a few days ago, i read the most ignorant car sticker i have ever seen. it reads as follows:
god said it
i believe it
that ends it
where do i start? the beginning? good idea. "god said it." um, god did not write the bible. no. he didn't. it was written by people. i will allow the possibility that the old testament was transcribed by people from god's words, and that's stretching it a lot. as for the new testament, absolutely not. the book of john was written by john's followers. the book of mark was written by mark's followers. actually, even those books were transcribed and translated century after century by people of the cloth from language to language. quality control being as sticky as was in those days with a serious lacking of journalistic ethical standards, the bible as it is today is in no way, shape, or form an exact transcript of god's words dating back a few millenia. therefore, we can flush that first line down the toilet.
next up, "i believe it." good for you. i'm happy that you think you believe it. i'm sure you've come to terms about not being able to eat shellfish, not being able to trim your sideburns, not being able to eat pork, and plucking your lustful eye out whenever you watch porn. then again, if you actually did that, you wouldn't be driving a car in the first place because of your lack of depth perception, and you wouldn't have the stupid fucking car sticker at all.
finally, "that ends it." this is the line i have the biggest problem with. this tells the reader that the owner of the car refuses to be open to intellectual discourse or any possible rebuttal. they openly announce that they choose to be in a logical vacuum in which they live in ignorant bliss for all to point and snicker. the person's iq automatically goes down about 40 points with this proclamation of self-righteous disdain of the beliefs of others. i challenge this person to stand by their convictions and take the car to fallujah. let's see how long they last.
to me, living by this creedo completely eliminates all original, creative, free, or logical thinking. this goes against human nature and it inhibits any sort of social progress.
i've said it.
if you don't like it,
argue with me.
my wife 1 minute ago: "there is dirt and blood in my bra tonight."
Monday, May 20, 2013
Saturday, May 18, 2013
today's rant: bra-wnie
last night, my wife was adjusting her bra while in bed. the lights were off and our eyes had gotten used to the dark for a little while already. when she finished adjusting her bra, she noticed that something about the size of a peanut m&m had fallen out. she seemed very timid and asked me what it was, perhaps thinking that an insect (possibly one of those rolly-polly ones?) had fallen out of her bra. i proceeded to poke the item with the remote control twice. i then swallowed my nerve and ventured tactile contact. i picked it up and proudly proclaimed, "it's a brownie." apparently, a piece of a brownie she ate earlier yesterday had fallen into her bra. now i know where our daughter picked up the habit of having cheerios fall into her diaper. to top it off, tonight, my wife experienced another food/bra anomaly. just 5 minutes ago, she discovered part of our daughter's granola bar in her bra. she exulted the profound words "i knew my bra was itchy but... look, there's chocolate and everything!" i love you too, sweetie.
it is starting to piss me off that my wife is watching hgtv at all hours of the day. i understand the reason why she wants to watch the shows since we're getting a new house built, but the shows themselves are figuratively fucking me in the ear. most shows follow the same exact format. i don't mind shows and movies following the same format, as long as it is entertaining. this shit ain't fucking entertaining. every single fucking time, realtors take prospective property owners around and say "this first property has absolutely nothing that you want and falls well within your budget, so screw you. this property has everything that you want and you cannot ever hope to afford it, you cocksuckers! this third property has some of what you want and you'd have to put the rest in yourself, perfectly matching your budget. by the way, these are the only three properties you can choose from, which is nothing like real life, but you're under contract with us, so tough tuchass. since you're gonna pick this third property anyway, let's spend the other 17 minutes of this show just fucking around and telling the folks at home your pathetic story of how you met when you're getting married." every... fucking... time.
it is starting to piss me off that my wife is watching hgtv at all hours of the day. i understand the reason why she wants to watch the shows since we're getting a new house built, but the shows themselves are figuratively fucking me in the ear. most shows follow the same exact format. i don't mind shows and movies following the same format, as long as it is entertaining. this shit ain't fucking entertaining. every single fucking time, realtors take prospective property owners around and say "this first property has absolutely nothing that you want and falls well within your budget, so screw you. this property has everything that you want and you cannot ever hope to afford it, you cocksuckers! this third property has some of what you want and you'd have to put the rest in yourself, perfectly matching your budget. by the way, these are the only three properties you can choose from, which is nothing like real life, but you're under contract with us, so tough tuchass. since you're gonna pick this third property anyway, let's spend the other 17 minutes of this show just fucking around and telling the folks at home your pathetic story of how you met when you're getting married." every... fucking... time.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
today's rant: bad person burial
right now, i have a really bad stomach virus. i really shouldn't go further than that. why would you want to know that? i don't want to gross you out. there is no point in telling you good people how my asshole is bubbling green twice an hour.
i read that they buried the dead boston bomber brother in an undisclosed location. i do not think that is fair. i think that if someone commits mass murder in a country for PURELY RELIGIOUS OR POLITICAL REASONS (i had to highlight that just to be clear), then we should shame them in death. i believe that the 28th amendment of the united states constitution should state that the burial site of a person, natural-born citizen or not, who has committed mass murder against americans for purely religious or political reasons should have a monument on their burial state of the statue of liberty wearing a strapon sodomizing the mass murderer with uncle sam holding his head and fucking his mouth.
i am not trying to be ignorant or closed minded. i'm sure that the united kingdom wouldn't mind a monument of queen elizabeth forcing a dildo-shaped scepter down the throat of the london bus bombers with winston churchill drinking brandy and giving a golden shower at the same time. it would also be interesting to see a monument of a bull stabbing and bludgeoning the madrid bombers with their horns while members of the spanish inquisition paddle them on the ass with bibles. hey, if american journalists get beheaded on videotape, i don't think this shaming of actually bad people is asking too much. fuck 'em.
i read that they buried the dead boston bomber brother in an undisclosed location. i do not think that is fair. i think that if someone commits mass murder in a country for PURELY RELIGIOUS OR POLITICAL REASONS (i had to highlight that just to be clear), then we should shame them in death. i believe that the 28th amendment of the united states constitution should state that the burial site of a person, natural-born citizen or not, who has committed mass murder against americans for purely religious or political reasons should have a monument on their burial state of the statue of liberty wearing a strapon sodomizing the mass murderer with uncle sam holding his head and fucking his mouth.
i am not trying to be ignorant or closed minded. i'm sure that the united kingdom wouldn't mind a monument of queen elizabeth forcing a dildo-shaped scepter down the throat of the london bus bombers with winston churchill drinking brandy and giving a golden shower at the same time. it would also be interesting to see a monument of a bull stabbing and bludgeoning the madrid bombers with their horns while members of the spanish inquisition paddle them on the ass with bibles. hey, if american journalists get beheaded on videotape, i don't think this shaming of actually bad people is asking too much. fuck 'em.
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