today's rant: cartoons, originally 7/25/06

looking back at the cartoons i used to watch as a kid, i wonder how some of them would be in different situations.  when i was younger, i wouldn't think these things up.  but now, i think that put in different premises, some of these cartoons could be hilarious.

let's begin with "rugrats".  without changing anything, the cartoon itself is pretty messed up in a funny way.  what we've got is 1-2 year olds who know the basics of grammar in the english language, but somehow can't (or refuse to) use those skills in the presence of adults.  furthermore, their eyes are bigger than their hands and their arm reach is such that they can't reach the top of their heads.  how messed up is that?  were they born with some birth defect we are not aware of?  years later, i wonder:  what if they started cursing each other out?  i can image tommy shouting out obsenities in that high-pitched, mouse-like voice of his, and i grin.  just yelling "you son of a bitch!" at chuckie before kicking him in the nads.  watching them fight and duke it out would be funny, too, since their short arm reach limits their capabilities.  maybe they can take a page out of zidane's book and headbutt each other.

next up, "beavis and butthead" (also, fucked up cranial structures from the testosterone being diverted from their nuts and pumped directly to their brains).  how they got as far as the 9th grade is anybody's guess.  what i think about is what would happen if one of them started crying.  for example, let's say beavis found out his mom was dead.  would he still to his "heh heh" laugh while bawling like a little pussy?  just think about it:  beavis laying on the floor in the fetal position with tears streaming down his face.  most likely, butthead would be laughing his ass off.  speaking of butthead, how the hell can he afford braces?  maybe he stole someone's dental plan information, i don't know.  if they make new episodes, i bet they'd turn gay on each other.  since the majority of the series was centered on their failure to get with any woman, maybe butthead would eventually say:

"uh, hey beavis.  huh-huh.  uh, would you, like, do it with a chick in her butt?  huh-huh."
"mmm, heh, yeah, YEAH!  heh-heh."
"uh, how about with a dude?"
"um, heh, no way!"
"uh, why?  what's the difference? huh-huh."
"uuuuuuummmmm...i don't know.  heh-heh."

it would all progress from there.