Senator Rand Paul has the strangest rage boner I have ever seen for Dr. Anthony Fauci. He can demand all the investigations he wants. I’m not trusting the pseudo-science ravings, conspiracy theories, or sub-human intelligence of some stupid politician who looks like someone tried to launder Martin Short and didn’t leave him in the dryer for long enough. I’m trusting the guy with the medical degree. End of story.
Last week, the Comptroller of South Carolina reported a $3.5 billion accounting error. I’m not going into detail what a Comptroller does, because I don’t know. Don’t be surprised, neither do you. All I know is that I used to be a writing tutor at my state college, which meant I was a state employee and the state Comptroller’s signature would show up on my paycheck. Then the Comptroller got into legal trouble for using state money to pay for transportation for his invalid wife. Then he got into more legal trouble for using state money to hire a lawyer because he got into legal trouble for using state money to pay for transportation for his invalid wife. Then he got reelected despite all of the previous information being public knowledge at the time, then he resigned in disgrace, in that order. This is how I knew in college that government and the voting public were fucking stupid. He did a very bad job comptrolling everything. Anyhow, that was almost 20 years ago. Fast forward to South Carolina’s predicament, money given to help pay for state colleges was not reflected in the budget over the past few years. The state budget was off by $3.5 billion, but someone in the Revenue and Fiscal Affairs Office said “There should be no impact on anyone, certainly not on the budget process, not on the tax rebates that everyone received.” That means that SC state politicians before this year read the state budget and thought they had an extra $3.5 billion laying around inconsequently and absolutely none of them thought, “You know, $3.5 billion sure could feed a lot of hungry people. Sure could buy a lot of beds and space for people without homes. Maybe if I toss some to the teachers, they’ll stop complaining about how little they are getting paid.” Greedy fucks. Makes you wonder how much other money they are sitting on to make them think a $3.5 billion oopsy-poopsy isn’t that big a deal.
If you need any further proof that cable news channels are not news, but in actuality ratings-driven entertainment and opinion, just look at the latest shit from CNN and Fox News. At least with WWE, they admit what they are selling you upfront. It’s in the fucking title: “entertainment”. With cable news, instead of “superstars” and “professional wrestlers”, we have “senior political analysts”. Instead of “announcers” and “color commentators” reading a script and getting verbal queues through an earpiece, we have “anchors” and “prime-time talk show hosts” reading a script and getting verbal queues through an earpiece. Funny enough, CNN’s Don Lemon shows why going off-script is bad. He’s trying to ad-lib and be more entertaining, and from what I read in news headlines (because I don’t care enough about him to read the full article), his ad-lib comments regarding Nikki Haley were not going over well. Who’s on his way to getting fired? Whoa, he’s halfway there. Whoa-oh! Lemon on the air! Don…DON! Don’t do that shit. Just Google “Abraham Washington WWE Kobe Bryant” and you will see why. On the other side of the psych ward, we have Fox News, my least-favorite adorable mammal-based media outlet. They are being sued for the stupid bullshit they said after Cheetos McHairpiece lost the last election. As a result of being sued, court document showed that their people knew they were spewing bullshit, but said it anyway to keep their ratings up. That comfortably disqualifies them from being called news and justifies them getting sued. It’s the same reason why “boneless wings” are not “boneless chicken wings” at Applebees and why “langastino” has to be used when “Red Lobster” tries to pass it off as actual lobster. Fox, you are no better than family restaurant chains.
I have no idea what a “gutfeld” is, but if it’s claiming to be the highest-rated late-night comedy show in the country, there’s a lot of things that need to be understood. Firstly, there are already a dozen late-night comedy shows to choose from every night, and most of them lean liberal. That means that half the country’s population splits into those 12 or so to choose a favorite. Mathematically, that means that the other half of the country’s population breaks off into a VERY small pool of conservative leaning late-night comedy shows. That means a bigger piece of the pie. Big whoop. Secondly, I’d rather make jokes about conservative stereotypes and be called a pussy snowflake sheep than make jokes about liberal stereotypes and be called racist. By all means, you go ahead and do that. Seriously, I don’t think you really understand why we hate you. Fox, everything you do reinforces the conservative stereotypes of racism, greed, and ignorance. What stereotypes are you going to call the libs? Spend too much money, deviant, perverted, and anti-white? I’ll take that any day of the week and twice on Sunday, especially the deviant perverted part on Sunday. Thirdly, combining my first 2 point together, it seems as if having the highest-rated late-night comedy show situated on a conservative news channel just means you hold the most attention of shit-brained uncritical people who have nothing better to do at 11pm on a weeknight when they should be sleeping because they have work tomorrow, like the rest of us. This is what Trump never understood. Ratings don’t make you better when the people who watch you are fucking stupid!
That being said… CNN, don’t do it. Don’t have a late-night comedy show. Aw, fuck it. Go ahead. I’ll never watch it. There is no “best” cable news channel, and your strife to become is pathetic. You sell a shit product, and you get shit attention. This is again why cable news should be illegal.
