Today’s rant: onions

It is September and normally that would mean that new seasons television shows would begin.  That is not the case because the Writers Guild of America, led by the fearless Fran Drescher, is striking the big television and streaming producers in Hollywood.  Then the Screen Actors Guild went on strike.  This has been going on for 5 months.  Two weeks ago, the United Auto Workers union also went on strike against the big 3 Detroit, MI car manufacturers.  Personally, I’m not affected much.  There are lots of episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000 on YouTube, and those take over an hour and 30 minutes to go through.  Also, I am not in the market for a new car, especially not when Ford stands for Fix or Repair Daily.

My opinion of labor unions is that they can be both good and bad.  Examples of some of the good they do are improving safe working conditions and get a decent wage for their members.  Some of the bad they do are spending money on expensive shit for the labor organizers and get involved with racketeering and organized crime.  I’m looking at you, Teamsters.  Personally, I am not in a labor union.  Workers at one old facility I worked at voted to unionize after I left.  Years after the union was voted in, they are shutting down manufacturing entirely there by the end of this year.  Lots of good there.  I’ve heard from a person who worked there that everything went downhill after the union moved in.  This is just my personal anecdote.  I cannot speak for any industry in particular.  I will say that illegally trimming tree branches that provide shade to strikers is as dick a move as tear-gassing BLM protestors to get your picture taken holding an upside down bible in front of a church in DC.

By the way:  I cannot think the word “union” without my brain pronouncing it “onion”.

Today’s rant: Monk-verse

I am glad that TV characters exist in a different universe than my own.  More specifically, I am happy that fictional detective Adrian Monk exists in a different universe than my own, specifically because of the mortality rate and the criminality of characters who are up to two degrees of separation from him.  Here are the best lists that I can come up with of people one or two degrees of separation away from Adrian Monk who have either been murder victims or were murderers:

 

Victims, 1 degree of separation:

Wife

Group therapy patients

Upstairs neighbor

Manager at his bank

 

Victims, 2 degrees of separation:

Wife’s midwife (spoiler alert!)

Brother’s neighbor (woman)

Doctor’s cleaning lady

Assistant’s pizza deliverer

Lieutenant’s uncle

Nurse’s uncle (jeez, I’d hate to be an uncle in that universe)

2 victims of person who held grudge against Monk

Father’s boss

Old crush’s cleaning lady

Upstairs neighbor’s paperboy

 

Perpetrators, 1 degree of separation:

Flight passengers

Person against whom Monk brought evidence to a grand jury

 

Perpetrators, 2 degrees of separation:

Wife’s college professor (spoiler alert!)

Brother’s neighbor (man, husband to victim)

Doctor’s office neighbor

Doctor’s colleague

Nurse’s writing teacher

Captain’s girlfriend

Person who sued wife

Co-juror’s boyfriend

Father’s other boss

Assistant’s new sister-in-law

Man who had crush on assistant

Old crush’s ex-husband

Upstairs neighbor’s new girlfriend

Host of show that father-in-law produces

Upstairs neighbor’s magician mentor (when 2 people want you dead on separate occasions, maybe you suck)

Bank manager’s tall co-conspirator

Today’s rant: unsolicited requests

I once asked a telemarketer if he has accepted Jesus Christ as their personal savior.  When he said that I shouldn’t push my religious views on other people, I said he shouldn’t push stupid bullshit over the telephone, wished him a fond “fuck you”, and hung up on him.  It is what Jesus would have done. 

Last year, I got a text message from the NRA asking me to call Lady G himself Lindsey Graham to oppose gun legislation.  I replied “Fuck the NRA.  Eat my taint.  Take your gun, shove it up your ass, and pull the trigger.”  Jesus would not have said that.  He would have said to use a cross.

As you can see, I hate when people contact me for things that have absolutely nothing to do with me.  Yesterday, I got an unsolicited email from a person representing a job recruiting agency asking if I wanted a position as a spare parts buyer for a company’s “Supplier Business Operations” team.  I used quotation marks because I wanted to highlight that it is a self-inflated title that a company made up to sound more important.  It sounds a lot fancier that the simpler term “buyers”.  “I’m a supplier business operator!”  No, you’re a buyer, and there’s nothing wrong with being a buyer.  Regardless, that is not my field of expertise, and anyone who actually read my resume would not associate that job with me.  I responded back criticizing his waste of time in emailing me, saying “please tell me exactly what in my resume made you think that it would be profitable to take the time to write me an email about buying shit when absolutely nothing in my resume even comes close to that job description.”  The person responded back saying it was a mass email and apologized.  The claim that it was a mass email means either he puts no thought into finding job candidates or his agency’s policies and procedures put no thought into finding job candidates.  It’s the “throw it at the wall and see what sticks” maneuver.

I think my body hates the air.  Different parts of my body start bothering me when the air changes for any reason.  Low barometric pressure makes my right hip ache.  Pollen shuts down my sinus cavities and makes my right eye swell and turn red.  My dog’s various odors make me cough and gag in the morning when I have to clean up after her.

The “Reels” function on my Facebook mobile app is something I wish I could delete.  The best thing I can do is “Hide” them to see them less often, but mathematically, there is only so often I can do that before hitting “Hide” does absolutely nothing.  There is an asymptote that is eventually reached.  If I cannot delete it, at the very least, I should be able to have a “thumbs down” button for the videos that are played.

This paragraph is written on Tuesday, March 21.  The former Cheeto in Chief has said for the past week that he expects to be arrested today.  It’s a pleasant thought… really pleasant, actually, but the mere fact that he said it makes me doubt it will actually happen.  This is a hairpiece that said COVID will go away by Easter 2020 and never gave a replacement for the Affordable Care Act whenever he said he would.  He has the timing of a flat-Earther.

This paragraph is written on March 22.  Go figure, he’s full of shit.  He’s trying to get people to notice him again, despite the fact that if he was for some reason arrested, he would most likely voluntarily arrive at the DA’s office with his lawyers and Secret Service, be processed, taken straight to an adjoining arraignment hearing room where he would skip everyone else in line, plead not guilty, then be released on his own recognizance before going back to Florida.  If there are any handcuffs involved, they will never see daylight outside of a building.  It’s all bullshit.

If the person is dead, is it still slander or libel?

Today’s rant: What a drag

There’s 3 weeks left until the beginning of baseball season.  I don’t think I’m gonna make it.  I have no other good distractions available.

 

If American culture survives another 100 years, I would love to know how historians of the future judge the overt use of the word “woke” in our politics.  I suspect it would be something like how the word “communist”  or “socialist” was and still is used to describe anything that a politician doesn’t like, despite having nothing to do with the working class’ struggle to topple the bourgeoisie oppressors in order to achieve an economic utopia.  Seriously, conservatives, I do not think that Lenin had wet dreams about eliminating hamburgers because cow emissions cause ozone depletion.  I don’t even know what the fuck that last sentence was supposed to mean, but you made that argument during the debate about the Green New Deal, so you sleep with it.

 

I firmly believe that now is a great time for entertainers to start boycotting states that have anti-LGBTQIA+ laws put into place, given how nonchalant conservative states have been about anti-trans youth laws lately.  WWE, don’t have SummerSlam in Tennessee.  Please.  There are plenty of other football and baseball stadiums in the country, and I’m sure you can sell out the building.

 

It is my interpretation that we, as a people, accept migrants and refugees dying in capsized boats as an inevitable and acceptable loss of life.  “Oopsy.  Oh well.  I didn’t know any of them and they took a risky form of transportation.”  This is thousands of people a year just going into the water and not coming back up.  Furthermore, I cannot say that I personally care.  There’s too many people already.  Honestly, I think I would’ve been happier if Elian Gonzales didn’t survive.  It’s just interesting to me that society as kind of given up on them.  

 

It blows my mind that Finland and Sweden want to join NATO.  These are historically neutral countries, but they were finally pushed over the edge by Russia being a bag of dicks and invading Ukraine.  Good move, comrade.

 

I am a New York transplant living in South Carolina.  Among the things to come out of the infinite wisdom of the South Carolina state government lately is the “Defense of Children’s Innocence Act”.  Wow, that’s a broad title.  That’s the kind of title that is engineered to give the reader a good feeling in their tum-tum while at the same time say absolutely nothing about what it does.  Might as well be called the “Happy Cupcake Snuggie Act”.  In this “act”, it says that “Any business where drag shows are held is deemed to be a sexually oriented business for all local government ordinances relating to a sexually oriented business.”  The text justifies the tie between drag and sex by providing its own definition of a drag show.  My biggest problem with the definition given is the following statement:  “and is intended to provide sexual stimulation or sexual gratification”.  They made that statement up.  I know that because I have been to drag story time with my kids.  All you typically see at drag story time is someone dressed like Lady Gaga or Britney Spears dancing, lip-syncing (like Britney Spears), and reading a book.  I also know they made that statement up because I have been watching professional wrestling since 1997.  So when the then-World Wrestling Federation was having bra and panty matches in the late 1990s, they would comfortably have qualified as a sexually oriented business from my 13 to 15 year old perspective. 

Here’s a piece of nuance that is intentionally overlooked by the wording of this “act”:  drag performers do not do the adult-related entertainment part of their job at a children’s function.  To an intelligent person that should come as no surprise, otherwise they would not be invited back.  While professional wrestler John Cena grants more Make a Wish appearances than anyone else on the planet, you never hear of WWE having Hell in a Cell matches for the Make a Wish Foundation.  Why don’t they do that?  Because they don’t do the fighting part of their performance in front of Make a Wish kids!

 

I’m surprised that this is the topic that conservatives are making such an uproar about in South Carolina.  I guess all the other major problems are fixed now.  People with substance abuse problems are getting the help they need, right?  They don’t need to resort to spending the night in jail or in the Emergency Roomjust so they don’t have to spend the night outside, right? Everyone outside the halls of the State House has a bed and 4 walls to sleep in tonight, right?  And if they do, those building are up to code, right?  No fire hazards?  And I trust all the teachers are getting paid well.  Because, you know, “children’s innocence” and all that.  Don’t want to lose all those good teachers if their pay stinks.  We want to incentivize them to stay and get more people to join teaching as a profession.  We’re doing everything to make sure that happens, right?  And DSS isn’t having a hard time doing their job, right?  I certainly hope not, because it would be really weird if all those things were still major problems before you decided that drag shows were the higher priority.  Personally, my hierarchy of priorities has worrying about my kids’ exposure to drag shows fitting in on page 598 between giving 2 shits what my wife says about putting too much basil in the tomato sauce and wondering if Tiffany blue and turquoise are the same color.

 

Just say what it actually is.  This isn’t about children.  They hate drag performers.  This is not defending children’s innocence, because no drag performer has ever walked into a school or a library or a church and started shooting up the place.  This is codifying discrimination.  PROVE TO ME that drag shows are a threat to children’s innocence.  Police report or doctor’s note, or it didn’t happen.  If you cannot do that, THEN WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE EVEN TALKING ABOUT?!

Today’s rant: news wrestling entertainment (nWe 4 life?)

 Senator Rand Paul has the strangest rage boner I have ever seen for Dr. Anthony Fauci.  He can demand all the investigations he wants.  I’m not trusting the pseudo-science ravings, conspiracy theories, or sub-human intelligence of some stupid politician who looks like someone tried to launder Martin Short and didn’t leave him in the dryer for long enough.  I’m trusting the guy with the medical degree.  End of story.

Last week, the Comptroller of South Carolina reported a $3.5 billion accounting error.  I’m not going into detail what a Comptroller does, because I don’t know.  Don’t be surprised, neither do you.  All I know is that I used to be a writing tutor at my state college, which meant I was a state employee and the state Comptroller’s signature would show up on my paycheck.  Then the Comptroller got into legal trouble for using state money to pay for transportation for his invalid wife.  Then he got into more legal trouble for using state money to hire a lawyer because he got into legal trouble for using state money to pay for transportation for his invalid wife.  Then he got reelected despite all of the previous information being public knowledge at the time, then he resigned in disgrace, in that order.  This is how I knew in college that government and the voting public were fucking stupid.  He did a very bad job comptrolling everything.  Anyhow, that was almost 20 years ago.  Fast forward to South Carolina’s predicament, money given to help pay for state colleges was not reflected in the budget over the past few years.  The state budget was off by $3.5 billion, but someone in the Revenue and Fiscal Affairs Office said “There should be no impact on anyone, certainly not on the budget process, not on the tax rebates that everyone received.”   That means that SC state politicians before this year read the state budget and thought they had an extra $3.5 billion laying around inconsequently and absolutely none of them thought, “You know, $3.5 billion sure could feed a lot of hungry people.  Sure could buy a lot of beds and space for people without homes.  Maybe if I toss some to the teachers, they’ll stop complaining about how little they are getting paid.”  Greedy fucks.  Makes you wonder how much other money they are sitting on to make them think a $3.5 billion oopsy-poopsy isn’t that big a deal.

If you need any further proof that cable news channels are not news, but in actuality ratings-driven entertainment and opinion, just look at the latest shit from CNN and Fox News.  At least with WWE, they admit what they are selling you upfront.  It’s in the fucking title:  “entertainment”.  With cable news, instead of “superstars” and “professional wrestlers”, we have “senior political analysts”.  Instead of “announcers” and “color commentators” reading a script and getting verbal queues through an earpiece, we have “anchors” and “prime-time talk show hosts” reading a script and getting verbal queues through an earpiece.  Funny enough, CNN’s Don Lemon shows why going off-script is bad.  He’s trying to ad-lib and be more entertaining, and from what I read in news headlines (because I don’t care enough about him to read the full article), his ad-lib comments regarding Nikki Haley were not going over well.  Who’s on his way to getting fired?  Whoa, he’s halfway there. Whoa-oh!  Lemon on the air!  Don…DON!  Don’t do that shit.  Just Google “Abraham Washington WWE Kobe Bryant” and you will see why.  On the other side of the psych ward, we have Fox News, my least-favorite adorable mammal-based media outlet.   They are being sued for the stupid bullshit they said after Cheetos McHairpiece lost the last election.  As a result of being sued, court document showed that their people knew they were spewing bullshit, but said it anyway to keep their ratings up.  That comfortably disqualifies them from being called news and justifies them getting sued.  It’s the same reason why “boneless wings” are not “boneless chicken wings” at Applebees and why “langastino” has to be used when “Red Lobster” tries to pass it off as actual lobster.  Fox, you are no better than family restaurant chains.

I have no idea what a “gutfeld” is, but if it’s claiming to be the highest-rated late-night comedy show in the country, there’s a lot of things that need to be understood.  Firstly, there are already a dozen late-night comedy shows to choose from every night, and most of them lean liberal.  That means that half the country’s population splits into those 12 or so to choose a favorite.  Mathematically, that means that the other half of the country’s population breaks off into a VERY small pool of conservative leaning late-night comedy shows.  That means a bigger piece of the pie.  Big whoop.  Secondly, I’d rather make jokes about conservative stereotypes and be called a pussy snowflake sheep than make jokes about liberal stereotypes and be called racist.  By all means, you go ahead and do that.  Seriously, I don’t think you really understand why we hate you.  Fox, everything you do reinforces the conservative stereotypes of racism, greed, and ignorance.  What stereotypes are you going to call the libs?  Spend too much money, deviant, perverted, and anti-white?  I’ll take that any day of the week and twice on Sunday, especially the deviant perverted part on Sunday.  Thirdly, combining my first 2 point together, it seems as if having the highest-rated late-night comedy show situated on a conservative news channel just means you hold the most attention of shit-brained uncritical people who have nothing better to do at 11pm on a weeknight when they should be sleeping because they have work tomorrow, like the rest of us.  This is what Trump never understood.  Ratings don’t make you better when the people who watch you are fucking stupid!  

That being said… CNN, don’t do it.  Don’t have a late-night comedy show.  Aw, fuck it.  Go ahead.  I’ll never watch it.  There is no “best” cable news channel, and your strife to become is pathetic. You sell a shit product, and you get shit attention.  This is again why cable news should be illegal.

Today’s rant: classified

 It has recently come to my attention that my rant about claiming that Cheetos McHairpiece tried to illegally stay in power has been redacted, like a confidential document.  Hey Cheetos, you know all about those, right?

It’s not like I’m wrong.  There were broadcasted phone calls to Georgia with his whiny little voice asking for enough votes to win Georgia.  If you have not heard those phone call snippets, you’re living under a rock.  In the end, I think my rant was redacted by Blogger because I used hot trigger words like “fraud”.  Fuck you, Blogger.  How come cable news can say it but I cannot?  A talking head in front of a camera on a cable news network is an extremely low bar to clear in terms of media.  If they can say it, so can I.

The Super Bowl was last night.  I liked it.  It had a good national anthem, a good halftime show, and an entertaining back and forth game.  However, the entire game doesn’t hold a candle to last year’s FTX Super Bowl ad with Larry David.  Holy shit, that did not age well, and it is spectacular.  TL;DR, Larry David existed through the historical ages, incorrectly chastising new inventions like the wheel, coffee, the toilet, and portable music, then in 2022, he chastises FTX, a cryptocurrency exchange based in the Bahamas (RED FLAG), saying he’s always right about things like this.  The conclusion of the commercial:  Larry David is wrong and FTX is going to be awesome.  Back in our reality, 9 months later, FTX went bankrupt because it was funding a sister company in its own cryptocurrency, and when people realized it was worthless bullshit, they imploded.  It would be like if I paid my kids allowance in the form of Beanie Babies:  it’s not like they can use those to buy things at the mall.  Please, search for the ad on YouTube.  It’s over 3 minutes long and will immortally bask in the irony of its future demise.

Today’s rant: what I learned in 2022

 I am getting really pissed off when I go to a fast food restaurant, order a dessert, and hear “I’m sorry, the ice cream machine isn’t working.”  It’s not enough that I don’t get my dessert, but that is the ONLY machine that continuously fails.  Nothing else fails in the joint.  I have never heard “I’m sorry, the soda dispenser got a rat stuck in the filter” or “I’m sorry, the deep fryer overflowed” or “I’m sorry, the grill melted.”  You want to know who never, ever has a broken ice cream machine?  Fucking Carvel.  They don’t fuck around.  It’s a goddamn shame that doesn’t exist in South Carolina.

 

So, what did I learn in 2022?

- I learned the phrase “Top Secret” doesn’t mean shit.

- I learned I’m a whore if the price is right.  A coworker at a job I left 5 years ago texted me to ask if I would come back as a contractor for more money than I’ve ever earned before.  I said only if the Quality Manager (the reason I quit) wasn’t still there.  So here I am, losing at least 2 and a half hours each day driving roundtrip for the highest hourly wage I have ever been offered.  It’s temporary, but the best part is I have the smallest learning curve I have ever experienced when starting a new job.

- I learned how to swallow my pride and shake the hand of a former bully.  I went to my 20-year high school reunion and that was my least-favorite part.  I had to do it because his wife and high school sweetheart did a lot of organizing for the event.  I felt obligated to compliment her for her work when she walked over to my table, and naturally there he was, so shook his hand.  I hope I don’t have to do that again for another 20 years.

- I learned that a man has more rights by buying a firearm than a person born with a uterus choosing what they do with it.  More specifically, I learned that idea is now endorsed by the Supreme Court.  I’ve travelled back in time 50 years.

- I learned that slapping on the name and logo of a cryptocurrency company just because they give you money to do so does not mean the company is acting legitimately.  I’m staring at you, MLB umpires.  You look stupid.  Just let Angel Hernandez wear all of those logo patches simultaneously.  His look will match is competency as an umpire.

- I learned I am getting tired of driving up and down the east coast for holidays.  It’s cheaper than flying and Amtrak, but it is tiring and achy as fuck.

Today’s rant: TMNT2

The following is going to be an angry rant about cash-grab sequels.

 

The movie starts out with “In memory of Jim Henson”.  My initial thought is “Is that why the turtles’ heads look so different?  Because Jim Henson is dead?  They couldn’t use or find the old ones?  Because one person who may not have been the costume designer is dead?”

 

The movie kicks off with the eponymous reptiles thwarting the robbery of sub-level strip mall by a gang of nylon wearing goons, jumping into action and only pausing to show the title card in full display.  Already, I have some issues with this.  Firstly, I don’t know if you have ever gone shopping in New York City, but I have never seen an indoor strip mall, let alone one that is easily accessible with 2 windowed doors that is a half-story down from street level to the loading dock.  That screams of poor security or poor production forethought by the makers of 1991’s “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II:  The Secret of the Ooze”.  Secondly, harking back to the first film, Master Splinter explicitly trained the turtles and reminded them to strike without being seen.  Hence, the part where April O’Neil is being accosted behind the news studio, our pizza-loving heroes knock out the light before subduing the criminals and escaping back into the dank, dank sewers.  Why then, oh why, do they jump into action in full view of the nylon-hooded… I’m assuming Nazis because they are all white… and the movie’s new supporting character, Keno?  I can only assume that they were so pissed off that their pizza was not directly delivered, despite the robbery, and had to jump into action to retrieve it.  That is the only reason I can think of that makes sense.  They were not acting heroically.  Far from it.  They went there only to acquire and pay for the pizza they ordered.  Had Keno not saw the robbery vans and checked out what was going on, pizza in-tow, the turtles would not have intervened with the robbery.  So already, fuck those guys.

 

Now, off the top of your head, how much time do you think has passed in-universe between the first film and the second?  I’m willing to take any answer between 24 hours and 6 months.  Why 24 hours?  Because the Shredder is still alive after being deposited in a landfill from the garbage truck relating to his defeat in the previous film.  He is weak, possibly hungry depending on his willingness to eat garbage he is buried with, but alive nonetheless.  Why 6 months?  April has a new fully furnished residence despite her apartment and antique store shown in the first film both being burned to the ground.  I’m sorry, but I am not willing to entertain the thought that someone on a local news reporter’s salary can afford 2 New York City residences simultaneously.

 

The lack of weapon use irks me a lot.  Not the most, but a lot.  I know it’s a kids movie, but for fucks sake, even in the first movie, they at least swung the weapons around and tried to hit someone.  Donatello is the only one who used his weapon in an offensive manner.  Raphael skewered a slice of pizza with one sai and held them in his hands during an early battle scene.  Michelangelo used sausage links as nunchucks in the earliest battle scene and April exercised with the real things later.  Leonardo threw his swords into a ceiling to get leverage to kick a robber (again, earliest battle scene in the movie).  Aside from that, miscellaneous weapon use in 1991’s “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II:  The Secret of the Ooze” includes - and I’m not kidding here - a yo-yo, a foam-covered bat, and doughnuts.

The largest problem I have with the movie is the fight scene at the TGRI lab.  By the time the fight starts, the Foot Clan is already in possession of the last canister of the titular ooze.  Why, oh why, did the Foot Clan WAIT UNTIL THE TURTLES ARRIVED BEFORE LEAVING THE LAB?!  The obvious answer is to give the movie audience another fight scene, which goes against the logical plot progression of the villains securing the McGuffin of the whole fucking movie.  They risked failing their mission.  Staying makes absolutely no sense.

 

All this being said, I don’t know if I have mental stamina to watch “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III:  Turtles in Time” again.  I much rather play the Super Nintento or arcade game of the same sub-title.  New costumes, original Donatello voice actor (at least it sounds like it) with replacement Donatello aptitude for technology, their eyes are way to fucking big, Splinter looks like he had a series of defects in the cloning lab, and fucking time travel.

today's rant: bumper sticker

One night, my wife said to me "Can I ask you something?"  I said "Yes.".  My wife then farted, then followed up with "That's not what I wanted to say!"  I responded, "Well, it's a good thing I didn't have a re-butt-al."  I swear to Alanis Morissette, that conversation actually took place.  It's one of the best witty remarks I made in my life.

I occasionally get emails from vendors asking for me to connect them with others at my job to get them to buy stuff.  I love not doing anything with the emails, because it yields the best results.  By not forwarding them, I am not spreading potential bullshit to others at my job.  By not replying, they send follow-up emails a few weeks later, and thus they are wasting time chasing down a lead that will get them nothing.  You would be surprised by how many follow-up emails these people would send trying to get some sort of business.  There's no joke here; I just think it's the best thing I could do in the situation.

I am eating cheese and crackers and my dog is staring at me.  "Daddy, I wanna cheez!"  "No.  You shit on the floor and you are scared of the bell I got to train you to signal to go outside."  "Daddy, I wanna pee on da rugz!"

I got my 2nd COVID booster last Saturday.  I had a sore arm for 2 days but no other side effects.  No testicle enlargement, no bloodthirst, no butthole bleaching, nothing.  So if you haven't received any of the COVID shots at this point, you are the lagging edge of evolution and I hope nature cuts you off soon.  Do yourself a favor and go back to what your favorite conspiracy theorists were saying would happen to people to got the shots, then come back to our reality and count how many of those ideas actually came true.

I read a bumper sticker that had the "don't tread on me" snake on it, but the caption read "my rights don't end where your feelings begin".  This bumper sticker was right next to a "Let's go Brandon" sticker.  With that stupid piss-flag snake signifying a Republican car owner, I could not help but think that the phrase "my rights don't end where your feelings begin" would also fit just as well on a Democrat's car.  Therefore, the whole phrase is meaningless in the context of political affiliation.  If both sides can say exactly the same thing, and have it mean something to their base by implying the underlying political opinions and platforms, then they cancel each other out by being not explicit enough.  This is why I don't stop at calling conservatives "snowflakes", because they use the term as well.  I go the extra step and mock them for their discomfort for various specific things, like Lola Bunny's tits not being big enough.

I am more against the Dim Reaper than I am in favor of Biden.  I would prefer if someone else on the Democratic side ran in 2024, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen at this point.  I am still praying for a schism within the Republican party that burns the whole fucking thing to the ground.

When it comes to the riot on Jan 6, 2021, I have reached the point where I am confident that old Commander in Queef will die before any criminal charges are upon him.  Maybe the Justice Department should find something to charge his kids with in order to force him to make a 150-year plea bargain like Bernie Madoff took.

Today's rant: my holiness

I am giving serious thought to starting my own religion in order to have a way to get around stupid rules that local, state, and federal governments set up.  The reason is that a white, Christian high school football coach just won a Supreme Court case regarding him praying after a football game.  I mention the color of his skin and his religion because you can bet your balls if he was Muslim, that shit wouldn't happen.  Separation of Church and State seems pretty selective.  Other established rules seem pretty selective depending on sex, gender, born or unborn, race, bedfellows, citizenship, being a company, and other factors.  So why not I?  Why don't I take advantage?

There is no regulating body on Earth that says what a church is or is not.  However, for the purposes of US government recognition, I will be referring to the IRS guidelines.  I use the term "guidelines" loosely because not all items on the list they give on their website are required, but merely a "combination of these characteristics".  I will also be referring to the IRS because I like the idea of getting tax-exempt status.

One thing I would need is a creed and form of worship.  I would define my form of worship as logging into my Discord chat room at least once a week and saying "hi" to everyone.  The creed needs to be more thought out, but it would be pinned at the top of the chat room.  Here is my creed:

1. You can wear a hat if you want. (I'm defining any man-made item as a hat, including headscarves and unicorn headbands)

2. If someone does something objectively stupid in front of  you, you can pray out loud asking that Joe Pesci busts their knees with a baseball bat.

3. Life is not sacred.  You wouldn't hold a funeral for bacteria after the doctor gives you medicine for your infection.

4.  That being said, try not to kill anybody.

5.  An abortion is a sacrament, though not mandatory.

6.  Gender and sexual orientation are spectrums.  Any combination or permutation is OK and not worth less than any other.

7.  All claims must be substantiated with the scientific method.

8.  All problems must be solved using quality control practices, such as Root Cause / Corrective Action, 8D method, A3 method, etc.

9.  If you get a discount when buying something, such as with an advertised sale, coupon, or gift card, donate the difference (cash equivalent or food equivalent) to a food bank.

I also need an established place of worship.  Discord.  I also need regular congregations.  As stated before, once a week to say "hi".  I also need "regular religious services".  I think I can accomplish that with a weekly live webcast that people can join.

One thing I see on the IRS guidelines that I find particularly weird is Sunday schools for instruction of the young.  Does it have to be Sunday?  Why is the IRS saying this?  Why not Wednesday during lunch?

Ok.  Who wants in?

Today's rant: Jurassic Abortions

If you’ve never seen all of the Jurassic Park movies, and I have not, here is a brief but accurate summary:
1^st movie:  Let’s bring dinosaurs back to life and put them in an amusement park.  What’s the worst that can happen?
2^nd movie:  Let’s take dinosaurs off the isolated islands and bring them to the mainland.  What’s the worst that can happen?
3^rd movie:  Let’s go back to the isolated islands where the dinosaurs run free.  What’s the worst that can happen?
4^th movie:  Let’s open ANOTHER dinosaur amusement park and genetically create a stronger dinosaur.  What’s the worst that can happen?
5^th movie:  Let’s bring the dinosaurs to the mainland AGAIN and sell them on the black market.  What’s the worst that can happen?
6^th movie:  Let’s bring locusts back to life.  What’s the worst that can happen?

It appears that in some parts of the country, the rights of a gun-toting maniac outweigh the rights of a pregnant woman.  The argument against “murdering children in their mother’s wombs” seems counterintuitive with argument against preventing the rampant murder of actual living breathing people.  Arguing against abortion is not a religious, zealous appeal to a higher authority.  It’s a trigger to get stupid and uninformed people to vote.  Besides, abortion isn't in the bible.  And don't tell me that "murder" is, because God has never had a problem with murder before in all of human history.  God's most devout followers have been responsible for more murder than anyone else.

Let me take this opportunity to cut off the argument “what about the rights of the unborn child?”  Fuck you.  It has no rights.  It’s not born.  You give a corporation more rights than a fetus.  Life is not sacred.  Just look at Uvalde and Buffalo.  Viruses are alive.  Bacteria are alive.

What a wonderful time to be alive.  Let’s look at today’s life-cycle.  First, a mother can be forced to carry a fetus to term, which may have inherent health risks to said mother.  For argument’s sake, let’s say the mom dies.  Best case scenario, now you have a child with a widowed parent who can’t find baby formula on the store shelves because there’s a shortage.  Should the kid find the nutrition necessary, now we gotta educate the kid.  But for fuck’s sake, don’t tell the kid anything about the social nuances about biology, sex, and gender, because that’s too confusing for even the adults to wrap their heads around.  Also, make sure history class only covers the American Revolution, WWII, and anything after 1965.  Anything before or in-between sounds icky, and we just rather ignore that.  For gym class, kids learn how to duck and cover because gun-wielding maniacs have more rights than this kids mom ever did.  There is a non-zero chance the life-cycle ends here.  For the rest of the kids, work your asses off for $7.25/hour, or $2.13/hour if you have a tipped job, or go to college and sign your future away to your financial masters who will be sucking your paycheck dry until the day you die.

Look, can we just make a compromise?  Ratify the right to abortions, and in return, you get that stupid goddamn wall.  It’s not going to work anyway, but fuck it.  Take it.

Today’s rant: Belarus

If you storm the Capitol building then flee to Belarus, the last dictatorship in Europe, to avoid legal troubles, me thinks you have a hardon for dictators and a flaccid penis for representative democracy.  By the way, I am knowingly being gender specific in that statement.  Only a man would do that.  It is also very telling when 2 of the 3 US Reps who didn’t vote to stop trading with Russia are psychopath Marjorie Taylor Greene and pedophile Matt Gaetz.

Today’s rant: sex parties

There is a United States congressional representative from the state of North Carolina named Madison Cawthorn who claims that older Congresspeople have invited him to sexual gatherings and have done “key bumps” of drugs in front of him.  First of all, I put the phrase “key bump” in quotations because I do not know if it is one word or two.  That word has never come up in my life until recently, when it was uttered out of his grand ol’ mouth.  Secondly, the fact that he knows what a “key bump” is and I do not says a lot about him.

It is my professional opinion that the man is lying about the sexual gathering invitation in order to stir up conversation about him and against his Congressional coworkers.  This line of reasoning starts from 2 simple facts:  he is partially paralyzed and is in a wheelchair.  Please let me clarify, I am not implying that he is paralyzed to the point that his penis does not work.  I have not found proof that his dingdong is in disrepair, despite my due diligence (alliteration!), nor have I read anything to prove the opposite.  The man does not have children.  Therefore, if someone were to invite him to a sexual gathering, they would 1) need to already know that his pecker has perfect performing prowess, which brings up a whole host of questions as to why they would know that, and 2) know that the place has handicap accessibility.  From a practical standpoint, what are the odds that both are true?

Will Smith smacked Chris Rock upside the head because Jada Pinkett Smith did not find a “G.I. Jane” joke referring to her bald head to be funny.  Will Smith was laughing until he saw his wife was not.  I don’t blame Will for getting all serious only after seeing his wife didn’t find the joke funny.  Gentlemen, how many times have you laughed at something that your significant other found repugnant?  The joke may have been out of place, and the physical contact was uncalled for.  That’s it.  Let’s move on.

Today’s rant: Russia

I never thought I would say this, but Lady G is right. Someone needs to take Putin out.  I don’t care who, I don’t care if I never find out who, but he needs to get whacked.

I don’t know where all of these Russian oligarchs are docking their super yachts, but have you seen a map of the world lately?  All of Russia’s ocean access is where it where it is really fucking cold and not a big population density.

Donald Trump and Tucker Carlson are wiping Putin’s cum off of their lips every time they say a word. Their unwavering praise and support for a foreign autocrat boggles my mind. They truly do not give a shit what they say in public, as long as it is against a Democratic politician.

Hey, Kyle Rittenhouse!  Your time has come!  You want to protect property of a place you are not from?  Go to Ukraine. Put your gun where your mouth is and get your “patriotic” ass over there, cocksucker.

Recently, Donald Trump’s plane broke.  It is a huge red flag when someone who claims to be a billionaire is asking for donations to buy a new plane.  That is bullshit on a televangelist-level.

Today's rant: cute

I think it is cute that there are people who still hang flags in support of former-President Tangerine Treason on their cars and in front of their houses.  I have never seen such public devotion to an elected official out of power in the United States.  My reptilian brain sometimes think of defacing them, but then I decide that it is not worth the effort to commit a crime to bring petty smite.  I settle for standing, pointing, and laughing at these people.  There’s nothing illegal about that.  Rest assured, they deserve ridicule.  These people actively supported bigotry in power or were comfortable enough with it to ignore it and vote for him anyway.  Unfortunately, it’s not like I can ridicule half of my coworkers whenever I want.  I need to function with these people.  It’s a weird balancing act between with my morals and opinions on one side and my professionalism and career on the other.

I also find it adorable how Republicans are shitting their pants over critical race theory:  the teaching that racism is ingrained in American law and institutions.  That fragility over their whiteness and risk to their inherent power is so fucking cute.  Bless their hearts.  From my point of view, when I learned about Long Island history, I would have appreciated to have been told that mortgage riders in Levittown specifically prohibited black people from moving there after World War II.  I had to find that out way later.  Now that I know, I am not shitting my pants.  I am reconciling with that part of Long Island’s history.  That serves as a pretty strong piece of evidence based on my upbringing and exposure that critical race theory holds merit.

Want to know what is also cute?  Republicans cannot seem to decide on which manner of fraud they think caused Cheetos McHairpiece to lose.  Lack of signature verification, too many ballot drop boxes, ballots dumped in ditches, voting machine hacking, changes to the voting laws that were to advantageous for people they don’t like, Hugo Chavez… it’s a long list.

While I was driving to an Italian restaurant one day, I passed a home that had a 6- or 7-foot tall wooden sculpture of a cross on their lawn with a bald eagle on top of it and the word “TRUMP” written down the vertical part of the cross.  This is why, I’m pretty sure, that they have that part about the golden (or in this case, orange) calf in the bible, about worshiping false idols.  I’d be ok with this if it just meant that they wanted to hang Trump upside down from a cross while he is nailed to it and a bald eagle is shitting in his mouth.  Somehow, I do not think that is what they were going for, though.

According to “Futurism”, scientists want to use artificial intelligence to talk to whales.  I do not think that is a good idea.  I guarantee that the first thing they will decipher is “why are you killing us?”  As the dominant species on the planet, I think any intelligent conversation with animals will be very awkward.  Chickens would say “my uterus hurts” and “get me out of this cage”.

To all of the people who stormed the Capital building on January 6, I want you to know that your favorite cable news channel, Fox News, has people working for their network who will alter their narrative and actively deny what you did.  They are going to say the FBI, anti-fascists, and Black Lives Matter protestors did it.  They will disavow you.  How does that make you feel?  You know that lady who was shot and killed by Capital Police?  What do you think they are going to start saying about her?  She’s a martyr for you now, but given time, they will say she never existed as part of a false flag operation.

Now that I’ve said something serious to you patriotic folk, I am going to make fun of you, because nothing says “patriotism” like a “Camp Auschwitz” shirt.  I mean, come on.  If you are so patriotic, why did some of you wear a “Camp Auschwitz” shirt?  Auschwitz was run by Nazis.  They were the bad people the country fought against in World War II… only after we were provoked by the Japanese, but that’s besides the point.  Can you possibly see that wearing Nazi paraphernalia could make you look like the bad guys?  You see that.  Right?  Right?  Or you can just save us a bunch of time and just admit to us that you hate anyone who isn’t a white Christian?  Then I don’t have to ask why some of you wore the stupid fucking shirt.  The best thing to happen at the January 6 riot was a lady wearing a “Don’t Tread On Me” flag around her getting trampled to death.  The irony is fucking beautiful.  But in all seriousness, what the hell is with that fucking snake flag?  It looks like someone living in the back woods ran out of red and blue paint, drew a squiggly line on a blank flag, and pissed on it.

Do not get me wrong.  I have been pissed off enough at the federal government to want to just say “fuck it’ and start over.  That’s why the founders threw the “Articles of Confederation” in the garbage.  It’s not unprecedented.  The difference between you and me is the same difference between you and BLM protesters.  Their grievances, anger, and rioting are based on history.  Yours is based on a lie.  It’s a lie.  It was planted in your brains months before the election and steadily spoon fed to you leading up and way after.  Everyone was told “it’s going to be a fraud” months ahead of time on a continuous basis, and you believed it.  You failed to think critically that an orange alien that looks like an upside down candy corn could be anything by omniscient.  You’ve had your audits.  You’ve had your recounts.  Georgia had 2 recounts.  Yet you read these words and don’t budge.  You don’t care.  You are mediocre.  You are dumb.  You blindly accepted what your corporate-backed politicians and your dumb family members told you without a second thought.  You know what?  Go to Florida, secede from the rest of the country, and go fuck yourselves.

Today's rant: anal-ists

I think "senior analysts" and "senior correspondents" should be illegal news media.  This is not a freedom of press 1st Amendment issue.  Simply put, analysts and correspondents are not members of the press, so there is no freedom withheld by making them illegal.  They are paid for opinions.  That's not news.  It's not.  It's not news.  Are you hearing me, Fox?  CNN?  MSNBC?  Professional opinions are not news.

I think Biden needs to go back to whispering in the microphone when he is making a simple point to his political rivals.  I love that.  It's like he's talking down to children when they fuck up.  "I told you... this what was going to happen.  You didn't listen to me.  Now you twisted your ankle while walking up the front stairs to a building you were protesting in your stupid fake camo and Camp Auschwitz t-shirt.  Go get an ice pack, go to your room, change into some decent clothes, and I'll check up on you in a bit."  I want him to do the same to the anti-vaxxers.  "You know... I was going to open everything back up again.  All you had to do... was get your shot... like your sister did.   You had 5 months.  Now you're sick.  Now you can't go out.  And if you try, you're going to have to show proof you did what you were supposed to do."

today's rant: Florida

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is the Jeff Bezos of state governors.  His state has record economic output at the expense of the health and safety of those who work there, pushing them harder than is necessary yielding record health problems.  And Jesus Tap Dancing Christ, how many unvaccinated motherfuckers are living in Florida to still give the record number of state infections and hospitalizations?!

Goddamn, I don't like Florida.  For one thing, I don't know if you noticed, but it's too fucking hot.  How much infrastructure do you think the college and professional sports teams down there have to invest in to keep the players cool from spring to fall?

There is only one redeeming quality in Florida.  It's a regional Pokemon hotspot in the U.S.  It is southern enough spawn certain regional Pokemon, like Corsola.  That's right.  I am considering the only redeeming quality of an area that has had U.S. statehood for 176 years to be the fact that a Japanese gaming company made it special a few years ago.

I like Disney World, but I hate the people and the heat and the lines.  It's not fun when I can only ride at most 3 rides a day, even with a disability pass, and therefore need to stay in the sweltering summer sun and maintain my hydration by chugging water that is going to give me the worst burps and shits in my life.  I would rather go in the winter during a midweek, and I hate that my kids' schools don't do midweek vacations.  Besides Christmas break, they only do extended weekends, and every vacation is expensive on Christmas break.  Fuck that shit.

I have, unfortunately, been bombarded with news about Florida.  I have said in the past that I was trying to cut off national news, but this is unavoidable unless I watch Fox News 24 hours a day, and I don't hate myself that much.  I am oddly intrigued by all that is happening with Governor DeSantis banning mask mandates in schools and skyrocketing COVID-19-related medical problems.  I find it as intriguing as watching a fire burn.  I don't want to stop watching the fire burn, because it's fire and it's pretty.  I'm just going to sit back, wear my mask, and watch the metaphorical fire that is Florida burn.  While I am at it, I am also going to sit back, wear my mask, and watch the literal fire that is California burn, because California is on fire again.

today's rant: correlation

There is a correlation between white conservative Americans and:

1. racism

2. vaccination hesitancy, which leads to...

3. increased COVID infection and death rates as of July, 2021

4. idiocy

There is no fucking way that they are mutually exclusive.  I'm not saying liberals are exclusive to some of these.  I'm just saying that white American conservatism is DEFINITELY tied to all 4 listed above simutaneously.

These are the thoughts I have when I'm in a good mood and I do not want to burden my Facebook friends with them.  Hence, I put them here.

Olympic gymnast Simone Biles doesn't deserve any criticism from a schmuck like me.  More broadly, nobody deserves any criticism from schmucks who no absolutely nothing of what they do.  Take professional wrestling, for instance.  I like watching professional wrestling.  These people can do things I definitely cannot do.  I have not trained my body to be in the condition to be that athletic night in and night out.  I'm sure that shit takes years to perfect.  Now let's take this even more broadly, beyond physical ability.  Here's another example:  car mechanics.  Car mechanics know stuff I do not know.  That's why I pay them for their expertise.  Who the fuck am I to nitpick?  I am no more as knowledgeable about automotive maintenance than I am about mastering the momentum of my body to maximum agility.  Therefore, you are a lot better at your skill set than I am.  End of story.  Although, Ronda Rousey summed it up a lot better than me when she wrote that a person who judges others similarly doesn't know their foot from their asshole.  Magnifico!

Representative Jim Jordan loves to wear yellow ties and go public without a suit jacket.  I think that's OK.  At most, I would be willing to present his jacket to him with outstretched arms before wrapping it around his neck and chocking him for all of the stupid words and ideas that come out his mouth.

today's rant: the unvaccinated

If you are unvaccinated because of a medical condition that prohibits you from safely taking the shot, then OK.  You are fine.  If you are unvaccinated because you chose not to get one, then fuck you, shitbag!  Any time past May, 2021 to get your first shot is inexcusable.  States are creating incentives to get vaccinated.  They are giving away lottery tickets.  LOTTERY TICKETS!  I know for a fact that is what most of you stupid people spent your Biden stimulus on.  I didn't require an incentive.  It was March, I scheduled it, and I got it because I am a decent fucking human being.

You cocksuckers are the reason why people are still dying.  That is a statistical fact.  I shouldn't ironically read 5 news stories a week about people who refused to get a COVID-19 vaccine ending up on a ventilator for 6 weeks before dying.  Despite your retarded conspiracies, I almost wish this was biological warfare, because then it would weed out the stupid people who don't get immunity.  The only problem with that would be also the immunosuppressed, people who would be allergic to the shot, and others in the same boat would die from no fault of their own.  That's the whole fucking scientific reason for vaccines.  To stop the spread.  That's why I got it.  So fuck you.  I'm a better person than you.

If your reason for not getting the shot is purely political, god damn, you are fucking stupid.  Drumpf did "Operation Warp Speed" to get the stuff manufactured.  Just keep sucking his cock like you've been doing these past six months since he left office and just take the fucking shot.  Even Mr. turkey-turle Mitch McConnell says to get it.

Today's rant: the erection of 2020

Was there a widespread attempt to commit election fraud?  Absolutely.  Trump did it.  He was on TV all the time pitching it.  His phone calls were recorded of him trying to do it.  He was fulfilling his own prophecy.  Argue with me.

He called state officials to try to get them to change the numbers.  This is a fact.  When that didn't work, he tried to get them to declare the votes bad.  This is also a fact.  People who don't believe these facts are registered sex offenders.  That is the 3rd fact of this paragraph.  He had Georgia count the votes 3 times.  Fine.  Do it.  Count it twenty times.  I want the numbers to be correct.

I'm glad Trump went to the courts to try get results changed.  All that did was help prove legitimacy to the vote.  He won 1 case and lost at least 60.  The only way that happens elsewhere in life is when you are picking your NCAA basketball bracket and you bet all underdogs.  What I am not glad with is his celebrity giving him a voice to continue spreading bullshit and unproven/disproven statements.

I will say that November and December were truly hopeful months.  Every day, Trump lost again.  And again.  AND AGAIN!  It was the gift that kept on giving.  Every day that passed got easier and easier to ignore any fucking batshit crazy thing he and his cronies said.  Glorious, glorious clarity, I can hear my own thoughts again.

I want to know how many cocks My Pillow Man had to suck in order to be in a position of power in federal government.  He needs to be sent to an insane asylum and put in a room with the walls lined with My Pillows.

I do not like that man, Ted Cruz.

I do not like his right-wing queues.

I do not like his vote objections.

I do not like his clothes selections.

I do not like his hairy face.

I do not like him wearing shades.

I do not like his total mass.

That man, Ted Cruz, can kiss my ass.

today's rant: coronavirus

I feel like I have been living in a young-adult novel for the past twelve months.  What the fuck?!

I think the argument of "if we just closed down a week earlier" is a bullshit argument, because absolutely nobody, democrat or republican, wanted to shut down.  I didn't want to shut down at the time either.  Baseball preseason had just started.  Let's go, Mets.  We were forced to due to the exponential rise of COVID cases.  So republicans blaming NY Governor Cuomo for not shutting down a week earlier is just as stupid of a comment to make democrats blaming the White House for not doing the same thing.  However, everything that happened after the 3rd week of March is entirely Trump's fault.  Everything bad was exacerbated by federal inaction.  Argue that with me.  Just try.

I've heard arguments that Trump took "decisive" action to stop travel to the US to curtail the spread of coronavirus.  Those same arguments ignore the fact that travel from Asia was restricted.  Travel from Europe was not restricted so quickly.  That's why NY and the east coast got hit so hard.

If the former President of the United States gets to call it "the China virus", I get to call him "the ginger whispy pubes president" and his wife "the European First Lady", because they are simply accurate factual descriptions of where they came from.

Living in South Carolina during the first part of the outbreak in the states made me feel really smart.  The key demographics that I noticed at a store wearing masks were old people and black people.  Middle-aged white people, I observed, had only about a 10% mask wearing rate out in public.  Fuck, I live in a dumb demographic.  It got to the point where I was making angry Facebook posts about the record-setting death rates in the state, ending in "Wear your fucking mask!" with every post.  I offended a family friend who knew my parents.  I told him to block me.  He complied.  Hey Dick?  Fuck you!

I knew right away that we were fucked and we were not going to get a decent response from the federal government.  The messages they sent were:

- Wear a mask, but you don't have to.

- It's worse than the flu, but it's not worse than the flu.

- WARP SPEED!

- "Very powerful light."

- Disinfectants will work by injection.

That last one really bugged the shit out of me.  At first, I thought "No way Orange Julius actually said that."  Then I watched the replay.  And holy shit, he actually said that.  To his "credit", a lot of the repetitions by comedians and news outlets said he wanted people to inject themselves with bleach.  While the sentiment was there, he never specified which "disinfectant", so it was inaccurate.

I read a story about an married couple who heard about hydroxychloroquine from Trump, found out it was in their fish food, ate it themselves, got sent to the hospital, and the husband died.  GOOD!  Fucking idiots.

today's rant: what I learned in 2019

In 2019:

- I learned that when my daughter throws a bowling ball, it looks like she’s performing a Kamehameha, a la Dragon Ball.

- I learned how cutthroat a child’s gingerbread house competition is.  My daughter’s gifted program had a gingerbread house competition.  Translation:  a lot of parents built gingerbread things for their kids.  Some of these fucks cheated!  Graham crackers are not gingerbread, dipshits!  One family built a Death Star, perfectly round.  How the fuck is that gingerbread?  They served Little Caesars pizza for everyone who paid to get in.  I came to the realization that Little Caesars pizza tastes like what happens when the Pillsbury Dough Boy ejaculates on himself right before falling backwards into an oven that was not properly preheated.  Who the fuck adds muenster cheese to pizza?  Are you high?!  Absolutely nothing that sounds German or like “monster” should be near pizza.  You people should be ashamed of yourselves for inventing it.

- I learned that Rick Santorum appears on CNN.  It is really surreal to see Anderson Cooper and Rick Santorum sitting at the same table on CNN.  If I were Anderson Cooper, I would smack Santorum in his fucking face with a rainbow-colored mace every day he is on.

- I’ve learned my son must have a bladder the size of a thimble.  He interrupted “The Rise of Skywalker” 6 times to go to the bathroom.  “Mommy, can I have some water?”  And I had to respond, “I’m not mommy, and no, you shouldn’t drink anymore because we don’t want to miss the movie.”  Then he surreptitiously gets the water and shamelessly does the potty dance and holds his genitals over his pants like he’s keeping loose jelly beans in the wrong place.

- I learned what a black hole looks like, and it’s kinda cool.

- I learned that California will never not be on fire.

- I learned just how gaping wide Donald Trump’s asshole is from the rigorous fucking he gets from Putin.

- I have not learned what Brexit is going to do because it was delayed repeatedly.

At the point I am writing this piece, the US House of Representatives is close to voting whether to impeach President Orange Julius on the charges of “abuse of power” and “obstruction of Congress”.  As I have predicted, there is no objectivity.  Democrats vote one way, Republicans vote the opposite, so none of them really care.  The charges could be ridiculous, and the argument would be the same.  “The President stuck his erect penis into a jar of grape jelly, then returned it to the fridge.”  “No, he didn’t!  You’re just upset he got elected!”  Personally, I want to believe he abused his power, and I think he does ALL THE FUCKING TIME, but I need more proof than Sondland concluding to himself that Ukraine financial aid was dependent on investigating a political rival.  I need to hear more people close to the big orange talking head testify.  At least obstruction of Congress was proven, because President Cheetos McHairpiece told people not to testify, and is a slam dunk of a charge, but don’t expect 20 Republican Senators to care about that until a Democrat is in trouble.  It is much more likely that the vote will be split because the Democrats will vote for conviction purely for political reasons and the Republicans will vote for acquittal purely for political reasons.  Again, the only positive thing we can get out of this impeachment vote is to get everyone voting on the record and let history and the consequences judge the outcome.

If the US House of Representatives votes to impeach the President, that will be the 2^nd impeachment of my lifetime.  For people like my older family members, it will almost be 3 times, because Nixon resigned before impeachment.  That seems a little weird.  Two impeachments within 20 years of each other.  At this rate, we’ll be having an impeachment every term by the time my kids are out of college.

This shit is ridiculous.  My federal government has lost its goddamn mind.  It’s the same shit back and forth.

Dems:  For the sake of my children and grandchildren…

Reps:  There is no high crime or misdemeanor…

Dems:  There is definitely a high crime or misdemeanor…

Reps:  Duly elected…

Dems:  We don’t want to impeach, but we’re left with no choice…

Reps:  They wanted this for 3 years…

Dems:  He admitted he wants another country to investigate a political rival…

Reps:  Forget about that.  Closed door hearings we weren’t allowed in…

Dems:  You people were in those hearings…

Reps:  Forget that, too.  He did nothing wrong…

Dems:  He abused his power…

Reps:  No, YOU abused your power…

What the fuck is the “duly elected president” phrase that the Republicans keep shitting out of their mouths?  I think they want to portray the idea that he was “properly elected”.  They’ve also thrown out the figure that 63 million people voted for him in 2016.  Yet they ignorantly leave out that 66 million people voted for Hillary.  I’d like to remind everyone that the last two Republican presidents entered office failing to win a majority of popular votes.  I’d also like to remind everyone that 66 is larger than 63.  Just ask any 7-year-old.  Fucking electoral college.  Abolish that shit!

These fuckers aren’t human.  They do not require food.  They are cyborgs and only require a little bit of sterile solution to keep their outer shell spongy.  And in the end, despite hours and hours of debating and reading speeches that after 8 hours have absolutely nothing else to contribute to the conversation, absolutely nothing out of the ordinary of what was expected happened in the final vote.  Stage 2 is complete.  Reality TV show host and casino bankrupter Donald John Drumpf has become the 3^rd president in United States history to be impeached.  Seriously, after the first 7 hours of debating before the vote, doesn’t anyone in the House of Representatives stand up and say, “Seriously, why are we still talking?  We all know what’s going to happen.  I’m hungry.  Let’s vote, go out for dinner, go home, and masturbate.”