today's rant: 3-word quotes, originally 10/20/10

Ok, let’s try something a little less offensive.

I’m starting a new job at the beginning of November.  I’m excited because I get some nice new perks, including more money and life insurance.  I’m also a little nervous because I have to learn new things, I have to manage the new commute and make sure I’m not late, but most nerve-racking of all… I don’t know if the new job has good toilet paper.  In the end, that’s my biggest concern (a little double talk there, you’re welcome).  At my current job, we have something called “Windsoft” toilet paper.  The name makes sense, if by “wind” they mean “frigid ice storm” and by “soft” they mean “shards of broken glass”.  I really hope the person who orders the toilet paper at my new job respects himself enough to get the good stuff.

I think I’m just looking for a better work bathroom experience in general.  The bathroom at work now has a lot of room for improvement.  One toilet flushes better than the other.  In my college dorm, we’d have names for each kind.  The toilets with less flushing power were the “pissers” and the toilets with more flushing power were the “shitters”.  Besides that, someone at work washes their hands before going into the bathroom stall.  Someone else doesn’t know how to aim.  I’ve written a note on the wall saying “Stop pissing on the floor and on the toilet seat.”  Someone else just likes to leave unused paper towels on the floor.  Not even near the garbage either, thrown back 4 feet.  Just today, I saw short-’n-curlies in the sink.

I watched 5 minutes of last night’s NY gubernatorial debate.  It was entertaining at first, but it didn’t talk long for people to get off-topic.  I turned the TV off at that point.

If Cablevision is your TV provider and you’re going to be sad if you don’t see “Glee”, reconsider your priorities.

And now, I present my favorite famous 3-word movie quotes.

“I love lamp.” – Anchorman

“Fuck this planet” – Mission to Mars

“Tommy want wingie.” – Tommy Boy

“Iceberg, right ahead!” – Titanic

“Stay on target.” – Star Wars:  A New Hope

"Who's scruffy lookin'?"  “Size matters not.” – Star Wars:  The Empire Strikes Back

“You complete me.” – Jerry Maguire

“ET phone home.” – ET

“I’ll be back” – Terminator

“Resistance is futile.” – Star Trek:  First Contact

“Run, Forrest!  Run!” – Forrest Gump

“He slimed me.”  “Mother puss bucket” – Ghostbusters

“Everyone has AIDS!” – Team America:  World Police

“One million dollars!”  - Austin Powers:  International Man of Mystery

“Sorry.  I farted.” – Austin Powers:  The Spy Who Shagged Me

“This… Is… Sparta!!!” – 300

“Party on, Wayne.”  “Party on, Garth.” – Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World 2

“Free your mind.” – The Matrix

“Bond.  James Bond.” – Dr. No

“Sweep the leg.” – The Karate Kid

"Paging Dr. Faggot." - The Hangover

I am happy I don’t live in Delaware.  On one side of their senate race, we’ve got some dumb lady who wants creationism taught in public schools, but didn’t know that the separation of church and state is part of the freedom-of-religion part for the first amendment.  On the other side, we got a guy who knew that, but doesn’t know what the other 4 freedoms of the first amendment are.  Delaware, you are in serious trouble.  I know you have a small population, but there has got to be someone else in your state that is smarter than those two douche bags who want to represent you.