saying "why did the chicken cross the playground? to get to the other slide!" the host asked where he heard that joke. the genius replied "i don't know, i made it up." i'm getting infuriated just thinking about it. here it comes... NO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I HEARD THIS JOKE 20 FUCKING YEARS AGO! FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, AND FUCK YOU! the retard host told the parents that after every kid "performed", and i use that term loosely, he will ask what the kid deserves, and the parents should yell "FIRST PRIZE!!!" as such, all the kids got a gold medal, which completely negates all meaning of first prize or a gold medal.
just to give you an idea of how painful the talent show was, let me compare it to another bad experience i had on the trip. yesterday, i had to pee. like, really bad. being the retard that i am, i trusted tomtom to get me to a restaurant so that i could do my thing. first, it told me to turn right, then u-turn (instead of turning left like a normal person would do). it took me to the wrong building. it then took me to jared the jeweler. at that point, i was grabbing everything and getting jittery as fuck. i started crying. yes, i started crying. i considered stopping the car mid-traffic and pissing into the cup i got when i bought a milk shake. ironically, it's the same milk shake that was making me want to piss so badly. so of course, when barbara realized that i drove right past the restaurant, i yelled "FUCK!!!" i cried even more and squeaked out "i need to go to the bathroom so badly." the kids talent show was worse than that.
fuck you, tomtom. you are never allowed in my car ever again.
when we got back last night, the first placed we stopped was umberto's pizza for some REAL NEW YORK FUCKING FOOD!
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