Monday, February 27, 2012
today's rant: driving school
i was driving home from a career transition commpany (long story) driving in the left lane on route 109. a driving school car was in the middle lane. i was driving faster, but the driver behind the wheel of the driving school car decided to move into the left lane. she was cutting it kinda close, but i had the room to decelerate enough to prevent a collision. it wasn't that much of a big deal, however, recognizing the opportunity for irony, i took it upon myself to make the most of the situation. i honked at the driving school car, now right in front of me, just to see what would happen. the instructor in the passenger seat raised her hand and started shaking it at the student driver. i couldn't help but laugh. i was proud to make sure to keep a driver's license out of the hands of a potentially bad driver for a little while longer. new york, you may thank me now.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
today's rant: seinfeld & santorum
i have never, ever found the show "seinfeld" funny. i've never seen jerry seinfeld live, so i really don't know if i can gauge him based on the show. the only thing i have to gauge his comedy is an old episode of "celebrity deathmatch". after his costars turn on him, he says "what's the deal with internal bleeding? if it's internal, is it really bleeding?" lately, i've been unfortunate enough to watch some "seinfeld" reruns by chance. not funny. i don't see what all the big fuss was about in the 90s. i don't think it's because i've become desensitized to sitcom-type comedy. it's just that i'd rather watch turtles fuck than watch "seinfeld".
as a registered republican, i find it supremely disturbing that a man like rick santorum can get so close to the presidency of the united states of america. here's a guy who doesn't have his priorities straight. he said this in 2004 about gay marriage:
"I would argue that the future of America hangs in the balance, because the future of the family hangs in the balance. Isn’t that the ultimate homeland security, standing up and defending marriage?”
um... no. i don't know about him, but i have never seen a skeevy video with a masked gay person holding an ak-47 ranting and raving with the rainbow flag in the background. i've never seen a gay person shoot up a school, train, or military fort. i know of zero drug cartels that are run by the velvet mafia. when it comes to homeland security, i refer to common sense.
as a registered republican, i find it supremely disturbing that a man like rick santorum can get so close to the presidency of the united states of america. here's a guy who doesn't have his priorities straight. he said this in 2004 about gay marriage:
"I would argue that the future of America hangs in the balance, because the future of the family hangs in the balance. Isn’t that the ultimate homeland security, standing up and defending marriage?”
um... no. i don't know about him, but i have never seen a skeevy video with a masked gay person holding an ak-47 ranting and raving with the rainbow flag in the background. i've never seen a gay person shoot up a school, train, or military fort. i know of zero drug cartels that are run by the velvet mafia. when it comes to homeland security, i refer to common sense.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
today's rant: what are you doing on stage?
to start, let me apologize. the subject matter of which i will type the following words is based on jingle ball 2011, a whopping two months ago. i honestly have no idea why it took me two months to work up an obvious gripe. you good people deserve better than that.
for those who do not know, one of the most popular radio stations in the tri-state area is z100. they are a top-40 pop music radio station. it is my observation that they are the cause for most of my music gripes for the past 10 years. the biggest of the gripes is playing the same musician hour after hour after hour after hour. unfortunately for me, this behavior has been picked up by the local and smaller radio stations, saturating my radio dial with tweeny-bopping bullshit.
ok, time to get back on track. every december, z100 has a concert at madison square garden called "jingle ball", which usually headlines one or two major top-40 music acts. for the past two years, parts of the concert have been broadcasted 10 days after the concert on the fuse music channel. two music acts on the line-up this year were pitbull and david guetta. i have heard pitbull on the radio backing up the likes of j lo and enrique. he compliments the songs nicely. however, because of this, when i saw the replay of jingle ball, all he did was play other people's songs and then sing his part. one minute tops. of course, they have to play the hook in the song so the audience can sing along, but he just stood there, movin his shoulders and arms for seconds on end not really doing anything. i wish i could get paid to do that. when it came to david guetta, he played his "without you" song. i mean this literally. he took the record and played it on a turntable. he stood there behind his booth in front of thousands of prepubescent girls and danced to the vinyl disc turning around and around. oh, what an enthusiastic performance. what the fuck is he getting paid for? i can push the "play" button as well as the rest of them. what scares me is that for all we know, he was naked from the waist down.
i don't care that whitney houston is dead. bets now being taken for cause of death.
for those who do not know, one of the most popular radio stations in the tri-state area is z100. they are a top-40 pop music radio station. it is my observation that they are the cause for most of my music gripes for the past 10 years. the biggest of the gripes is playing the same musician hour after hour after hour after hour. unfortunately for me, this behavior has been picked up by the local and smaller radio stations, saturating my radio dial with tweeny-bopping bullshit.
ok, time to get back on track. every december, z100 has a concert at madison square garden called "jingle ball", which usually headlines one or two major top-40 music acts. for the past two years, parts of the concert have been broadcasted 10 days after the concert on the fuse music channel. two music acts on the line-up this year were pitbull and david guetta. i have heard pitbull on the radio backing up the likes of j lo and enrique. he compliments the songs nicely. however, because of this, when i saw the replay of jingle ball, all he did was play other people's songs and then sing his part. one minute tops. of course, they have to play the hook in the song so the audience can sing along, but he just stood there, movin his shoulders and arms for seconds on end not really doing anything. i wish i could get paid to do that. when it came to david guetta, he played his "without you" song. i mean this literally. he took the record and played it on a turntable. he stood there behind his booth in front of thousands of prepubescent girls and danced to the vinyl disc turning around and around. oh, what an enthusiastic performance. what the fuck is he getting paid for? i can push the "play" button as well as the rest of them. what scares me is that for all we know, he was naked from the waist down.
i don't care that whitney houston is dead. bets now being taken for cause of death.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
today's rant: frivolous litigation
my wife wanted to watch frasier earlier this evening. patrick stewart did a guest spot on the show. she said, "ooh, captain kirk." i said, "barbara, i'm going to forgive you for saying that." she replied, "oh, mr. spock?" i rebutted, "no, captain picard." at least i'm patient enough with my geekiness not to blow a gasket at something somewhat trivial.
i dislike frivolous litigation. god forbid, the assholes actually win, it makes shit too complicated. for example, look at a box of pop tarts. on the cooking instructions, the first instruction is "remove pastry from pouch." OOOOOOOH! THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT!!! NO WONDER THERE'S SO MUCH SMOKE! the geniuses at the ny post reported that a staten island woman is suing her town for $900 trillion for putting her kids in foster care 4 years ago. let me write out that number for you. $900,000,000,000,000.00. just one more factor of ten, she could've hit quadrillion. she wants damages for mental distress because she was such a bad mother, her children were taken away from her. i don't know if she expects to get anything or if this is just a publicity stunt, but i believe that the judge hearing the case should have the authority to smack her in the head with a gavel for wasting everybody's time.
remember that bitch who spilled hot mcdonald's coffee all over herself and sued mcdonalds and won, despite the fact that the cup warned that the coffee was hot? i'm disappointed she wasn't struck by lightning as if by some knowledgeable intervention by an almighty force to make us smarter as a species. i was making mac and cheese tonight for dinner and i accidentally scooped boiling water on my abdomen. i... didn't... make... a... sound. did it hurt? fuck yeah, it did. it doesn't hurt anymore, though. so suck it up, cunthole.
i dislike frivolous litigation. god forbid, the assholes actually win, it makes shit too complicated. for example, look at a box of pop tarts. on the cooking instructions, the first instruction is "remove pastry from pouch." OOOOOOOH! THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT!!! NO WONDER THERE'S SO MUCH SMOKE! the geniuses at the ny post reported that a staten island woman is suing her town for $900 trillion for putting her kids in foster care 4 years ago. let me write out that number for you. $900,000,000,000,000.00. just one more factor of ten, she could've hit quadrillion. she wants damages for mental distress because she was such a bad mother, her children were taken away from her. i don't know if she expects to get anything or if this is just a publicity stunt, but i believe that the judge hearing the case should have the authority to smack her in the head with a gavel for wasting everybody's time.
remember that bitch who spilled hot mcdonald's coffee all over herself and sued mcdonalds and won, despite the fact that the cup warned that the coffee was hot? i'm disappointed she wasn't struck by lightning as if by some knowledgeable intervention by an almighty force to make us smarter as a species. i was making mac and cheese tonight for dinner and i accidentally scooped boiling water on my abdomen. i... didn't... make... a... sound. did it hurt? fuck yeah, it did. it doesn't hurt anymore, though. so suck it up, cunthole.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
today's rant: hd vision aviators
hd vision aviators. what the fuck. first of all, this commercial for these goddamn sunglasses just emphasizes the stupidity of those low-budget, "yours for only $9.99" commercials you see in between daytime talk shows on network television. the key to the stupidity? the actors in the commercial try the product being sold, then start nodding up and down in approval at how wonderfully the product works. you know, i know, the american people know that these mini-infomercial products are of such poor quality the only way anyone would nod in approval at them would be if they were under mental suggestion by a jedi knight. *waves my fingers* you don't need to buy this bullshit. these aren't the sunglasses you're looking for.
moving on, i hate the tagline. "just like high-definition revolutionized television, hd vision aviators..." i'm gonna stop right there. that's enough. they might as well have said "just like high-definition dvd is a completely dead technology that never even stood a butt-fucking chance in hell, hd vision aviators..." you can tag on any prefix or suffix to your piece of shit; it still smells bad. ten years ago, computer companies added "XP" to everything, despite the fact that they had nothing to do with windows XP. nowadays, it's adding "i" before everything. yesterday, i passed a building on sunrise highway that had a sign that said "iDJnow". are you frickin' kidding me? iDon't give a flying dog turd! (<--that typo was intentional, just to make my point)
i must say, once again, as a republican, the GOP cesspool of presidential contenders is less awe-inspiring than watching turtles fuck. they've had 7 years to find a suitable successor to GWB's clusterfuck of a legacy (4 through GW's 2nd term and 3 through obama's current). THIS IS THE BEST THEY CAN COME UP WITH?!?! first, we've got mitt romney, the kitten-killing son of a bitch that flip flops more than a short order cook at IHOP. next, newt gingrich who can't keep his ted kennedy inflated head inside his pants long enough to stay married to one person. they are followed by rick "homosexuality is a threat to the american people" santorum and ron paul, whose cervix, i mean service, as an gyno is invaluable experience as a washington obstetrition, i mean politian.
i'm saying this now and until november: CLAUS/BUNNY '12!!! why not? they've given more to me in my lifetime than any politician i can think of.
moving on, i hate the tagline. "just like high-definition revolutionized television, hd vision aviators..." i'm gonna stop right there. that's enough. they might as well have said "just like high-definition dvd is a completely dead technology that never even stood a butt-fucking chance in hell, hd vision aviators..." you can tag on any prefix or suffix to your piece of shit; it still smells bad. ten years ago, computer companies added "XP" to everything, despite the fact that they had nothing to do with windows XP. nowadays, it's adding "i" before everything. yesterday, i passed a building on sunrise highway that had a sign that said "iDJnow". are you frickin' kidding me? iDon't give a flying dog turd! (<--that typo was intentional, just to make my point)
i must say, once again, as a republican, the GOP cesspool of presidential contenders is less awe-inspiring than watching turtles fuck. they've had 7 years to find a suitable successor to GWB's clusterfuck of a legacy (4 through GW's 2nd term and 3 through obama's current). THIS IS THE BEST THEY CAN COME UP WITH?!?! first, we've got mitt romney, the kitten-killing son of a bitch that flip flops more than a short order cook at IHOP. next, newt gingrich who can't keep his ted kennedy inflated head inside his pants long enough to stay married to one person. they are followed by rick "homosexuality is a threat to the american people" santorum and ron paul, whose cervix, i mean service, as an gyno is invaluable experience as a washington obstetrition, i mean politian.
i'm saying this now and until november: CLAUS/BUNNY '12!!! why not? they've given more to me in my lifetime than any politician i can think of.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
today's rant: new vocab
since i became a father 9 days ago, i've had the opportunity to expand my vocabulary by leaps and bounds. let me list all of the new exciting words i've learned:
meconium (i encourage everyone who doesn't know what that is to look it up on wikipedia. the picture is truly a sight to see)
swaddler
BPA
effacement
prostaglandin
oxytocin
kangaroo care
jauntis
billirubin (who the fuck is billy rubin and what is he doing to my daughter?)
here's one phrase you don't want to hear anyone say while they're on the toilet: "there's that tuna salad."
meconium (i encourage everyone who doesn't know what that is to look it up on wikipedia. the picture is truly a sight to see)
swaddler
BPA
effacement
prostaglandin
oxytocin
kangaroo care
jauntis
billirubin (who the fuck is billy rubin and what is he doing to my daughter?)
here's one phrase you don't want to hear anyone say while they're on the toilet: "there's that tuna salad."
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