Today’s rant: TMNT2

The following is going to be an angry rant about cash-grab sequels.

 

The movie starts out with “In memory of Jim Henson”.  My initial thought is “Is that why the turtles’ heads look so different?  Because Jim Henson is dead?  They couldn’t use or find the old ones?  Because one person who may not have been the costume designer is dead?”

 

The movie kicks off with the eponymous reptiles thwarting the robbery of sub-level strip mall by a gang of nylon wearing goons, jumping into action and only pausing to show the title card in full display.  Already, I have some issues with this.  Firstly, I don’t know if you have ever gone shopping in New York City, but I have never seen an indoor strip mall, let alone one that is easily accessible with 2 windowed doors that is a half-story down from street level to the loading dock.  That screams of poor security or poor production forethought by the makers of 1991’s “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II:  The Secret of the Ooze”.  Secondly, harking back to the first film, Master Splinter explicitly trained the turtles and reminded them to strike without being seen.  Hence, the part where April O’Neil is being accosted behind the news studio, our pizza-loving heroes knock out the light before subduing the criminals and escaping back into the dank, dank sewers.  Why then, oh why, do they jump into action in full view of the nylon-hooded… I’m assuming Nazis because they are all white… and the movie’s new supporting character, Keno?  I can only assume that they were so pissed off that their pizza was not directly delivered, despite the robbery, and had to jump into action to retrieve it.  That is the only reason I can think of that makes sense.  They were not acting heroically.  Far from it.  They went there only to acquire and pay for the pizza they ordered.  Had Keno not saw the robbery vans and checked out what was going on, pizza in-tow, the turtles would not have intervened with the robbery.  So already, fuck those guys.

 

Now, off the top of your head, how much time do you think has passed in-universe between the first film and the second?  I’m willing to take any answer between 24 hours and 6 months.  Why 24 hours?  Because the Shredder is still alive after being deposited in a landfill from the garbage truck relating to his defeat in the previous film.  He is weak, possibly hungry depending on his willingness to eat garbage he is buried with, but alive nonetheless.  Why 6 months?  April has a new fully furnished residence despite her apartment and antique store shown in the first film both being burned to the ground.  I’m sorry, but I am not willing to entertain the thought that someone on a local news reporter’s salary can afford 2 New York City residences simultaneously.

 

The lack of weapon use irks me a lot.  Not the most, but a lot.  I know it’s a kids movie, but for fucks sake, even in the first movie, they at least swung the weapons around and tried to hit someone.  Donatello is the only one who used his weapon in an offensive manner.  Raphael skewered a slice of pizza with one sai and held them in his hands during an early battle scene.  Michelangelo used sausage links as nunchucks in the earliest battle scene and April exercised with the real things later.  Leonardo threw his swords into a ceiling to get leverage to kick a robber (again, earliest battle scene in the movie).  Aside from that, miscellaneous weapon use in 1991’s “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II:  The Secret of the Ooze” includes - and I’m not kidding here - a yo-yo, a foam-covered bat, and doughnuts.

The largest problem I have with the movie is the fight scene at the TGRI lab.  By the time the fight starts, the Foot Clan is already in possession of the last canister of the titular ooze.  Why, oh why, did the Foot Clan WAIT UNTIL THE TURTLES ARRIVED BEFORE LEAVING THE LAB?!  The obvious answer is to give the movie audience another fight scene, which goes against the logical plot progression of the villains securing the McGuffin of the whole fucking movie.  They risked failing their mission.  Staying makes absolutely no sense.

 

All this being said, I don’t know if I have mental stamina to watch “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III:  Turtles in Time” again.  I much rather play the Super Nintento or arcade game of the same sub-title.  New costumes, original Donatello voice actor (at least it sounds like it) with replacement Donatello aptitude for technology, their eyes are way to fucking big, Splinter looks like he had a series of defects in the cloning lab, and fucking time travel.

today's rant: bumper sticker

One night, my wife said to me "Can I ask you something?"  I said "Yes.".  My wife then farted, then followed up with "That's not what I wanted to say!"  I responded, "Well, it's a good thing I didn't have a re-butt-al."  I swear to Alanis Morissette, that conversation actually took place.  It's one of the best witty remarks I made in my life.

I occasionally get emails from vendors asking for me to connect them with others at my job to get them to buy stuff.  I love not doing anything with the emails, because it yields the best results.  By not forwarding them, I am not spreading potential bullshit to others at my job.  By not replying, they send follow-up emails a few weeks later, and thus they are wasting time chasing down a lead that will get them nothing.  You would be surprised by how many follow-up emails these people would send trying to get some sort of business.  There's no joke here; I just think it's the best thing I could do in the situation.

I am eating cheese and crackers and my dog is staring at me.  "Daddy, I wanna cheez!"  "No.  You shit on the floor and you are scared of the bell I got to train you to signal to go outside."  "Daddy, I wanna pee on da rugz!"

I got my 2nd COVID booster last Saturday.  I had a sore arm for 2 days but no other side effects.  No testicle enlargement, no bloodthirst, no butthole bleaching, nothing.  So if you haven't received any of the COVID shots at this point, you are the lagging edge of evolution and I hope nature cuts you off soon.  Do yourself a favor and go back to what your favorite conspiracy theorists were saying would happen to people to got the shots, then come back to our reality and count how many of those ideas actually came true.

I read a bumper sticker that had the "don't tread on me" snake on it, but the caption read "my rights don't end where your feelings begin".  This bumper sticker was right next to a "Let's go Brandon" sticker.  With that stupid piss-flag snake signifying a Republican car owner, I could not help but think that the phrase "my rights don't end where your feelings begin" would also fit just as well on a Democrat's car.  Therefore, the whole phrase is meaningless in the context of political affiliation.  If both sides can say exactly the same thing, and have it mean something to their base by implying the underlying political opinions and platforms, then they cancel each other out by being not explicit enough.  This is why I don't stop at calling conservatives "snowflakes", because they use the term as well.  I go the extra step and mock them for their discomfort for various specific things, like Lola Bunny's tits not being big enough.

I am more against the Dim Reaper than I am in favor of Biden.  I would prefer if someone else on the Democratic side ran in 2024, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen at this point.  I am still praying for a schism within the Republican party that burns the whole fucking thing to the ground.

When it comes to the riot on Jan 6, 2021, I have reached the point where I am confident that old Commander in Queef will die before any criminal charges are upon him.  Maybe the Justice Department should find something to charge his kids with in order to force him to make a 150-year plea bargain like Bernie Madoff took.