- I learned
that when my daughter throws a bowling ball, it looks like she’s performing a
Kamehameha, a la Dragon Ball.
- I learned
how cutthroat a child’s gingerbread house competition is. My daughter’s gifted program had a
gingerbread house competition.
Translation: a lot of parents
built gingerbread things for their kids.
Some of these fucks cheated!
Graham crackers are not gingerbread, dipshits! One family built a Death Star, perfectly
round. How the fuck is that gingerbread? They served Little Caesars pizza for everyone
who paid to get in. I came to the
realization that Little Caesars pizza tastes like what happens when the
Pillsbury Dough Boy ejaculates on himself right before falling backwards into
an oven that was not properly preheated.
Who the fuck adds muenster cheese to pizza? Are you high?! Absolutely nothing that sounds German or like
“monster” should be near pizza. You
people should be ashamed of yourselves for inventing it.
- I learned
that Rick Santorum appears on CNN. It is
really surreal to see Anderson Cooper and Rick Santorum sitting at the same
table on CNN. If I were Anderson Cooper,
I would smack Santorum in his fucking face with a rainbow-colored mace every
day he is on.
- I’ve
learned my son must have a bladder the size of a thimble. He interrupted “The Rise of Skywalker” 6
times to go to the bathroom. “Mommy, can
I have some water?” And I had to
respond, “I’m not mommy, and no, you shouldn’t drink anymore because we don’t
want to miss the movie.” Then he
surreptitiously gets the water and shamelessly does the potty dance and holds
his genitals over his pants like he’s keeping loose jelly beans in the wrong
place.
- I learned
that California will never not be on fire.
- I learned
just how gaping wide Donald Trump’s asshole is from the rigorous fucking he
gets from Putin.
- I have not
learned what Brexit is going to do because it was delayed repeatedly.
At the point
I am writing this piece, the US House of Representatives is close to voting
whether to impeach President Orange Julius on the charges of “abuse of power”
and “obstruction of Congress”. As I have
predicted, there is no objectivity.
Democrats vote one way, Republicans vote the opposite, so none of them
really care. The charges could be
ridiculous, and the argument would be the same.
“The President stuck his erect penis into a jar of grape jelly, then
returned it to the fridge.” “No, he
didn’t! You’re just upset he got
elected!” Personally, I want to believe
he abused his power, and I think he does ALL THE FUCKING TIME, but I need more
proof than Sondland concluding to himself that Ukraine financial aid was
dependent on investigating a political rival.
I need to hear more people close to the big orange talking head
testify. At least obstruction of
Congress was proven, because President Cheetos McHairpiece told people not to
testify, and is a slam dunk of a charge, but don’t expect 20 Republican
Senators to care about that until a Democrat is in trouble. It is much more likely that the vote will be
split because the Democrats will vote for conviction purely for political
reasons and the Republicans will vote for acquittal purely for political
reasons. Again, the only positive thing
we can get out of this impeachment vote is to get everyone voting on the record
and let history and the consequences judge the outcome.
If the US
House of Representatives votes to impeach the President, that will be the 2nd
impeachment of my lifetime. For people
like my older family members, it will almost be 3 times, because Nixon
resigned before impeachment. That seems
a little weird. Two impeachments within
20 years of each other. At this rate,
we’ll be having an impeachment every term by the time my kids are out of
college.
This shit is
ridiculous. My federal government has
lost its goddamn mind. It’s the same
shit back and forth.
Dems: For the sake of my children and
grandchildren…
Reps: There is no high crime or misdemeanor…
Dems: There is definitely a high crime or
misdemeanor…
Reps: Duly elected…
Dems: We don’t want to impeach, but we’re left with
no choice…
Reps: They wanted this for 3 years…
Dems: He admitted he wants another country to
investigate a political rival…
Reps: Forget about that. Closed door hearings we weren’t allowed in…
Dems: You people were in those hearings…
Reps: Forget that, too. He did nothing wrong…
Dems: He abused his power…
Reps: No, YOU abused your power…
What the
fuck is the “duly elected president” phrase that the Republicans keep shitting
out of their mouths? I think they want
to portray the idea that he was “properly elected”. They’ve also thrown out the figure that 63 million
people voted for him in 2016. Yet they
ignorantly leave out that 66 million people voted for Hillary. I’d like to remind everyone that the last two
Republican presidents entered office failing to win a majority of popular
votes. I’d also like to remind everyone
that 66 is larger than 63. Just ask any
7-year-old. Fucking electoral
college. Abolish that shit!
These
fuckers aren’t human. They do not
require food. They are cyborgs and only
require a little bit of sterile solution to keep their outer shell spongy. And in the end, despite hours and hours of
debating and reading speeches that after 8 hours have absolutely nothing else
to contribute to the conversation, absolutely nothing out of the ordinary of
what was expected happened in the final vote.
Stage 2 is complete. Reality TV
show host and casino bankrupter Donald John Drumpf has become the 3rd
president in United States history to be impeached. Seriously, after the first 7 hours of
debating before the vote, doesn’t anyone in the House of Representatives stand
up and say, “Seriously, why are we still talking? We all know what’s going to happen. I’m hungry.
Let’s vote, go out for dinner, go home, and masturbate.”
