apparently, my blog is the shit in ukraine. i've had 16 page views in the past week from ukraine, compared to 1 from america. i'll take that as a compliment.
um, to be honest, the whole ukraine/crimea/russia thing is not on my list of things to care about because i am trying to distance myself from having any sort of political scope, since "politics" is just a politician's word for "bullshit". therefore, i honestly have no fucking clue why i have 16 ukrainian pageviews, but please keep it up. just don't turn me into an attention whore like paris hilton, nancy grace, rosie o'donnell, sarah palin... the list goes on.
my wife has written a birth plan for her hospital. her birth plan is a list of medical information with long words having a lot to do with the lower half of her body that she wants her medical staff to know. i read this earlier this week thinking that there is no way that any bodily function that a man goes through in his life can even come close to justifying a list like this. the only thing i can think of that a man may care about as much, but still not even come close to being as important, is the perfect environment for taking a dump. with that in mind, here is my dump plan.
jonathan's dump plan
location: master bathroom, water closet.
floor temperature must be set to 74 +/- 2 degrees for optimal sockless contact.
seat temperature must be set to 90 +/- 2 degrees for optimal ass-cheek contact.
toilet paper: must be cottonelle brand, ideally with aloe, put on holder rolling backwards. a spare will always be available should the first be extinguished.
reading: three most recent maxim magazines must be available for visual consumption.
dumper is not to be disturbed for a minimum of fifteen minutes upon entering aforementioned water closet.
locks shall be calibrated once per quarter to ensure no stray children will accidentally open the door and be scarred for life.
scale readings pre-dump and post-dump are proprietary information and only given out on a need-to-know basis.
standard 120V outlet with power adapters for laptop and apple products will be available.
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