for a little extra cash, my wife was tasked to clean up the bathrooms during the party breakdown. as i was doing the laundry, she called me on her way home and asked me what the last thing i thought would be found in the men's room bathroom stall. i said "a $100 bill?" she said "no. jizz. i had to clean up jizz." there is a legitimate chance that someone i pass masturbated all over the men's room toilet seat. on the off chance that any of them are reading this, i think it's only fair to warn you that we have taken a sample. look for me collecting empty cups and glasses to look for DNA samples to compare.
here's an email i received yesterday:
Your resume caught my eye! GEICO is seeking individuals with a competitive spirit who enjoy building and preserving relationships with customers. Your goal is to handle detailed insurance issues while providing quality customer service in order retain and strengthen our customer connection. Based on your background, interest and potential GEICO’s Customer Service opportunity can be your next and last career.
Why GEICO? Because 5, 10 or 20 years from now, you’ll be able to look back and see the impact you made on our company, our customers and our community. And you’ll see the difference we made in you!
GEICO offers a variety of career paths, performance-based promotions and a competitive Total Rewards Program featuring:
- Industry recognized, full paid training
- Medical, Dental & Vision Coverage
- 401K, Profit-Sharing and Flexible Spending accounts
- Paid Vacations, Holiday and Sick Leave
- Amenities and Perks through corporate and local partnerships
I look forward to receiving your application!
my reply:
Why the fuck would I want to work for Geico? Did you even read my resume? What are you smoking to want to think that my background has anything to do with insurance? How stupid are you? Did YOU even go to college? Take your 15 minutes and go fist yourself.
women should wear backpacks. wife, stop telling me that people can go through a backpack and steal things. men wear backpacks and shit don't get stolen. and no matter what you say, men do not get pick pocketed out of their backpacks. this is because they get pick pocketed out of their pockets. you wouldn't know about this because you don't have pockets in any clothing below your waist.
at least women have wallets, but shit is getting out of hand. women have wallets that are bigger but less expensive then some coach bags. my mind hurts just thinking about it. guys, our wallets carry everything ever needed, no matter what the situation. cash, credit cards, pictures, membership cards, library cards, cards of every type. there's even a card with tools on it, including a flathead screwdriver head, a ruler, a can opener, and a saw. a SAW!!! even after all those different cards, we still have room for a condom. that is the end all to be all. we need nothing else. ladies, please, i'm begging you, simplify your lives. you don't need a box of tampons, two of every pill in the medicine cabinet, a coin purse, 7 pieces of makeup for your eyes alone in a bag that can double as a weapon if you want to hammer-throw it at a rampaging jaguar. just get a fucking backpack.
for the love of god, why are there two live-action snow white movies being released this year? there's one with julia roberts and one with charlize theron, each of which are playing the evil queen. who would you rather see as the evil queen, the hooker with the heart of gold or a safe-cracking safe-cracker's daughter? i shall not watch either.
if yahoo is going to have a news article about the temptations suing some company over digital download royalties, then they shouldn't be showing a picture of the temptations in which four of the members are dead. digital downloads did not exist when most of these guys died.
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