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Thursday, January 12, 2012

today's rant: quantum of solace sucked, originally 9/10/11

what does it say about myspace if there is a "login via facebook" button on the main page?

it took me a while to watch "quantum of solace", but i do not care for it much. comparing it to the other james bond films, i'd give it a two-tumbs-up-my-ass. in general, james bond movies are not my forte. each time i watch one for the first time, the plot is lost to me. from "dr. no" to now, i think the only movie with a sensible enough plot was "goldfinger". it doesn't make sense until i buy the video game and play it through once or twice, just like "goldeneye". at least i can get the gist of "bourne" movies no sweat. however, by the end of a bond movie, i have to replay the mess in my head. "ok. there was a car chase. don't know what led to the car chase, but there was a car chase. um... he is in russia. wait a minute, why the fuck did he got to italy? the fuck? who is that guy? is he a friend? where did he come from? where's Q?" but while i still have "quantum of solace" fresh in my head, allow me to vent.

daniel craig is a shitty james bond. yes, he's a death-defying spy, but he's also a pussy-whipped alcoholic piece of shit. sean connery is no alcoholic piece of shit. daniel craig does not smile. at all! all of the bonds have smiled. you know that awesome grin connery made when pussy galore said her name. i don't know why, maybe i have it backwards. maybe daniel craig just plays a shitty-written james bond.

speaking of shitty writing, why did they take all of the gadgets away?! where are the cars with the missiles behind the headlight? where's the detonating wristwatch? where's the paperclip[ that can unfold unto a parachute? and i ask again: where's Q?!?! i want some old brit kindly asking bond to return all of the badass equipment in pristine order. is that so wrong?

i did not appreciate the quality of villain in "solace", either. no sense of megalomaniac tendencies, no weird quirks or deformities, no nuthin. come to think of it, why are most of the badass bad guys the 2nds in command of the main bad guy? oddjow, jaws, xenia onnotop, that british tart with the knives in "die another day", the list goes on. "solace" had none of that. the bad guy was, in my expert opinion, a grown up version of golum without any testicles and the ax-wielding skills of a desk chair. in the end, he's still a pussy underling doing nothing to enhance the image of villainy of the evil-doers bound to be revealed in the later films (provided that the people who own the james bond franchise can convince a movie studio to make any more movies, since metaphorically, the bond movies have hepatitis C. nobody wants to touch them.) get joss whedon on the case. he can portray a network of evil like no other (see buffy and angel),

finally, what the fuck kind of evil plot was that? "oh, we're launching an evil scheme to take over bolivia's water supply." fuck you! where are the nuclear bombs and shit? where is the evil superweapon? look, i can trump any thread against my water supply right fucking now. want to know how? brita water filters, biatch! i've got like 500 of them under my sink.

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