for some reason, my "seinfeld and santorum" rant has been the most viewed yet. i'm guessing it's because santorum was a popular asshole and came up with some fucked up things to say that it generated some google search results. so does that mean i have to rant and rave about truly hot-buttom topics and fads? hmm...
gangnam style selfies mcconnelling planking how i met your mother finale philip seymore hoffman is dead obamacare malaysia airplane mets blew it again rand paul fox news cnn jennifer lawrence teenage mutant ninja turtles captain america days of future past.
let's see of that works.
my wife starting singing "there was a farmer, had a dog, and e-i-e-i-o." she may claim pregnancy brain. wrong song, sweetie.
wrestlemania is next week. this year, i will not be watching an illegal stream of the pay-per-view because i don't know which live stream website i visited that got me hacked. therefore, i will visit none. fuck that shit. a person should be able to watch an illegal stream of proprietary sports broadcasting free and clear of legal consequences and malicious cookies.
since the powers that be in wwe have dangled the carrot of bryan danielson (daniel bryan) possibly winning the main event since he'd have to wrestle twice, that pretty much guaranteed people buying into the pay-per-view. that's all they need. paul levesque (triple h) could pin him in three seconds and it wouldn't make a difference in how many bought the show.
Monday, March 31, 2014
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
today's rant: birth plan
apparently, my blog is the shit in ukraine. i've had 16 page views in the past week from ukraine, compared to 1 from america. i'll take that as a compliment.
um, to be honest, the whole ukraine/crimea/russia thing is not on my list of things to care about because i am trying to distance myself from having any sort of political scope, since "politics" is just a politician's word for "bullshit". therefore, i honestly have no fucking clue why i have 16 ukrainian pageviews, but please keep it up. just don't turn me into an attention whore like paris hilton, nancy grace, rosie o'donnell, sarah palin... the list goes on.
my wife has written a birth plan for her hospital. her birth plan is a list of medical information with long words having a lot to do with the lower half of her body that she wants her medical staff to know. i read this earlier this week thinking that there is no way that any bodily function that a man goes through in his life can even come close to justifying a list like this. the only thing i can think of that a man may care about as much, but still not even come close to being as important, is the perfect environment for taking a dump. with that in mind, here is my dump plan.
jonathan's dump plan
location: master bathroom, water closet.
floor temperature must be set to 74 +/- 2 degrees for optimal sockless contact.
seat temperature must be set to 90 +/- 2 degrees for optimal ass-cheek contact.
toilet paper: must be cottonelle brand, ideally with aloe, put on holder rolling backwards. a spare will always be available should the first be extinguished.
reading: three most recent maxim magazines must be available for visual consumption.
dumper is not to be disturbed for a minimum of fifteen minutes upon entering aforementioned water closet.
locks shall be calibrated once per quarter to ensure no stray children will accidentally open the door and be scarred for life.
scale readings pre-dump and post-dump are proprietary information and only given out on a need-to-know basis.
standard 120V outlet with power adapters for laptop and apple products will be available.
um, to be honest, the whole ukraine/crimea/russia thing is not on my list of things to care about because i am trying to distance myself from having any sort of political scope, since "politics" is just a politician's word for "bullshit". therefore, i honestly have no fucking clue why i have 16 ukrainian pageviews, but please keep it up. just don't turn me into an attention whore like paris hilton, nancy grace, rosie o'donnell, sarah palin... the list goes on.
my wife has written a birth plan for her hospital. her birth plan is a list of medical information with long words having a lot to do with the lower half of her body that she wants her medical staff to know. i read this earlier this week thinking that there is no way that any bodily function that a man goes through in his life can even come close to justifying a list like this. the only thing i can think of that a man may care about as much, but still not even come close to being as important, is the perfect environment for taking a dump. with that in mind, here is my dump plan.
jonathan's dump plan
location: master bathroom, water closet.
floor temperature must be set to 74 +/- 2 degrees for optimal sockless contact.
seat temperature must be set to 90 +/- 2 degrees for optimal ass-cheek contact.
toilet paper: must be cottonelle brand, ideally with aloe, put on holder rolling backwards. a spare will always be available should the first be extinguished.
reading: three most recent maxim magazines must be available for visual consumption.
dumper is not to be disturbed for a minimum of fifteen minutes upon entering aforementioned water closet.
locks shall be calibrated once per quarter to ensure no stray children will accidentally open the door and be scarred for life.
scale readings pre-dump and post-dump are proprietary information and only given out on a need-to-know basis.
standard 120V outlet with power adapters for laptop and apple products will be available.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
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