Daylight
savings time is coming. Happy
holidays. I don’t know about you, but I
am sure going to love the extra hour of sleep Sunday morning. We’re going to be out late Saturday night, so
I’ll take all of the rest I can get.
Since moving
down to SC, I’ve observed some couples have trouble with or end their
relationships, and I think it ties to a lack of communication. Specifically, a lack of sex-related
communication. Maybe I should pat myself
on the back that I flat out told my nesting partner last year that I listen to
the Vivid (adult) satellite radio station when the kids are not in the
car. It’s honesty. I even recommended a particular show for her
to listen to in case she was interested.
Without
names (because I do not have permission; it’s called consent, fuckheads), here
is some what I’ve observed:
1. A husband
told his wife she couldn’t be friends with my wife anymore because he thought
my wife and I were swingers and would try to convert or corrupt her. Wow. If
only real-life was anywhere near what porn makes it look like. They are now divorced because he was abusive.
2. An
open-marriage couple had problems when the husband was fucking someone without telling his wife. My opinions:
if and only if everyone knows and consents, then it is not cheating;
regardless of open-marriage or closed, hiding and lying is cheating. BE HONEST!
3. Another couple tried to claim “open
relationship”, but only after the male was caught cheating. I don’t think that’s a good basis to start an
open relationship, or any relationship.
If there is dishonesty going in, there will be dishonesty throughout.
4. Yet another couple tried to claim “open
marriage” but the wife didn’t tell her husband what she was doing with whom
when she went out. They are now
divorced. Again, lack of communication.
5. My wife had a former coworker’s wife come to
her about her suspicions of his infidelity.
The suspicions turned out to be correct.
They are separated.
Side
note: Why the fuck does it take a year
of separation to get divorced in SC?
That is retarded!
6. Polyamorous couple where the guy didn’t
disclose to all his partners whom else he was dating and the girl may have
failed to disclose a “no fucking in the house” rule to the guy.
7. See #2 above, except different couple.
Did I
mention I know a lot of people in open relationships? If you are going to try an open relationship,
non-monogamy, polyamory, etc., talk about it and agree upon it before you bump genitalia outside the
pre-existing relationship. After that,
have fun and maintain status updates on a regular basis with all parties.
And because
I do not give a shit about the last two guys my sister-in-law was with, I will use their names:
- Richard
Leland Garrett of Rockmart, Georgia was arrested July 2018 for driving with his
license suspended or revoked, last March for drug possession, last July for
DUI, and got into a car accident last August which gave him brain damage. Almost all of the information from that last
sentence is available within the first 5 search results of a Google search for
“Richard Leland Garrett Rockmart Georgia”.
Fucked up, ain’t it? The final
part about brain damage is from personal sources, so take that as accurately as
you want.
- Robert Turner
of Rome, Georgia is single again after breaking up with at least 2 women I am aware of and getting one of them preggers. He
recently punched a few teeth out of the mouth of a lesbian that refused his
sexual advances (I didn't make that up). He’s probably still
working at his father’s Domino’s. Judging
by his Facebook pages (I counted 4, but there could be more), he fantasizes
about bathing and gargling Tiger Woods’ magical nut nectar secretly wishing it
would impregnate him and being the center of attention for an Atlanta Braves
bukkake. Seriously, ladies, he is not a
catch. Do not feel bad for him when he
claims his autism makes him behave this way (Jesus Christ almighty, I wish I was making that last sentence up).
Why is
California on fire again? Didn’t this
happen earlier this year?
The
following is completely true. Since the
25th Amendment of the US Constitution was ratified in 1967, there
have been 3 times in US history where the President of the United States has
temporarily transferred their office’s powers and duties to the Vice President
under Article II, Section 3 of the 25th Amendment because of
colonoscopies. Reagan had one and
needed a subsequent surgery because of it, in which he invoked Section 3 before
he had surgery. W did it twice for 2
separate colonoscopies. On a side note,
Carter considered invoking Section 3 in advance of hemorrhoid surgery. Why the fuck is there such a correlation
between the human ass and the 25th Amendment of the US
Constitution?!
Being a
quality engineer, last Halloween, I walked into work wearing a collared shirt
with a Boeing 787 Dreamliner logo on it.
I told everyone that I was being a Boeing engineer for Halloween. I am a geek.
My job has a
coffee vending machine. It has a picture
of Wolfgang Puck, a very famous chef and restaurateur, on it. It’s a vending machine. It has the phrase “estate grown coffee” on
it. I have absolutely no idea what that
means. Sounds like it came from a
plantation. I will give Mr. Puck the
benefit of the doubt that he himself can find the ingredients and know the
methods of making a good cup of coffee in his home. And he looks so happy in his picture! He is holding a coffee cup in his hand near
his chin and his other hand is lifted as if to waft the aromas of his cup
toward his nostrils. He’s wearing his
white chef’s jacket, as if he just spent an entire two hours preparing the
ingredients (hot water and ground coffee) with expert technique. However, I’m sure that this vending machine
is the product of him licensing out his name and likeness to sell instant
coffee. I know this because using a
simple Google search, I can see that the front cover of the vending machine is
interchangeable with another generic cover that says “gourmet coffee”. Again, I don’t believe it is “gourmet”, whatever
the fuck that means.
If the US
military being ordered to abandon the Kurds from Syria bites us in the ass
later on, I will not be surprised.
If you eat
one of those trendy hamburgers that have what looks like ground beef but it
actually isn’t, please keep in mind that the reason why they call it
“plant-based” is because they cannot legally call it “vegetable-based”. Like that imitation crab meat, you’re
probably eating something like kelp sperm.
A few nights
ago, I was reading off the different kinds of pasta we had in our pantry to my
daughter for dinner. I came across one
where I started to pronounce it but stopped.
I said “We have penne, we have tortellini, we have fa... hang on. I need to run this by mommy before I say it
out loud.” Two minutes later, after
looking up the phonetic sounds of the word and consulting my wife about saying
it in front of our kids, I continued, “we have fagottini, we have spaghetti…” Yes, it sounds the way it is spelled. In all my Italian-ness, I had never come
across “fagottini” before. I didn’t buy
it; my wife did. Microsoft Word doesn’t
even think it’s a real thing. I told my
wife that it sounds like the name of a fruit-flavored martini at a gay
bar. I know that sounds bad, which is
why I stopped before I pronounced it in front of my kid before I was sure, but
that’s what went through my head at the time.
My family is
going back to Long Island for Thanksgiving.
While we are there, my mom wants to take us to see “Disney On Ice Road
Trip Adventures”. My first reaction was
“WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?!” I am
imagining a cavalcade of Disney characters travelling through rural areas and
entering their worst nightmares. Daisy
Duck is abducted in the backwoods of Georgia, where that banjo-playing kid from
Deliverance that looks like they didn’t add enough batter to the cloning
process of H. Ross Perot is strumming along while her feathers are plucked and
she is roasted alive. Goofy re-enacts
that scene from “Bohemian Rhapsody” when he sees a trucker give a seductive
look as he walks into the men’s room of a truck stop bathroom. Kristoff and Prince Hans of the Southern
Isles get drunk in Vegas and get video recorded doing things to each other with
Olaf’s stick arms and carrot nose that would make Anna and Elsa gag.
We are going
to visit my in-laws for the main meal on Thanksgiving, and my kids are staying
with them for the entirety of the stay while the wife and I stay with my
mom. We have set a pre-requisite that
there are to be absolutely no political conversations, in front of us or the
kids, while the kids are staying there.
That is going to be especially hard given that the impeachment inquiries
are taking place. I’m sure any slip up
will result in yelling and us leaving.
The
following is a thought experiment to prove that an actual impeachment trial
would definitely not result in conviction.
Hypothetically, let’s say it’s 2011, and President Obama is threatening
to withhold financial aid to Thailand unless they investigate unfounded
conspiratorial rumors that all five of Mitt Romney’s kids are running a very
successful brothel for Latter Day Saint little people (or Mormon midgets). Do all of the Republicans cry out for
impeachment for withholding financial aid while the Democrats cry out that such
impeachment is a sham? You bet your
fucking ass they do! Same scenario in
2019: a president soliciting information
to interfere with the election of a political rival. But when the roles reversed, the exact
opposite thing happens. Therefore, there
is absolutely no way that Congress is going to be objective with an impeachment
of Dumbo Trump. No one in Congress will
think for themselves. From the
perspective of maintaining political power, they aren’t stupid enough to stop suckling
their respective power-tits, and I’d love to hear one of them try to rebut
that. “Yes, I am stupid enough to…” If the issue of Congresspersons maintaining
political power through their parties’ connections was not a factor, this would
be a completely different scenario. However,
if I’m objectively OK with Trump getting impeached for this reason, then
logically, I’d have to be OK for Obama to get impeached for the same
hypothetical reason.
When the
2019 Nobel Prizes were announced in October, I saw someone on my FB news feed
asking if President Trump got one. I
responded “…only the prizes for Medicine and Physics have been announced so
far. Maybe he’ll get the prize for
Literature because he said, and now I’m quoting, ‘I know words. I have the best words.’” Donald actually said that. In front of a lot of people. Look it up.
You will never hear an accountant, scientist, actuary, or mathematician
say “I know numbers. I have the best
numbers.” And if you do, you hit them in
the head as hard as you can and you drag them out of the room before they
seriously fuck something up. Everyone
knows that.
I watched
the first day of publicly broadcast impeachment hearings. I must say that the two witnesses questioned,
Ambassador Bill Taylor and Deputy Assistant Secretary of State George Kent, were
keeping surprising within-scope of what they have knowledge of. They didn’t answering anything they don’t
know and weren’t answering bullshit questions they have no business
answering. That goes for questions from
both parties, because both parties have Reps that are clearly going
out-of-bounds with the scope of their questions. Obama this.
Soviet that. They weren’t giving
either political party many good soundbites, as they shouldn’t.
I love
watching a good argumentative dumpster fire.
Trump:
“There was no quid pro quo.”
Everyone:
“Who said anything about a quid pro quo?”
T: “I did,
because I have the best words. There was
no squid pro ro.”
E: “But this
transcript of the phone call that you gave out suggests that there was. See these words you said?”
T: “That’s
not quip quote bro. It was a perfect
phone call.”
E: “And all
these people were told that Ukraine would only get something if they did a
favor for you. That’s the definition of
quid pro quo.”
T: “Fuck
quick flo cro! Ukraine is corrupt and I
was perfect in withholding aid.”
E: “So if
you withheld aid because they are corrupt, why did you give it to them 2 days
after we found out you withheld it?”
T: “Fuck
you!”
E: “You got
caught.”
T:
“See? No blib mo mo.”
E: “It still
counts if you get caught.”
I must
reiterate, no matter to what degree Congressional Democrats can argue an
impeachable offense, I do not think anyone will make a decision objectively and
thus I do not think Trump will be convicted and removed from office. The best we can hope for is everyone getting
on the record what kind of presidential behavior they are willing to condone.
