Today's rant: care bears

We are attempting to get our daughter into watching "Care Bears" at my wife's wish and bemusement. The current episode on has them spoofing "Star Trek", as some old cartoons have been known to do. As someone who is watching the old episodes on Hulu, I must say "I am appauled".  So here I go: I am appauled.

There are five Care Bears on their ship. How is that enough crew members?  Who prepares dinner? Beastly and Shrieky attempt to kidnap the Care Bears and take their ship. They achieved the former, but were utterly unprepared for the latter. Seems a bit sloppy. Should not they have thought of that before stowing away? A small alien ate all their food, and they blamed the pig. That is fucking racist! (Feel free to offer examples of how "Star Trek" was sexist and racist)

As an update to my previous post, I am proud to say that even my wife's doctor thinks Caillou is a faggot.  I heard a rumor recent that Caillou had cancer. My eyes lit up.  I swear to you,  I said "That's awesome!" in front of my manager when I heard that. That is how much I hate Caillou.

today's rant: my daughter's tv shows

at our house, we've stopped paying for cable.  instead, we've started paying for netflix and hulu.  the reason behind the decision is that we discovered we were not really watching a lot of live tv anymore.  now we can watch whatever we want whenever we want, except for live sports.  however, we don't get NY sports in south carolina, so we'd be fucked anyway.

i've started taking notice of all the kids shows that my daughter watches on both hulu and netflix.  since i have to watch her constantly after i get off of work, i have to be in charge of what she watches.  the following is a list of shows that she watches, as well as my take on them.

"fraggle rock".  words cannot describe how happy it makes me that she likes "fraggle rock"  i am 5 years old all over again.
"doozers".  this is a hulu-exclusive CGI spin-off of "fraggle rock" that is supposed to teach problem-solving.  like many kid shows, some of the things they say are repetitive to the point i want to take a fork and shove it in my ear.  i fail to understand their obsession with radishes.
"super why".  they go into stories with their "super-duper computer" to find the "super story answer" to their "super big problem".  90% of the time, it is NOT a super big problem.  a lost pet is.  wondering why your parents are being sneaky on your birthday is not.  get your priorities straight.  also, for some reason, every time i hear "super-duper computer" and "super story answer", in my head, it sounds like "motherfucking computer" and "motherfucking answer" just because they have the same number of syllables.  what really gets me is that they stop everything that they are doing in order to solve the club house to solve the problem.  meanwhile, in the time spent away from the problem, chances are people walk away, an animal would die of starvation, wanton destruction would occur, or people would get bored and do something else.  seriously, would you wait 20 minutes for the kids to come back and learn their lesson?  FUCK NO!  YOU'VE GOT SHIT TO DO!
"caillou".  FUCK CAILLOU!  that little 4-year-old is a fucking little-ass pussy, always complaining like a bitch.  "i don't want to".  "i want to sleep in your bed".  "there's a scratchy monster".  if i were that kid's dad, i would shout my head off.  "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK, YOU LITTLE SHIT!  GET THE FUCK TO SLEEP!  THAT'S THE SECOND TIME YOU INTERRUPTED ME AND YOUR MOM FUCKING!  I CAN'T KEEP A HARD-ON LIKE THIS!  IF I CAN'T GET IT BACK UP, I'M KICKING YOUR TEETH OUT!"  i must explain the next part before i type it, so my readers understand:  i don't use the word "faggot" to describe gay people in any way, shape, or form.  that being said, caillou is a little faggot.
"bubble guppies".  i can tolerate this show because the theme is catchy.

today's rant: college humor "most american" list

this rant serves as a sharing of personal results and a review of the available choices with some critique of collegehumor.com's "the most american thing ever" poll.  i am not knocking collegehumor.com because i enjoy their polls.  it's just a critique over some choices.

my top five were 1.  american football, 2.  barbeque, 3.  huge food portions, 4.  childhood obesity, and 5.  the simpsons.

the following is a list of the other items on the poll in order of most popular to least popular thus far in the poll:

the american flag.  kind of a gimme.
excessive patriotism.  well, i don't think that is exclusive to america.  germans in WWII were pretty patriotic, too.
guns.  definately not only in america.  would you tell a mexican drug cartel or a north korean how american they were sporting their guns?
invading countries that have oil.  wasn't that what the crusades were?  they just didn't know they countries had oil or how useful petroleum was.
bald eagles.  yeah.
the nfl.  fuck yeah.
mcdonalds.  they have mcdonalds in india, where they worship cows.
the bill of rights.  the magna carta was written in 1215.  england beat us to it.
thanksgiving.  yeah, that's ours.
baseball.  well, they play it in japan too.
consumerism.  paint a target on uncle sam's back.  that one is dead on.
teddy roosevelt.  not only is he american.  he's a new yorker.  double points.
nukes.  yes, that's all us.  just ask hiroshima and nagasaki
coca-cola.  they make it also in mexico and south america.  so it depends on your definition of "american".
country music.  i don't know 'cause i've never listened to it.
fried things.  no.  zeppoles are italian.  boom, baby!
huge explosion-filled summer movies.  yeah.  we get that one.
ford pickup trucks.  that's a "yes".
actually, the next few are all yeses.  hollywood, john wayne, las vegas, child beauty pageants.
hot dogs.  hot dogs are sausages.  sausages are european.
the grand canyon.  unless we outsourced it to china without the rest of the world knowing, then yes.
reality TV.  pop idol came before american idol.  in fact, the UK came up with a lot of reality ideas before they aired in the US.
harley davidsons.  i am not bike-curious, so i don't know.
winning.  check the world cup.  i don't think so.  besides, americans hate booboozellas.
freedom fries.  the name itself is american.  that may be enough.
fried oreos.  put that on a pizza and we've got some all-american cuisine.
"wrestling".  they have pro wrestling in mexico and japan, too.
disney world.  if it was just disney, i'd say yes.  but the parks are international.
christmas.  this is the first one that i have to say "fuck no".  all americans can say is that we made christmas insane.
state fairs.  meh.
creationism.  any country with a king james bible can claim creationism.
john deere.  it's so american, that they had to make laws banning it on the interstates.
fireworks.  again, fuck no.  they are chinese.
remembering the alamo.  i'm not a texan.
boubon.  i'm not a heavy drinker.
root beer.  i'm not a light drinker, either.
comic books.  let's ask captain america.
putting dogs in costumes.  i don't actively search for this on google, but maybe.
ellis island.  it can see new york's statue of liberty's taint from where it floats.  hell yes.
ranch dressing.  maybe
child stars.  meh, don't care.

someone at work told me that i make a big deal over every little thing i inspect and tell my manager about any problem i have with someone's work.  well, i'm sorry.  you're right.  we are still in kindergarten and i have to be sensitive of people's feelings.  it's not like these airplanes we are building have to be approved by the faa.  oh fucking wait.  they do!  and these things are going... in the air!  so excuse me if i'm serious about keeping an airplane from falling apart.  it's my stamp and my signature on the faa paperwork.  that means that if that plane crashes and it's my fault for letting a problem go, i... go... to... fucking... jail.  i am not knocking you.  you do a good job, but i am not changing the way i do my work just because you think i'm an asshole unless someone higher than me tells me to change how i do my work.  i know i'm an asshole, but other people's feelings do not change customer specifications or faa regulations.  deal with it.

today's rant: british boy bands, top 20

for reasons that still escape me, most of my rant page views continue to come from ukraine.  if anyone who lives there can explain that to me, i would greatly appreciate that.  by the way, when i say "most of my page views", i mean that i got 10 page views from there in the past 2 weeks.  hardly anybody reads my shit.

15 years later, and boy bands are starting to make a comeback.  this time, they are all from the UK.  personally, i do not really have a problem with that.  why?  because i do not mind prepubescent girls channeling their hormones at something they will never, ever get their hands on.  sure as fuck beats channeling all that energy onto a living, breathing prepubescent male.  everyone knows that's how cooties are spread.  i am only saying this as a parent.  for the young boys who have to deal with girls listening to these groups, they gotta be thinking "those fucking faggots!" because of all the tail they are missing out on.

i've mentioned this before in a previous rant, but it bears repeating.  when i was in high school, there was a clique of popular girls who used to pass around "the story".  "the story" was a notebook detailing the fictionalized adventures of nsync and those girls.  every day, the pages would continue to fill.  i wonder what their boyfriends thought about it.  i do not have any account of the specifics of what they wrote.  back then, i had abso-fucking-lutely no idea what when through a 17-year-old girls head.  still don't.  i guess i will find out in 15 years.

i would respect these groups as musicians if the recording producers bothered to make the song sound like there were more than only two voices present.  at least backstreet would occasionally let kevin richardson sing a couple of bars by himself.  and the only time i was ever able to discern lance bass' voice from the rest of an nsync song was when they sang a cappella or when they did a 5-part breakdown like "i-i-i-i-i i want you back" or "it's gonna-gonna-gonna-gonna-gonna..."  you get my drift.  and yes, it is fucked up for a 30-year-old father of two to describe the semantics of all-male harmonies of boy bands.  it comes with the territory of being a former a cappella group member.  the point is that if there are five voices, i should be able to hear five voices.  it is the same reason why destiny's child never worked with 4 members and why the pussycat dolls did not work at all.  might as well call them "the beyonce lift-off point with special guest kelly rowland" and "the nicole scherzinger show".

continuing my iHateRadio campaign, i was listening to clear channel's new york poster boy, elvis durran, this morning on a syndicated program that reaches all the way to SC with shakira counting down the top 20 iHeartRadio songs of the week while driving to weight watchers this morning.  let's make one thing clear:  iHeartRadio is nothing but a front for the (symbolically) drug dealers knows as clear channel broadcasting, who do nothing except force-feed our innocent ears with they music that they think we should be listening to in order for them to sell more records, buy their advertisers products, pay for tickets to their concerts, and watch their award shows.  CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT?!  THEY MADE UP THEIR OWN AWARD SHOW!  WHAT THE FUCK?!  THEY ARE GIVING OUT AWARDS TO MUSICIANS THAT THEY ARE FORCING US TO LISTEN TO!  "oh, this was the most listened to musician all year."  NO FUCKING SHIT!  YOU PLAYED THEM THE MOST, YOU STUPID MOTHER FUCKERS!  ...anyhow, the following thought occurred to me as they were counting down:  if your top 20 favorite songs are the same as the songs on this list, kill yourself.  you're better off listening to st. peter detail every time you masturbated.

today's rant: XPired

Microsoft has announced that it will stop supporting XP. Fuck! Now my PC is going to be even more vulnerable to viruses and shit. I guess now I kinda have to upgrade my OS to something like Windows 7.

I built my PC in 2007 as a college graduation present to myself. Since then, I have changed out the RAM and the screen. That's it. I installed XP because fuckin Vista was not compatible with half of the hardware I installed.  Guess what problem I may run into upgrading my OS now?!

I am happy Bryan Danielson came out on top at Wrestlemania XXX. I watched him in person while he was in ROH and am glad attained a great following. I saw him win the ROH title from james gibson/jamie noble, i saw him beat takeshi morishima in the head with a chain wrapped around his elbow, and I saw his farewell match with nigel mcguinness.  He is the reason I entered my wedding reception with the dj playing "the final countdown".  Mr. Danielson, may I suggest doing the same at your upcoming wedding?

Did you know that they make bacon-flavored lube? Awesome! It is true what they say: bacon goes with everything.

Ultimate Warrior dying right after he came back on TV is kinda fucked up.  Wonder what the cause of death will be.

My daughter would not stop watching Pentatonix youtube vids last night. I guess we converted her. Maybe I'll show her the old 90s Rockapella vids next.

I am a whore for old navy. Just look at all my jeans and sweatshirts.

As a stock holder of Domino's Pizza, I think I should be entitled to a free pizza every fiscal quarter as part of the stock dividend.

today's rant: what's popular?

for some reason, my "seinfeld and santorum" rant has been the most viewed yet.  i'm guessing it's because santorum was a popular asshole and came up with some fucked up things to say that it generated some google search results.  so does that mean i have to rant and rave about truly hot-buttom topics and fads?  hmm...

gangnam style selfies mcconnelling planking how i met your mother finale philip seymore hoffman is dead obamacare malaysia airplane mets blew it again rand paul fox news cnn jennifer lawrence teenage mutant ninja turtles captain america days of future past.

let's see of that works.

my wife starting singing "there was a farmer, had a dog, and e-i-e-i-o."  she may claim pregnancy brain.  wrong song, sweetie.

wrestlemania is next week.  this year, i will not be watching an illegal stream of the pay-per-view because i don't know which live stream website i visited that got me hacked.  therefore, i will visit none.  fuck that shit.  a person should be able to watch an illegal stream of proprietary sports broadcasting free and clear of legal consequences and malicious cookies.

since the powers that be in wwe have dangled the carrot of bryan danielson (daniel bryan) possibly winning the main event since he'd have to wrestle twice, that pretty much guaranteed people buying into the pay-per-view.  that's all they need.  paul levesque (triple h) could pin him in three seconds and it wouldn't make a difference in how many bought the show. 

today's rant: birth plan

apparently, my blog is the shit in ukraine.  i've had 16 page views in the past week from ukraine, compared to 1 from america.  i'll take that as a compliment.

um, to be honest, the whole ukraine/crimea/russia thing is not on my list of things to care about because i am trying to distance myself from having any sort of political scope, since "politics" is just a politician's word for "bullshit".  therefore, i honestly have no fucking clue why i have 16 ukrainian pageviews, but please keep it up.  just don't turn me into an attention whore like paris hilton, nancy grace, rosie o'donnell, sarah palin... the list goes on.

my wife has written a birth plan for her hospital.  her birth plan is a list of medical information with long words having a lot to do with the lower half of her body that she wants her medical staff to know.  i read this earlier this week thinking that there is no way that any bodily function that a man goes through in his life can even come close to justifying a list like this.  the only thing i can think of that a man may care about as much, but still not even come close to being as important, is the perfect environment for taking a dump.  with that in mind, here is my dump plan.

jonathan's dump plan

location:  master bathroom, water closet.
floor temperature must be set to 74 +/- 2 degrees for optimal sockless contact.
seat temperature must be set to 90 +/- 2 degrees for optimal ass-cheek contact.
toilet paper:  must be cottonelle brand, ideally with aloe, put on holder rolling backwards.  a spare will always be available should the first be extinguished.
reading:  three most recent maxim magazines must be available for visual consumption.
dumper is not to be disturbed for a minimum of fifteen minutes upon entering aforementioned water closet.
locks shall be calibrated once per quarter to ensure no stray children will accidentally open the door and be scarred for life.
scale readings pre-dump and post-dump are proprietary information and only given out on a need-to-know basis.
standard 120V outlet with power adapters for laptop and apple products will be available.

today's rant: new car

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today's rant: touchless bathroom

in 1996, i first set eyes on a self-flushing toilet.  my reaction was about the same as beavis and butthead's reaction when they saw a bunch in the public restroom when they saw old faithful in "beavis and butthead do america".  over the past 18 years, touchless technology has evolved in public restrooms.  since the 90s, we now see motion sensors on sinks, soap dispensers, paper towel dispensers, automatic hand dryers, and even the doors open by themselves for the handicapped.  i am waiting for the logical next step where robots just pull down our pants for us.

come to think of it, would it not logically have made more sense just to create that first?  i think the main reason for making all this touch-free technology in the bathroom is to minimize the transfer of germs from our hands to our cocks, balls, pussies, and assholes.  would it not make the most sense to FIRSTLY invent a machine that pulls down our pants and wipes up after us?  that way, we would not even need to put our hands anywhere near our genitals and bungholes, and therefore be no need to wash our hands.

a week and a half ago, it snowed 2 inches in south carolina.  my work closed.  i, being a born and bred new yorker, find this fascinating because this is unheard of.  2 inches is all it takes for the state and businesses to go "HOLY SHIT!  STOCK UP ON PROPANE AND MOUNTAIN DEW!!! WE'RE NOT GONNA MAKE IT 'TIL SPRING!!!"  it amazes me that the state will shut the fuck down because they don't invest in snow plows.  for those unfamiliar with long island infrastructure, we are made up of a bunch of "towns" which have an elected board to locally govern and maintain 5 or so smaller towns or villages, some of which have their own elected officials.  anyhow, as part of property and local taxes, each town has its own public works department.  part of which is dedicated to maintaining their fleet of snow plows.  each town has their own plows.  there is none of that here in SC.  therefore, 2 inches may as well be 2 feet to the people who are not used to driving in snow.  it is very laughable having to say at the end of the day "i got a snow day for this?  you'd get your ass kicked at work in NY for missing a day for 2 inches of snow."  it takes a blizzard or, i learned in 2012, a hurricane to shut down work in NY.  otherwise, you're a fucking pussy.

who do you think had a worse weekend last week:  philip seymore hoffman or peyton manning?

i know that social media is a revolution of the sharing of ideas, but i do not recommend griping about your job on your social media outlets WHILE YOU ARE STILL EMPLOYED FOR THAT COMPANY, unless you just don't care about getting fired.  in the fall of 2012, i reached that point and wrote about at the time.  i legitimately wanted out and did not care anymore.  however, if you have an overwhelming need to pay your bills, i advise against it.

today's rant: what i've learned this year

i have re-learned that i have absolutely no more time for this shit.
i learned that we're expecting our second, and hopefully final, child.  two is enough.  replacement value for myself and my wife.  all done.  no need to burden the world population anymore than we already have.
i've learned what the word "twerk" means.  i just have not had the courage to show anyone what "twerk" means.
i've learned how to deal with 6-hour car trips back and forth from south carolina to alabama:  audiobooks.  i've gone through the entire harry potter saga and am in the middle of hunger games.
i have learned that i have shame.  i know this because i have seen a fellow traveler's expense report while stuck in an airport and thought "i cannot possibly spend this much on a dinner for six people if i tried.  if i gave this to work, and they accepted it, there is something wrong."
i learned what happens when someone abuses FMLA:  they get fired and i get put in their place on 2nd shift.
i've learned that "the book of mormon" is awesome, even though i've only listened to the soundtrack.
i learned that all the money i put into our old house is gone forever.  now we must scrape together what we can in out tax return.
i've learned what a "belk", "dillards", "publix", "bi-lo", "piggly wiggly", and "food lion" are.
i learned that my cache of "fucks" are severely depleted.  therefore, i no longer give a fuck.
i learned how much clothes i need to buy.  losing 75 pounds tends to make your clothes bigger and need smaller sizes.