I am getting really pissed off when I go to a fast food restaurant, order a dessert, and hear “I’m sorry, the ice cream machine isn’t working.” It’s not enough that I don’t get my dessert, but that is the ONLY machine that continuously fails. Nothing else fails in the joint. I have never heard “I’m sorry, the soda dispenser got a rat stuck in the filter” or “I’m sorry, the deep fryer overflowed” or “I’m sorry, the grill melted.” You want to know who never, ever has a broken ice cream machine? Fucking Carvel. They don’t fuck around. It’s a goddamn shame that doesn’t exist in South Carolina.
So, what did I learn in 2022?
- I learned the phrase “Top Secret” doesn’t mean shit.
- I learned I’m a whore if the price is right. A coworker at a job I left 5 years ago texted me to ask if I would come back as a contractor for more money than I’ve ever earned before. I said only if the Quality Manager (the reason I quit) wasn’t still there. So here I am, losing at least 2 and a half hours each day driving roundtrip for the highest hourly wage I have ever been offered. It’s temporary, but the best part is I have the smallest learning curve I have ever experienced when starting a new job.
- I learned how to swallow my pride and shake the hand of a former bully. I went to my 20-year high school reunion and that was my least-favorite part. I had to do it because his wife and high school sweetheart did a lot of organizing for the event. I felt obligated to compliment her for her work when she walked over to my table, and naturally there he was, so shook his hand. I hope I don’t have to do that again for another 20 years.
- I learned that a man has more rights by buying a firearm than a person born with a uterus choosing what they do with it. More specifically, I learned that idea is now endorsed by the Supreme Court. I’ve travelled back in time 50 years.
- I learned that slapping on the name and logo of a cryptocurrency company just because they give you money to do so does not mean the company is acting legitimately. I’m staring at you, MLB umpires. You look stupid. Just let Angel Hernandez wear all of those logo patches simultaneously. His look will match is competency as an umpire.
- I learned I am getting tired of driving up and down the east coast for holidays. It’s cheaper than flying and Amtrak, but it is tiring and achy as fuck.
