Today’s rant: TMNT2

The following is going to be an angry rant about cash-grab sequels.

 

The movie starts out with “In memory of Jim Henson”.  My initial thought is “Is that why the turtles’ heads look so different?  Because Jim Henson is dead?  They couldn’t use or find the old ones?  Because one person who may not have been the costume designer is dead?”

 

The movie kicks off with the eponymous reptiles thwarting the robbery of sub-level strip mall by a gang of nylon wearing goons, jumping into action and only pausing to show the title card in full display.  Already, I have some issues with this.  Firstly, I don’t know if you have ever gone shopping in New York City, but I have never seen an indoor strip mall, let alone one that is easily accessible with 2 windowed doors that is a half-story down from street level to the loading dock.  That screams of poor security or poor production forethought by the makers of 1991’s “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II:  The Secret of the Ooze”.  Secondly, harking back to the first film, Master Splinter explicitly trained the turtles and reminded them to strike without being seen.  Hence, the part where April O’Neil is being accosted behind the news studio, our pizza-loving heroes knock out the light before subduing the criminals and escaping back into the dank, dank sewers.  Why then, oh why, do they jump into action in full view of the nylon-hooded… I’m assuming Nazis because they are all white… and the movie’s new supporting character, Keno?  I can only assume that they were so pissed off that their pizza was not directly delivered, despite the robbery, and had to jump into action to retrieve it.  That is the only reason I can think of that makes sense.  They were not acting heroically.  Far from it.  They went there only to acquire and pay for the pizza they ordered.  Had Keno not saw the robbery vans and checked out what was going on, pizza in-tow, the turtles would not have intervened with the robbery.  So already, fuck those guys.

 

Now, off the top of your head, how much time do you think has passed in-universe between the first film and the second?  I’m willing to take any answer between 24 hours and 6 months.  Why 24 hours?  Because the Shredder is still alive after being deposited in a landfill from the garbage truck relating to his defeat in the previous film.  He is weak, possibly hungry depending on his willingness to eat garbage he is buried with, but alive nonetheless.  Why 6 months?  April has a new fully furnished residence despite her apartment and antique store shown in the first film both being burned to the ground.  I’m sorry, but I am not willing to entertain the thought that someone on a local news reporter’s salary can afford 2 New York City residences simultaneously.

 

The lack of weapon use irks me a lot.  Not the most, but a lot.  I know it’s a kids movie, but for fucks sake, even in the first movie, they at least swung the weapons around and tried to hit someone.  Donatello is the only one who used his weapon in an offensive manner.  Raphael skewered a slice of pizza with one sai and held them in his hands during an early battle scene.  Michelangelo used sausage links as nunchucks in the earliest battle scene and April exercised with the real things later.  Leonardo threw his swords into a ceiling to get leverage to kick a robber (again, earliest battle scene in the movie).  Aside from that, miscellaneous weapon use in 1991’s “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II:  The Secret of the Ooze” includes - and I’m not kidding here - a yo-yo, a foam-covered bat, and doughnuts.

The largest problem I have with the movie is the fight scene at the TGRI lab.  By the time the fight starts, the Foot Clan is already in possession of the last canister of the titular ooze.  Why, oh why, did the Foot Clan WAIT UNTIL THE TURTLES ARRIVED BEFORE LEAVING THE LAB?!  The obvious answer is to give the movie audience another fight scene, which goes against the logical plot progression of the villains securing the McGuffin of the whole fucking movie.  They risked failing their mission.  Staying makes absolutely no sense.

 

All this being said, I don’t know if I have mental stamina to watch “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III:  Turtles in Time” again.  I much rather play the Super Nintento or arcade game of the same sub-title.  New costumes, original Donatello voice actor (at least it sounds like it) with replacement Donatello aptitude for technology, their eyes are way to fucking big, Splinter looks like he had a series of defects in the cloning lab, and fucking time travel.

today's rant: bumper sticker

One night, my wife said to me "Can I ask you something?"  I said "Yes.".  My wife then farted, then followed up with "That's not what I wanted to say!"  I responded, "Well, it's a good thing I didn't have a re-butt-al."  I swear to Alanis Morissette, that conversation actually took place.  It's one of the best witty remarks I made in my life.

I occasionally get emails from vendors asking for me to connect them with others at my job to get them to buy stuff.  I love not doing anything with the emails, because it yields the best results.  By not forwarding them, I am not spreading potential bullshit to others at my job.  By not replying, they send follow-up emails a few weeks later, and thus they are wasting time chasing down a lead that will get them nothing.  You would be surprised by how many follow-up emails these people would send trying to get some sort of business.  There's no joke here; I just think it's the best thing I could do in the situation.

I am eating cheese and crackers and my dog is staring at me.  "Daddy, I wanna cheez!"  "No.  You shit on the floor and you are scared of the bell I got to train you to signal to go outside."  "Daddy, I wanna pee on da rugz!"

I got my 2nd COVID booster last Saturday.  I had a sore arm for 2 days but no other side effects.  No testicle enlargement, no bloodthirst, no butthole bleaching, nothing.  So if you haven't received any of the COVID shots at this point, you are the lagging edge of evolution and I hope nature cuts you off soon.  Do yourself a favor and go back to what your favorite conspiracy theorists were saying would happen to people to got the shots, then come back to our reality and count how many of those ideas actually came true.

I read a bumper sticker that had the "don't tread on me" snake on it, but the caption read "my rights don't end where your feelings begin".  This bumper sticker was right next to a "Let's go Brandon" sticker.  With that stupid piss-flag snake signifying a Republican car owner, I could not help but think that the phrase "my rights don't end where your feelings begin" would also fit just as well on a Democrat's car.  Therefore, the whole phrase is meaningless in the context of political affiliation.  If both sides can say exactly the same thing, and have it mean something to their base by implying the underlying political opinions and platforms, then they cancel each other out by being not explicit enough.  This is why I don't stop at calling conservatives "snowflakes", because they use the term as well.  I go the extra step and mock them for their discomfort for various specific things, like Lola Bunny's tits not being big enough.

I am more against the Dim Reaper than I am in favor of Biden.  I would prefer if someone else on the Democratic side ran in 2024, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen at this point.  I am still praying for a schism within the Republican party that burns the whole fucking thing to the ground.

When it comes to the riot on Jan 6, 2021, I have reached the point where I am confident that old Commander in Queef will die before any criminal charges are upon him.  Maybe the Justice Department should find something to charge his kids with in order to force him to make a 150-year plea bargain like Bernie Madoff took.

Today's rant: my holiness

I am giving serious thought to starting my own religion in order to have a way to get around stupid rules that local, state, and federal governments set up.  The reason is that a white, Christian high school football coach just won a Supreme Court case regarding him praying after a football game.  I mention the color of his skin and his religion because you can bet your balls if he was Muslim, that shit wouldn't happen.  Separation of Church and State seems pretty selective.  Other established rules seem pretty selective depending on sex, gender, born or unborn, race, bedfellows, citizenship, being a company, and other factors.  So why not I?  Why don't I take advantage?

There is no regulating body on Earth that says what a church is or is not.  However, for the purposes of US government recognition, I will be referring to the IRS guidelines.  I use the term "guidelines" loosely because not all items on the list they give on their website are required, but merely a "combination of these characteristics".  I will also be referring to the IRS because I like the idea of getting tax-exempt status.

One thing I would need is a creed and form of worship.  I would define my form of worship as logging into my Discord chat room at least once a week and saying "hi" to everyone.  The creed needs to be more thought out, but it would be pinned at the top of the chat room.  Here is my creed:

1. You can wear a hat if you want. (I'm defining any man-made item as a hat, including headscarves and unicorn headbands)

2. If someone does something objectively stupid in front of  you, you can pray out loud asking that Joe Pesci busts their knees with a baseball bat.

3. Life is not sacred.  You wouldn't hold a funeral for bacteria after the doctor gives you medicine for your infection.

4.  That being said, try not to kill anybody.

5.  An abortion is a sacrament, though not mandatory.

6.  Gender and sexual orientation are spectrums.  Any combination or permutation is OK and not worth less than any other.

7.  All claims must be substantiated with the scientific method.

8.  All problems must be solved using quality control practices, such as Root Cause / Corrective Action, 8D method, A3 method, etc.

9.  If you get a discount when buying something, such as with an advertised sale, coupon, or gift card, donate the difference (cash equivalent or food equivalent) to a food bank.

I also need an established place of worship.  Discord.  I also need regular congregations.  As stated before, once a week to say "hi".  I also need "regular religious services".  I think I can accomplish that with a weekly live webcast that people can join.

One thing I see on the IRS guidelines that I find particularly weird is Sunday schools for instruction of the young.  Does it have to be Sunday?  Why is the IRS saying this?  Why not Wednesday during lunch?

Ok.  Who wants in?

Today's rant: Jurassic Abortions

If you’ve never seen all of the Jurassic Park movies, and I have not, here is a brief but accurate summary:
1^st movie:  Let’s bring dinosaurs back to life and put them in an amusement park.  What’s the worst that can happen?
2^nd movie:  Let’s take dinosaurs off the isolated islands and bring them to the mainland.  What’s the worst that can happen?
3^rd movie:  Let’s go back to the isolated islands where the dinosaurs run free.  What’s the worst that can happen?
4^th movie:  Let’s open ANOTHER dinosaur amusement park and genetically create a stronger dinosaur.  What’s the worst that can happen?
5^th movie:  Let’s bring the dinosaurs to the mainland AGAIN and sell them on the black market.  What’s the worst that can happen?
6^th movie:  Let’s bring locusts back to life.  What’s the worst that can happen?

It appears that in some parts of the country, the rights of a gun-toting maniac outweigh the rights of a pregnant woman.  The argument against “murdering children in their mother’s wombs” seems counterintuitive with argument against preventing the rampant murder of actual living breathing people.  Arguing against abortion is not a religious, zealous appeal to a higher authority.  It’s a trigger to get stupid and uninformed people to vote.  Besides, abortion isn't in the bible.  And don't tell me that "murder" is, because God has never had a problem with murder before in all of human history.  God's most devout followers have been responsible for more murder than anyone else.

Let me take this opportunity to cut off the argument “what about the rights of the unborn child?”  Fuck you.  It has no rights.  It’s not born.  You give a corporation more rights than a fetus.  Life is not sacred.  Just look at Uvalde and Buffalo.  Viruses are alive.  Bacteria are alive.

What a wonderful time to be alive.  Let’s look at today’s life-cycle.  First, a mother can be forced to carry a fetus to term, which may have inherent health risks to said mother.  For argument’s sake, let’s say the mom dies.  Best case scenario, now you have a child with a widowed parent who can’t find baby formula on the store shelves because there’s a shortage.  Should the kid find the nutrition necessary, now we gotta educate the kid.  But for fuck’s sake, don’t tell the kid anything about the social nuances about biology, sex, and gender, because that’s too confusing for even the adults to wrap their heads around.  Also, make sure history class only covers the American Revolution, WWII, and anything after 1965.  Anything before or in-between sounds icky, and we just rather ignore that.  For gym class, kids learn how to duck and cover because gun-wielding maniacs have more rights than this kids mom ever did.  There is a non-zero chance the life-cycle ends here.  For the rest of the kids, work your asses off for $7.25/hour, or $2.13/hour if you have a tipped job, or go to college and sign your future away to your financial masters who will be sucking your paycheck dry until the day you die.

Look, can we just make a compromise?  Ratify the right to abortions, and in return, you get that stupid goddamn wall.  It’s not going to work anyway, but fuck it.  Take it.

Today’s rant: Belarus

If you storm the Capitol building then flee to Belarus, the last dictatorship in Europe, to avoid legal troubles, me thinks you have a hardon for dictators and a flaccid penis for representative democracy.  By the way, I am knowingly being gender specific in that statement.  Only a man would do that.  It is also very telling when 2 of the 3 US Reps who didn’t vote to stop trading with Russia are psychopath Marjorie Taylor Greene and pedophile Matt Gaetz.

Today’s rant: sex parties

There is a United States congressional representative from the state of North Carolina named Madison Cawthorn who claims that older Congresspeople have invited him to sexual gatherings and have done “key bumps” of drugs in front of him.  First of all, I put the phrase “key bump” in quotations because I do not know if it is one word or two.  That word has never come up in my life until recently, when it was uttered out of his grand ol’ mouth.  Secondly, the fact that he knows what a “key bump” is and I do not says a lot about him.

It is my professional opinion that the man is lying about the sexual gathering invitation in order to stir up conversation about him and against his Congressional coworkers.  This line of reasoning starts from 2 simple facts:  he is partially paralyzed and is in a wheelchair.  Please let me clarify, I am not implying that he is paralyzed to the point that his penis does not work.  I have not found proof that his dingdong is in disrepair, despite my due diligence (alliteration!), nor have I read anything to prove the opposite.  The man does not have children.  Therefore, if someone were to invite him to a sexual gathering, they would 1) need to already know that his pecker has perfect performing prowess, which brings up a whole host of questions as to why they would know that, and 2) know that the place has handicap accessibility.  From a practical standpoint, what are the odds that both are true?

Will Smith smacked Chris Rock upside the head because Jada Pinkett Smith did not find a “G.I. Jane” joke referring to her bald head to be funny.  Will Smith was laughing until he saw his wife was not.  I don’t blame Will for getting all serious only after seeing his wife didn’t find the joke funny.  Gentlemen, how many times have you laughed at something that your significant other found repugnant?  The joke may have been out of place, and the physical contact was uncalled for.  That’s it.  Let’s move on.

Today’s rant: Russia

I never thought I would say this, but Lady G is right. Someone needs to take Putin out.  I don’t care who, I don’t care if I never find out who, but he needs to get whacked.

I don’t know where all of these Russian oligarchs are docking their super yachts, but have you seen a map of the world lately?  All of Russia’s ocean access is where it where it is really fucking cold and not a big population density.

Donald Trump and Tucker Carlson are wiping Putin’s cum off of their lips every time they say a word. Their unwavering praise and support for a foreign autocrat boggles my mind. They truly do not give a shit what they say in public, as long as it is against a Democratic politician.

Hey, Kyle Rittenhouse!  Your time has come!  You want to protect property of a place you are not from?  Go to Ukraine. Put your gun where your mouth is and get your “patriotic” ass over there, cocksucker.

Recently, Donald Trump’s plane broke.  It is a huge red flag when someone who claims to be a billionaire is asking for donations to buy a new plane.  That is bullshit on a televangelist-level.