today's rant: holy jesus on ice skates! originally 3/13/1

....i know that the olympics are over, but i have a question.  if jesus christ was an ice skater, what country would he represent in the winter games?  i know it's supposed to be the savior of all mankind, but where would his citizenship lie?  the most obvious answer seems to be israel, but i'm pretty sure that jews might have a problem with jesus representing them in the olympics.  the next obvious choice is italy.  the only way to do that is to pull that little maneuver that chinese skater pulled switching citizenship to georgia to compete.

with st. patrick's day approaching, i've stared asking myself why any name in pop culture with the sound "chaun" or "kahn" belongs to a malicious character?  let's run down the list:

leprechaun
just look at this drunken bastard.  you want to know what happens when you steal his gold or his lucky charms?  watch the movie.

khan noonien singh
from my favorite of the star trek movie.  don't forget about putting this dickhead on ceti alpha V for 15 years, or he'll steal a federaton ship, maroon you, and you'll be forced to yell 'KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" at the top of your lungs.  also, don't mention that with a little face paint, he'd look like the ultimate warrior.  he hates that.  HATES that.

genghis khan
goddamn mongorians!!!  sweet sour pork!!!

mortimer khan
genghis khan's less-successful brother.  you piss this guy off, and he'll possess your dog.  best-case-scenario:  have a snow globe handy to capture his spirit.

chaka hkan
despite what she says, i don't believe her when she says "i'm every woman".  that would mean that she's my mom, my aunt, my neighbor's wife, my fiance, my grandmother, tipper gore, dennis rodman, the list is endless.

kilo khan
overlord of the digital world.  his MO includes hacking into your high school's basketball score board, the cafeteria cash register, and the thermostat.  holy shit, so scary.  ok, serious question, did anyone else actually watch "superhuman samurai syber-squad"?  i didn't think so.  god, i suck.

dr. khan
this prick is the distant, unseen authority figure from "salute your shorts".  however, think twice before the next time you sneak candy on camp or decide to give the local geek ball an "awful waffle".  some say (at least i say, but who knows) that the moment you meet dr. khan's gaze in his office, you can see a couple of gates of hell open up.  for the record, those gates of hell are the disney channel.  i don't think it's any coincidence that cablevision has the disney channel and nickelodeon so close together on the channel listing.  that's why they never showed dr. khan's face.  it makes sense if you don't think about it.