let me first say that i am not a professional soccer fan because...well...it's not usually on TV. if it was, maybe i'd have a stronger opinion on it. but since it's not, fuck it. don't blame me, blame TV, those fucks. so please understand, i'm basing my following opinions on when i played soccer between the ages of 6 and 10. goddamn, life was great back then. we had teenage mutant ninja turtles, super mario bros., nirvana, and soccer. what more could a kid ask for? now i look at soccer at the world cup and ask myself "what the fuck?!"
when i was a kid, soccer was fuckin awesome. everyone got a chance to play, we got to pick our own jersey numbers, there were no fights between players, and at halftime, everyone got gatorade and entenmann cookies. then i saw one of yesterday's games and all of my childhood innocence with regards to soccer went down the toilet faster than my brother's watery stool (1, he's sick; 2, he's on vacation, so i can say whatever i want about him). during the US/Italy game, i saw one guy from each team jump up to headbutt a ball. the italian guy elbowed the us guy in the face! blood freaking everywhere! then he got thrown out of the game and acted like he did nothing wrong! he just threw his arms up in disillusion, probably wondering why the us player forced his face into his elbow, the fuckin idiot. "how was i supposed to know he'd headbutt my my elbow while i was swinging it back, ref? c'mon!" i'm also seeing players tripping each other, sliding into each other, and pushing. they didn't teach that to me when i played soccer as a kid. now i'm wishing they did. it seems like more fun.
if that's how the players act in the world cup, i wonder how the players' parents act. when i played soccer, soccer moms and dads were very vocal and borderline violent at a kids game. they'd go, "hey ref, get off of your knees, you're blowing the game!" while they'd swing garden chairs and jump around flailing their arms like chimps. imagine how they act now. by now, they've probably refined their aggression into hours of crying on the toilet and elaborate but doomed-to-fail plans to assassinate the referees. i wouldn't be surprised if they have the referee's picture in the center of a pentagram hidden in their closet with pins and needles stuck in the eyes. they probably have to be wheeled into the stadium with a straight-jacket on and a muzzle over their mouths like hannibal lecter. believe me, parents living vicariously through their kids is a very scary thing, much like ManBearPig. they must be stopped or the world is doomed. i'm super-duper serial. excelsior!! (for those who got lost during that last part, watch "south park" season 10, episode 6, entitled "ManBearPig").
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