after the bat mitzva i worked last night, i am convinced one of two things are true: 1) most kids between the ages of 12 and 14 have attention deficit disorder, or 2) most kids between the ages of 12 and 14 have sugar directly pumped into their bloodstream in a packet hooked up to their leg, much like a colostomy bag. i believe this because it is the only rational explaination for kids to be excited to play texas hold'em poker and fuck up every step of the game. by their enthusiasm, i immediately assumed as a poker dealer that they knew how to play the game. god, what a retarded assumption. i secretly wished monkeys were at the party, because they could play better than these kids.
one kid, i'll call him "the albino" because he was a blonde-haired, skinny little freak, was yelling constantly at the other kids and myself because he believed he had a superior knowledge of the game. mr. albino and another player, i'll call him "special ed", both got a straight, 9 to king, and the pot was to be split between the two poker geniuses. what followed was a 2-minute shouting match between the albino and any one that heard him because he also had a king in his hand, besides the card that made the straight with. since a king is a high card, he believed that he was so special and so knowledgeable of the game that he should get the enitre pot. i sat there for those two minutes and thought to myself "he must be the on the low end of the bell-curve" before i explained to him why it was a tie.
that was not the last i heard of the albino. he was back later and asked me if i've ever been to first base. he was not talking about during a baseball game. if he was, i would've told him no because i suck at baseball. no, he was referring to baseball innuendo. a TWELVE-YEAR-OLD ALBINO was asking me if i've ever been to first base. if there was ever more evidence that i am in the wrong line of work, i'd like to see it. at that point, i wanted to find his parents, smack them in the face and yell at them, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT?!"
now let's turn our attention to special ed. he was my favorite kid the entire night. his antics earned him the name of special ed. during the game, he claimed that his father was in the world series of poker in las vegas. i replied that it didn't rub off onto him because he sucked. i didn't just say that to make him feel bad, he really did suck. i had evidence to support my claim. throughout the entire night he kept flipping his cards over and bending them like action figures, letting everyone know what he was holding. at least five times, i remember saying "stop bending the cards, stop showing your cards". the very best was when he would go all-in. he would pick up his chips, like a monkey using a tool for the very first time, and would slam his hand down hard. he would say, "All-in" *SLAM* "Ow" on more than one occasion. whatever respect he brought to the table got sucked down the toilet like the little turd that he was when he hurt himself going all-in.
hope you enjoyed my rant. stay tuned for more. btw, i found an apartment. i'm gonna look at it this coming week.
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