i hope you have a few minutes to kill, because reading this will take a while.
with this year winding down, the decade is officially coming to a close. i only think it is appropriate to look back at this decade in music. firstly, a summary of decades past: 50s music was good, 60's music was better, 70s music sucked, 80s music made up for that, 90s music started ok but ended up shitty. so at this point, if you're still paying attention, i ask you to reflect on the past 10 years of music, from the beginning of 2000 to now. if you don't agree with my folowing synopsis, let me know.
in 2000, nsync, britney, and backstreet boys graced us with their new albums. that should have been the warning for the rest of the decade right there. thankfully, eminem came out with his 2nd album. i still got it in my cd case. who doesn't love his classic line "you were supposed to love me, now bleed, bitch, bleed. bleed, bitch, bleed. bleed." i can't give it justice by typing it. um, some guy from rage against the machine jumped on the vma stage and almost killed limp bizkit. the high school musical that year was "the sound of music". my brother got really into papa roach's "last resort", linkin park, and creed. you can tell who has the better musical taste in the family.
2001, the trifecta from hell: nsync, aerosmith, and britney spears "played music together, if that's what you can fucking call it." britney decides to write her own songs. worse... move... ever. jeniffer lopez has the #1 single, #1 album, and #1 movie in the same week. coincidentally, i took a #1 on my tv when they announced that on TRL. a backsteet boy went to rehab. system of a down made it big. ah, glitter. what the fuck, mariah? what the fuck? as for napster, it was all downhill from there. pay for music? kiss my dick! on the up side, alicia keys came out. on the down side, we had another installment of linkin park and nickelback made my balls itch. aaliyah died in an airplane. high school musical was "barnum". my brother listened to linkin parks new album and sufficiently wiped his ass with it.
2002. x-tina shows off her dirrty side. who needs to listen to that song? just put on the music video, put it on mute, and just let your hand do the talking. kelly clarkson became the first (and best) american idol. the truly best part of this year was that it was the year the boy bands broke up. it only took until i got out of high school. i wonder whatever happened to "the story" the popular girls wrote about themselves and nsync... ok, i really don't wonder. maroon 5 comes out. the only downside to this year is that justin fucks it up for everyone with his album. ...oh yeah, left eye died in a car crash. (on a side note, radio stations, just play the mixes with her rapping along. otherwise it's just TC, not TLC) this, and maybe 2003, will be the highlight of the decade. depends on what i have to complain about '03
2003. we’ve got avril, evanescence, 50 cent, beyonce in her own. the chixie dicks turned out later to be right about bush. phil spector is arrested for a murder that he JUST NOW was sentenced for. six years? stony brook high c's are founded. boon ga dow! madonna makes out with brit and x-tina. the director who took the camera off the x-tina kiss should've been fired. michael jackson diddles another kid. norah jones wins grammys for reasons that escape me. outkast released "speakerboxxx/the love below" and got mad airplay.
on 1/3/04, brit got married. on 1/5/04, the marriage was annulled. 8 months later, she got married again. creed broke up in '04! yay!!! ...oh yeah, they're back together. FUCK! we lose ray charles, dimebag darrel, rick james (bitch), and any interest in american idol from here on out. lindsay lohan releases an album and ashlee simpson lip syncs on SNL. diddy's pederastic fantasy B2K breaks up and destiny's child gives us one last shot. i liked "phantom of the opera" in the movies.
to kick of 2005, ashlee simpson was righly booed out of the orange bowl. how did the woman make two albums that debuted at #1? jessica has never had a #1 album, and she's a better singer!!! what the fuck is wrong with you people?! green day gives us something to chew on. i know hardcore punk fans have their own take on the album, but fuck it, i liked it. kanye came to stony brook. the jury can't convict wacko jacko. high c's go to montreal. america was forced to watch the britney and kevin show. "rent" and "the producers" come out in the movies. to end 2005, k-rock in NYC (which is nothing but a krock of shit) announced that they were gonna have nothing but talk programming all day. jesus titty-fucking christ! want to know what happened? well...
welcome to free fm, assholes. that's how 2006 started. it's been downhill from here. how do you try to make up for the missing howard stern spot with david lee roth? the man belongs behind a mic on stage, not a desk with a mic. 4 months in, they kicked david's ass out and brought in opie and anthony, the last glimmer of hope NY has seen in years. we'll get to how that turned out later on. hey, bon jovi, I say you can't go home. that song sucked! D12 lost proof. OK Go's "here it goes again" is awesome w/ the treadmills. honestly, that music video was the best thing to happen to 2006. x-tina goes "back to basics", CBGB closes. if you've read this far without passing out, i congratulate you, because i now present WORST SONG OF THE DECADE: justin timberlake, "sexy back". i know it's supposed to be one word, but i don't give a shit. it's two words now. get used to it. i'm sorry, but when the vocals sound like someone is shouting into a toilet seat with a megaphone and the background music is only 2 notes, that deserves absolutely no positive affirmation. if you are near a piano right now, i invite you to participate with me for just a little it. on your piano, hit an "A" key. now, hit an "A#". repeat over and over again. congratulations, you just learned "sexy back". high c's went to rochester and oswego. i officially stop watching MTV.
in 2007, the 17-month abortion known as free fm was effectively flushed down the toilet and k-rock was brought back. after numerous program changes, guest hosts, lawsuits, angry letters, death threats, and bags of feces left on their doorsteps (on a side note, just from personal experience, never write a death threat while trying to fill 5 paper bags of shit. you will have an aneurysm. it's just too much for the mind and body to handle i haven't completely regained feeling in my left arm yet. if you must, take metamucil.) k-rock came back, and all was good. britney divorced kevin, and all was better ...until brit's vma performace. then she goes nanners. the whole year ended on "britney, britney, britney", fucking christ. i leave the high c's after recording "changing tides" w/ them. completely new lineup from when i left. what else? fucking high school musical, coke hound amy whinehouse. spice girls got back. anybody care how that turned out? me neither. sweeny todd, the demon barber of fleet street. from what i heard, MTV's music video awards show only had two categories for music videoes.
kanye went nanners through from '07 to '08. that's what he gets for being a gay fish. fucking new kids on the block came back in '08. donnie walberg goes from being killed in the "saw" movies back to being in a boy band. oh, great song released, "womanizer woma womanizer your a womanizer oh womanizer oh your a womanizer baby". someone hit her in the head with a baseball bat so she stops skipping. what the fuck is a hannah montana or a jonas brother or a taylor swift? FUCK DISNEY! the only good thing that should come out of those 5 is a raunchy orgy video. i think the fat asshole who started the "making the band" series, lou pearlman, was sent to 25 years in jail. look him up on wikipedia. his picture is his mugshot. classic. jason mraz has a decent hit, guns 'n roses came back... sort of. what happened with them?
2009 kicked off the right way, with chris brown beating the shit out of rihanna. i think rihanna is overplayed, but i really didn't have a problem with her until she stayed with chris brown. at least the radio stations did the right thing and stopped playing his music. not a fan of lady gaga. "pokerface" and "just dance" is the same exact song. paul mccartney is gonna be the first to perform at the new mets stadium, just as he and his other 3 friends were the first to play the old mets stadium. a few months ago, CBS got rid of k-rock, again. their answer? 92.3 now fm. fuck them in the ass with a lightsaber. their angle? "10000 songs without commercials." it doesn't count when you repeat songs, assholes. you are not z100, you're not even WBLI. you're time is dwindling. you're fucked. k-rock will be back again, and you will just be another used piece of toilet paper in the toilet known as CBS. what else? adam lambert comes out of the closet? that's news? fuck, bill o'rielly knew this before it was on entertainment tonight. we all knew it. it's ok. i wanted him to win. creed, go back to being broken up. no one wants to go to your concerts. "caller 9 will receive 2 free tickets to see creed! ok, caller 9. hmm. any minute now, caller 9. are the phones plugged in? ok, caller 9. how about caller 8? hmm? anyone? fuck it, the next person to call gets the tickets *ring* W-ASS, you've won the... what? no, i don't want premium long distance phone service. you want some creed tickets? *click* hello?"
comparing every decade going back to the 50s, this is the worst decade in music that i could have imagined. so whose fault is it? it's not your fault. you're the consumer. it's not like you had any choice in the matter besides listening to this shit. you could say it's the radio station's fault. you know something is wrong when the radio station your listening to doesn't have 10% of the amount of songs in your ipod. praise god for blessing us with steve jobs, who gave us the ipod. actually, i think you can focus the blame on one person and one person only: *drumroll*... timbaland. it is all timbaland's fault. all of it. he has to have his grubby paws in everyone's work. he has no originality. none. same riff over and over again. you're responsible for the worst song of the decade. my youngest cousin playing with her baby xylophone can do the exact same thing. give her a grammy. i will slap your forehead with my dick if i ever see you in person.
best song of the decade? i'm tossed up wit "hey ya" by outkast and "lose yourself" by eminem. what's your pick?
i would love to hear people's opinions on my year by year synopsis, positive or negative. may the 2010s be a drastic improvement, and may the force be with you.
No comments:
Post a Comment