closing arguments in the civil case of diane woodruff vs. ryu/ken dojo for street fighting:
council for the defense:
ladies and gentlemen of the jury, put simply, all this case concerns is that one unhappy mother was dissatisfied with the service that my clients provided at their establishment. unfortunately, it has been taken over the edge by turning it into a civil suit, and there is no justification for it.
what typically happens when a service is disputed between consumer and the business? the consumer gets his money back. my clients offered to refund 100% of the fighting lesson fees. however, that wasn't good enough for the plaintiff. she seeks damages totaling 10 million arcade tokens, and for what? was her son injured? no. was her son abused? no. was her son mistreated in any way? none whatsoever. the plaintiff's claim that my clients brainwashed him and made him into a destructive nuisance to everyone around him is ludicrous. if anything, her son misused the lessons and discipline taught by my clients, and that is in no way their fault. it's most likely the fault of the defendant herself for being a neglectful mother letting her play so much video games.
the media coverage by this case has hurt the reputation of my client's dojo. they can no longer sustain their business because of the mud smearing that the plaintiff has done over the past few months to the news broadcasters. once, they were able to teach young students how to shoot fireballs at masked, spanish cage fighters, uppercut green brazilian mutants, and hurricane kick evil thai overlords. they can no longer do that, and we are seeking libel damages for the business lost to their establishment.
when you are deliberating, ask yourself if the damages that the plaintiff is seeking is really supported by the facts at hand. the answer should be a resounding "no". thank you.
council for the plaintiff:
this case goes beyond a simple disagreement between proprietor and consumer. the gross negligence of the defendants have warped the mind of my client's son. his grades had been steadily declining in school, and he picked fights on a daily basis before being expelled from his school district for shooting a fireball at the school mascot. who taught him how to do that? the two defendants, no one else.
you saw my client's child for yourself. for heaven's sake, the first day he came in to testify, he hurricane kicked the court room doors off their hinges. and you saw how unresponsive he was when he was asked questions. he was only able to say three things: hadoken, shoryuken, and something ridiculous that i can't even pronounce. even the court reporter couldn't type it down on record.
who knows how many children that the defendants have damaged with their reckless behavior. that is why we are seeking punitive damages totaling 10 million arcade tokens, so that they are unable to corrupt any more impressionable youths. ask yourself this when you are deliberating: would you want these men teaching your child? i think not. thank you and enjoy your lunch.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
today's rant: why i'm fucked up, originally 3/6/07
my personality is a very harsh double-edge sword. it has hindered me in more ways than i wish to count. on the one side, i hardly ever know the right thing to say. in the time it normally takes to come up with a witty response, i'm still thinking about the different things to say, what sounds best, what i shouldn't say, and minutes pass as i stare into oblivion while everyone around me is a mile ahead of me. when a group of people talk, i prefer to just shut the fuck up and listen because there is rarely an occasion when i have something relevant to contribute to the conversation. my best chance at getting out of a bind is to ask a question that has just the smallest importance to the topic of conversation.
on the other side of the coin, i tend to ramble on nonsensically. to me, it sounds smart, but i forget to think about what other people are thinking. most of the time, their thinking "what the fuck is this poor schmuck talking about?" i say inappropriate shit in class. to me, it's funny. to other people, it's just meh.
how about that shit? i can stand in front of a few hundred people and sing to them, but i have a hard time talking to one person. thus is my downfall.
on the other side of the coin, i tend to ramble on nonsensically. to me, it sounds smart, but i forget to think about what other people are thinking. most of the time, their thinking "what the fuck is this poor schmuck talking about?" i say inappropriate shit in class. to me, it's funny. to other people, it's just meh.
how about that shit? i can stand in front of a few hundred people and sing to them, but i have a hard time talking to one person. thus is my downfall.
today's rant: going on a trip to d.c., originally 3/1/07
this weekend, i'm going on a road trip with the rest of the high c's to sing in washington d.c., so i'm gonna be out of communication. therefore, to all of the myspacers sending friend requests who are advertising new myspace layouts, porno pic sites, free ipods, and everything else under the sun, don't bother. i'm not gonna be here to delete your friend requests and report your spam messages.
we're taking two cars down and we'll be off by about 4pm tomorrow and coming back sunday night. on the extremely rare chance that they're reading this before then, come with me! i have bottled water!
i haven't been to d.c. since i was about 10. i remember that while i was there, the u.s. treasury was selling pencils made of old one-dollar bills. there was about $7.31 worth of money in that pencil. i forget how much it cost, but i doubt it was anywhere near $7.31. i got a couple of souvenirs on that trip that i still have 13 years later. one is a two-dollar john wayne gold coin. the other is a sheet of four uncut two-dollar bills. it cost $11 to buy. think about that math for a second: 4 x 2 = 11. fuck the fact that the math is wrong. just think of the implication that an even number times an even number yields an odd number. after taking four levels of college calculus, i still can't explain that mathematically, nor have anything i've read even come close to it. that's how you know that we're fucked.
i also went to the air and space museum back in the day. i remember a moon rock and a bunch of old rocket pieces. that's about it. also visited the white house on a day where clinton was leaving on a helicopter, so i got to see is puffy white hair for about two minutes looking over the crowd of people.
we might not have time to make many souvenir stops, but i at least hope to find a funny t-shirt or something. i wonder if i take any pictures with my camera, some secret service people are going to pop out of random bushes and tackle me to the ground.
as i said on the high c's facebook page, hide your daughters, G.W. Bush. the high c's are comin' to D.C.!!!
we're taking two cars down and we'll be off by about 4pm tomorrow and coming back sunday night. on the extremely rare chance that they're reading this before then, come with me! i have bottled water!
i haven't been to d.c. since i was about 10. i remember that while i was there, the u.s. treasury was selling pencils made of old one-dollar bills. there was about $7.31 worth of money in that pencil. i forget how much it cost, but i doubt it was anywhere near $7.31. i got a couple of souvenirs on that trip that i still have 13 years later. one is a two-dollar john wayne gold coin. the other is a sheet of four uncut two-dollar bills. it cost $11 to buy. think about that math for a second: 4 x 2 = 11. fuck the fact that the math is wrong. just think of the implication that an even number times an even number yields an odd number. after taking four levels of college calculus, i still can't explain that mathematically, nor have anything i've read even come close to it. that's how you know that we're fucked.
i also went to the air and space museum back in the day. i remember a moon rock and a bunch of old rocket pieces. that's about it. also visited the white house on a day where clinton was leaving on a helicopter, so i got to see is puffy white hair for about two minutes looking over the crowd of people.
we might not have time to make many souvenir stops, but i at least hope to find a funny t-shirt or something. i wonder if i take any pictures with my camera, some secret service people are going to pop out of random bushes and tackle me to the ground.
as i said on the high c's facebook page, hide your daughters, G.W. Bush. the high c's are comin' to D.C.!!!
today's rant: trimspa, baby, originally 2/19/07
the media circus around the death of playboy playmate turned drunken blimp anna nicole smith has been very enlightening. i never new news corporations had nothing better to do in february. if they were smart, they would've milked that groundhog not seeing its shadow for all it was worth, but no. they decided to dig deep down into their intestines and pull out whatever shit they had. ladies and gentlemen, we have returned to the glory days of the monica lewinsky scandal and the oj simpson trial. on your mark, get set, puke.
i was on party poker when i found out she was dead. the tournament i was in was coming to a close and i was on the final table. i turned on cnn and wolf blitzer was reporting that smith was dead at age 39. ironically for me, that was great news because i won the poker tournament. at the end, i stood up and said "whoo! thank you anna for sacrificing yourself so that i could win." (it's a joke, don't get uppity) i wish to god that would've been the last of the news reporting, but time now stands still. everyday is just one blur after another of seeing it over and over again. i try my sincere hardest to not hear any "breaking news" about this media shit fest. the only things i know for certain is that there is a man named howard k. stern and that no one fucking knows where a 6-month old baby is. besides that, i don't want to know any more, but an important question needs to be answered. when she was alive, apparantly no one gave a shit about who was the father of her child, not even the possible sperm donors. besides the fact that a baby needs a father, why is everyone suddenly concerned now that there is no definite father? did everyone wake up and remember "uh, wait a minute, i think we forgot something .......... is there someone missing from this picture?" why was no one concerned when she was alive? speaking of wondering who the father is, how creepy is that being with her in the state she was in recently and trying to keep a staight face by remembering what she used to look like 10 years ago? how many times did each of those guys have to revert back to a "happy place" in their minds when knocking her up? unfortunately, i went home last weekend and my mom asked me "what do you think of that howard k. stern?" i stared at her in complete awe that she would ask me something as trivial as that. then i threw a piece of broccoli at her and she got a sprout in her eye. she deserved it. that's what she gets for watching all those entertainment news shows.
one thing that i see on fox news a lot when i flip through the channels is "the refrigerator of death". is that a new fad? when someone kicks the bucket, do people take photos of what is in their fridge? i'll save the photographer the trouble. when i go, i'll probably have a half-empty carton of fat-free milk, 5 cases of coke, some orange juice with the added calcium, some american cheese, and a steak thawing out. why would someone put medicine in a refrigerator? if it's not liquid medication, it doesn't need to be in there. i don't know who put it in there, but it doesn't belong there. i put a TV remote in the refrigerator by accident once, but i can't see how pills can end up there without some sort of mental lapse or it was staged there for the cameras. in either case, medicine doesn't belong there. act normal and put it thrown about by the bed. that's where it belongs. saddest part is that i'm sure there are more important parts of the hotel room to show on TV, but the refrigerator takes precedence. somebody remind fox news to photograph the fridge of courtney love when she withers and falls apart. that's sure to be more interesting.
i was on party poker when i found out she was dead. the tournament i was in was coming to a close and i was on the final table. i turned on cnn and wolf blitzer was reporting that smith was dead at age 39. ironically for me, that was great news because i won the poker tournament. at the end, i stood up and said "whoo! thank you anna for sacrificing yourself so that i could win." (it's a joke, don't get uppity) i wish to god that would've been the last of the news reporting, but time now stands still. everyday is just one blur after another of seeing it over and over again. i try my sincere hardest to not hear any "breaking news" about this media shit fest. the only things i know for certain is that there is a man named howard k. stern and that no one fucking knows where a 6-month old baby is. besides that, i don't want to know any more, but an important question needs to be answered. when she was alive, apparantly no one gave a shit about who was the father of her child, not even the possible sperm donors. besides the fact that a baby needs a father, why is everyone suddenly concerned now that there is no definite father? did everyone wake up and remember "uh, wait a minute, i think we forgot something .......... is there someone missing from this picture?" why was no one concerned when she was alive? speaking of wondering who the father is, how creepy is that being with her in the state she was in recently and trying to keep a staight face by remembering what she used to look like 10 years ago? how many times did each of those guys have to revert back to a "happy place" in their minds when knocking her up? unfortunately, i went home last weekend and my mom asked me "what do you think of that howard k. stern?" i stared at her in complete awe that she would ask me something as trivial as that. then i threw a piece of broccoli at her and she got a sprout in her eye. she deserved it. that's what she gets for watching all those entertainment news shows.
one thing that i see on fox news a lot when i flip through the channels is "the refrigerator of death". is that a new fad? when someone kicks the bucket, do people take photos of what is in their fridge? i'll save the photographer the trouble. when i go, i'll probably have a half-empty carton of fat-free milk, 5 cases of coke, some orange juice with the added calcium, some american cheese, and a steak thawing out. why would someone put medicine in a refrigerator? if it's not liquid medication, it doesn't need to be in there. i don't know who put it in there, but it doesn't belong there. i put a TV remote in the refrigerator by accident once, but i can't see how pills can end up there without some sort of mental lapse or it was staged there for the cameras. in either case, medicine doesn't belong there. act normal and put it thrown about by the bed. that's where it belongs. saddest part is that i'm sure there are more important parts of the hotel room to show on TV, but the refrigerator takes precedence. somebody remind fox news to photograph the fridge of courtney love when she withers and falls apart. that's sure to be more interesting.
today's rant: aqua teen bomber force, originally 2/12/07
wow. some people have proved just how retarded they can be. how do you mistake a light-brite for a bomb? "mommy, i made a clown!" "aaaah! duck & cover!" so it had wires and circuits. big fucking deal. so does everything else that runs on electricity. this is so retarded that even the cops who had to take the boxes down said "this is so retarded." why should the town of boston suffer for the stupidity of a few people? DA: "many people thought they looked like bombs." normal person: "well then they're fucking idiots." DA: "i even thought they looked like bombs!!!" normal person: "well then you're a fucking idiot." what startles me the most is that the authorities in boston say that the stunt will cost millions of dollars in taxpayer money. wrong again, jackasses. the stunt cost the price of the boxes, some batteries, a few magnets, and a long pole. the aftermath initiated by the authorities will cost millions of dollars in taxpayer money.
it's the mooninites. the fucking mooninites. holy shit, i'm sooooo scared. they're one fucking foot tall. even if people don't know who or what they are, wouldn't the middle finger be a dead giveaway that it's not the work of a terrorist mastermind? or do people actually believe there are psychopaths that take the time to put polygon-shaped aliens from the moon giving passerbys the middle finger on a black box?
probably the most insulting thing i heard from the boston authorities is the fact that people were scared of it because boston was the place where the 9/11 terrorists got on the planes. to those people who said that on tv, radio, internet, wherever...read this veeeeery carefully: those two guys put up the exact same mooninite boxes in manhattan, and we didn't give a shit. terrorists may have boarded the planes in boston, but they crashed HERE, you stupid mother fuckers. terrorists hit new york, and we know better than to go apeshit over some lights in the shape of cartoon characters. terrorists only leave boston, and you shit your pants when you see the boxes. re-evaluate who has the right to be scared and compare that to how manhattan and boston respectively reacted. what does that say about you, you mother fucking pussies? grow a set of balls and answer that.
it's the mooninites. the fucking mooninites. holy shit, i'm sooooo scared. they're one fucking foot tall. even if people don't know who or what they are, wouldn't the middle finger be a dead giveaway that it's not the work of a terrorist mastermind? or do people actually believe there are psychopaths that take the time to put polygon-shaped aliens from the moon giving passerbys the middle finger on a black box?
probably the most insulting thing i heard from the boston authorities is the fact that people were scared of it because boston was the place where the 9/11 terrorists got on the planes. to those people who said that on tv, radio, internet, wherever...read this veeeeery carefully: those two guys put up the exact same mooninite boxes in manhattan, and we didn't give a shit. terrorists may have boarded the planes in boston, but they crashed HERE, you stupid mother fuckers. terrorists hit new york, and we know better than to go apeshit over some lights in the shape of cartoon characters. terrorists only leave boston, and you shit your pants when you see the boxes. re-evaluate who has the right to be scared and compare that to how manhattan and boston respectively reacted. what does that say about you, you mother fucking pussies? grow a set of balls and answer that.
today's rant: dick on the bus, originally 2/1/07
do not misread the title. it's not "dick in a box" like the SNL skit, it's "dick on the bus". my school's commuter parking lot is such that it is a good half-mile away from the main campus. therefore, about every 10 minutes, a bus comes to pick people up from the parking lot to be taken to the center of campus. i've come to notice in the mornings that usually, buses are waiting for people. i find that convenient except for the fact that there are already people seated on the bus. this means that i will occasionally arrive in the parking lot with the bus nearly full. this was the case today.
there were only a few seats left, so i made the mistake of sitting next to this prick. he decided to take up about 75% of the bench seat by spreading his legs out. don't get me wrong. i understand the needs for guys to sit with their legs apart. i do it too. women have the advantage of being able to sit comfortably with their legs closed (or so i assume). they don't have anything in the way. when guys put their legs together, it gets very uncomfortable. there's very little room to breathe. things get stuck. it's not a pretty picture. but this douche bag had his ass right in the middle of the seat, legs spread out like he was giving the back of the bench in front of him a personal show. sitting there assessing the situation, i decided "you know what? i'm gonna fuck with this guy."
keep in mind, he's just staring out of the window into oblivion listening to his ipod, not giving a shit about my seating situation. after a while of my right ass cheek hanging off of the seat, i decide to scoot closer to him in the seat. you better believe that when the bus was turning, and the force of the turn pushed me closer to him, i leaned into him a little bit more than i had to. i was already uncomfortable in the seat, and if i had to endure a bit more by sliding my ass against his just to make him uncomfortable too, by god, i'm gonna do it. every time the bus turned right, i made sure to let him know "hey, you brought this on yourself. you were asking for ass-to-ass contact" by nudging closer and closer to him.
childish? probably. gay? just a bit. worth it? oh yeah. in summation, please be courteous to your fellow bus riders. don't be a dick.
there were only a few seats left, so i made the mistake of sitting next to this prick. he decided to take up about 75% of the bench seat by spreading his legs out. don't get me wrong. i understand the needs for guys to sit with their legs apart. i do it too. women have the advantage of being able to sit comfortably with their legs closed (or so i assume). they don't have anything in the way. when guys put their legs together, it gets very uncomfortable. there's very little room to breathe. things get stuck. it's not a pretty picture. but this douche bag had his ass right in the middle of the seat, legs spread out like he was giving the back of the bench in front of him a personal show. sitting there assessing the situation, i decided "you know what? i'm gonna fuck with this guy."
keep in mind, he's just staring out of the window into oblivion listening to his ipod, not giving a shit about my seating situation. after a while of my right ass cheek hanging off of the seat, i decide to scoot closer to him in the seat. you better believe that when the bus was turning, and the force of the turn pushed me closer to him, i leaned into him a little bit more than i had to. i was already uncomfortable in the seat, and if i had to endure a bit more by sliding my ass against his just to make him uncomfortable too, by god, i'm gonna do it. every time the bus turned right, i made sure to let him know "hey, you brought this on yourself. you were asking for ass-to-ass contact" by nudging closer and closer to him.
childish? probably. gay? just a bit. worth it? oh yeah. in summation, please be courteous to your fellow bus riders. don't be a dick.
today's rant: here comes the circus, originally 1/23/07
over the weekend, mr. hilary clinton announced that she was running for pres in '08, and like a pro, she didn't waist any time getting knee high in political bullshit. by political bullshit, i mean dodging questions that require personal opinion about the topic being discussed. last night, she was on ABC news with charlie gibson. i have to give charlie credit for keeping his cool. he was practically begging hilary to give a straight answer, but he stayed professional. honestly, how would you feel if you were trying to communicate with a monkey and all the monkey did was throw its shit in your face? you'd probably either move away or smack the monkey right in the face. he didn't faulter.
gibson asked her if she thought that senator obama would be a good choice for president. i can't even remember clearly what she said because nothing of what she said even came close to a "yes" or "no" answer. he asked her again if she thought he'd be a good president. when he failed to get a real response, he went to a commercial and that was the end of the interview. for all i know, the conversation could've gone like this and yielded the same result:
cg: "do you think senator obama would be a good choice for the presidency?"
hc: "you know, i saw this wonderful picture of a cake in 'martha stewart living' the other day and i've been eager to try the recipe out myself. i always had a knack for cooking deserts, even when my husband served in his two terms"
cg: "but yes or no, do you think senator obama would be a good president?"
hc: "i have a belly button. two plus two is four. i want my baby back baby back baby back baby back ribs. did you see 'family guy' last night?"
cg: "thank you, senator clinton. we'll be right back."
i'm not going to bother watching the state of the union address tonight. i can't take it anymore. i can't look at him with a straight face anymore. it's like looking at that woman in the lipozene commercial. that bitch is such a hideous fucking c.h.u.d. that i hope she gets flesh-eating bacteria to put her out of her misery. instead of watching the stupid speech, i'll be doing something way more productive: playing internet poker. i encourage you not to watch it, too. it's just too tiring to watch. i'll get the basic rundown later.
gibson asked her if she thought that senator obama would be a good choice for president. i can't even remember clearly what she said because nothing of what she said even came close to a "yes" or "no" answer. he asked her again if she thought he'd be a good president. when he failed to get a real response, he went to a commercial and that was the end of the interview. for all i know, the conversation could've gone like this and yielded the same result:
cg: "do you think senator obama would be a good choice for the presidency?"
hc: "you know, i saw this wonderful picture of a cake in 'martha stewart living' the other day and i've been eager to try the recipe out myself. i always had a knack for cooking deserts, even when my husband served in his two terms"
cg: "but yes or no, do you think senator obama would be a good president?"
hc: "i have a belly button. two plus two is four. i want my baby back baby back baby back baby back ribs. did you see 'family guy' last night?"
cg: "thank you, senator clinton. we'll be right back."
i'm not going to bother watching the state of the union address tonight. i can't take it anymore. i can't look at him with a straight face anymore. it's like looking at that woman in the lipozene commercial. that bitch is such a hideous fucking c.h.u.d. that i hope she gets flesh-eating bacteria to put her out of her misery. instead of watching the stupid speech, i'll be doing something way more productive: playing internet poker. i encourage you not to watch it, too. it's just too tiring to watch. i'll get the basic rundown later.
today's rant: why i watch american idol, originally 1/17/07
it's that time of the year again: idol/24 time. time to start guessing who is gonna make an impression on america and to see the absolute worst of human nature. there is little more entertaining than to watch someone consumed by their own false reality and denial that they have no idea how bad they are musically. imagine closing off the psych ward of a hospital and singing to a bunch of people with mental handicaps. of course, you're gonna be the best singer in that room. that doesn't mean that you are that good. i'd have to say that the biggest reason why i watch idol is to see that one moment when their disallusion is finally broken, where they just stare blankly and collect flies in their mouths right before they bawl their little eyes out. those have to be the sweetest tears ever. you ever notice all the coca-cola product placement on the show? part of the advertising deal is that the coca-cola company gets to squeegy up the tears that fall on the ground so that they can put in in the high-fructose corn syrup to make your favorite carbonated beverage. if you don't want to watch idol, you can get the same sensation on the maury show when some lady finds out that the supposed "baby's daddy" isn't the father.
the costumes are another reason. cheerleaders (male and female), michael jackson wannabes, even apollo creed. "dress to impress" takes a slight detour to "dress to confuse the piss outta someone". someone should just go on wearing nothing but a cummerbund around their nipples and a pair of edible panties. boy or girl, i don't care. if you're not gonna wow me vocally, at least make me laugh and question your mental state.
jack bauer should take some of these poor fucks out.
the costumes are another reason. cheerleaders (male and female), michael jackson wannabes, even apollo creed. "dress to impress" takes a slight detour to "dress to confuse the piss outta someone". someone should just go on wearing nothing but a cummerbund around their nipples and a pair of edible panties. boy or girl, i don't care. if you're not gonna wow me vocally, at least make me laugh and question your mental state.
jack bauer should take some of these poor fucks out.
today's rant: creationism museum, originally 1/15/07
a museum is opening in kentucky that gives a "biblically correct" version of history. i'm sorry, but that has "oxymoron" written all over it. here's my opinion on religious stories. they are meant to try to explain what people couldn't understand thousands of years ago. this goes way beyond christianity. i'm not saying religious stories are meaningless. i only go to church on the big 2 holidays, x-mas & easter. however, christianity works for me because of the ideals that can be interpreted, not because of the "facts" that must be taken word-for-word. "love thy neighbor" and all that tolerance stuff is my cup of tea. does that mean that there should be a museum about it? no. if you're going to make a museum about a book, at least make it interesting. why not harry potter? that would be fucking entertaining. yes, i just compared the bible to harry potter.
don't piss off jack bauer
don't piss off jack bauer
today's rant: my ears hurt, originally 1/11/07
did you ever watch v for vendetta? remember near the end where the head chancellor was on TV and everyone watching just shook their heads and stared at him like he had an asshole in the middle of his forehead? that's what i'm feeling right now.
he's said that one mistake of the war was that not enough troops were used at the beginning. whether that's true or not, i don't care. i just think it's amazing that he would actually call it a "mistake". if i ran into him on the street, after i'd slap him in the face, i'd say "uh, george, uh, you should've kept that under wraps." why admit defeat in any form? why did you stop lying to me? it's not interesting anymore. i loved watching you and thinking "i wonder what of he's saying is bullshit." it's no fun anymore when you tell me what your bullshit is.
lewis black has said that he doesn't think we should elect anyone from arkansas president for 100 years. now i think we shouldn't elect born-again christians for another 100 years. don't get me wrong, i have nothing against born-again christians. i just think that the whole "separation of church and state" thing gets skewed when we get a very religious person as a head of state. maybe we should elect charles darwin in 2008. we could put some strings on him and prop him up with a stick like dick clark. even though the stench of his decaying corpse would be horrible, there wouldn't be any faith to get in the way. they'd have to invest heavily in odor eaters, but i wouldn't care.
he's said that one mistake of the war was that not enough troops were used at the beginning. whether that's true or not, i don't care. i just think it's amazing that he would actually call it a "mistake". if i ran into him on the street, after i'd slap him in the face, i'd say "uh, george, uh, you should've kept that under wraps." why admit defeat in any form? why did you stop lying to me? it's not interesting anymore. i loved watching you and thinking "i wonder what of he's saying is bullshit." it's no fun anymore when you tell me what your bullshit is.
lewis black has said that he doesn't think we should elect anyone from arkansas president for 100 years. now i think we shouldn't elect born-again christians for another 100 years. don't get me wrong, i have nothing against born-again christians. i just think that the whole "separation of church and state" thing gets skewed when we get a very religious person as a head of state. maybe we should elect charles darwin in 2008. we could put some strings on him and prop him up with a stick like dick clark. even though the stench of his decaying corpse would be horrible, there wouldn't be any faith to get in the way. they'd have to invest heavily in odor eaters, but i wouldn't care.
today's rant: deaf pussy and his stupid bitch of a mom, originally 1/4/07
i happened to wake up at 8:30 this morning. that's an immediate sign that a bad day is forthcoming. nothing good can come out of waking up that fucking early. you're just waiting for something bad to happen when you're up that early. so, i tried to make the best out of the situation and educate myself as to the events in my area. in comes News 12, all long island news all the time. of course, that doesn't seem feasible. the only reason for their existence is to repeat the same stories every thirty minutes. sometimes it's worse than that. for the past 3 days (144 segments), they've shown video footage of an asshole robbing a house. there's hardly anything else happening on LI, so they remind us just how in danger we are on a constant basis.
this morning, there was a story about a high school freshmen in westbury who is hearing impaired. for the past two days, his high school has not let his helper dog into the school. his mom was on camera talking about how the principal of the high school made him and his dog wait 30 minutes outside in the cold for his interpreter to show up to tell him that his dog wasn't allowed.
first, the obvious: what the fuck does a deaf kid need with a helper dog? he's not blind, he's deaf. what the fuck does having the dog accomplish? does the kid read the dog's lips when it barks? *bark, bark!* "i on't undertand ooo!" does the dog take notes for him? where's the fucking interpreter? it's way fucking easier. his mom argued that the dog can inform the kid if a fire alarm goes off or if there is a siren around. if there's a fire alarm, wouldn't you just follow everyone else? if there's a siren, you see the flashing lights down the street before you ever hear it. if he wants to be alarmed when there's an emergency, just wrap a shock collar around his balls and connect it to the fire alarm. i guarantee, he will be the first fucker out of the building.
next: waiting outside in the "cold" for 30 minutes. i don't know what his mom was smoking this morning, or maybe she was drinking because that makes you colder. it...was...not...cold...today. it has been the warmest day in the past three weeks. i was wearing a tattered zip-up sweatshirt and was sweating by the time i got to work. the worst it could've been this morning is 40. if this kid walks outside in january without a proper coat, he's not only deaf; he is retarded.
don't expect any sympathy, you asshole. you don't need a fucking dog. deal with it, pussy.
this morning, there was a story about a high school freshmen in westbury who is hearing impaired. for the past two days, his high school has not let his helper dog into the school. his mom was on camera talking about how the principal of the high school made him and his dog wait 30 minutes outside in the cold for his interpreter to show up to tell him that his dog wasn't allowed.
first, the obvious: what the fuck does a deaf kid need with a helper dog? he's not blind, he's deaf. what the fuck does having the dog accomplish? does the kid read the dog's lips when it barks? *bark, bark!* "i on't undertand ooo!" does the dog take notes for him? where's the fucking interpreter? it's way fucking easier. his mom argued that the dog can inform the kid if a fire alarm goes off or if there is a siren around. if there's a fire alarm, wouldn't you just follow everyone else? if there's a siren, you see the flashing lights down the street before you ever hear it. if he wants to be alarmed when there's an emergency, just wrap a shock collar around his balls and connect it to the fire alarm. i guarantee, he will be the first fucker out of the building.
next: waiting outside in the "cold" for 30 minutes. i don't know what his mom was smoking this morning, or maybe she was drinking because that makes you colder. it...was...not...cold...today. it has been the warmest day in the past three weeks. i was wearing a tattered zip-up sweatshirt and was sweating by the time i got to work. the worst it could've been this morning is 40. if this kid walks outside in january without a proper coat, he's not only deaf; he is retarded.
don't expect any sympathy, you asshole. you don't need a fucking dog. deal with it, pussy.
today's rant: the downfall of professional wrestling, originally 1/1/07
vince mcmahon is a fucking idiot (for those of you who don't know who he is, he owns WWE, or WWF for those who haven't been watching for the past 4 years). in retrospect, he has spent the past year digging a bigger and bigger shithole for his company. he can't wipe the dead skin off his wrinkly body without dropping a piece of bullshit. the reappearance of DX? the return of ECW? the spirit squad? kevin federline? FUCK!
DX now is not the same as DX back in '97. no fucking way. then again, i don't expect it to be when you have a born again christian and the son-in-law of vince mcmahon trying to live up to the antics that they used to do. however, i don't blame them. HBK is born again, and that's fine with me. i understand why he doesn't do his old stuff anymore. HHH is a dad now and his wife is always watching backstage, fine. i blame vince for not thinking of anything better for them to do. all he is good for is starting rivalries that end in his eventual ass kicking. even though it's fake, it's still the only reason to watch him on TV. other than that, he has no business on TV whatsoever.
ECW, for those of you unfamiliar, stands of "extreme championship wrestling". ideally, all matches are "extreme rules", meaning weapons galore and no disqualifications. why then has there be none in the past 5 weeks besides the elimination chamber? why are there matches that end in disqualifications? how can a no-DQ contest have DQs? what's the point? aaah!...brain melting... their last PPV "december to dismember" was so fucking god awful. the only good match was the tag team match at the beginning of the show. after that, it was one giant pile of shit after another, leading up to the shortest elimination chamber match ever. how can you advertise a weapons-filled cage when you only use 2 weapons? there was a barb-wire wrapped baseball bat that wasn't used at all. it was one of 4 weapons in the entire match, and it wasn't used. come on, use it for something! wipe your ass with it for all i care, just show me a trickle of blood. the last great ECW match was the first hardcore match between RVD and Bob "Hardcore" Holly. fuckin A. and guess what? mcmahon hated it. they both got a standing ovation, and mcmahon thought it was a piece of shit. this helps prove that he has no fucking clue what wrestling fans want. the only smart thing that vince mcmahon has done for ECW was to put CM Punk on the show. at least he knew that when ECW went out of business a few years back, a lot of the fans became ROH fans (ring of honor), where Punk got a lot of his noteriety. they better use him well, or they'll be throwing away another good talent.
john cena. holy fuck. in case you've been living with your head up your ass for the past 2 years, you've noticed that every single one of his matches ends exactly the same. i can give you the rundown right now. shoulder block, clothesline, clothesline, protoplex, 5-knuckle shuffle, pumping of his shoes, FU/STFU. that's pretty much all he does besides that fucked-up fisherman suplex and that new, horrific belly-2-belly suplex. honestly, look back at his old matches. he has been carried by everyone he has stepped into the ring with. i saw his wrestlmania 22 match just now, and his contribution was pathetic. i know that wrestling is fake, but he did absolutely nothing to make the match worth seeing. it was all HHH with the standard cena finish. why is he still champion? because the kids buy his merchandise and they are dumb enough not to see how pathetic he is. he's like an athlete at the special olympics. everyone cheers for him except for those who realize that there's nothing to cheer about. the vast majority of their live audience cheered both times he lost his title and booed when he won at wrestlemania. that's a sign, fucktard.
so they brought back the hardy boyz, thank god, and now their being separated again. yet another stupid move by vinnie mac. for the love of god, they helped reinvent tag team wrestling from '99-2001. the fans want them, but you're too dumb to realize it.
it's a shame that TNA is only on 1 hour a week because they've got some real talent. my only complaint is their new voodoo kin mafia bullshit they're pulling. they can get ratings without having to stoop to that WCW mentality. the wrestlers are better than that. that aside, vince mcmahon should take notes as to how to run his matches. he can definately learn something. for example, AMW vs. AJ Styles & Christopher Daniels (their first match), that is what tag team wrestling should be. i haven't seen anything like that since hart foundation vs. demolition back in the late 80s.
if you're a wrestling fan, and you want a nice experience, go to the indy shows. ROH rolls through here a couple times a year, and i haven't been disappointed yet. why would i be? 3.5 - 4 hour show for $25? walking distance to 2 bars? can't go wrong. plus, you run into the wrestlers in the halls outside the ring. i never knew that i was taller than some of those guys. at first glance, they don't seem that tough. then you see them in the ring, and their flying around like motherfuckers on speed.
happy 2007. hopefully, you're not/weren't in times square this year. i just don't see the need to stand in the same place for 12 hours straight. pay close attention to dick clark. if you look close enough, you can see the strings controlling his arms, maybe even see the shadows of the marionettes. remember, you have 2 weeks to get me a birthday present. if you don't, i'm gonna pull a stephen colbert and put you on notice.
DX now is not the same as DX back in '97. no fucking way. then again, i don't expect it to be when you have a born again christian and the son-in-law of vince mcmahon trying to live up to the antics that they used to do. however, i don't blame them. HBK is born again, and that's fine with me. i understand why he doesn't do his old stuff anymore. HHH is a dad now and his wife is always watching backstage, fine. i blame vince for not thinking of anything better for them to do. all he is good for is starting rivalries that end in his eventual ass kicking. even though it's fake, it's still the only reason to watch him on TV. other than that, he has no business on TV whatsoever.
ECW, for those of you unfamiliar, stands of "extreme championship wrestling". ideally, all matches are "extreme rules", meaning weapons galore and no disqualifications. why then has there be none in the past 5 weeks besides the elimination chamber? why are there matches that end in disqualifications? how can a no-DQ contest have DQs? what's the point? aaah!...brain melting... their last PPV "december to dismember" was so fucking god awful. the only good match was the tag team match at the beginning of the show. after that, it was one giant pile of shit after another, leading up to the shortest elimination chamber match ever. how can you advertise a weapons-filled cage when you only use 2 weapons? there was a barb-wire wrapped baseball bat that wasn't used at all. it was one of 4 weapons in the entire match, and it wasn't used. come on, use it for something! wipe your ass with it for all i care, just show me a trickle of blood. the last great ECW match was the first hardcore match between RVD and Bob "Hardcore" Holly. fuckin A. and guess what? mcmahon hated it. they both got a standing ovation, and mcmahon thought it was a piece of shit. this helps prove that he has no fucking clue what wrestling fans want. the only smart thing that vince mcmahon has done for ECW was to put CM Punk on the show. at least he knew that when ECW went out of business a few years back, a lot of the fans became ROH fans (ring of honor), where Punk got a lot of his noteriety. they better use him well, or they'll be throwing away another good talent.
john cena. holy fuck. in case you've been living with your head up your ass for the past 2 years, you've noticed that every single one of his matches ends exactly the same. i can give you the rundown right now. shoulder block, clothesline, clothesline, protoplex, 5-knuckle shuffle, pumping of his shoes, FU/STFU. that's pretty much all he does besides that fucked-up fisherman suplex and that new, horrific belly-2-belly suplex. honestly, look back at his old matches. he has been carried by everyone he has stepped into the ring with. i saw his wrestlmania 22 match just now, and his contribution was pathetic. i know that wrestling is fake, but he did absolutely nothing to make the match worth seeing. it was all HHH with the standard cena finish. why is he still champion? because the kids buy his merchandise and they are dumb enough not to see how pathetic he is. he's like an athlete at the special olympics. everyone cheers for him except for those who realize that there's nothing to cheer about. the vast majority of their live audience cheered both times he lost his title and booed when he won at wrestlemania. that's a sign, fucktard.
so they brought back the hardy boyz, thank god, and now their being separated again. yet another stupid move by vinnie mac. for the love of god, they helped reinvent tag team wrestling from '99-2001. the fans want them, but you're too dumb to realize it.
it's a shame that TNA is only on 1 hour a week because they've got some real talent. my only complaint is their new voodoo kin mafia bullshit they're pulling. they can get ratings without having to stoop to that WCW mentality. the wrestlers are better than that. that aside, vince mcmahon should take notes as to how to run his matches. he can definately learn something. for example, AMW vs. AJ Styles & Christopher Daniels (their first match), that is what tag team wrestling should be. i haven't seen anything like that since hart foundation vs. demolition back in the late 80s.
if you're a wrestling fan, and you want a nice experience, go to the indy shows. ROH rolls through here a couple times a year, and i haven't been disappointed yet. why would i be? 3.5 - 4 hour show for $25? walking distance to 2 bars? can't go wrong. plus, you run into the wrestlers in the halls outside the ring. i never knew that i was taller than some of those guys. at first glance, they don't seem that tough. then you see them in the ring, and their flying around like motherfuckers on speed.
happy 2007. hopefully, you're not/weren't in times square this year. i just don't see the need to stand in the same place for 12 hours straight. pay close attention to dick clark. if you look close enough, you can see the strings controlling his arms, maybe even see the shadows of the marionettes. remember, you have 2 weeks to get me a birthday present. if you don't, i'm gonna pull a stephen colbert and put you on notice.
today's rant: blackhole, originally 12/30/06
i live in a ripple of space and time, and it is called port jefferson. i'm not even sure i can call it that, despite the fact that it's on all my mail. i live literally 3 blocks away from the border of port jeff and port jeff station. nature's laws seem to be skewed where i am. it's as if whenever i take a piss, the toilet flushes clockwise. that may seem meaningless to you, but as a physics major, that scares the fuck out of me!
first thing's first: the weather. when you see the weather, you're supposed to get the highs and lows of the day. the concept is ok because it preps you for what to expect midday. woohoo! the problem in port jeff is that when i look at the current temperature, sometimes it is lower than the low temperature. how the fuck can the range be 36-48 and the temp be 34? there's something wrong with that! i don't want to have to go outside and think "i wonder if there's gonna be...fuck it's 34!! fucking 2-degree difference! damn you, weather channel!"
next: my cell phone. the entire house that i live in has it's own cell phone dead spots, and i live in one of them. i have to leave my cell phone by my window in order to get 2 bars. when my phone rings, fuck it. can't hear a thing. i might as well be deaf and try sign language through my phone. i have to go outside and find this one spot on the corner of the patio to manage 4 bars. speaking of which, no one should be calling me when it starts snowing. i will kick your ass. no where else do i have this problem, but fuck it. the rent is cheap.
i wonder when the hell i can go back to taco bell. i miss the stomach aches in the morning.
first thing's first: the weather. when you see the weather, you're supposed to get the highs and lows of the day. the concept is ok because it preps you for what to expect midday. woohoo! the problem in port jeff is that when i look at the current temperature, sometimes it is lower than the low temperature. how the fuck can the range be 36-48 and the temp be 34? there's something wrong with that! i don't want to have to go outside and think "i wonder if there's gonna be...fuck it's 34!! fucking 2-degree difference! damn you, weather channel!"
next: my cell phone. the entire house that i live in has it's own cell phone dead spots, and i live in one of them. i have to leave my cell phone by my window in order to get 2 bars. when my phone rings, fuck it. can't hear a thing. i might as well be deaf and try sign language through my phone. i have to go outside and find this one spot on the corner of the patio to manage 4 bars. speaking of which, no one should be calling me when it starts snowing. i will kick your ass. no where else do i have this problem, but fuck it. the rent is cheap.
i wonder when the hell i can go back to taco bell. i miss the stomach aches in the morning.
today's rant: what the fuck is a comptroller?, originally 12/27/06
if anyone reading this is not from new york (assuming any one reads this at all), let me tell you the story of alan hevesi. he is ny state's comptroller. for most people, that doesn't mean jack shit. for me, that means that he's the asshole that signs my paychecks. since i tutor at a state school, technically i'm a state employee. yippie.
anyshitz, this past election, he was involved in a money scandal. he used a part of the state's budget to pay for someone to drive his invalid wife around. yes, he used tax money. when news broke out about this, he got on TV and begged for forgiveness and begged for people to still re-elect him. if he offered me to dress like marilyn monroe and blow marines at $10 a pop, i still wouldn't've voted for him (hey, i used a double contraction!). so election day passed as we all expected, he was....re-elected?! are you fucking kidding me? did all of the old people decide "oh, he's so sorry, i feel bad for him. you can have your job back, mr. alan. roll that mother fucking wife of yours around town. hell, but some rockets on her wheelchair." i still have to see his goddamn insigna on my paychecks? fuck!
oh, the story doesn't stop there, boys and girls. being a smart person, hevesi hired a lawyer to prepare for the legal ramifications of ripping ny state off, but now he's in another scandal. like a person with alzheimer's, he forgot his lesson. he used state tax money to pay for his lawyer. let me sum it up for you. he used taxpayer's money to hire a lawyer because he used taxpayer's money to hire a driver for his wife. *bangs head against the wall* i sincerely hope that the first action that our new governor takes is to fire him before hevesi decides to take his frustrations out by using taxpayer money to pay for a prostitute.
you want to know why new york state has the highest taxes in the country? this asshole.
anyshitz, this past election, he was involved in a money scandal. he used a part of the state's budget to pay for someone to drive his invalid wife around. yes, he used tax money. when news broke out about this, he got on TV and begged for forgiveness and begged for people to still re-elect him. if he offered me to dress like marilyn monroe and blow marines at $10 a pop, i still wouldn't've voted for him (hey, i used a double contraction!). so election day passed as we all expected, he was....re-elected?! are you fucking kidding me? did all of the old people decide "oh, he's so sorry, i feel bad for him. you can have your job back, mr. alan. roll that mother fucking wife of yours around town. hell, but some rockets on her wheelchair." i still have to see his goddamn insigna on my paychecks? fuck!
oh, the story doesn't stop there, boys and girls. being a smart person, hevesi hired a lawyer to prepare for the legal ramifications of ripping ny state off, but now he's in another scandal. like a person with alzheimer's, he forgot his lesson. he used state tax money to pay for his lawyer. let me sum it up for you. he used taxpayer's money to hire a lawyer because he used taxpayer's money to hire a driver for his wife. *bangs head against the wall* i sincerely hope that the first action that our new governor takes is to fire him before hevesi decides to take his frustrations out by using taxpayer money to pay for a prostitute.
you want to know why new york state has the highest taxes in the country? this asshole.
today's rant: satellite radio & sports, originally 12/21/06
sports on the radio is nothing new, and i know that commercial free sports radio has its benefits. however, i feel that the line should be drawn at satellite radio stations that cover sports that are not really sports. 2007 is already tarnished, because they are coming out with NASCAR satellite radio. think about how fucked up this is. you're driving in your car listening to a radio station about people driving in a car. my mind hurts just thinking about it. whose gonna listen to it? chances are that the main target audience, rednecks, is too poor to get satellite radio in their trailer home or pickup truck. good luck with that, assholes.
no, i don't think NASCAR is a sport. here's why: i define a sport as any physical competitive activity in which there is the chance, however remote, that someone can die. can people die in NASCAR? absolutely. is it physically competitive? abso-fucking-lutely NOT!!! if it was, my nickname wouldn't be "lunchbox". golf? yes, someone can die. getting a ball stuck in your skull isn't any fun. bowling? yes, it's physically competitive, and requires many, many 12oz. curls. cheerleading? yes, it can be competitive. otherwise, there would be no need for ESPN2. poker? unfortunately, not.
feel free to argue me against NASCAR not being a sport. i'm just letting you know right now, you're wrong. if you think otherwise, kiss my dick.
no, i don't think NASCAR is a sport. here's why: i define a sport as any physical competitive activity in which there is the chance, however remote, that someone can die. can people die in NASCAR? absolutely. is it physically competitive? abso-fucking-lutely NOT!!! if it was, my nickname wouldn't be "lunchbox". golf? yes, someone can die. getting a ball stuck in your skull isn't any fun. bowling? yes, it's physically competitive, and requires many, many 12oz. curls. cheerleading? yes, it can be competitive. otherwise, there would be no need for ESPN2. poker? unfortunately, not.
feel free to argue me against NASCAR not being a sport. i'm just letting you know right now, you're wrong. if you think otherwise, kiss my dick.
today't rant: universal song lyrics, originally 12/17/06
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today's rant: busy, drama, originally, 12/11/06
i've been too fucking busy lately. i have a lab report due tomorrow, and i only have 2 pages done. i know i traditionally wait til the last minute to do shit like that, but this is different. at this point, i usually have 6-8 pages done and i typically wake up early tuesday to put the finishing touches on it. but recently, i've had no goddamn time. i was so stupid going in to work this weekend, but fuck, i need the money. that's the consequence: if you want money, you have to sacrifice your study time. son of a bitch!
it just hit me last week that i'm gonna turn 23 next month. jesus christ, where the fuck have i been? what sucks is that it's not even a milestone. it just reminds me that i've got another two years before my car insurance rate goes down. yippie. happy happy joy joy.
random thought: i wonder if they have mr. softee trucks in australia. since it's summer down there right about now, would they break out the ice cream trucks?
i'm not a big fan of drama. i'm not talking about the genre of TV and film, i mean real-life drama. i look at it, i laugh a bit, but then i get a twitching sensation in my bunghole when i think about how stupid it all seems from a neutral perspective. case and point, the USG: university student government. they actually have political parties and corruption in the USG. in the past, there have been death threats, acts of vandalism, hostile takeovers, and fights. it looks like a bad MTV show...which is the same as any MTV show. and they wonder why students don't care so much about the USG. let me give you some rough numbers. last year, i think about 2400 or so students voted in student elections. this year, about 160 students voted. if you lose that much fan-base, stop complaining like a little bitch and do something about it. namely: QUIT!!! who gives a flying fuck?! truly, who amongst you is going to look back on this time in your lives and smile without stapling your cheeks back?
if there's only one thing i've been taught that applies to the real world, it's that we as a people function very well without a leader (lewis black). when bill clinton was getting a blow job, he lost all respect as a leader. in that time, the dow jones surpassed 11000. then we got bush trying to act like a leader from 2001 to roughly 2004. in 2004, he started losing respect as a leader. look at the dow jones now: over 12000. please, USG, disband. get a hobby. take up underwater basket weaving, i really don't care. i'm just sick of hearing all the drama in the school papers. you're like a bunch of high school cheerleaders bitching at each other because you stole each others' boyfriends. do yourself a favor: take a step back, change your tampon, and get a fucking life.
it just hit me last week that i'm gonna turn 23 next month. jesus christ, where the fuck have i been? what sucks is that it's not even a milestone. it just reminds me that i've got another two years before my car insurance rate goes down. yippie. happy happy joy joy.
random thought: i wonder if they have mr. softee trucks in australia. since it's summer down there right about now, would they break out the ice cream trucks?
i'm not a big fan of drama. i'm not talking about the genre of TV and film, i mean real-life drama. i look at it, i laugh a bit, but then i get a twitching sensation in my bunghole when i think about how stupid it all seems from a neutral perspective. case and point, the USG: university student government. they actually have political parties and corruption in the USG. in the past, there have been death threats, acts of vandalism, hostile takeovers, and fights. it looks like a bad MTV show...which is the same as any MTV show. and they wonder why students don't care so much about the USG. let me give you some rough numbers. last year, i think about 2400 or so students voted in student elections. this year, about 160 students voted. if you lose that much fan-base, stop complaining like a little bitch and do something about it. namely: QUIT!!! who gives a flying fuck?! truly, who amongst you is going to look back on this time in your lives and smile without stapling your cheeks back?
if there's only one thing i've been taught that applies to the real world, it's that we as a people function very well without a leader (lewis black). when bill clinton was getting a blow job, he lost all respect as a leader. in that time, the dow jones surpassed 11000. then we got bush trying to act like a leader from 2001 to roughly 2004. in 2004, he started losing respect as a leader. look at the dow jones now: over 12000. please, USG, disband. get a hobby. take up underwater basket weaving, i really don't care. i'm just sick of hearing all the drama in the school papers. you're like a bunch of high school cheerleaders bitching at each other because you stole each others' boyfriends. do yourself a favor: take a step back, change your tampon, and get a fucking life.
today's rant: the cold makes people stupid, part 2, originally 12/5/06
i said in my last rant that this one would be worse, so here we go.
"A Canadian man who could not figure out how to deal with his girlfriend's feverish 10-month-old daughter put the baby into a freezer to cool her down, a local newspaper reported on Friday." kids, can you say dee dee dee?
"Derrick Hardy faces charges of criminal negligence and assaulting the infant, who was rescued when her mother came home, the Charlottetown Guardian said. The Canadian Broadcasting Corp. said the mother found the girl crammed into the freezer alongside ice cubes and hamburger meat. Hardy said he had left the door ajar but the mother said it had been closed when she returned." honey, i'm gonna make lasagna tonight, is that o...HOLY SHIT!!!
"He told a court in the eastern province of Prince Edward Island on Thursday the child had only been in the freezer for about 40 seconds. Hardy, 21, who admitted to police that he had no real parenting skills to deal with a sick child, said he had noticed the girl was very hot and put a cool cloth on her face, but this had no effect. He then carried the girl outside into the night air but, frustrated that this also did not work and worried she might drown if placed in a cold bath, he put the baby into the kitchen freezer. She was wearing only an undershirt." i don't give a shit if you have no parenting skills. skin + freezer = bad times for all, fucktard.
"A local doctor said the mother had described her baby as 'crying, sobbing and terrified.' The child spent several days in hospital to recover from first- and second-degree freezer burns on her head and torso. Hardy has pleaded not guilty to the charges. The baby's grandmother now has custody of the girl." if this guy isn't more retarded than the guy who wanted to fine a woman for having a fucking wreath, there is something desperate wrong with the educational standards everywhere.
please, for the love of whatever deity you pray to, wear a hat this winter. don't end up like this poor schmuck.
"A Canadian man who could not figure out how to deal with his girlfriend's feverish 10-month-old daughter put the baby into a freezer to cool her down, a local newspaper reported on Friday." kids, can you say dee dee dee?
"Derrick Hardy faces charges of criminal negligence and assaulting the infant, who was rescued when her mother came home, the Charlottetown Guardian said. The Canadian Broadcasting Corp. said the mother found the girl crammed into the freezer alongside ice cubes and hamburger meat. Hardy said he had left the door ajar but the mother said it had been closed when she returned." honey, i'm gonna make lasagna tonight, is that o...HOLY SHIT!!!
"He told a court in the eastern province of Prince Edward Island on Thursday the child had only been in the freezer for about 40 seconds. Hardy, 21, who admitted to police that he had no real parenting skills to deal with a sick child, said he had noticed the girl was very hot and put a cool cloth on her face, but this had no effect. He then carried the girl outside into the night air but, frustrated that this also did not work and worried she might drown if placed in a cold bath, he put the baby into the kitchen freezer. She was wearing only an undershirt." i don't give a shit if you have no parenting skills. skin + freezer = bad times for all, fucktard.
"A local doctor said the mother had described her baby as 'crying, sobbing and terrified.' The child spent several days in hospital to recover from first- and second-degree freezer burns on her head and torso. Hardy has pleaded not guilty to the charges. The baby's grandmother now has custody of the girl." if this guy isn't more retarded than the guy who wanted to fine a woman for having a fucking wreath, there is something desperate wrong with the educational standards everywhere.
please, for the love of whatever deity you pray to, wear a hat this winter. don't end up like this poor schmuck.
today's rant: the cold makes people stupid, originally 21/1/06
i sincerely believe that the cold weather has a dramatic effect on one's judgment skills. here is why i think it is so. here's an article from the AP.
"A homeowners association in southwestern Colorado has threatened to fine a resident $25 a day until she removes a Christmas wreath with a peace sign that some say is an anti-Iraq war protest or a symbol of Satan." oh yeah, i can clearly see the connection between the peace sign and devil worship. it's a fucking wreath! A WREATH! WREEEEEAAAATH!!!
"Some residents who have complained have children serving in Iraq, said Bob Kearns, president of the Loma Linda Homeowners Association in Pagosa Springs. He said some residents have also believed it was a symbol of Satan. Three or four residents complained, he said." 3 or 4 out of a population of 1600 and change are retarded and pissed off. holy shit, send the police! call batman!
"'Somebody could put up signs that say drop bombs on Iraq. If you let one go up you have to let them all go up,' he said in a telephone interview Sunday." so it's ok to put up multiple signs that say "fuck iraq up the ass with patriot missles, ha ha ha!", but a wreath is out of the goddamn question.
"Lisa Jensen said she wasn't thinking of the war when she hung the wreath. She said, 'Peace is way bigger than not being at war. This is a spiritual thing.' Jensen, a past association president, calculates the fines will cost her about $1,000, and doubts they will be able to make her pay. But she said she's not going to take it down until after Christmas. 'Now that it has come to this I feel I can't get bullied,' she said. 'What if they don't like my Santa Claus.'" i'd personally love to see that santa, probably tripping on x in an all-out, drug-induced orgy with his elves.
"The association in this 200-home subdivision 270 miles southwest of Denver has sent a letter to her saying that residents were offended by the sign and the board 'will not allow signs, flags etc. that can be considered divisive.'" divisive? 4 people out of 1600 is not divisive. 4 people is a group of hecklers at a small concert who had a little too much to drink. unfortunately, one of the hecklers just happens to be fucking the owner of the concert hall.
"The subdivision's rules say no signs, billboards or advertising are permitted without the consent of the architectural control committee. Kearns ordered the committee to require Jensen to remove the wreath, but members refused after concluding that it was merely a seasonal symbol that didn't say anything. Kearns fired all five committee members." how did that conversation go? "it's a wreath." "you're fired." Mr. Bob Kearns, you are a retard. i will drive to colorado and shove a christmas tree so far up your ass, you'll be coughing pine needles until valentine's day.
if you want further proof that the cold messes with people's thoughts, i'll let you have it in my next rant. it's guaranteed to be worse that this asshole.
"A homeowners association in southwestern Colorado has threatened to fine a resident $25 a day until she removes a Christmas wreath with a peace sign that some say is an anti-Iraq war protest or a symbol of Satan." oh yeah, i can clearly see the connection between the peace sign and devil worship. it's a fucking wreath! A WREATH! WREEEEEAAAATH!!!
"Some residents who have complained have children serving in Iraq, said Bob Kearns, president of the Loma Linda Homeowners Association in Pagosa Springs. He said some residents have also believed it was a symbol of Satan. Three or four residents complained, he said." 3 or 4 out of a population of 1600 and change are retarded and pissed off. holy shit, send the police! call batman!
"'Somebody could put up signs that say drop bombs on Iraq. If you let one go up you have to let them all go up,' he said in a telephone interview Sunday." so it's ok to put up multiple signs that say "fuck iraq up the ass with patriot missles, ha ha ha!", but a wreath is out of the goddamn question.
"Lisa Jensen said she wasn't thinking of the war when she hung the wreath. She said, 'Peace is way bigger than not being at war. This is a spiritual thing.' Jensen, a past association president, calculates the fines will cost her about $1,000, and doubts they will be able to make her pay. But she said she's not going to take it down until after Christmas. 'Now that it has come to this I feel I can't get bullied,' she said. 'What if they don't like my Santa Claus.'" i'd personally love to see that santa, probably tripping on x in an all-out, drug-induced orgy with his elves.
"The association in this 200-home subdivision 270 miles southwest of Denver has sent a letter to her saying that residents were offended by the sign and the board 'will not allow signs, flags etc. that can be considered divisive.'" divisive? 4 people out of 1600 is not divisive. 4 people is a group of hecklers at a small concert who had a little too much to drink. unfortunately, one of the hecklers just happens to be fucking the owner of the concert hall.
"The subdivision's rules say no signs, billboards or advertising are permitted without the consent of the architectural control committee. Kearns ordered the committee to require Jensen to remove the wreath, but members refused after concluding that it was merely a seasonal symbol that didn't say anything. Kearns fired all five committee members." how did that conversation go? "it's a wreath." "you're fired." Mr. Bob Kearns, you are a retard. i will drive to colorado and shove a christmas tree so far up your ass, you'll be coughing pine needles until valentine's day.
if you want further proof that the cold messes with people's thoughts, i'll let you have it in my next rant. it's guaranteed to be worse that this asshole.
today's rant: movie theater, megaman, originally 11/27/06
so i was doing a little x-mas shopping yesterfuck and went to compUSA at roosevelt field mall. oddly enough, there was hardly anyone there. i was a little flabberghasted (spelling?) because over the weekend i saw videos on the internet and TV of people walking into stores and pushing each other over to get shit. i'm not talking about accidental shoving. there were literally people standing off to the sides of the store doors pushing people to the ground as they walked past. they did this as if to say "kiss the ground, you midnight shopping whore! get a chiropractor because your back is about to get a mudhole stomped in it."
anyway, in order to get to compUSA, i had to pass a movie theater sign. roosevelt field has two big fucking signs for movie listings: one in the front and one in the back. i went through the back entrance. no, there is no freudian slip. compUSA is in the back of roosevelt field, and that's why i had to use the rear entrance, so fuck you, you pervert! so as i was driving by the movie sign, i read to see what movies were playing since i haven't seen "borat" or "casino royale" yet. when i read the sign, the sign said "look up our movies at moviefone.com for when they are showed". first thing that goes through any sane person's mind is "why?" there are a few reasons to ask why. for one, why build the fucking sign if you're not gonna tell me what movies are playing? for that matter, why build two signs that don't say what movies are playing? why are you going to force me to go home and look online to find out what movies are playing when you can tell me RIGHT FUCKING NOW?!?! that's like going to an LIRR ticket station and looking up the schedule of when the train is coming, but there's a sign that says "go home and find out the train schedule for yourself, asshole. we're not gonna tell you. we're gonna make you drive all the way back home and waste time finding out what time the train is coming. then you're gonna realize that in the time it took to go back home, you missed your train. tough shit." why even bother wasting the letters on the sign to tell me to go home to find out what's playing? why don't you use that time wisely and try to figure out a way for me not to pay $10 a fucking ticket and $6 a soda?
i think they need to come out with a new megaman game soon. not any of the ones like x4, x5, and x6. they need to make them like x3 and back. those fucking rocked. it's awesome watching that little blue fuck turn into a powerhouse of fucked up weapons flying around around like he's on ecstasy. on a side note, has anyone realized that megaman is a blatant ripoff of iron man? the different weapons, the different color armor? anyone? also, what if megaman and samus aran had a kid?
back to the topic. the awesome thing about megaman was that his enemies had the most fucked up weapons. it must be hard for the makers of the game to keep thinking up new weapons because everything has been done already. that, and every animal bad guy had been thought of. the corny thing is that they follow the same format: "weapon"-man or "weapon"-"animal", like gutsman or wire sponge. yes, wire sponge is the name of a megaman bad guy. i don't know what they were thinking when they came up with that one. despite the fact that every good weapon and animal has been thought of already, i've compiled a list of new enemies for megaman to face:
Spam Worm, who attacks megaman with pop-up adds and spyware
Glue Horse, who melts his own hooves down to get megaman in a very sticky situation
Fart Skunk, whose odors can even affect robots
Bong Monkey, just because they two sound funny when put together
Rabies Racoon, because there always has to be a bad guy with alliteration in his name
that's it. i'm starting to stink, so i'm gonna take a shower.
anyway, in order to get to compUSA, i had to pass a movie theater sign. roosevelt field has two big fucking signs for movie listings: one in the front and one in the back. i went through the back entrance. no, there is no freudian slip. compUSA is in the back of roosevelt field, and that's why i had to use the rear entrance, so fuck you, you pervert! so as i was driving by the movie sign, i read to see what movies were playing since i haven't seen "borat" or "casino royale" yet. when i read the sign, the sign said "look up our movies at moviefone.com for when they are showed". first thing that goes through any sane person's mind is "why?" there are a few reasons to ask why. for one, why build the fucking sign if you're not gonna tell me what movies are playing? for that matter, why build two signs that don't say what movies are playing? why are you going to force me to go home and look online to find out what movies are playing when you can tell me RIGHT FUCKING NOW?!?! that's like going to an LIRR ticket station and looking up the schedule of when the train is coming, but there's a sign that says "go home and find out the train schedule for yourself, asshole. we're not gonna tell you. we're gonna make you drive all the way back home and waste time finding out what time the train is coming. then you're gonna realize that in the time it took to go back home, you missed your train. tough shit." why even bother wasting the letters on the sign to tell me to go home to find out what's playing? why don't you use that time wisely and try to figure out a way for me not to pay $10 a fucking ticket and $6 a soda?
i think they need to come out with a new megaman game soon. not any of the ones like x4, x5, and x6. they need to make them like x3 and back. those fucking rocked. it's awesome watching that little blue fuck turn into a powerhouse of fucked up weapons flying around around like he's on ecstasy. on a side note, has anyone realized that megaman is a blatant ripoff of iron man? the different weapons, the different color armor? anyone? also, what if megaman and samus aran had a kid?
back to the topic. the awesome thing about megaman was that his enemies had the most fucked up weapons. it must be hard for the makers of the game to keep thinking up new weapons because everything has been done already. that, and every animal bad guy had been thought of. the corny thing is that they follow the same format: "weapon"-man or "weapon"-"animal", like gutsman or wire sponge. yes, wire sponge is the name of a megaman bad guy. i don't know what they were thinking when they came up with that one. despite the fact that every good weapon and animal has been thought of already, i've compiled a list of new enemies for megaman to face:
Spam Worm, who attacks megaman with pop-up adds and spyware
Glue Horse, who melts his own hooves down to get megaman in a very sticky situation
Fart Skunk, whose odors can even affect robots
Bong Monkey, just because they two sound funny when put together
Rabies Racoon, because there always has to be a bad guy with alliteration in his name
that's it. i'm starting to stink, so i'm gonna take a shower.
today's rant: when bad movies happen to good actors, originally 11/23/06
you can't help but feel sorry for actors who take a gig that smells like a dead fart.
jessica alba, "honey". i just felt sorry for her. i like the fact that i could see her shake it, but i can also see that in "sin city" and be wowwed at the same time.
natalie portman, "phantom menace" and "attack of the clones". one of my personal favorite actresses. for the love of god, she can cry on queue. that's fucking talent. too bad she was placed besides jar jar binks and hayden christensen.
brad pitt, "ocean's twelve". jesus christ, and they're making an "ocean's thirteen". the sequel had absolutely nothing that the first movie had besides the cast members. maybe the author of fight club can write a sequel so we can see tyler durden again.
every actor you can think of, "mars attacks". this might have worked in the 60s, but no. not now. not anytime ever again. i was 12 when this came out and i knew it was a piece of shit.
johnny depp, "once upon a time in mexico". captain jack sparrow + zorro + the green goblin + marv = confusing as hell.
i could go off on bad movies, but there isn't enough caffinee in NY to list down everything. i may be able to do "when good videos happen to bad songs", but i can't think of much besided "toxic" from brit. spears or any video where the chick from black eyed peas is shaking her ass. with those vids, you don't even need to hear the music, just put it on mute and let the imagination go wild.
in other news, it's too fucking cold. you want to know how cold it is? go outside for 2 minutes and try talking without saying "fuck" or "cold" or some synonym of "cold".
jessica alba, "honey". i just felt sorry for her. i like the fact that i could see her shake it, but i can also see that in "sin city" and be wowwed at the same time.
natalie portman, "phantom menace" and "attack of the clones". one of my personal favorite actresses. for the love of god, she can cry on queue. that's fucking talent. too bad she was placed besides jar jar binks and hayden christensen.
brad pitt, "ocean's twelve". jesus christ, and they're making an "ocean's thirteen". the sequel had absolutely nothing that the first movie had besides the cast members. maybe the author of fight club can write a sequel so we can see tyler durden again.
every actor you can think of, "mars attacks". this might have worked in the 60s, but no. not now. not anytime ever again. i was 12 when this came out and i knew it was a piece of shit.
johnny depp, "once upon a time in mexico". captain jack sparrow + zorro + the green goblin + marv = confusing as hell.
i could go off on bad movies, but there isn't enough caffinee in NY to list down everything. i may be able to do "when good videos happen to bad songs", but i can't think of much besided "toxic" from brit. spears or any video where the chick from black eyed peas is shaking her ass. with those vids, you don't even need to hear the music, just put it on mute and let the imagination go wild.
in other news, it's too fucking cold. you want to know how cold it is? go outside for 2 minutes and try talking without saying "fuck" or "cold" or some synonym of "cold".
today's rant: hiccups, originally 11/20/06
you know what sucks? hiccups. from what i've seen, it varies from one person to another, but when it happens to me, i'm totally fucked. mine get so bad that it actually hurts. it hurts to the point where i want to take a sledgehammer and just wail away at my mid-section. even worse...my hiccups last for days on end. it's like having a period without the blood. when i have the hiccups, don't fucking talk to me, because anything that comes out of my mouth is incoherent. i've had them since yesterday and i know that they aren't going away until tuesday at least. just in time for them to return at thanksgiving dinner.
from what i understand, many people don't know what the hiccups are or where they come from. well, i'm related to two registered nurses, and the secret has been passed on to the family. here's what happens. if you masturbate too hard or masturbate excessively (5 or so times daily) and your breathing so hard that you accidentally skip a breath or breathe at the wrong time, you get the hiccups. seriously, think about. where do you feel the hiccups? in the diaphram area, right between your lungs and your cash & prizes. there's an energy exchange between the two organs, and that energy goes through the diaphragm. when one of those is out of sync with the other, then the energy exchange gets fucked up and seriously messes with your diaphragm, causing it to spasm. therefore, if you want to stop the hiccups, stop masturbating. and yes, that's why i have the hiccups for 3-5 days on end.
anyfuck, happy turkey day. if you're vegetarian, happy tofurkey day.
from what i understand, many people don't know what the hiccups are or where they come from. well, i'm related to two registered nurses, and the secret has been passed on to the family. here's what happens. if you masturbate too hard or masturbate excessively (5 or so times daily) and your breathing so hard that you accidentally skip a breath or breathe at the wrong time, you get the hiccups. seriously, think about. where do you feel the hiccups? in the diaphram area, right between your lungs and your cash & prizes. there's an energy exchange between the two organs, and that energy goes through the diaphragm. when one of those is out of sync with the other, then the energy exchange gets fucked up and seriously messes with your diaphragm, causing it to spasm. therefore, if you want to stop the hiccups, stop masturbating. and yes, that's why i have the hiccups for 3-5 days on end.
anyfuck, happy turkey day. if you're vegetarian, happy tofurkey day.
today's rant: coma, originally 11/15/06
i'm watching "house". they woke this guy up from a 10 year coma in order to get his info on family health history because his son is dying. how do you get this guy caught up on the past 10 years? the pertinent info seems really bleek.
"hey, how ya doing? what? what's gone on in the past ten years? mmm, let's see...uh, george bush's son is president. apparently election day was 4:20 day. the choice was 'strategery' or 'lockbox' and we chose 'strategery'. what else...oh yeah. iraq is the new vietnam.
clinton got a blow job. his wife wants to be president now. gasoline is fucked up. oh yeah, i forgot. the world trade center is gone. we didn't like it anymore, so we're gonna build just one building there instead. you didn't invest in enron, did you? you did? damn.
michael jackson diddled another kid. he looks like latoya jackson now. new jersey is still new york's asshole. coke now comes in a 1.5L bottle. no matter what you hear, marilyn manson is not a woman. besides biggie, tupac is also dead. puff daddy no longer exists. he is now diddy. everyone got to see janet jackson's right boob a few years back. darth vader cried like a baby when his wife died. guess what? you're wife is dead, too!"
"hey, how ya doing? what? what's gone on in the past ten years? mmm, let's see...uh, george bush's son is president. apparently election day was 4:20 day. the choice was 'strategery' or 'lockbox' and we chose 'strategery'. what else...oh yeah. iraq is the new vietnam.
clinton got a blow job. his wife wants to be president now. gasoline is fucked up. oh yeah, i forgot. the world trade center is gone. we didn't like it anymore, so we're gonna build just one building there instead. you didn't invest in enron, did you? you did? damn.
michael jackson diddled another kid. he looks like latoya jackson now. new jersey is still new york's asshole. coke now comes in a 1.5L bottle. no matter what you hear, marilyn manson is not a woman. besides biggie, tupac is also dead. puff daddy no longer exists. he is now diddy. everyone got to see janet jackson's right boob a few years back. darth vader cried like a baby when his wife died. guess what? you're wife is dead, too!"
today's rant: stream of consciousness, originally 11/11/06
a stream of consciousness is when someone writes down the first things that come to mind. let's give it a shot, shall we?
nancy grace is still a self-righteous bitch. why the fuck was it so cold last week but warmer this week? i need to play more video games. chili's baby back ribs...bar-b-que sauce. holy shit...my cough is gone. now i just jinxed it, fuck.
i miss my laptop. this laptop sucks. hear me, james? your laptop sucks shit. can't even watch a divx movie file on this piece of shit. so much fuckin spyware and viruses. what the fuck did you do to this thing, give it an STD? internet porn does not mean you have sex with the computer. i'm sorry you had to learn that the hard way. my laptop is broken because the prong in the power socket in the back snapped. if someone offers you an extended warranty on a laptop...for the love of cookies, take it. when it expires, just buy another one. beats the hell out of coughing up another $1000 for a new laptop. why the fuck do cars get more and more expensive? technology is supposed to get cheaper as it improves. not cars, oh no. $90/hr for repairs? 300 for a plastic fuel pump? i better get a blow job out of the deal.
i love berries in dessert. fuckin awesome. smoothies, shakes, ice cream, cheesecake, pie, cake, the list goes on and on. put some chocolate in the mix, i could blow a fruity, chocolatey load (dane cook reference). where does stony brook get off charging over $4 for a container of fruit? vince mcmahon is a dick. he is a flaccid, 60-year-old dick.
occasionally when i'm hired to give out cotton candy and kids piss me off, i think about sticking the cotton candy in their hair. i don't mean shoving it in their hair. i want to just lightly graze their head with the cotton candy. why? because when they reach back to feel what's going on, they push it in their hair themselves. that way, their hands are stuck to their head. i'd love to watch them cry while they inadvertently pull their hair out of their head. like the saying goes, the best things in life are free.
whoever invented dental floss was one sadistic fuck. the fall sucks. quiznos is too fucking expensive. for a 12" sub, prices range from $8.50 to $10. at subway, a 12" sub is $5.50. quiznos' justification is that they put in more meat. steaming pile of boiling bullshit. the meat portions are the same and the bread is smaller. it's an optical illusion. you know what else is an optical illusion? michael jackson's penis. at least i guess it is...
weekend TV sucks. movies all day on cable with the words and scenes butchered worse than tara reid's tits (i'm no plastic surgeon, but i thought nipples were supposed to be round). the only thing half-worth seeing is SNL and football.
nancy grace is still a self-righteous bitch. why the fuck was it so cold last week but warmer this week? i need to play more video games. chili's baby back ribs...bar-b-que sauce. holy shit...my cough is gone. now i just jinxed it, fuck.
i miss my laptop. this laptop sucks. hear me, james? your laptop sucks shit. can't even watch a divx movie file on this piece of shit. so much fuckin spyware and viruses. what the fuck did you do to this thing, give it an STD? internet porn does not mean you have sex with the computer. i'm sorry you had to learn that the hard way. my laptop is broken because the prong in the power socket in the back snapped. if someone offers you an extended warranty on a laptop...for the love of cookies, take it. when it expires, just buy another one. beats the hell out of coughing up another $1000 for a new laptop. why the fuck do cars get more and more expensive? technology is supposed to get cheaper as it improves. not cars, oh no. $90/hr for repairs? 300 for a plastic fuel pump? i better get a blow job out of the deal.
i love berries in dessert. fuckin awesome. smoothies, shakes, ice cream, cheesecake, pie, cake, the list goes on and on. put some chocolate in the mix, i could blow a fruity, chocolatey load (dane cook reference). where does stony brook get off charging over $4 for a container of fruit? vince mcmahon is a dick. he is a flaccid, 60-year-old dick.
occasionally when i'm hired to give out cotton candy and kids piss me off, i think about sticking the cotton candy in their hair. i don't mean shoving it in their hair. i want to just lightly graze their head with the cotton candy. why? because when they reach back to feel what's going on, they push it in their hair themselves. that way, their hands are stuck to their head. i'd love to watch them cry while they inadvertently pull their hair out of their head. like the saying goes, the best things in life are free.
whoever invented dental floss was one sadistic fuck. the fall sucks. quiznos is too fucking expensive. for a 12" sub, prices range from $8.50 to $10. at subway, a 12" sub is $5.50. quiznos' justification is that they put in more meat. steaming pile of boiling bullshit. the meat portions are the same and the bread is smaller. it's an optical illusion. you know what else is an optical illusion? michael jackson's penis. at least i guess it is...
weekend TV sucks. movies all day on cable with the words and scenes butchered worse than tara reid's tits (i'm no plastic surgeon, but i thought nipples were supposed to be round). the only thing half-worth seeing is SNL and football.
today's rant: double standard, vote or die, originally 11/6/06
there is an injustice going on right now and i don't think anyone around me is aware of it. of course, i'm referring to the fact that i don't have the day off for election day. what the fuck? how the hell to my professors expect me to fulfill my democratic duty of voting my ass off if i have to focus on crap like "nuclear half-life" and "media misrepresentations"?
in high school, not only did we get the day off on election day, but we got the day before off also. it was teacher conference day. now, i don't expect my mom to drive 45 miles to talk to my professors today, but goddamnit, it's my right to sleep until 3pm tomorrow, vote, then go back to sleep. what's even better is that i already voted. with absentee ballots, i don't even have to crawl out of bed. i could just set up a cooler with some cereal, milk, and beer next to my bed and play sudoku all day. this double standard between high schools getting election day off and not colleges must be rectified.
i'm sincerely happy that there isn't anymore "vote or die" bullshit going on. that was about as effective as using a sock as a condom. guess what, diddy-diddlez...we voted, we lost, we didn't die. you obvious implied to vote bush out of office otherwise we'd die. the fact that we voted just made us lose by less. bush is still in office and i'm not dead. keep out of politics and go make another crappy band, rip off another song, or maybe you can try something original and make an album all by yourself, no compilations.
i saw this campaign commercial for some new jersey guy named kean. at the end of the commercial, he and his family say "i approve this message". dude, if you have a five-year-old girl approving a political message for you, you're either psychotic or michael jackson.
anyhow, i'm looking forward to seeing a new signature on my pay checks since it seems hevesi is on his way out. that's the only reason i voted against him: i think he has a sucky signature. i didn't even know he spent tax money on a driver for his wife. now i feel further justified. REMEMBER FOLKS, get a case of beer for the "election day drinking game". look back a few months in my rants for the rules of mine or make up your own.
in high school, not only did we get the day off on election day, but we got the day before off also. it was teacher conference day. now, i don't expect my mom to drive 45 miles to talk to my professors today, but goddamnit, it's my right to sleep until 3pm tomorrow, vote, then go back to sleep. what's even better is that i already voted. with absentee ballots, i don't even have to crawl out of bed. i could just set up a cooler with some cereal, milk, and beer next to my bed and play sudoku all day. this double standard between high schools getting election day off and not colleges must be rectified.
i'm sincerely happy that there isn't anymore "vote or die" bullshit going on. that was about as effective as using a sock as a condom. guess what, diddy-diddlez...we voted, we lost, we didn't die. you obvious implied to vote bush out of office otherwise we'd die. the fact that we voted just made us lose by less. bush is still in office and i'm not dead. keep out of politics and go make another crappy band, rip off another song, or maybe you can try something original and make an album all by yourself, no compilations.
i saw this campaign commercial for some new jersey guy named kean. at the end of the commercial, he and his family say "i approve this message". dude, if you have a five-year-old girl approving a political message for you, you're either psychotic or michael jackson.
anyhow, i'm looking forward to seeing a new signature on my pay checks since it seems hevesi is on his way out. that's the only reason i voted against him: i think he has a sucky signature. i didn't even know he spent tax money on a driver for his wife. now i feel further justified. REMEMBER FOLKS, get a case of beer for the "election day drinking game". look back a few months in my rants for the rules of mine or make up your own.
today's rant: holidays, originally 11/4/06
halloween has come and gone. fortunately for me, i was out all day, so i didn't have to be exposed to kids asking for candy. i was kinda stunned as i pulled into SB's south parking lot on that day. as i was parking, another car came from the opposite direction. i could've sworn that the driver was dressed up in black face. for those of you that don't know, black face was the type of make-up used for old minstrel shows. basically, any stereotype you've ever heard about black people stressed to its extreme. for further information, see spike lee's movie "bamboozled". anyways, i turned into the next row of cars and there he was again, driving in the opposite direction. i got a better look, and he was actually in "brown face" wearing a red winter hat. i think that guy was very lucky that there weren't any black people at the bus stop at that time, or else he would've been in deep shit.
the rest of the day consisted of watching "halloween" movies on tv, going to class, watching more "halloween" movies, then going to see saw III. in my experience, there are three kinds of scary movies: the ones that make you flinch (for ex., the original texas chainsaw massacre), the ones that make you laugh (for ex., "the leprechaun", and the ones that make absolutely no sense (for ex., "halloween 3: season of the witch"). i sincerely hope no one reading this ever has the opportunity to see halloween 3. if you had the choice of getting kicked in the balls or seeing that movie, take the shot in the nutsack. it really does hurt less. this is what the movie is about, without giving away any plot (because there is none): snakes, masks, microchips, androids, and stone henge. it also has the worst "bad guy's final scare" scene i've ever seen. nothing about it is right. the guy finds out someone is an android, so he knocks its head off. he gets back into his car, then the android's severed arm starts choking him. he pulls it off, calms down, then the decapitated android goes after him again only to fall down. that's it.
now we can look toward thanksgiving, the day in which we give thanks for the beginning of christmas shopping. i can't help but think back at my childhood and what i was told about the first thanksgiving. goddamn, what a crock of shit. i would love to just walk in to a kindergarten class and just look at the kids faces in utter disillusion at some of the facts of how our country was settled. "ok, all the kids wearing feathers go in this side of the room. now all the kids with pilgrim hats on this side. ok. kids with feathers, you all die. just lay down like it was nap time."
then the best holiday of the entire year, christmahanukkwanzaka! odd thing is that it feels like it already. this weather we've been having is fucked up. 70 on halloween, 40 yesterday. what's going on? even worse, my heat in my apartment is actually too hot. every night, i have to wake up and open the window. then i'm freezing my ass off, so i have to close it. then i'm sweating like a dog in heat and i have to open it up again, it's bullshit! all the more reason to take nyquil. if i'm passed out, i won't have to care about the temperature. i wouldn't be surprised if we see snow this month.
i'm dearly looking forward to the end of these goddamn campaign commercials. got nothing to do this election day? grab a case of beer and a few bottles of your favorite hard alcohol, look back a few months, and check out my "election day drinking game". the rules aren't set in stone, so you can change them around as you see fit. until next time, *low jigsaw voice* game over.
11/9, update:
the guy in "brown face" that i mentioned, i just realized. he was being "tyrone biggens" from "chappelle's show". kinda funny, but still kinda tasteless.
the rest of the day consisted of watching "halloween" movies on tv, going to class, watching more "halloween" movies, then going to see saw III. in my experience, there are three kinds of scary movies: the ones that make you flinch (for ex., the original texas chainsaw massacre), the ones that make you laugh (for ex., "the leprechaun", and the ones that make absolutely no sense (for ex., "halloween 3: season of the witch"). i sincerely hope no one reading this ever has the opportunity to see halloween 3. if you had the choice of getting kicked in the balls or seeing that movie, take the shot in the nutsack. it really does hurt less. this is what the movie is about, without giving away any plot (because there is none): snakes, masks, microchips, androids, and stone henge. it also has the worst "bad guy's final scare" scene i've ever seen. nothing about it is right. the guy finds out someone is an android, so he knocks its head off. he gets back into his car, then the android's severed arm starts choking him. he pulls it off, calms down, then the decapitated android goes after him again only to fall down. that's it.
now we can look toward thanksgiving, the day in which we give thanks for the beginning of christmas shopping. i can't help but think back at my childhood and what i was told about the first thanksgiving. goddamn, what a crock of shit. i would love to just walk in to a kindergarten class and just look at the kids faces in utter disillusion at some of the facts of how our country was settled. "ok, all the kids wearing feathers go in this side of the room. now all the kids with pilgrim hats on this side. ok. kids with feathers, you all die. just lay down like it was nap time."
then the best holiday of the entire year, christmahanukkwanzaka! odd thing is that it feels like it already. this weather we've been having is fucked up. 70 on halloween, 40 yesterday. what's going on? even worse, my heat in my apartment is actually too hot. every night, i have to wake up and open the window. then i'm freezing my ass off, so i have to close it. then i'm sweating like a dog in heat and i have to open it up again, it's bullshit! all the more reason to take nyquil. if i'm passed out, i won't have to care about the temperature. i wouldn't be surprised if we see snow this month.
i'm dearly looking forward to the end of these goddamn campaign commercials. got nothing to do this election day? grab a case of beer and a few bottles of your favorite hard alcohol, look back a few months, and check out my "election day drinking game". the rules aren't set in stone, so you can change them around as you see fit. until next time, *low jigsaw voice* game over.
11/9, update:
the guy in "brown face" that i mentioned, i just realized. he was being "tyrone biggens" from "chappelle's show". kinda funny, but still kinda tasteless.
today's rant: sick, republican, originally 10/28/06
i think i'm slowly going crazy. it's been at least a week since my last one of these things. for some reason i haven't been able to find the time to do this shit. i guess i'll start off with what's going on lately.
there's a 50/50 chance i have strep throat, so for the love of god, stay the fuck away from me. it sucks royally. aside from the pain of swallowing, i can't sleep. headaches are on and off and my body can't decide what temperature to be. i'll be in bed and i'll start sweating my ass off, so i wake up and turn on the fan. then i'm freezing, so i move the fan away. then i'm sweating my ass off again. thursday night, i slept for about 3 hours. my solution is simple...nyquil. that's the first thing i'm getting when i get out the door today. not only will i stop the dry, hacking cough, but i'll finally be able to get some fucking sleep.
on a side note, i've come to a realization. if you have a cough/sore throat, and you have to choose between halls or a big pack of generic cough drops for a buck fifty, go with the halls. they can't be beat. if you don't have either, go to carvel. a sore throat is the perfect excuse to buy soft serve ice cream.
new topic: election day in a week and a half. i'll admit this...i'm a registered republican. please, let me explain. it was 2002 and we were about to go to war. i thought it was a good idea at the time. i still can't get the image of smoke out of my head when i looked westward on that fateful tuesday. but everything that has happened afterward has been one disappointment after another. the reason behind the fuck-ups is simple: historically, republicans have never been able to keep their religion and faith out of politics.
GWB has been in a 3-way with politics and religion for the past 5 years. on the issues of gay marriage and stem cell research, he has let his faith dictate US policy. the ironic thing is that he isn't that far off from religious nutheads, including the people he's gone to war with. think about it: he lets his understanding of faith dictate his actions...they let their understanding of faith dictate their actions. guess it takes one to know one.
had the privilege of singing with the high c's and opening up for slapdash graduate last night in smithtown. hard to believe only 5 guys can sound like that. kudos. gazzo, you beast.
there's a 50/50 chance i have strep throat, so for the love of god, stay the fuck away from me. it sucks royally. aside from the pain of swallowing, i can't sleep. headaches are on and off and my body can't decide what temperature to be. i'll be in bed and i'll start sweating my ass off, so i wake up and turn on the fan. then i'm freezing, so i move the fan away. then i'm sweating my ass off again. thursday night, i slept for about 3 hours. my solution is simple...nyquil. that's the first thing i'm getting when i get out the door today. not only will i stop the dry, hacking cough, but i'll finally be able to get some fucking sleep.
on a side note, i've come to a realization. if you have a cough/sore throat, and you have to choose between halls or a big pack of generic cough drops for a buck fifty, go with the halls. they can't be beat. if you don't have either, go to carvel. a sore throat is the perfect excuse to buy soft serve ice cream.
new topic: election day in a week and a half. i'll admit this...i'm a registered republican. please, let me explain. it was 2002 and we were about to go to war. i thought it was a good idea at the time. i still can't get the image of smoke out of my head when i looked westward on that fateful tuesday. but everything that has happened afterward has been one disappointment after another. the reason behind the fuck-ups is simple: historically, republicans have never been able to keep their religion and faith out of politics.
GWB has been in a 3-way with politics and religion for the past 5 years. on the issues of gay marriage and stem cell research, he has let his faith dictate US policy. the ironic thing is that he isn't that far off from religious nutheads, including the people he's gone to war with. think about it: he lets his understanding of faith dictate his actions...they let their understanding of faith dictate their actions. guess it takes one to know one.
had the privilege of singing with the high c's and opening up for slapdash graduate last night in smithtown. hard to believe only 5 guys can sound like that. kudos. gazzo, you beast.
today's rant: MTV, again, originally 10/19/06
in a past rant, i talked about how i don't watch mtv anymore. there's just no point. i got sick of endless and meaningless real world/road rules challenges, dating shows, and making the bands. hey diddy, or whatever the fuck your name is, i've just two things to say about making the band 3, and they are as follows: making the band 1 and making the band 2. you'll see them in twenty years on that goddamn e! channel on one of those (also meaningless and endless) "where are they now" cloned tv shows.
unfortunately, i still want to find out news about bands i like. so i thought that going to mtv's website would be an ok option. goddamn, what a moron i am. recently they've "updated" their website, and i have never seen such a waste of bandwidth in my entire life.
first thing that pops up is a 30 second toothpaste commercial. their main picture is of their show "laguna beach". what the fuck is that supposed to be about? from what i understand, it's a teenage version of "real world" with rich snobby white kids. that's just what america's youth needs to see. the picture next to it is of a football show. a football show? how did that idea leave the conference room? what expert in media studies and production went in to the meeting and said "you know what? i got this great idea for a show on mtv. we go to a high school and we film the football players."? one guy at the meeting probably said "can we put some music in the show", and the expert said "you're fired!"
mtv overdrive = biggest piece of internet garbage since the numa numa video. put simply, it doesn't work. i don't care what internet connection you have, it doesn't work. i'm running a cable modem, and any kind of video i want to watch takes at least 5 minutes to load. there's a loading page, then there's 10 seconds of an "mtv overdrive" video, then there's another loading page, then there's and advertisement, then another loading page, then a license download page, then another loading page, then a bandwidth selection page, then another loading page, and if you haven't stabbed yourself in the genitals with a pair of scissors by the time you've passed all this, there may be a music video in your future.
i'd like to organize a group of people to take the LIRR with me to 1515 broadway in manhattan, stand outside the mtv building, home of some of the worse tv programming ever conceived by retards, and just piss on the doors. then we can take the subway downtown to mcsorley's pub, get royally drunk, get back uptown, and go across the street from mtv and piss on the doors of the vh1 building. on the way back to penn station, we can swing by fuse and watch some actual music videos. who's with me?
unfortunately, i still want to find out news about bands i like. so i thought that going to mtv's website would be an ok option. goddamn, what a moron i am. recently they've "updated" their website, and i have never seen such a waste of bandwidth in my entire life.
first thing that pops up is a 30 second toothpaste commercial. their main picture is of their show "laguna beach". what the fuck is that supposed to be about? from what i understand, it's a teenage version of "real world" with rich snobby white kids. that's just what america's youth needs to see. the picture next to it is of a football show. a football show? how did that idea leave the conference room? what expert in media studies and production went in to the meeting and said "you know what? i got this great idea for a show on mtv. we go to a high school and we film the football players."? one guy at the meeting probably said "can we put some music in the show", and the expert said "you're fired!"
mtv overdrive = biggest piece of internet garbage since the numa numa video. put simply, it doesn't work. i don't care what internet connection you have, it doesn't work. i'm running a cable modem, and any kind of video i want to watch takes at least 5 minutes to load. there's a loading page, then there's 10 seconds of an "mtv overdrive" video, then there's another loading page, then there's and advertisement, then another loading page, then a license download page, then another loading page, then a bandwidth selection page, then another loading page, and if you haven't stabbed yourself in the genitals with a pair of scissors by the time you've passed all this, there may be a music video in your future.
i'd like to organize a group of people to take the LIRR with me to 1515 broadway in manhattan, stand outside the mtv building, home of some of the worse tv programming ever conceived by retards, and just piss on the doors. then we can take the subway downtown to mcsorley's pub, get royally drunk, get back uptown, and go across the street from mtv and piss on the doors of the vh1 building. on the way back to penn station, we can swing by fuse and watch some actual music videos. who's with me?
today's rant: the coca-cola conspiracy, originally 10/12/06
ok, finally. for me, it all started when the coke machine on the bottom floor of the social & behavioral science building broke. by broke, i mean that soda bottles were up against the glass/plastic force field falling off the shelves. then, it progressed with folded pieces of paper shoved up the dollar bill slots of all coke machines in that building. you could only get soda by using change. that's when someone told me that someone is protesting coke being on campus. at that point, i thought "who are they to prevent me from drinking empty calories? those dickfucks!"
then, i read in the stony brook press that some indian chick came to stony brook to talk about how the coke company is killing her country or something like that. the paper says that the allegations against coke is that they take up "250,000 gallons of water per day from local water sources in order to make their products. Since 70 % of India's people rely on agriculture to make a living, water is a necessity on multiple levels." Also, "[t]he poisoned wastewater from these Coca-Cola plants is indiscriminately disposed of into the surrounding community." then, there are the "human-rights violations" in south america, including death threats, murder, and abductions. however, the writer later says the coke company "is fully aware of these practices by their business partners and does nothing to discourage it." WHO GIVES A SHIT?! they are not in charge of their "business partners", so your entire argument is flawed.
then, there's the economic part of the argument, wanting to get pepsi in on this. "We must demand a choice". what other choices are there? pepsi? that stuff tastes like shit! rc cola?! that stuff tastes like puke AND shit! i bet that if pepsi was exclusively at stony brook, people would complain for the same shit reasons.
there is also a facebook group dedicated to this boycott. apparently, they are protesting tonight outside the student activities center, or the SAC for those who love contractions. like it's any surprise that stony brook's SAC is the center of trouble on this campus (yes, that was meant to be a pun). one claim that they make is "the Coca-Cola Company struggles to make us 'consumers for life', and one of the ways they can achieve this is through our university". too late, fucktard. i was addicted to coke long before i came to college. i don't care! it's cheaper than water! 99 cents for a 2-liter bottle! where are you going to get water for that price? forget the coke company, go after the water companies who sell bottled water for $1 for a half-liter. they're the ones who are stealing our money and want us to be customer's for life!
here's my problem with all this bullshit. who gives a fuck about india and south america? if it's gotten to the point where college students from different countries need to advocate for those countries, then they're more fucked up then we are and they deserve to have shitty tasting water. give them some coke, it'll refresh them in no time. what's more, our coke doesn't even come from there. we get our coke from queens! and every time i pass by the bottling plant when i drive on the LIE, i look at it and i get a hard-on.
fucking hippies, go to hell!
then, i read in the stony brook press that some indian chick came to stony brook to talk about how the coke company is killing her country or something like that. the paper says that the allegations against coke is that they take up "250,000 gallons of water per day from local water sources in order to make their products. Since 70 % of India's people rely on agriculture to make a living, water is a necessity on multiple levels." Also, "[t]he poisoned wastewater from these Coca-Cola plants is indiscriminately disposed of into the surrounding community." then, there are the "human-rights violations" in south america, including death threats, murder, and abductions. however, the writer later says the coke company "is fully aware of these practices by their business partners and does nothing to discourage it." WHO GIVES A SHIT?! they are not in charge of their "business partners", so your entire argument is flawed.
then, there's the economic part of the argument, wanting to get pepsi in on this. "We must demand a choice". what other choices are there? pepsi? that stuff tastes like shit! rc cola?! that stuff tastes like puke AND shit! i bet that if pepsi was exclusively at stony brook, people would complain for the same shit reasons.
there is also a facebook group dedicated to this boycott. apparently, they are protesting tonight outside the student activities center, or the SAC for those who love contractions. like it's any surprise that stony brook's SAC is the center of trouble on this campus (yes, that was meant to be a pun). one claim that they make is "the Coca-Cola Company struggles to make us 'consumers for life', and one of the ways they can achieve this is through our university". too late, fucktard. i was addicted to coke long before i came to college. i don't care! it's cheaper than water! 99 cents for a 2-liter bottle! where are you going to get water for that price? forget the coke company, go after the water companies who sell bottled water for $1 for a half-liter. they're the ones who are stealing our money and want us to be customer's for life!
here's my problem with all this bullshit. who gives a fuck about india and south america? if it's gotten to the point where college students from different countries need to advocate for those countries, then they're more fucked up then we are and they deserve to have shitty tasting water. give them some coke, it'll refresh them in no time. what's more, our coke doesn't even come from there. we get our coke from queens! and every time i pass by the bottling plant when i drive on the LIE, i look at it and i get a hard-on.
fucking hippies, go to hell!
today's rant: news outside the US, originally 10/4/06
i recently heard that there was a manhunt for a polish man who is wanted by police for failure to appear at court. he was supposed to go to court because he was arrested for farting in response to being asked about how he felt about the polish president. i'm guessing the conversation went like this: cops, "show some respect for our president!", man, *pppfffft!*. this got me thinking of what else is going on outside the U.S. that is considered news. here's what i've found so far.
in the yunnan province in china, a fight broke out at the chinese "ethnic minority games". it is a national competition held every year to promote unity in china. such events include blow-pipe darts and horse riding (i'll let you come to your own conclusions about that). anyway, after the women's dragon-boat race, other competitors "complained of 'big women with Adam's apples'". it was then found out that many of those boat racers were men in drag. there was also mention of two rival teams brawling after a wrestling match that resulted in one of the teams being chased away by a local gang wielding knives and sticks called by the other team. "Coaches blamed the unruly scenes on the pressures of having career advancement linked to results." yeah. who doesn't want dragon-boat racing or blow-pipe darts on their resume? the title of the article: "Ethnic Games Tainted by Cross-Dressing Cheats". apparently, a gang-related fight isn't more scandalous than guys wearing wigs wanting to win a boat race.
in india, an elementary school principle has started a program to wean his students and faculty off of alcohol. he said "When I took over I found the children were slow to react and learn." give them a break, it's 9 in the morning. give 'em a few hours and they'll perk right up. they might need a little coffee, but they'll perk right up. his solution: make an honor role for kids that abstain from alcohol. and we're wondering why we're loosing jobs to people over there. if we're sober and we can't keep up with Indian elementary schools that are churning out alcoholics, there isn't something wrong with them…there is something wrong with us. outsourcing my ass!
a 25-year-old brazilian man confessed to stoning 5 women. Yes. He went to a police station and told them that he stoned 5 women to death. the only problem was that the brazilian police could not arrest him. "why" you may ask? because brazilian electoral law prohibits anyone from being arrested 5 days before a general election and 2 days after a general election unless they are caught in the act. the law was "designed to ensure fair elections". that's right. you can pull a Kevin Spacey in "Se7en" and walk in to a police station with blood all over you and the cops can't do jack shit. What genius thought that law up? who in their right goddamn mind thinks that a person who routinely breaks the law is going to take the time to enjoy the democratic process of voting? Are you out of your fucking skull? Did you snort glue when you came up with that law? Starting yesterday, the brazilian police started looking for him. I guess they thought that since he confessed a first time, he'd come back because he was so overrun with guilt.
update 10/5: just to prove i don't have the time or energy to make up this shit, here's another: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20061005/ap_on_fe_st/language_police
in a nutshell, malaysia fines people who don't speak perfect malaysian. and i used to think we were the most uptight people on the planet. it's no secret at stony brook that there are a lot of foreign transfer students. as a writing tutor, i'm exposed to it every fucking day. i've got three words for malaysia: DEAL WITH IT!!! how big does the bug in your ass have to be to charge people money who don't speak the language the way you want? you're fucking insane! fuck you and your "world's largest building"!
today's rant: my car, originally 10/2/06
for the past two years, the "check engine" light has been on in my car. as a result, i've put in at least $1500 in repairs into it. all for naught. why don't i just take the fucking light bulb out? i've taken my car to two different mechanics. my first mechanic said it was a minor gas leak. he replaced the gas cap, didn't work. he replaced the cylinder-head gasket, didn't work. i don't even think that has anything to do with the leak. so he told me that he could look for the leak while the car was running, but it might take a few hours. at $90 an hour, i asked him if he could blow me too so that it would be sort of worth the money.
i took it my car to a second mechanic who said the same exact thing: it was a minor gas leak. he suggested replacing the gas tank. what the fuck exactly is supposed to happen to the gas in the tank? just throw it out? at 3 hours labor plus the cost of a new gas tank plus the cost of new gas, fuck it. if my car has been running without incident for 2 years with the "check engine" light on, i don't need to do jack shit. all i need to do is clear the car's computer to shut the light off and run it for about 50 miles before getting an inspection before the light comes back on.
unfortunately, i have to go to a funeral tommorow. my great aunt died last friday. the odd thing is that we found out she had cancer on wednesday. two days later, she stopped breathing. just not in the mood to put together a more thought-out rant. i'll try to have a better one later this week.
i took it my car to a second mechanic who said the same exact thing: it was a minor gas leak. he suggested replacing the gas tank. what the fuck exactly is supposed to happen to the gas in the tank? just throw it out? at 3 hours labor plus the cost of a new gas tank plus the cost of new gas, fuck it. if my car has been running without incident for 2 years with the "check engine" light on, i don't need to do jack shit. all i need to do is clear the car's computer to shut the light off and run it for about 50 miles before getting an inspection before the light comes back on.
unfortunately, i have to go to a funeral tommorow. my great aunt died last friday. the odd thing is that we found out she had cancer on wednesday. two days later, she stopped breathing. just not in the mood to put together a more thought-out rant. i'll try to have a better one later this week.
today's rant: comedy show, originally 9/28/06
One week from today, there is going to be a comedy show at good 'ol SBU. Not only that, but you have to pay to go to it. This is unlike most SBU comedy shows because they are usually free for students. The last two times students had to pay to see a comedy show at SBU, it was Dave Chappelle and two of the guys from "Whose Line Is It Anyway" doing an improv show. So I immediately think "pay to see comedy? it must be good". Then I looked closer at the little fuck flyer. "VH1 Best Week Ever Live". I cannot say "no" fast enough. The student activities board has fucked up again.
I should've suspected something was wrong just by the shape of the flyer. It's the same flyers that clubs/bars use to promote whatever Thursday night college promotion they're having (by the way, the Girls Gone Wild promotion, grossly overhyped). As soon as I saw "VH1", I wanted to splash my eyes with hydrochloric acid. In case you haven't noticed, VH1 is MTV for white people. Always has, always will be. It doesn't matter that neither of them don't play music anymore, it's still MTV's white roommate that's afraid to tell any race jokes for fear of getting a cap in his ass. I cannot expect anything good from the network that brought me "Pop Up Video" and endless upon endless "poking-fun-at-pop-culture" comedy shows. "I Love the 70s/80s/90s", "Best Week/Month/Trimester Ever", god-fucking-damnit!
It is physically impossible to watch one straight episode of any of those shows. The human body cannot handle it. Your asshole clenches to the point where it takes 5 hours to loosen it up before you can take a shit again. To have that happen in a live setting, the volunteer ambulance corps would have to be on stand-by at every exit of the auditorium. The list of D-list comedians expected for the live performance are the same mind-dumbing assholes that make your bowels howl in pain that you see on TV. Even the fat guy with the trucker hat from the Dave Matthews Band music video (the one who hugs everyone) is gonna be there. The only ray of hope for the entire show is Roz from "Last Comic Standing". As funny as I think she is, I don't think she can save this bunch of crap from being flushed down the toilet.
today's rant: back to the future part 2, originally 9/25/06
a portion of the movie "Back to the Future: Part 2" was set in the year 2015. being 9 years away, we have a lot of catching up to do. first thing's first: we're no where close to having a flying car. even if the technology comes along in the next few years, there is no way in fuck i am spending "only thirty nine, nine ninety-nine, ninety-five" to make my dodge status fly around. fuck you, goldie wilson the 3rd! that's right, "i drive a dodge stratus!" - will ferrell
next thing: power shoe laces. we as a people are lazy to the point where we control our car radios with buttons on the steering wheel. that is not good enough. i'm disappointed that we even have to keep pressing buttons on a remote control in order to change the channel on TV. however, what pisses me off the most is that i still have to tie my own shoes. at the country's current rate of laziness, now is the perfect time to invest in power laces.
big-ass flat screen tv that can play 6 channels at the same time: we're halfway there. 103 inch flatscreen tv, but only 2 channels at the same time.
dehydrated pizza: not yet, but i'll fuck a monkey's uncle if it's gonna be pizza hut.
debit thumb print: using your thumb to pay for shit. why not go further? blood sample to pay for stuff. while we're at it, might as well invest in anemia medicine.
one thing i don't like about the future: no internet. how else am i supposed to write this bullshit?
vote for slapdash graduate on nbc's "star tomorrow"! get 'em to the next round!
next thing: power shoe laces. we as a people are lazy to the point where we control our car radios with buttons on the steering wheel. that is not good enough. i'm disappointed that we even have to keep pressing buttons on a remote control in order to change the channel on TV. however, what pisses me off the most is that i still have to tie my own shoes. at the country's current rate of laziness, now is the perfect time to invest in power laces.
big-ass flat screen tv that can play 6 channels at the same time: we're halfway there. 103 inch flatscreen tv, but only 2 channels at the same time.
dehydrated pizza: not yet, but i'll fuck a monkey's uncle if it's gonna be pizza hut.
debit thumb print: using your thumb to pay for shit. why not go further? blood sample to pay for stuff. while we're at it, might as well invest in anemia medicine.
one thing i don't like about the future: no internet. how else am i supposed to write this bullshit?
vote for slapdash graduate on nbc's "star tomorrow"! get 'em to the next round!
today's rant: superficiality, fortune cookie, originally 9/21/06
it sucks. that's the only introduction i can think of. it sucks. i have no set argument, merely a list of observations i find unnecessary.
airbrushing - from ad modeling to porn, i don't see the need for airbrushing. don't get me wrong, makeup helps. i've seen jenna jameson's face in movies and pics of her at home. big fucking difference. but that's all i need. the last thing i think about is "*gasp*, there's one blemish on her arm that ruins her entire look". give me a fucking break. a guy's eyes go face-chest-face, that's it. we don't care what the girl is wearing, if anything. so there's no need for makeup anywhere else.
plastic surgery - i'll concede to this: if a girl is insecure about her looks and wants to get them fixed, ok. that's their business. whatever makes them happy, but remember this: there is a such thing as going to far. guys have 2 modes of thinking: with our heads and with our dicks, and sometimes they go in two completely different directions. our dicks think "god, those are huge!!!" our heads think "god, that's not proportional." ladies, believe me when i say this: no matter what a guy says, boobs can be too big. whenever we say otherwise, that's our dicks talking, and ladies know even more than us that our kibbles 'n bits are not always right. please keep everything in proportion.
weight - just as there is a such thing as boobs that are too big, there is a such thing as being too thin. the difference is that guys get confused when they see boobs that are too big for a girl's body, but we get nauseated when we see little marionette stick figures walking around. consider this metaphor for a minute. have you ever eaten fat-free cake or cookies? they're disgusting!
just to reiterate, guys do not want to date 75 lb. girls with makeup running down their legs and 42EE tits.
i'll close with something that happened to me yesterday. after eating chinese food, i cracked open my fortune cookie. the fortune read "
A healthy body will benefit you forever." i looked at the fortune, looked down at my gut, then called the waitress over and said "i think you gave me the wrong cookie." then i turned over the fortune for the "Lotto Six #'s": 8, 9, 10, 5, 23, 74. wait a minute...74? how the fuck is that possible? the lotto goes up to 59! ok. first they ridicule my weight, then they act like i can't count. i bid the restaurant a fond "fuck you" never to return.
airbrushing - from ad modeling to porn, i don't see the need for airbrushing. don't get me wrong, makeup helps. i've seen jenna jameson's face in movies and pics of her at home. big fucking difference. but that's all i need. the last thing i think about is "*gasp*, there's one blemish on her arm that ruins her entire look". give me a fucking break. a guy's eyes go face-chest-face, that's it. we don't care what the girl is wearing, if anything. so there's no need for makeup anywhere else.
plastic surgery - i'll concede to this: if a girl is insecure about her looks and wants to get them fixed, ok. that's their business. whatever makes them happy, but remember this: there is a such thing as going to far. guys have 2 modes of thinking: with our heads and with our dicks, and sometimes they go in two completely different directions. our dicks think "god, those are huge!!!" our heads think "god, that's not proportional." ladies, believe me when i say this: no matter what a guy says, boobs can be too big. whenever we say otherwise, that's our dicks talking, and ladies know even more than us that our kibbles 'n bits are not always right. please keep everything in proportion.
weight - just as there is a such thing as boobs that are too big, there is a such thing as being too thin. the difference is that guys get confused when they see boobs that are too big for a girl's body, but we get nauseated when we see little marionette stick figures walking around. consider this metaphor for a minute. have you ever eaten fat-free cake or cookies? they're disgusting!
just to reiterate, guys do not want to date 75 lb. girls with makeup running down their legs and 42EE tits.
i'll close with something that happened to me yesterday. after eating chinese food, i cracked open my fortune cookie. the fortune read "
A healthy body will benefit you forever." i looked at the fortune, looked down at my gut, then called the waitress over and said "i think you gave me the wrong cookie." then i turned over the fortune for the "Lotto Six #'s": 8, 9, 10, 5, 23, 74. wait a minute...74? how the fuck is that possible? the lotto goes up to 59! ok. first they ridicule my weight, then they act like i can't count. i bid the restaurant a fond "fuck you" never to return.
today's rant: friend requests, originally 9/18/06
even though i have expressed my feelings towards unwelcome friend requests on my profile under "who i'd like to meet", girls seem to circumvent that piece of information by sending a friend request without even looking at my profile!!! i'll admit, i'm single, and i'd like to be able to converse with a single lady, but i am not so desperate or stupid as to be duped by random people out of state who just joined myspace today.
i'm not even stupid enough to believe those are real people on the other end of those profiles. i'd have a much easier time believing that santa claus or the easter bunny wanted to be on my friend's list, solely because they've given me presents and chocolate over the years. i shudder to think that an actual female in her early-twenties is sitting behind a computer looking for new friends...and comes across me. think about it: early-twenties...these are the best years...full-swing into adulthood...and you're wasting it...on sending me a friend request. what the fuck is wrong with you? you can't be real. everyone has something better to do with their time. everyone. even taking a shit yields more accomplishment than sending me those requests. no one could have a profile picture like that and be so desperate as to look at my picture and think "hmm...he seems like a winner. just look at that giant tube of mentos!"
i reached a point where i snapped and decided to message one of the so-called "women" who wanted to be my friend. here is the message i sent her:
"despite the fact that i probably will not get a reply to this message, i'm writing it anyway.
here's an exerpt from your profile:
"My turn on: Funny, kind, love a good movie and is open minded to anything"
funny: you want to know what's funny? you sending me a friend request when you've never seen my profile. that's fucking hilarious
kind: i'm kind enough to send you this message before denying your friend request
love a good movie: who the fuck doesn't love a good movie? who walks around town screaming at the top of their lungs "'gigli' was a really good idea"? i'd like to meet that asshole so i can hit him in the knees with a baseball bat
open minded to anything: i'm in college, enough said.
do i turn you on yet?
i've gotten 20 of these bullshit friend requests today. i don't know if it's a computer doing this or a real person, but if an actual person is making these profiles, get a fucking life."
back to tutoring for me tomorrow. until next time, giggity-giggity.
i'm not even stupid enough to believe those are real people on the other end of those profiles. i'd have a much easier time believing that santa claus or the easter bunny wanted to be on my friend's list, solely because they've given me presents and chocolate over the years. i shudder to think that an actual female in her early-twenties is sitting behind a computer looking for new friends...and comes across me. think about it: early-twenties...these are the best years...full-swing into adulthood...and you're wasting it...on sending me a friend request. what the fuck is wrong with you? you can't be real. everyone has something better to do with their time. everyone. even taking a shit yields more accomplishment than sending me those requests. no one could have a profile picture like that and be so desperate as to look at my picture and think "hmm...he seems like a winner. just look at that giant tube of mentos!"
i reached a point where i snapped and decided to message one of the so-called "women" who wanted to be my friend. here is the message i sent her:
"despite the fact that i probably will not get a reply to this message, i'm writing it anyway.
here's an exerpt from your profile:
"My turn on: Funny, kind, love a good movie and is open minded to anything"
funny: you want to know what's funny? you sending me a friend request when you've never seen my profile. that's fucking hilarious
kind: i'm kind enough to send you this message before denying your friend request
love a good movie: who the fuck doesn't love a good movie? who walks around town screaming at the top of their lungs "'gigli' was a really good idea"? i'd like to meet that asshole so i can hit him in the knees with a baseball bat
open minded to anything: i'm in college, enough said.
do i turn you on yet?
i've gotten 20 of these bullshit friend requests today. i don't know if it's a computer doing this or a real person, but if an actual person is making these profiles, get a fucking life."
back to tutoring for me tomorrow. until next time, giggity-giggity.
today's rant: politics, originally 9/14/06
i don't think i'd be any good at politics. i even stepped down as president of my a cappella group for fear of having responsibility. i miss being an officer of a group and having no responsibility at all. example: president of high school matheletes. all i did was show up, convert oxygen into carbon dioxide (i'm pretty sure that was on my application for college), and leave (along the way, i did some math problems, too).
even if i wanted the responsibilities, i wouldn't be any good at politics because i don't want to dumb myself down for people to understand me. let's face it: there are some people in this country that aren't too bright. they go by many names: ar-tards (or tards for short), dee dee dees, air heads just to name a few. they're the kind of people that are so oblivious to everything outside their immediate circle that they could be sodomized by a goat in the middle of the night and wake up thinking they had a wet dream. if i had to cater to that kind of mentality on a constant basis, you'd find me in a skeevy motel with my head in a toilet after i'd go missing for a few days.
most importantly, i wouldn't be any good at politics because i have the urge to say what's on my mind a lot. just two days ago, we were talking about aristotle in my "media and society" class and how he defined what a citizen was. i raised my hand and said "to him, a citizen was an adult male land-owner". the professor asked for more about aristotle, so said "well, he was a pederast too, but that's beside the point." i was lucky enough to get laughs from two other students. sometimes, i have to catch myself before saying anything like that in public, but goddamnit, i love bringing up irony and hypocrisy. if i was running for an office and said what i thought in public or on TV, people would think i'm nuts. "that's totally inappropriate!" "fuck you, it's true. aristotle, plato, socrates, and all their friends were neck-high in prepubescent ass. read symposium, see for yourself." and you know what? hardly anyone would and my political career would be over. that's why i'll leave politics to someone else.
congrats to slapdash graduate to moving to round three of "star tomorrow". that's it for now. i have class in 15 minutes and i have to take a piss. comments/questions/complaints are welcome and encouraged.
even if i wanted the responsibilities, i wouldn't be any good at politics because i don't want to dumb myself down for people to understand me. let's face it: there are some people in this country that aren't too bright. they go by many names: ar-tards (or tards for short), dee dee dees, air heads just to name a few. they're the kind of people that are so oblivious to everything outside their immediate circle that they could be sodomized by a goat in the middle of the night and wake up thinking they had a wet dream. if i had to cater to that kind of mentality on a constant basis, you'd find me in a skeevy motel with my head in a toilet after i'd go missing for a few days.
most importantly, i wouldn't be any good at politics because i have the urge to say what's on my mind a lot. just two days ago, we were talking about aristotle in my "media and society" class and how he defined what a citizen was. i raised my hand and said "to him, a citizen was an adult male land-owner". the professor asked for more about aristotle, so said "well, he was a pederast too, but that's beside the point." i was lucky enough to get laughs from two other students. sometimes, i have to catch myself before saying anything like that in public, but goddamnit, i love bringing up irony and hypocrisy. if i was running for an office and said what i thought in public or on TV, people would think i'm nuts. "that's totally inappropriate!" "fuck you, it's true. aristotle, plato, socrates, and all their friends were neck-high in prepubescent ass. read symposium, see for yourself." and you know what? hardly anyone would and my political career would be over. that's why i'll leave politics to someone else.
congrats to slapdash graduate to moving to round three of "star tomorrow". that's it for now. i have class in 15 minutes and i have to take a piss. comments/questions/complaints are welcome and encouraged.
today's rant: jerry springer vs. maury, originally 9/10/06
when i'm flipping through the channels, sometimes i happen upon these shows in the morning. unfortunately for me, i'm stupid enough to believe that something good could be on broadcast TV in the morning besides "the price is right". i haven't really watched these shows since 10th grade, but when i glance at them once in a while, i'm disappointed to see that the shows haven't changed much in the past 6 years. i don't know who writes the stuff, but they need to take some kind of mind-enhancing drugs so that they can come up with some new ideas for shows.
out of the two shows, i liked maury better. it's not that i got tired of lesbians fighting each other on springer, but i got more joy out of people on maury making asses out of themselves. nothing could brighten my morning better than some teenage mother, who swears that she never cheated, find out that the asshole ex-boyfriend isn't the father. the tears that stream down their faces are worth their weight in gold, because they are made of surprise compounded by televised humiliation and a reputation ruined. what's even more special is that the moms bring more and more guys on the show, only to find out they didn't father the kid either.
it's at that point that i start to question the credibility of the show. unfortunately for me, being a guy, i have a need for things to make sense. so, i try to average out the number of guys that the moms claim to be the father versus the possible time of conception. for some of these moms, they would've had to have sex with three different guys every day for a week in order to come up with the list of possible fathers. that logic escapes me. that got tiring to watch.
i know springer is fake. i don't care if jerry calls me up to try to convince me otherwise. i swear that they just find some random people in alabama, give 'em gas to drive their pickup truck to chicago, give 'em $50 to come on the show, and tell them what to say and do on the show. don't believe me? go to alabama and ask any adult for a copy of their resume. after they figure out what a resume is, read it and i guarantee that "jerry springer" will be on the list of work experience.
it took me a longer time to stop watching maury. part of it was because i was sick and tired of seeing the shows with deformed people, the shows where the audiences guess who's a woman and who's a drag queen, and those geek-to-gorgeous shows. the only real reason to watch maury is to watch moms find out their men didn't father their kids and to watch the people with fucked up fears. go to break.com and type in "maury". you'll see a woman afraid of pickles, a guy afraid of peaches, and a woman afraid of balloons. you'll watch them and think to yourself, "self, i'd love to smack that lady in the face with a pickle" or "i'd just love to throw a peach at that fat fuck's head". i seriously believe maury gets off on watching those people get scared shitless when the stage hands bring barrels of peaches or a cluster of balloons on stage.
before i sign off, i'll just end with something i saw on tv today. i saw coverage of bush at a church in NYC today and the american boys choir was singing. i could tell that they've been trained to sing because the words didn't sound natural. all of the vowels were rounded out and their mouths were wide open in order to "project" as us singers call it. i just couldn't help but wonder "...i wonder if they practiced with a priest." let that stew for a moment. still don't get it? ok. boys... wide open mouths... pederast priest... i don't think i need to explain anymore.
out of the two shows, i liked maury better. it's not that i got tired of lesbians fighting each other on springer, but i got more joy out of people on maury making asses out of themselves. nothing could brighten my morning better than some teenage mother, who swears that she never cheated, find out that the asshole ex-boyfriend isn't the father. the tears that stream down their faces are worth their weight in gold, because they are made of surprise compounded by televised humiliation and a reputation ruined. what's even more special is that the moms bring more and more guys on the show, only to find out they didn't father the kid either.
it's at that point that i start to question the credibility of the show. unfortunately for me, being a guy, i have a need for things to make sense. so, i try to average out the number of guys that the moms claim to be the father versus the possible time of conception. for some of these moms, they would've had to have sex with three different guys every day for a week in order to come up with the list of possible fathers. that logic escapes me. that got tiring to watch.
i know springer is fake. i don't care if jerry calls me up to try to convince me otherwise. i swear that they just find some random people in alabama, give 'em gas to drive their pickup truck to chicago, give 'em $50 to come on the show, and tell them what to say and do on the show. don't believe me? go to alabama and ask any adult for a copy of their resume. after they figure out what a resume is, read it and i guarantee that "jerry springer" will be on the list of work experience.
it took me a longer time to stop watching maury. part of it was because i was sick and tired of seeing the shows with deformed people, the shows where the audiences guess who's a woman and who's a drag queen, and those geek-to-gorgeous shows. the only real reason to watch maury is to watch moms find out their men didn't father their kids and to watch the people with fucked up fears. go to break.com and type in "maury". you'll see a woman afraid of pickles, a guy afraid of peaches, and a woman afraid of balloons. you'll watch them and think to yourself, "self, i'd love to smack that lady in the face with a pickle" or "i'd just love to throw a peach at that fat fuck's head". i seriously believe maury gets off on watching those people get scared shitless when the stage hands bring barrels of peaches or a cluster of balloons on stage.
before i sign off, i'll just end with something i saw on tv today. i saw coverage of bush at a church in NYC today and the american boys choir was singing. i could tell that they've been trained to sing because the words didn't sound natural. all of the vowels were rounded out and their mouths were wide open in order to "project" as us singers call it. i just couldn't help but wonder "...i wonder if they practiced with a priest." let that stew for a moment. still don't get it? ok. boys... wide open mouths... pederast priest... i don't think i need to explain anymore.
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