i recently watched the remake of friday the 13th because i am a fan of horror movies. i watched every minute of that movie. by the time the movie was over, i had a dis-satisfied taste in my mouth (and no, james, it's not because i was blowing a tranny). i couldn't quite put my finger on the reason why i wasn't more enthusiastic. then, i did the same thing i do whenever i want to expand my cranium: i went to wikipedia. high five! woo! wiki! in the very first paragraph of the article on the movie, i found the reason why i was unsatisfied. the writers of the movie remake were the same writers for freddy vs. jason. that explains everything. crappy dialogue, boobs galore, and every horror movie cliche known to mankind in the opening 20 minutes alone! what's left to watch? don't get me wrong, i love boobs as much as the next bloke, but there were like 5 million boobs in that movie. call me crazy, but if you're going to have 5 million boobs in one movie, at least make some of them natural. those boobs were as firm and unmoving as a troop of nazi soldiers (yes, i'm referencing robin williams. i can't reference lewis black all the time, can i?). i like natural, and fake boobs just take the fun out. ...ok, they take only some of the fun out. but in all honesty, there were only 3 women in the whole movie who didn't show their goodies. thankfully, one of them was an 80-year-old. if they wanted to really make it a horror movie, they'd have shown her soggy sacks of flesh.
i think the only high point of the entire movie was i got to see willa ford's boobs. that's a high point for me because i actually remember who willa ford is. i will not be surprised if you don't. she's a one-hit wonder from the beginning of the decade. google her. you might churn up some old high school masturbatory fantasies.
the low point of the movie was jason's mom, pamela voorhees. *spoiler alert* she got all of 2 minutes of movie time at the very beginning. she's supposed to be the original crystal lake killer, and we don't get to see her killing anybody. no bloody clothes, no bloody knife, no bloody tampon, nothing! also she looked strikingly like frenchie from the grease movie. how the fuck is that supposed to scare me? ok, i looked her up. hey trekkies, it major kira from "deep space nine".
the movie set a record for the franchise, but broke no new ground. in one scene leading to a death, i saw numerous items jason could've used that i've never seen used in the franchise before. just to name two, a bug zapper and a table saw. he ended up using a screwdriver. whoopdie doo. i hope you don't pay to see the next movie. i won't.
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