today's rant: cena can't wrestle, again, originally 10/26/09

from time to time during the past week, i wondered to myself "self, how can they put john cena in an iron man match?  he is the least-innovative, most-predictable, worst-ever technical wrestler to step into the ring.  how can they expect him to go 60 minutes?"  i just got my answer from the wrestling observer website:  it was another stipulation match.  an anything goes iron man match?  that sullies the previous iron man matches completely.  story-telling through chain moves should be dominant, but has given way to the notion that the top draw can't do a greco-roman knuckle lock to save his life, so give him some props and weapons to use instead.  this is why i can't watch a john cena match.  it's physically impossible.  my bunghole collapses on itself whenever i do.

let's look at cena's ppv history this year:
bragging rights:  "anything goes" iron man match
hell in a call:  duh, hell in a cell match
breaking point:  "i quit" match
summerslam 09:  orton kept wanting to get DQed, cena's match contribution minimal
night of champions 09:  triple threat match
great american bash 09:  beat miz in 5 minutes.  put this in perspective:  this was shorter than the women's title match
extreme rules:  enough said, a stipulation match
judgment day:  an actual singles match
backlash:  last man standing match
wrestlemania:  triple threat match
no way out:  elimination chamber
royal rumble:  outside interference w/ HBK
i think the only match that he hasn't wrestled in this year is a bra and panties match.

face facts, the man cannot wrestle without a stipulation.  it's the only way to take the attention off of his in-ring skills, or lack thereof.  when he does, it is unmemorable.  this is the man who sells the most merch.  kids, you are retards.  spend your money on pogs or something.

what's more:  what else are they doing with him to make him seem better?  nothing.  he's dropped his title 3 times in the past 8 months.  what does that add to the product?  nothing!  NOTHING!!!  he should get injured again and let someone else take his mantle.  i'm serious.  he should blow out his knee and take some time in a wrestling school for a few years.  then there will be some fucking peace in the universe.