you know what superpower i wish i had? i wish i had the ability to teleport matter from one place to another. just instantly *snap*, something is somewhere else. i started thinking about the different possibilities of such a power that no one else would think of. for example, if i had that power, i would never need to wipe my ass ever again. want to know why? i'd never need to take another defecation. all i would need to do is teleport my solid waste into the toilet or steaming cup of coffee of my choice.
i'd definitely use that power to fuck with people. for example, if i was in a corporate meeting with everyone else in the company being led by an accountant or manager, and i knew full well that they had no idea what the fuck they were talking about, i'd teleport my piss and shit together in one huge mess straight into the mouth of whoever was talking mid-sentence. "you guys really need to step it your timeline. our second quarter projections are trailing by BLEEEUUUUULLLLL!!!!" i'd cap off this extravaganza by acting incredulous, trying my best to make it look like there was no possible way i had the power to teleport piss and shit into someone's mouth, and then righteously proclaim "i always knew you were talking shit!"
2 1/2 months ago, i submitted a request at work to apply for a position at a different facility down south. since corporate took my position away, i wanted it back, even if that meant moving. well, last week, i accepted a job transfer that i applied for. yes, applied for. i felt like i had to reapply for my old job again. oh, what fun. i'm going to move to south carolina where my company build hondajet fuselages. these are private jets. very small private jets. we're talking buddy holly fuck planes, except with jet engines. until i start in south carolina, i am training in alabama with a banjo on my knee.
here are a couple of things i've learned while commuting to montgomery from NY as well as to work from my hotel:
- these people like college football... waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much.
- if you're down here on a saturday night, get to a restaraunt EARLY! i went to cracker barrel last night at around 6pm. i fully caught the u. alabama and auburn crowds coming home from games. i settled for domino's. i'll try again tonight.
- hotels may give you HBO, but it's all grainy.
- there is a shit load of hotels, and i have no idea why.
- waffle house uses too much butter.
- i'm surprised by the TSA's lack in interest in grabbing my junk.
- the fridge in my hotel room is very old and very worn out. i hear it running all night.
- it's a battle royal to use the power outlets at airport gates. too bad they check for for weapons before you get there. it would be more fun fighting for outlets that way.
i just saw a sodastream commercial that said "with sodastream, you can save 2000 bottles a year." that's 5 1/2 bottles a day. A DAY! who drinks 5 1/2 bottles of soda a day? fucktards.
