I cook. A lot.
And I like to cook, as well. I
believe it comes from two influencing factors:
I’m half-Italian (and we fuckers love food) and I remember my dad and
his friends using a charcoal grill. I
started cooking when I was in my teens, primarily using a grill. I consider those times to be a collection of
mistakes that I had to make in order to learn from them. Translation:
I burned a lot of hamburgers, hotdogs, steaks, and chicken.
One life
lesson I learned as a teenager is that charcoal needs to be stacked in a
pyramid and lit from the bottom. Think
of that scene in “The Dark Knight” where Heath Ledger’s Joker lights that huge
fucking pile of cash on fire with the mob-accountant Lao at the top. Once you get the bottom going, the rest will take
care of itself. “Everything burns”, so
to speak.
One piece of
cooking bullshit that I encourage everyone to stay away from is buying really-specific-food
preparation utensils. Pineapple corers,
banana slicers, banana hooks, onion containers, all infomercial cooking items
and tools, and especially the Instant Pot.
Fuck the Instant Pot. Who needs a
yogurt maker? Saute/searing pan my ass. I already have that, and it’s shallow so I
can grab and flip shit easily. I don’t
need a steamer. I need a pot with water
in it, which, again, I have. I don’t
need a pressure cooker. None of my
recipes call for one. I’ve never needed
a rice cooker. I don’t need a food
warmer. For that, I have an oven that
goes down below 200 degrees. Throw that other
shit away! This is all you really need
to cook:
an oven and
stove, a high-quality large skillet pan, a high-quality frying pan, some pots
to boil water, a baking pan, some cookie sheets, tongs, spatula, meat
thermometer, a high-quality knife, and a cutting board that isn’t a pain in the
ass to clean. If you can’t cook with
just those, you don’t belong in the kitchen.
Get the fuck out before I splash boiling water on you.
For the love
of God, do NOT buy any cooking gear that has the word “copper” in it. Copper may be an awesome conductor of heat,
but it has no non-stick properties whatsoever.
That’s why non-stick coating is added, and most of them on copper
cookware are crap! Put simply: if you cannot see the non-stick coating, it
isn’t enough. That’s why Teflon coating
is black on other pans. Do you really
want rusted green shit in your shit? I
don’t think so. Mr. Jolly Green Giant Turds.
Same thing goes for ceramic cookware, too. Buy steel or titanium. Do not buy aluminum. That shit bends.
Large family
gatherings are a delight in an Italian family, outside the accusations of who’s
abusing Grandma. Even those family
members who can’t cook know where to get good Italian food, either catered or
at a restaurant. If you’ve never been to
an Italian restaurant in New York, you are truly missing out. Even the pizzeria’s have good Italian
entrees. In fact, if you’re within 100 miles of Manhattan, you are not too far
from decent Italian food. My mouth is
watering thinking about it.
As a quality
control professional, it pisses me off when sales and business people complain
to me that things that I do or things I reject are going to cost such and such
amount of money. Part of my job is to
figure out the politest way of saying “I don’t give a shit!” It’s not my job to worry about what something
costs. It’s my job to make sure what the
customer gets is exactly what they asked for and what they expected. What’s the matter? Are you upset because the part you sent us
doesn’t match the purchase order we sent you, and it will cost too much money
to send back? Fuck you! You shouldn’t have made or delivered the wrong part.
No one fucking told you to make the wrong part. You did that.
Are you upset that the part I rejected doesn’t have the correct cost
logged in our system? Fuck you! I don’t do that shit! Do I look like a fucking buyer? I have a caliper in one hand and a CMM probe
in the other. I care if the material we
use is right or wrong, not how much it costs.
Stop making or ordering 200 parts you’ve never done before and getting
upset when I say it’s not right.
My wife is a
lot more sociable than I am, and she has been since we moved to SC. She found niches in Facebook groups about
moms and mom stuff and mom activities.
Babywearers of SC, Milk Maids breastfeeding groups, Mom Blogs, groups
like that. One side effect of her social
life is that I have to handle our kids while we travel on weekends to attend
those group meetings. Yay. Now I get to watch our kids yell at or get
yelled at by other mom’s kids for 3 hours while they discuss proper ring sling
baby carrier techniques. Now I get to
chauffer everyone to meet at a Walmart parking lot to get frozen breast milk
from a donor to provide to someone else.
Fun fact: it’s interesting to
watch what happens to a baby that is drinking donor milk from a donor that eats
a lot of spicy food.
I’m told I
get PTO at work, which stands for “paid time off”. This is time I earn every paycheck to use as
I see fit for vacation and sick time.
This would’ve been more accurate if I was not a parent. As a parent, there is no such thing as
“vacation”. This time I earn per
paycheck is time saved in case my kids get sick and I must leave work. I think that when I put down that I have
dependents under the age of 26 on my W2, my job should automatically
re-classify the time off into a phrase that is much more accurate. They should call it
“just-in-case-kid-pukes-at-school time off”, or JICKPASTO.
There are two phrases that I could have gone through the
month of June without needing to hear: “straight pride” and “the gay agenda”. If I dumb myself down enough, I think some retard could
argue “Well, if there’s gay pride, then I should be able to have straight
pride.” As if a church-approved
institution of marriage wasn’t good enough for me. As if anyone would beat the shit out of me
and leave me to die tied to a fence in the middle of an open field because I
put my penis in a vagina (don’t dwell on that thought; you’ll scar the back of
your eyes). Please. I’ve never had to prove myself as a person
despite my hetero-normative relationship with my wife. Sounds like some more conservative, white,
male bullshit. I don’t think a woman
could’ve been stupid enough to come up with that concept. I’m not sure what exactly is on “the gay agenda”, but I am
confident of 2 things. Firstly, “destroy
the institution of marriage” isn’t on there.
The reason is because they’re too late.
Michael Jackson, Larry King, and Donald Trump got married. C’mon, how serious of an institution are we
talking about? Secondly, if there was a
“gay agenda”, I’m pretty sure one of the first things on the agenda would be
“don’t get harassed at work today.”
I read a local news article that my county government is
proposing to ban plastic bags at grocery stores. I saw this news article on Facebook, so
naturally, there were some retards looking for attention in the comments
section. Two of the top three most
popular comments were dismissive of the idea because they think it’s
governmental control. Yeah,
goddamnit! Fuck government for trying to
make where we live more habitable for humans to exist. I replied to one of them, just to see what
will happen and give them a taste of their own attention seeking medicine. Am I any better than them? …Yes.
By the way, they didn’t reply.
Imagine Vladimir Putin shoving a 9 iron up Donald Trump’s
bunghole while they are both wearing Mexican gardening clothes at Mar a
Lago. There’s no point I’m trying to
make. Just imagine that for a minute or
six. It might make you feel better or it
might upset you. If it upset you, you
probably found the idea of lynching Obama funny while he was in office, and
that objectively makes me a better person than you. A presidential golf sodomy joke is better
than a presidential lynching joke 100% of the time. OK, honestly, I started making this paragraph
without a point, but it looks like I made one in the end. So did Putin.
A hole in one. In the end.
Please allow me to rebut 50% of the complaints about that
last paragraph now saying “Hillary is a crook!
Hillary is a murderer!”. OK. I didn’t vote for her either, so fuck you. I don’t give a shit about your comment. My preference would be he is voted out of office over
impeachment. Impeachment and conviction
mean we then deal with Pence. Ugh.
If the President of the United States is the Commander in
Chief of the U.S. military, can they be Court Martialed? I ask because with Dumbo Drumpf’s interest in
Greenland, I am reminded of a quote from the Sgt. Bilko movie with Steve Martin
and Phil Hartman: “The didn’t have enough to evidence to Court Martial him, so
they sent him off to Greenland.” Mr.
Mueller, take a hint.
Hypothetically speaking, if “tweets” from one Twitter user’s
account caused billions of dollars in market capital to be lost in the stock
market, wouldn’t you expect that account to be at least suspended? I’d even make an argument for SEC violations
for market manipulation.
