Today's rant: lion

Fuck Cecil the lion. I don't give a shit. I don't care if some dentist paid $50k to hunt a lion. Beats the shit out of paying $50k to kill a human like in "Hostel".

I would love to eat a lion steak, get some food caught in my teeth, then hire that dentist to get the meat unstuck from my teeth. I'd give him a high five.

Whether the fucking cat was killed without a proper permit or not does not change the fact that YOU CAN STILL GET A PERMIT TO HUNT LION. LION HUNTING IS NOT ILLEGAL. And mom, no. The lion was not famous. Unless the cat contributed something to western society, like blowing Newt Gingrich or mauling Sarah Palin, it was not famous.

How sheepish are you motherfuckers who bitch and moan about one lion that you have never heard of before this week and do not even bother condemning all forms of hunting, fishing, and in general all forms of animal food and clothing like the vegans?  They and the animal rights groups, like PETA, are the only ones who have the right to say anything about the big dead cat.  As a comedian, Jimmy Kimmel should be ashamed of himself.

today's rant: emotional issues

for reasons that escape me, i received 170 pages views yesterday.  thanks for taking time out of your life to read my stuff.  time is precious, and i appreciate that.

because time is so precious, i am dumbfounded that people would waste a beautiful saturday standing outside the columbia state house... again... and get worked up about something that has no physical impact on the real world, like taking down that goddamn confederate flag.  is there a thought process that goes into organizing a bunch of shaved, tattooed, grumpy white people to go bitch and moan about something like that?  i am more pissed off at the confederate flag for tugging at people's reactions for taking it down than for its relation to racial issues. 

today's rant: superheroes & bedbugs

the TV show i am currently binging on is "louie".  despite the allegation that he masturbates in front of female comedians, the show is funny as fuck.

i am a fan of the darwin awards.  a couple of months ago, i was fortunate to find a story and submit it for review by the site's moderators.  they thought it was worthy of an honorable mention, as the subject of the story is still alive.  i did a little research on the person in question, and it is quite interesting.  here is some backstory.  apparently, the person suffers from paranoia.  before the darwin incident, he was homeless and living in a rental car he stole from florida.  the bank foreclosed on his home and he maintains a blog and his facebook page using public wifi at stores and libraries.  in his posts, he is adamant that there is a conspiracy covering up the death of his friend, which he classifies as a murder.  now, getting to the darwin incident.  he spent so much time in the stolen rental car that he attracted bed bugs.  according to cops, a friend told him that alcohol would kill the bugs.  so, he doused the fabric of the car seats in rubbing alcohol, sat in the car, and lit up a cigarette.  FOOOSH!  he suffered 1st and 2nd degree burns and destroyed 3 cars, including the rental.  mental situation aside, you have to be a pretty humungo derp-de-derp to think that lighting up a drag was a good idea in that car.

my daughter likes to touch the TV screen and point at things.  i have to remind her "it's not a touch screen.  it's not an iphone."

i think it is very important to read comic books and show superhero cartoons to children.  aside from superpowers, a lot of superheroes are very smart.  please note, i am limiting this list to marvel superheroes as i do not follow any other comic universe.

the incredible hulk:  nuclear physicist
she-hulk:  lawyer
daredevil:  lawyer
iron man:  engineering genius, owns his own company
spider-man:  teacher, owns his own company
mr. fantastic:  scientist, smartest human in the marvel comic universe, though his daughter may surpass him
dr. strange:  neurosurgeon
thor (jane foster):  M.D.
professor x:  geneticist
ant-man:  created his own atomic particles

today's rant: flaggots

in my opinion, the resurgence of the confederate flag issue is pure bullshit.  taking down the confederate flag from the sc state house does not bring 9 people back from the dead.  this act was purely symbolic and emotional, serving no actual physical purpose.

my wife:  "they took it down for the wrong reason."
me:  "they put it UP for the wrong reason."

what i love best is that the skin heads come out to bitch and moan about their bullshit ideology and wave their shit around as if they were in a gay pride parade.  the irony is beautiful.  they are flaggots.

yesterday, i saw two pickup trucks driving around with a flagpole mounted in the bed that had the confederate flag mounted.  look, i am not against individuals displaying whatever flag they want on their private property.  however, at the very least, they need to be able to take all the ridicule that rightfully and justifiably comes hurling their way.  if you like the confederate flag and dislike what you are reading at this point, let me give you an example:  i am a mets fan.  you are a racist.  i can defend my statement to every one of my coworkers in my place of employment.  can you?  take the ridicule, you pussy.

has to be a rough month to be a skin head.  first, state bans on gay marriage are ruled unconstitutional, then the toilet paper that they call a flag is removed from a government building.  the only thing that would put the icing on the cake would be if the rest of the country converted to judaism.  l' chaim!

Today's rant: state same-sex marriage bans unconstitutional

Celebrate marriage equality!  Watch lesbian porn!

I often wonder what types of clothes alien cultures are accustomed to. I speculate that there is an alien culture that wears neckties around their genitals.

today's rant: charleston

I live one town over from Lexington, SC, where the church shooter is from. For those unaware, it takes 2 hours to drive from there to Charleston. That is a long time to brood. I don't have that kind of free time. If I did, I'd find something constructive to do. 

I believe in the spirit of the 8th Amendment against cruel and unusual punishment. I do not think anyone should pay fines disproportionate to their crimes. However, I think we can allow some room for torture in the case of first degree murder. The first thing that comes to mind is the opening scene of "Quantum of Solace" where James Bond is strapped naked to a wicker chair with the seat mesh missing and being flogged in the testicles with an overly long slapjack. 

I love that a bunch of white people narced on him. Fuck him.

today's rant: perfect game

the only reason the title is called "perfect game" is because my last post was my 300th.  who can fucking believe that i have the patience to sit down and get this shit out of my head three hundred times?

um, i am not a specialist in anything to do with the NAACP.  therefore, one way on the other i don't care.  don't even bring it up to me.  i don't care who the bitch is.  i don't care what she thinks she is.  if you talk about it to me, i will tune it out and start thinking about how jenna jameson is converting to judaism.  believe it or not, that is more relevant news to me.  same goes for caitlyn jenner and the entire kardashian family.  i don't care.  you shouldn't either.

i'm back in new york for a week for vacation.  jesus christ, i have missed toasted NY bagels.  i saw "avenue Q" for the first time last night.  bless those puppets.

i have a serious question and i am looking for the answer.  why the FUCK do top 40 radio stations STILL FUCKING PLAY "i'll be missing you" by puff diddy daddy farty licky piffy party and "all the small things" by blink-182?  i mean holy shit!  one of those songs is now old enough to fuck without having to worry about the age of consent! 

today's rant: lindy

i still am able to receive local news from long island, despite living in south carolina, because i still have the News 12 app on my phone and their parent company, Cablevision, never deactivated my login information.  I can watch live TV on that channel if i wanted to on my phone.  a few weeks ago, they reported that a letter was found in the mailbox of a black family from my old town, lindenhurst.  the letter asked the family to leave the town because they did not belong.  if you research the letter, it actually used the word "please".  say what you will about lindenhurst racist white people, but they are polite.  fun fact:  at one point, lindy had a KKK chapter.  wonder if some skeevy shit still goes down?  i don't wonder.  i know.

last week, a 4 kids (1 of which my mother-in-law used to babysit) from lindenhurst were busted in levittown with 95 packs of heroin in the car.  THAT is the kind of shit that does not need to be in lindenhurst.  black people are not the problem in lindenhurst.  stupid, drug-dealing white people are the problem.

according to the american legislative exchange council in a "report card on american education", my resident state, south carolina, was dead last.  kinda gives you a warm fuzzy feeling inside.  well, i hope buying a house in one of the 2 best HS districts in the state pays off.  bet your ass i will be a part of how well my kids are being taught.  i give a shit.

today's rant: little genius?

i wish white cops would stop shooting all the black people.

my son has a shirt that says "little genius" on it.  as a man, i stay away from any child clothing-related purchasing decisions.  this was no exception.  he is not even one year old yet.  i think the benchmark for genius should at least be the ability to solve a rubik's cube by 2 years old.  however, i have found a way to make the shirt slightly more accurate with just a few changes to the lettering.  i've changed "little genius" to "little genitals".  you would be surprised how many compliments i have been getting by elderly people at church for being an honest parent and not a self-serving prick.  unfortunately, i need to sharpie it in after every run through the laundry.

today's rant: cleansing the gene pool

On behalf of men everywhere, I hereby state that I do not feel any discrimination against women who lactate. I do not, and furthermore choose not to take medications that would allow me to. Speaking from the logical point of view of "the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few", just because "men can lactate under certain circumstances" does not make them the majority.   Therefore, the Supreme Court and the ACLU need to re-evaluate their priorities.  Also, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?  firing a woman because she is booby-feeding and saying it is not sexual discrimination because men can lactate?  nationwide is not on your side.  i have never ever ever ever heard of an instance where a man has needed to have appropriate accommodations at work with human resources to lactate however many times in a day.  PURE BULLSHIT!

there is only one good thing about anti-vaccination parents:  darwinism.  eventually, the stupid genes coming from their crotches will be wiped from the face of earth.  in the meantime, the rest of humanity suffers from retards expressing their "liberties".  i think that their "right" to not vaccinate their children is akin to my "right" to shoot somebody in the head.  i can do it if i wanted, but it does not make a good fucking idea.  that's because of a thing called "consequences".  also, there is science.  fucking science.  facts.  numbers.  statistics.

in my opinion, the progress of humankind is more important that the civil liberties of a minority that negatively affects the vast majority.  therefore, we should rebuild the titanic and stuff it from stem to stern with the following people:
anti-vaxers
evolution deniers
holocaust deniers
scientologists
the westboro baptist church
the kkk
cast of "the view"
fox news
nancy grace
lobbyists
the entire discovery channel
we need to send them across the pacific ocean.  half way, we air-drop a cargo container full of hand grenades.  when they get to hawaii, we turn them toward alaska.  half way, we air-drop a cargo container full of old computers running Windows 95.  when they get to alaska, we turn them back to the continental U.S.  half way, we air-drop a cargo container full of panthers.  when they get back, the survivors are put on a 2-hour live special of "whose line is it anyway".  if they're not funny, wayne brady blows their brains with a sniper rifle.

Today's rant: care bears

We are attempting to get our daughter into watching "Care Bears" at my wife's wish and bemusement. The current episode on has them spoofing "Star Trek", as some old cartoons have been known to do. As someone who is watching the old episodes on Hulu, I must say "I am appauled".  So here I go: I am appauled.

There are five Care Bears on their ship. How is that enough crew members?  Who prepares dinner? Beastly and Shrieky attempt to kidnap the Care Bears and take their ship. They achieved the former, but were utterly unprepared for the latter. Seems a bit sloppy. Should not they have thought of that before stowing away? A small alien ate all their food, and they blamed the pig. That is fucking racist! (Feel free to offer examples of how "Star Trek" was sexist and racist)

As an update to my previous post, I am proud to say that even my wife's doctor thinks Caillou is a faggot.  I heard a rumor recent that Caillou had cancer. My eyes lit up.  I swear to you,  I said "That's awesome!" in front of my manager when I heard that. That is how much I hate Caillou.

today's rant: my daughter's tv shows

at our house, we've stopped paying for cable.  instead, we've started paying for netflix and hulu.  the reason behind the decision is that we discovered we were not really watching a lot of live tv anymore.  now we can watch whatever we want whenever we want, except for live sports.  however, we don't get NY sports in south carolina, so we'd be fucked anyway.

i've started taking notice of all the kids shows that my daughter watches on both hulu and netflix.  since i have to watch her constantly after i get off of work, i have to be in charge of what she watches.  the following is a list of shows that she watches, as well as my take on them.

"fraggle rock".  words cannot describe how happy it makes me that she likes "fraggle rock"  i am 5 years old all over again.
"doozers".  this is a hulu-exclusive CGI spin-off of "fraggle rock" that is supposed to teach problem-solving.  like many kid shows, some of the things they say are repetitive to the point i want to take a fork and shove it in my ear.  i fail to understand their obsession with radishes.
"super why".  they go into stories with their "super-duper computer" to find the "super story answer" to their "super big problem".  90% of the time, it is NOT a super big problem.  a lost pet is.  wondering why your parents are being sneaky on your birthday is not.  get your priorities straight.  also, for some reason, every time i hear "super-duper computer" and "super story answer", in my head, it sounds like "motherfucking computer" and "motherfucking answer" just because they have the same number of syllables.  what really gets me is that they stop everything that they are doing in order to solve the club house to solve the problem.  meanwhile, in the time spent away from the problem, chances are people walk away, an animal would die of starvation, wanton destruction would occur, or people would get bored and do something else.  seriously, would you wait 20 minutes for the kids to come back and learn their lesson?  FUCK NO!  YOU'VE GOT SHIT TO DO!
"caillou".  FUCK CAILLOU!  that little 4-year-old is a fucking little-ass pussy, always complaining like a bitch.  "i don't want to".  "i want to sleep in your bed".  "there's a scratchy monster".  if i were that kid's dad, i would shout my head off.  "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK, YOU LITTLE SHIT!  GET THE FUCK TO SLEEP!  THAT'S THE SECOND TIME YOU INTERRUPTED ME AND YOUR MOM FUCKING!  I CAN'T KEEP A HARD-ON LIKE THIS!  IF I CAN'T GET IT BACK UP, I'M KICKING YOUR TEETH OUT!"  i must explain the next part before i type it, so my readers understand:  i don't use the word "faggot" to describe gay people in any way, shape, or form.  that being said, caillou is a little faggot.
"bubble guppies".  i can tolerate this show because the theme is catchy.

today's rant: college humor "most american" list

this rant serves as a sharing of personal results and a review of the available choices with some critique of collegehumor.com's "the most american thing ever" poll.  i am not knocking collegehumor.com because i enjoy their polls.  it's just a critique over some choices.

my top five were 1.  american football, 2.  barbeque, 3.  huge food portions, 4.  childhood obesity, and 5.  the simpsons.

the following is a list of the other items on the poll in order of most popular to least popular thus far in the poll:

the american flag.  kind of a gimme.
excessive patriotism.  well, i don't think that is exclusive to america.  germans in WWII were pretty patriotic, too.
guns.  definately not only in america.  would you tell a mexican drug cartel or a north korean how american they were sporting their guns?
invading countries that have oil.  wasn't that what the crusades were?  they just didn't know they countries had oil or how useful petroleum was.
bald eagles.  yeah.
the nfl.  fuck yeah.
mcdonalds.  they have mcdonalds in india, where they worship cows.
the bill of rights.  the magna carta was written in 1215.  england beat us to it.
thanksgiving.  yeah, that's ours.
baseball.  well, they play it in japan too.
consumerism.  paint a target on uncle sam's back.  that one is dead on.
teddy roosevelt.  not only is he american.  he's a new yorker.  double points.
nukes.  yes, that's all us.  just ask hiroshima and nagasaki
coca-cola.  they make it also in mexico and south america.  so it depends on your definition of "american".
country music.  i don't know 'cause i've never listened to it.
fried things.  no.  zeppoles are italian.  boom, baby!
huge explosion-filled summer movies.  yeah.  we get that one.
ford pickup trucks.  that's a "yes".
actually, the next few are all yeses.  hollywood, john wayne, las vegas, child beauty pageants.
hot dogs.  hot dogs are sausages.  sausages are european.
the grand canyon.  unless we outsourced it to china without the rest of the world knowing, then yes.
reality TV.  pop idol came before american idol.  in fact, the UK came up with a lot of reality ideas before they aired in the US.
harley davidsons.  i am not bike-curious, so i don't know.
winning.  check the world cup.  i don't think so.  besides, americans hate booboozellas.
freedom fries.  the name itself is american.  that may be enough.
fried oreos.  put that on a pizza and we've got some all-american cuisine.
"wrestling".  they have pro wrestling in mexico and japan, too.
disney world.  if it was just disney, i'd say yes.  but the parks are international.
christmas.  this is the first one that i have to say "fuck no".  all americans can say is that we made christmas insane.
state fairs.  meh.
creationism.  any country with a king james bible can claim creationism.
john deere.  it's so american, that they had to make laws banning it on the interstates.
fireworks.  again, fuck no.  they are chinese.
remembering the alamo.  i'm not a texan.
boubon.  i'm not a heavy drinker.
root beer.  i'm not a light drinker, either.
comic books.  let's ask captain america.
putting dogs in costumes.  i don't actively search for this on google, but maybe.
ellis island.  it can see new york's statue of liberty's taint from where it floats.  hell yes.
ranch dressing.  maybe
child stars.  meh, don't care.

someone at work told me that i make a big deal over every little thing i inspect and tell my manager about any problem i have with someone's work.  well, i'm sorry.  you're right.  we are still in kindergarten and i have to be sensitive of people's feelings.  it's not like these airplanes we are building have to be approved by the faa.  oh fucking wait.  they do!  and these things are going... in the air!  so excuse me if i'm serious about keeping an airplane from falling apart.  it's my stamp and my signature on the faa paperwork.  that means that if that plane crashes and it's my fault for letting a problem go, i... go... to... fucking... jail.  i am not knocking you.  you do a good job, but i am not changing the way i do my work just because you think i'm an asshole unless someone higher than me tells me to change how i do my work.  i know i'm an asshole, but other people's feelings do not change customer specifications or faa regulations.  deal with it.

today's rant: british boy bands, top 20

for reasons that still escape me, most of my rant page views continue to come from ukraine.  if anyone who lives there can explain that to me, i would greatly appreciate that.  by the way, when i say "most of my page views", i mean that i got 10 page views from there in the past 2 weeks.  hardly anybody reads my shit.

15 years later, and boy bands are starting to make a comeback.  this time, they are all from the UK.  personally, i do not really have a problem with that.  why?  because i do not mind prepubescent girls channeling their hormones at something they will never, ever get their hands on.  sure as fuck beats channeling all that energy onto a living, breathing prepubescent male.  everyone knows that's how cooties are spread.  i am only saying this as a parent.  for the young boys who have to deal with girls listening to these groups, they gotta be thinking "those fucking faggots!" because of all the tail they are missing out on.

i've mentioned this before in a previous rant, but it bears repeating.  when i was in high school, there was a clique of popular girls who used to pass around "the story".  "the story" was a notebook detailing the fictionalized adventures of nsync and those girls.  every day, the pages would continue to fill.  i wonder what their boyfriends thought about it.  i do not have any account of the specifics of what they wrote.  back then, i had abso-fucking-lutely no idea what when through a 17-year-old girls head.  still don't.  i guess i will find out in 15 years.

i would respect these groups as musicians if the recording producers bothered to make the song sound like there were more than only two voices present.  at least backstreet would occasionally let kevin richardson sing a couple of bars by himself.  and the only time i was ever able to discern lance bass' voice from the rest of an nsync song was when they sang a cappella or when they did a 5-part breakdown like "i-i-i-i-i i want you back" or "it's gonna-gonna-gonna-gonna-gonna..."  you get my drift.  and yes, it is fucked up for a 30-year-old father of two to describe the semantics of all-male harmonies of boy bands.  it comes with the territory of being a former a cappella group member.  the point is that if there are five voices, i should be able to hear five voices.  it is the same reason why destiny's child never worked with 4 members and why the pussycat dolls did not work at all.  might as well call them "the beyonce lift-off point with special guest kelly rowland" and "the nicole scherzinger show".

continuing my iHateRadio campaign, i was listening to clear channel's new york poster boy, elvis durran, this morning on a syndicated program that reaches all the way to SC with shakira counting down the top 20 iHeartRadio songs of the week while driving to weight watchers this morning.  let's make one thing clear:  iHeartRadio is nothing but a front for the (symbolically) drug dealers knows as clear channel broadcasting, who do nothing except force-feed our innocent ears with they music that they think we should be listening to in order for them to sell more records, buy their advertisers products, pay for tickets to their concerts, and watch their award shows.  CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT?!  THEY MADE UP THEIR OWN AWARD SHOW!  WHAT THE FUCK?!  THEY ARE GIVING OUT AWARDS TO MUSICIANS THAT THEY ARE FORCING US TO LISTEN TO!  "oh, this was the most listened to musician all year."  NO FUCKING SHIT!  YOU PLAYED THEM THE MOST, YOU STUPID MOTHER FUCKERS!  ...anyhow, the following thought occurred to me as they were counting down:  if your top 20 favorite songs are the same as the songs on this list, kill yourself.  you're better off listening to st. peter detail every time you masturbated.

today's rant: XPired

Microsoft has announced that it will stop supporting XP. Fuck! Now my PC is going to be even more vulnerable to viruses and shit. I guess now I kinda have to upgrade my OS to something like Windows 7.

I built my PC in 2007 as a college graduation present to myself. Since then, I have changed out the RAM and the screen. That's it. I installed XP because fuckin Vista was not compatible with half of the hardware I installed.  Guess what problem I may run into upgrading my OS now?!

I am happy Bryan Danielson came out on top at Wrestlemania XXX. I watched him in person while he was in ROH and am glad attained a great following. I saw him win the ROH title from james gibson/jamie noble, i saw him beat takeshi morishima in the head with a chain wrapped around his elbow, and I saw his farewell match with nigel mcguinness.  He is the reason I entered my wedding reception with the dj playing "the final countdown".  Mr. Danielson, may I suggest doing the same at your upcoming wedding?

Did you know that they make bacon-flavored lube? Awesome! It is true what they say: bacon goes with everything.

Ultimate Warrior dying right after he came back on TV is kinda fucked up.  Wonder what the cause of death will be.

My daughter would not stop watching Pentatonix youtube vids last night. I guess we converted her. Maybe I'll show her the old 90s Rockapella vids next.

I am a whore for old navy. Just look at all my jeans and sweatshirts.

As a stock holder of Domino's Pizza, I think I should be entitled to a free pizza every fiscal quarter as part of the stock dividend.

today's rant: what's popular?

for some reason, my "seinfeld and santorum" rant has been the most viewed yet.  i'm guessing it's because santorum was a popular asshole and came up with some fucked up things to say that it generated some google search results.  so does that mean i have to rant and rave about truly hot-buttom topics and fads?  hmm...

gangnam style selfies mcconnelling planking how i met your mother finale philip seymore hoffman is dead obamacare malaysia airplane mets blew it again rand paul fox news cnn jennifer lawrence teenage mutant ninja turtles captain america days of future past.

let's see of that works.

my wife starting singing "there was a farmer, had a dog, and e-i-e-i-o."  she may claim pregnancy brain.  wrong song, sweetie.

wrestlemania is next week.  this year, i will not be watching an illegal stream of the pay-per-view because i don't know which live stream website i visited that got me hacked.  therefore, i will visit none.  fuck that shit.  a person should be able to watch an illegal stream of proprietary sports broadcasting free and clear of legal consequences and malicious cookies.

since the powers that be in wwe have dangled the carrot of bryan danielson (daniel bryan) possibly winning the main event since he'd have to wrestle twice, that pretty much guaranteed people buying into the pay-per-view.  that's all they need.  paul levesque (triple h) could pin him in three seconds and it wouldn't make a difference in how many bought the show. 

today's rant: birth plan

apparently, my blog is the shit in ukraine.  i've had 16 page views in the past week from ukraine, compared to 1 from america.  i'll take that as a compliment.

um, to be honest, the whole ukraine/crimea/russia thing is not on my list of things to care about because i am trying to distance myself from having any sort of political scope, since "politics" is just a politician's word for "bullshit".  therefore, i honestly have no fucking clue why i have 16 ukrainian pageviews, but please keep it up.  just don't turn me into an attention whore like paris hilton, nancy grace, rosie o'donnell, sarah palin... the list goes on.

my wife has written a birth plan for her hospital.  her birth plan is a list of medical information with long words having a lot to do with the lower half of her body that she wants her medical staff to know.  i read this earlier this week thinking that there is no way that any bodily function that a man goes through in his life can even come close to justifying a list like this.  the only thing i can think of that a man may care about as much, but still not even come close to being as important, is the perfect environment for taking a dump.  with that in mind, here is my dump plan.

jonathan's dump plan

location:  master bathroom, water closet.
floor temperature must be set to 74 +/- 2 degrees for optimal sockless contact.
seat temperature must be set to 90 +/- 2 degrees for optimal ass-cheek contact.
toilet paper:  must be cottonelle brand, ideally with aloe, put on holder rolling backwards.  a spare will always be available should the first be extinguished.
reading:  three most recent maxim magazines must be available for visual consumption.
dumper is not to be disturbed for a minimum of fifteen minutes upon entering aforementioned water closet.
locks shall be calibrated once per quarter to ensure no stray children will accidentally open the door and be scarred for life.
scale readings pre-dump and post-dump are proprietary information and only given out on a need-to-know basis.
standard 120V outlet with power adapters for laptop and apple products will be available.

today's rant: new car

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

today's rant: touchless bathroom

in 1996, i first set eyes on a self-flushing toilet.  my reaction was about the same as beavis and butthead's reaction when they saw a bunch in the public restroom when they saw old faithful in "beavis and butthead do america".  over the past 18 years, touchless technology has evolved in public restrooms.  since the 90s, we now see motion sensors on sinks, soap dispensers, paper towel dispensers, automatic hand dryers, and even the doors open by themselves for the handicapped.  i am waiting for the logical next step where robots just pull down our pants for us.

come to think of it, would it not logically have made more sense just to create that first?  i think the main reason for making all this touch-free technology in the bathroom is to minimize the transfer of germs from our hands to our cocks, balls, pussies, and assholes.  would it not make the most sense to FIRSTLY invent a machine that pulls down our pants and wipes up after us?  that way, we would not even need to put our hands anywhere near our genitals and bungholes, and therefore be no need to wash our hands.

a week and a half ago, it snowed 2 inches in south carolina.  my work closed.  i, being a born and bred new yorker, find this fascinating because this is unheard of.  2 inches is all it takes for the state and businesses to go "HOLY SHIT!  STOCK UP ON PROPANE AND MOUNTAIN DEW!!! WE'RE NOT GONNA MAKE IT 'TIL SPRING!!!"  it amazes me that the state will shut the fuck down because they don't invest in snow plows.  for those unfamiliar with long island infrastructure, we are made up of a bunch of "towns" which have an elected board to locally govern and maintain 5 or so smaller towns or villages, some of which have their own elected officials.  anyhow, as part of property and local taxes, each town has its own public works department.  part of which is dedicated to maintaining their fleet of snow plows.  each town has their own plows.  there is none of that here in SC.  therefore, 2 inches may as well be 2 feet to the people who are not used to driving in snow.  it is very laughable having to say at the end of the day "i got a snow day for this?  you'd get your ass kicked at work in NY for missing a day for 2 inches of snow."  it takes a blizzard or, i learned in 2012, a hurricane to shut down work in NY.  otherwise, you're a fucking pussy.

who do you think had a worse weekend last week:  philip seymore hoffman or peyton manning?

i know that social media is a revolution of the sharing of ideas, but i do not recommend griping about your job on your social media outlets WHILE YOU ARE STILL EMPLOYED FOR THAT COMPANY, unless you just don't care about getting fired.  in the fall of 2012, i reached that point and wrote about at the time.  i legitimately wanted out and did not care anymore.  however, if you have an overwhelming need to pay your bills, i advise against it.

today's rant: what i've learned this year

i have re-learned that i have absolutely no more time for this shit.
i learned that we're expecting our second, and hopefully final, child.  two is enough.  replacement value for myself and my wife.  all done.  no need to burden the world population anymore than we already have.
i've learned what the word "twerk" means.  i just have not had the courage to show anyone what "twerk" means.
i've learned how to deal with 6-hour car trips back and forth from south carolina to alabama:  audiobooks.  i've gone through the entire harry potter saga and am in the middle of hunger games.
i have learned that i have shame.  i know this because i have seen a fellow traveler's expense report while stuck in an airport and thought "i cannot possibly spend this much on a dinner for six people if i tried.  if i gave this to work, and they accepted it, there is something wrong."
i learned what happens when someone abuses FMLA:  they get fired and i get put in their place on 2nd shift.
i've learned that "the book of mormon" is awesome, even though i've only listened to the soundtrack.
i learned that all the money i put into our old house is gone forever.  now we must scrape together what we can in out tax return.
i've learned what a "belk", "dillards", "publix", "bi-lo", "piggly wiggly", and "food lion" are.
i learned that my cache of "fucks" are severely depleted.  therefore, i no longer give a fuck.
i learned how much clothes i need to buy.  losing 75 pounds tends to make your clothes bigger and need smaller sizes.

today's rant: shutdown

fuck, it has been a long time.  um, moved to a new nice, big house.  just in time for a new kid on the way.

government shutdown.  i personally don't give a fuck.  what i hate is having to hear about it.  it could have been avoided.  all the republicans had to do is shut the fuck up.  but they are politicians.  they don't know how to shut the fuck up.  it doesn't matter if they have no formed opinion or working knowledge of a given topic.  they will talk their tits off for 21 hours straight just because they are getting paid.

but in the end, i am not worried about long-term effects.  there will not be any.  my retirement accounts have not been affected in any way, and that is all i care about.  besides, since the 70s, no government shutdown has lasted more than three weeks.  i can ride that out.  jesus christ, i wish there were other interesting things going on in the country.

the only reason i keep hearing about it is because people get paid to talk about and fill in their word count writing about it.  the only outlet i pay attention to with regards to the shutdown is comedy central from 11:00 pm to 11:59 pm.  i am also forced to read some stupid shit that one of my so-called facebook "friends" posts along with some dumb picture accompanied by blatant politically-biased text.  i thought the internet was supposed to be an outlet for original thinking, not a re-hashing of some retard's political savvy.

oops, sorry, wife.  i meant to say "some mentally-challenged person's political savvy."  actually, NO I DIDN'T!  to all my readers, please understand that i do not use the word "retard" to describe someone who has a mental handicap.  i use the word "retard" to describe someone who should do their job intelligently enough given their credentials, but utterly and epically fails, you know, like most people use the word.  i use the word usually to describe the one person who is pissing me off at the moment.  while my wife was pregnant the first time, the word "retard" was generally directed at the hospital administration and billing department.  as proof of this, i received a letter from my health insurance company last february saying that the hospital never billed the health insurance company for the delivery after a whole year, and the window expired.  that is one baby delivery that the hospital is never getting paid for now.  i'm sure as shit not paying for it.  we gave them the insurance info.  it's their fault for not claiming it.  hence, they are retards.

today's rant: still a new yorker

leave it to the mets to sweep the yanks in 4, then get swept by the worst team in their division.  fuck.

just because i've moved to south carolina does not mean i have stopped considering myself a new yorker.  i still plan on watching web streams of the mets and giants whenever i have the opportunity.  i still long for umberto's sicilian pizza and a&s bagels.  i miss doing the st. mark's bar run ending up at the comedy cellar (i remember doing this for my 24th birthday with my brother and my college roommate.  it is the most drunk i have ever been without throwing up.  the night was literally "beer, beer, beer, beerbeerbeer, sake, sake, sake, sake, beer, beer, burger, beer".  i got to see greg geraldo that night before he OD'ed a few years back)  when i am asked about college football down here, i have to catch myself from saying "oh, no.  i'm from new york, where they play real sports."  i instead go with the true-but-placating response "oh, no.  i'm from new york.  our college teams suck."  i will give the south this:  their peaches are awesome.  when i bite into a ripe peach in the summer, it is orgasmic.

oddly enough, when i mentioned at work that i will be taking a few days off to finalize the sale of my house back in new york, i have had repeated requests to bring pizza back from new york.  it makes me wonder what sort of poison out of which they make their pizza down here.  makes me feel better that i haven't tried it yet.

i know the perfect way for chick-fil-a to increase their revenue 17% immediately:  OPEN ON SUNDAYS, YOU FUCKING MORONS!

it seems that with every life-changing moment we have as a family, my wife must find a channel devoted to the topic and watch it 24/7.  she did it when we were getting married, she did it when she was pregnant, and she's doing it right the moment since we're getting a house built.  you cannot blame me for torturing myself by watching the mets.  in my opinion, my self-induced pain is much more dull than listening to what my wife has on TV.

today's rant: car sticker

a few days ago, i read the most ignorant car sticker i have ever seen. it reads as follows:

god said it
i believe it
that ends it

where do i start? the beginning? good idea. "god said it." um, god did not write the bible. no. he didn't. it was written by people. i will allow the possibility that the old testament was transcribed by people from god's words, and that's stretching it a lot. as for the new testament, absolutely not. the book of john was written by john's followers. the book of mark was written by mark's followers. actually, even those books were transcribed and translated century after century by people of the cloth from language to language. quality control being as sticky as was in those days with a serious lacking of journalistic ethical standards, the bible as it is today is in no way, shape, or form an exact transcript of god's words dating back a few millenia. therefore, we can flush that first line down the toilet.

next up, "i believe it." good for you. i'm happy that you think you believe it. i'm sure you've come to terms about not being able to eat shellfish, not being able to trim your sideburns, not being able to eat pork, and plucking your lustful eye out whenever you watch porn. then again, if you actually did that, you wouldn't be driving a car in the first place because of your lack of depth perception, and you wouldn't have the stupid fucking car sticker at all.

finally, "that ends it." this is the line i have the biggest problem with. this tells the reader that the owner of the car refuses to be open to intellectual discourse or any possible rebuttal. they openly announce that they choose to be in a logical vacuum in which they live in ignorant bliss for all to point and snicker. the person's iq automatically goes down about 40 points with this proclamation of self-righteous disdain of the beliefs of others. i challenge this person to stand by their convictions and take the car to fallujah. let's see how long they last.

to me, living by this creedo completely eliminates all original, creative, free, or logical thinking. this goes against human nature and it inhibits any sort of social progress.

i've said it.
if you don't like it,
argue with me.

my wife 1 minute ago:  "there is dirt and blood in my bra tonight."

today's rant: bra-wnie

last night, my wife was adjusting her bra while in bed.  the lights were off and our eyes had gotten used to the dark for a little while already.  when she finished adjusting her bra, she noticed that something about the size of a peanut m&m had fallen out.  she seemed very timid and asked me what it was, perhaps thinking that an insect (possibly one of those rolly-polly ones?) had fallen out of her bra.  i proceeded to poke the item with the remote control twice.  i then swallowed my nerve and ventured tactile contact.  i picked it up and proudly proclaimed, "it's a brownie."  apparently, a piece of a brownie she ate earlier yesterday had fallen into her bra.  now i know where our daughter picked up the habit of having cheerios fall into her diaper. to top it off, tonight, my wife experienced another food/bra anomaly. just 5 minutes ago, she discovered part of our daughter's granola bar in her bra. she exulted the profound words "i knew my bra was itchy but... look, there's chocolate and everything!" i love you too, sweetie.

it is starting to piss me off that my wife is watching hgtv at all hours of the day.  i understand the reason why she wants to watch the shows since we're getting a new house built, but the shows themselves are figuratively fucking me in the ear.  most shows follow the same exact format.  i don't mind shows and movies following the same format, as long as it is entertaining.  this shit ain't fucking entertaining.  every single fucking time, realtors take prospective property owners around and say "this first property has absolutely nothing that you want and falls well within your budget, so screw you.  this property has everything that you want and you cannot ever hope to afford it, you cocksuckers!  this third property has some of what you want and you'd have to put the rest in yourself, perfectly matching your budget.  by the way, these are the only three properties you can choose from, which is nothing like real life, but you're under contract with us, so tough tuchass.  since you're gonna pick this third property anyway, let's spend the other 17 minutes of this show just fucking around and telling the folks at home your pathetic story of how you met when you're getting married."  every... fucking... time.

today's rant: bad person burial

right now, i have a really bad stomach virus.  i really shouldn't go further than that.  why would you want to know that?  i don't want to gross you out.  there is no point in telling you good people how my asshole is bubbling green twice an hour.

i read that they buried the dead boston bomber brother in an undisclosed location.  i do not think that is fair.  i think that if someone commits mass murder in a country for PURELY RELIGIOUS OR POLITICAL REASONS (i had to highlight that just to be clear), then we should shame them in death.  i believe that the 28th amendment of the united states constitution should state that the burial site of a person, natural-born citizen or not, who has committed mass murder against americans for purely religious or political reasons should have a monument on their burial state of the statue of liberty wearing a strapon sodomizing the mass murderer with uncle sam holding his head and fucking his mouth.

i am not trying to be ignorant or closed minded.  i'm sure that the united kingdom wouldn't mind a monument of queen elizabeth forcing a dildo-shaped scepter down the throat of the london bus bombers with winston churchill drinking brandy and giving a golden shower at the same time.  it would also be interesting to see a monument of a bull stabbing and bludgeoning the madrid bombers with their horns while members of the spanish inquisition paddle them on the ass with bibles.  hey, if american journalists get beheaded on videotape, i don't think this shaming of actually bad people is asking too much.  fuck 'em.

today's rant: food

i'm disappointed that every time i say "like a good neighbor, state farm is there", nothing happens.  why the hell do i even bother paying my premiums?

someone from stony brook just emailed me about some career fair back at my old college.  i've responded by taking his email address and signing him up for a bunch of internet newsletters.  i'm signing him up for recipes, government recalls, and religious content.  hope he enjoyed having his school email.  i wish spamming spammers was always this easy.

my biggest restaurant pet peeve is undercooked chicken.  there is no excuse for that.  it is akin to the cook telling you "go fuck yourself."  it makes me wish that most restaurants would adopt taco bell's quality policy of "like it or we'll eat it."  i would freakin love to see that.  i may even pay to see some guy choke down 130 degree pink chicken meat because of his neglect.

coming in at a close second is undercooked eggs.  to be fair, i sort of ask for it when i order eggs over easy.  but then again, that means that the eggs are supposed to have a runny yolk.  that does not mean that the egg whites are running clear.  that is not breakfast.  that is food poisoning and two days of puking and shitting my pants because of food-borne pathogens.

cooking for a baby is a way different food experience that just cooking for my wife, or even cooking for myself.  the only way i can gauge if my daughter likes my food or not is whether or not she takes the food out of her mouth and drops it off the side of her high chair.  the best part of that is that it makes more food for me.

watching her eat something new is amazing.  she has such an inquisitive look on her face.  at first, she doesn't know how to handle it.  if i feed her something on a spoon or fork, she'll stare at it for 4 seconds, then attempt to take it off with her fingers, especially yogurt.  then she'll put halfway through her mouth.  this is the point where she is first tasting it.  the weird thing that she doesn't follow through.  she'll take the food back out of her mouth and stare at it again.  either her attention span is still developing or she is thinking "my dad made it taste like this?!" which can either be a good thing or a bad thing.  then, she'll put it back in her mouth completely and take two bites.  then she stares off into nothingness as if contemplating the meaning of life.  in those two bites, fates are decided.  either this food is going to be something to keep in our baby-feeding repertoire or this food will justify my wife buying a tablecloth that doubles as a drop cloth underneath the highchair when my daughter takes the food back out of her mouth and discards it off the side of her highchair. 

today's rant: driving through atlanta

lately for my job, i have to drive from my new home in south carolina to my job in alabama until the south carolina facility opens.  my drive takes me from columbia through augusta through atlanta to montgomery.  depending on traffic and stops for gas and food, it takes me anywhere between 5 hours 15 minutes to 6 and a half hours when going 70 mph.  now, i have not had the opportunity to spend a good amount of time in atlanta.  i would like to at some point.  i might even be adventurous or drunk enough to go a braves game when the mets play there.

unfortunately for me, my route only takes me south of the main part of atlanta, so i do not get to see much of the city.  the interstate i ride takes me though the airport.  notice that i did not say "passed the airport."  i said "through the airport" and i mean "through the airport."   the interstate goes through the airport.  look on a map.  one miscalculation, a plane is landing on your ass or you are driving through the nathan's hot dogs booth.

you know what would be awesome?  strawberry m&m's.  by the way, i don't want to hear any grammar nazis coming at me.  "oh, there isn't supposed to be an apostrophe there since it's plural and not possessive!"  fuck you!  i'm staring at the bag right now.  there's an apostrophe.

you know what the hardest thing about being on weight watchers is?  post-holiday clearance candy.  $1 for a five pound bag of pastel m&m's simply because it isn't easter anymore?  god bless america.

i am still reveling in the fact that being a father gives me a legitimate excuse to watch cartoons.  lately, i was elated to hear that there will be a sequel to finding nemo called finding dory.  now i can play finding nemo for my daughter in two years and we can go see finding dory immediately after in the theaters.  fuckin' a! (singing in my head "just keep swimming, just keep swimming...")

i might as well say this now while it is early in the season and i still feel happy:  let's go mets!

today's rant: how many squares?

when did "can you name a city in <state name> without the letter <vowel>?  bet you can't" get so popular?  i bet that if you have seen any of these on your facebook newsfeed, you have immediately thought of five cities off the top of your head if you live in that state, and if you gave it another minute, you could list fifteen others.  this is just as dumb as the "how many squares are in this picture?  bet you can't find them all" bullshit pictures or the dumb math questions that end with "84% of people get this wrong".  it seems that americans are in no short abundance of stupid things to share on their facebook wall.  yes, i'm referring to YOU!  you too, angry musthachioed person the mirror!

you know that "hide" button on the newsfeed next to each item?  i think it would be nice if when you hid something on your feed, an anonymous notification should be sent to the person who you blocked with the following statement:
"one of your facebook friends has permanently hid your posts on their facebook newsfeed.  the following reason was given:"
and for the reason, you'd have a choice of 1) misleading, 2) offensive, 3) illegal, 4) degrading to women, 5) libelous, 6) stupid, 7) homoerotic, 8) swedish, 9) prophesied by Nostradamus, or 10) all of the above.

this is my theory on economics and politics: the stock market's performance in inversely proportional to the level of confidence americans have in their government.  for example:

Bill Clinton gets a hummer in the White House = Dow Jones hits 11,000
Relief that we're getting a new President = dot-com bubble burst
The comedy riot that was GW Bush's two terms = Dow Jones hits 14,000
Relief that we're getting a new President = housing bubble burst
Credit downgrade, Obamacare, and sequesters = Dow Jones breaks another record

am I detecting a pattern?

this is not a "Democrat vs. Republican" thing. this is a "government" thing.  putting a donkey sticker or an elephant sticker on it does not change how it works.  all I'm say is let's stop the bickering and ride this stock market wave for all it is worth.  i know i am.

in response to the news of elisabeth hasselbeck leaving the view, scientists have predicted a 548% higher occurrence of the phrases "cunt on the loose!  there's a cunt on the loose!  hide the children!"

i think the vatican should invest in a space program.  i'm surprised they haven't done it yet with all the money they have.  think about it.  they want to be closer to god.  what better way then to strap the next pope into a rocket with a monkey and have them go meet god?  i'm sure god will pick them up once they get out of the atmosphere.  wouldn't that be awesome if that was in the new pope's job description?

today's rant: purgatory

let me tell you how my day has been.  i should be at work right now in montgomery, alabama.  funny as it sounds, i actually long to be there right now.  think about how that sounds.  what possible scenario could lead me to this situation?  what level of self-loathing do i have to reach?  well, i am three states away and there is no way i am getting there tonight.  i am stuck in charlotte-douglas international airport, or as i have nicknamed it, purgatory.  i am currently waiting for my wife's aunt to pick me up from the airport because she lives in charlotte.  while i am waiting, let me tell you about purgatory.

first of all, i woke up at 4:45am to get to my flight, which was delayed taking off from laguardia airport and delayed again landing in charlotte.  therefore, i missed my connecting flight.  instead, they put me on the following flight.  want to know where that flight originated?  laguardia airport.  remind me to ask the person who booked my flight and ask them why in god's name they didn't want me to get a good night's sleep and put me on the later flight from laguardia.  why would you want me to be tired going to work?  cannot really pay attention to FAA regulations while i am half asleep, now can i?

so, i got put on the next flight.  in the meantime, there was the issue of nutrition that had taken over.  the closest eatery to my gate was the fox sports sky box grill.  do not let the name of the dining area fool you.  the food has absolutely nothing to do with fox, sports, the sky, a box, or any other combination or permutation of the preceding words.  i ordered a bacon cheeseburger with seasoned fries and a pickle spear.  the fries were not seasoned, i got no pickle spear, and the bacon was pre-cooked.  i did not leave a good tip and i wrote on the receipt why.  i encourage you all to do the same for when management reads each receipt at the end of the day.  i should have eaten at the papa john's at the food court and saved some money.

i emailed everyone at work who this affected.  that's a great feeling.  having to explain to your boss and lead people why, even though you PROMISED to be there, that you'll be late.  then even later.  then not even showing up because the flight was cancelled completely.  the reason is astounding.  the flight attendant i was supposed to have was stuck in louisville, kentucky.  i sat at the gate thinking to myself, "self, you've sat through this plenty of times in the past three months.  you've seen tommy boy enough times to remember what david spade says in the airplane scene.  you can do this!"  despite my attempts to volunteer my services so we could get to montgomery, my pleas fell on deaf ears. 

i sincerely hope that the people at work do not think i'm just trying to get out of a day of work and have fun.  i do not consider listening to toddler's wail away because mommy will not buy them a can of pringles as "fun".  i DO consider watching strung-out convention participants missing out on their harley davidson convention bare-knuckle box each other for control of the only power outlet at the gate as "fun".  if only i can sell that on pay-per-view.

so here i am, typing away, finishing up my TCBY parfait.  i actually consider that to be quite an accomplishment because i have not seen another TCBY outside of Sunrise Mall massapequa in YEARS!  they disappeared from long island and i am severely dissapointed in that.  instead, all these fuckin fro-yo shops popped up with self-serve machines and toppings.  they just popped up overnight.  it's as if long islanders forgot that frozen yogurt existed and then were smacked in the face with five different shops to eat at.  we're like alzheimer's patients, as if we've never been to a frozen yogurt shop before.

as i am writing this part, it is now 23 hours after i missed my original connecting flight.  luckily enough for me, i am sitting at the appropriate gate staring at the plane right out the window.  the only way i am missing this flight is if i have a stroke sometime in the next hour within the 100ft walking distance from my seat at the gate to the plane.  i'm even checking the flight status online at regular intervals just to make sure that the plane that i am staring at is actually "on time" and in this plane of existence.

today's rant: ape-shit superbowl

if the superbowl has proven anything not related to sports, it is that people have way too much free time on their hands worrying about shit that has nothing to do with them, especially in the fifteen minutes before the coin was flipped.

before halftime, my wife called me and asked me what i thought about having the sandy hook elementary kids and jennifer hudson, all of whom knew someone shot to death, and the message it was sending.  i had to take a moment to catch my breath.  i asked her if she actually thought there was a liberal gun-control conspiracy during "america the beautiful."  OK, let's get one fucking thing straight, because everyone, EVERYONE, no, you don't understand, E!V!E!R!Y!O!N!E!, democrats & republicans, has been retarded for the past two months.  dems, it's not a gun control issue, it's a mental health issue.  reps, having the audacity to assume how MLK Jr. would side with you over the issue on his holiday is mind-fucking.  to my wife's defense, she was watching the superbowl with her family.  just to give you an idea about their political standpoint, i had to block everything they have rehashed after masturbating to fox news from appearing on my facebook newsfeed.  i had to block it, and I'M registered republican.  aside from that, they have enough issues to keep sigmund freud on retainer for quite a long time.  that, plus the friends that her family brought over, leads me to think that she didn't come up with it by herself.  she probably got it from someone at the superbowl party.

next, the national anthem.  i understood the chatter after x-tina aguilera fucked up the lyrics a few years ago, but the fact that i have to read that alicia keys is getting slack for singing a version that may have been pitchy at times but otherwise OK means that too many people have sticks shoved up their asses.  monday morning, i thought the major issue was gonna be the power going out 2 minutes into the 3rd quarter.  it is amazing what sets people off.

today's rant: what i've learned this year

to be honest, i have absolutely no remembrance if i did this for 2011 since i haven't been venting my transgressions as often as i'd like, but here we go (fuck the bud light commercial)

- i've learned what being a dad is like.  plus, it gives you the perfect excuse to watch all of your favorite saturday morning cartoons and play with toys.
- i've learned that no matter how much an employer claims likes you, there is always someone in the company with the power to fuck you over, regardless of if they even know you exist.  you're just a number to this person, a number that has to go down to zero, no matter who gets cut.
- i've learned what an expense report is.
- i've learned what the difference is property taxes are between long island and south carolina.  BTW, guess where i'm moving?
- i've learned that southern states consider macaroni and cheese a vegetable.
- i've learned that every four years, nothing will change, no matter who is elected.
- i've learned that the mayans were full of shit.
- i've learned when someone posts something on facebook, no matter how inaccurate the source, it is 100% true.  case and point:

"In response to people believing everything they read, I hereby declare that any and all persons reading any amount of text contained in this communique are required to perform the following:

1) host any and all persons accompanied by myself and/or my spouse for a nice home-cooked meal at a minimum of once per calendar month;
2) purchase at the reader's expense no fewer than one beverage of alcoholic content greater than or equal to five (5) percent alcohol by volume for the consumption of myself within a seven (7) day range of my birthday;
3) add me as beneficiary to the reader's retirement accounts, including, but not limited to, 401(k), Traditional IRA, Roth IRA, etc.;
4) let me drive the reader's car whenever I request.

The aforementioned actions are authorized and enforced by the Contingency Orders for the Grand Army of the Republic, Order Initiation, Order 66

Hey, I posted it. Therefore, it must be legal and true. To hell with Facebook Terms and Policies. "
- my facebook status, 11/27/12

- the preceding is a result of my learning that approximately 5% of my facebook friends are stupid.  if they happen to find this rant, i'll just let them guess who it is.
- i always knew that the long island power authority was full of shit, but i learned this year that it is possible to be greater than 100% full of shit.  congrats, LIPA.
- i've learned what when an 80-something-year-old lady falls down an escalator, that escalator plus EVERY FUCKING ESCALATOR USED BY THE LONG ISLAND RAILROAD must be shut down for 6 months to be taken apart and reassembled with a 5 month gap in between.  any graffiti that shows up on the blockades is well-deserved.

on a related note, my wife has learned this year that one does not clean a TV by spraying cleaning fluid in the back of the TV where the vents are.  you know, the vents that circulate air to all the exposed electronics and circuits.

today's rant: superpower

you know what superpower i wish i had?  i wish i had the ability to teleport matter from one place to another.  just instantly *snap*, something is somewhere else.  i started thinking about the different possibilities of such a power that no one else would think of.  for example, if i had that power, i would never need to wipe my ass ever again.  want to know why?  i'd never need to take another defecation.  all i would need to do is teleport my solid waste into the toilet or steaming cup of coffee of my choice.

i'd definitely use that power to fuck with people.  for example, if i was in a corporate meeting with everyone else in the company being led by an accountant or manager, and i knew full well that they had no idea what the fuck they were talking about, i'd teleport my piss and shit together in one huge mess straight into the mouth of whoever was talking mid-sentence.  "you guys really need to step it your timeline.  our second quarter projections are trailing by BLEEEUUUUULLLLL!!!!"  i'd cap off this extravaganza by acting incredulous, trying my best to make it look like there was no possible way i had the power to teleport piss and shit into someone's mouth, and then righteously proclaim "i always knew you were talking shit!"

2 1/2 months ago, i submitted a request at work to apply for a position at a different facility down south.  since corporate took my position away, i wanted it back, even if that meant moving.  well, last week, i accepted a job transfer that i applied for.  yes, applied for.  i felt like i had to reapply for my old job again.  oh, what fun.  i'm going to move to south carolina where my company build hondajet fuselages.  these are private jets.  very small private jets.  we're talking buddy holly fuck planes, except with jet engines.  until i start in south carolina, i am training in alabama with a banjo on my knee.

here are a couple of things i've learned while commuting to montgomery from NY as well as to work from my hotel:
- these people like college football... waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much.
- if you're down here on a saturday night, get to a restaraunt EARLY!  i went to cracker barrel last night at around 6pm.  i fully caught the u. alabama and auburn crowds coming home from games.  i settled for domino's.  i'll try again tonight.
- hotels may give you HBO, but it's all grainy.
- there is a shit load of hotels, and i have no idea why.
- waffle house uses too much butter.
- i'm surprised by the TSA's lack in interest in grabbing my junk.
- the fridge in my hotel room is very old and very worn out.  i hear it running all night.
- it's a battle royal to use the power outlets at airport gates.  too bad they check for for weapons before you get there.  it would be more fun fighting for outlets that way.

i just saw a sodastream commercial that said "with sodastream, you can save 2000 bottles a year." that's 5 1/2 bottles a day.  A DAY!   who drinks 5 1/2 bottles of soda a day?  fucktards.

today's rant: regularly scheduled programming my ass

what's up with comedy central's show schedule? for weeks, the only show that seems to start on the half-hour spot is the daily show. but wtf is up with tosh.0 12:01-12:37am? why do they stretch it out so much? in the fifteen years of "comedy central presents", did they run out of shows to fill in the time and therefore were forced to stretch out other shows?

speaking of "comedy central presents", how come they have a 78-minute slot of "comedy central presents" in which they play like 10 different specials that are only the first and final segments of the comedians' acts? i can't focus. this is why kids are getting ADD.

i am losing my patience at work.  i've started arguing with my lead man over how he trains me.  plainly and simply, i've stopped caring.  i didn't go to college to run a CNC and i'm bored out of my fucking skull.  if i may borrow a line from botchamania, "fuck this company."

in response to the iHeartRadio festival (jesus fucking christ, another name with "i" at the beginning of it that has nothing to do with apple), i hereby propose the iHateRadio festival.  iRonically, radio is so shitty that it drives me to my iPod, the patent holder of all things with "i" at the beginning of the name.  a local radio station has switched programming yet again.  2 years ago, it was an adult contemporary station.  recently, it was an gen-x station playing stuff from '85 - '05.  now it's trying to be what krock was 15 years ago, except attempting to incorporate some rock from the past few years.  i don't know if you've noticed, but there isn't any.  don't give me that nickelback and kings of leon bullshit.  they suck like a black hole giving blowjobs.  they're just doing what the top 40 stations are doing.  playing the same bands every hour on the hour.  every time i listen, it's always metallica, red hot chili peppers, and smashing pumpkins.  these stations don't even fucking try anymore.  iHateRadio. 

today's rant: night shift

of the past twelve months, i spent four of them unemployed.  that was not fun.  call me crazy, but i like money and not having to talk with debt collectors (if there was a "scum of the earth" directory, debt collectors would fit right in between the westboro baptist church and disney tweeny boppers).  now, i'm finding myself having to re-network all over again.  the reason is kinda shitty, but here goes.

on 8/30 at my current job, 7 or so quality inspectors, including myself, were told that our positions were being eliminated.  i have no definitive answer why.  the positions were eliminated based on seniority, or in our case, lack thereof.  we were given two options:  1) take a night shift machine operator position for less money, even with the night differential, or 2) take a 3-day severance deal.  i cannot afford to miss a paycheck and i hate COBRA with a passion.  so i took the job they offered.  a couple people took the severance and ran.  i don't like the job now.  it's not the night shift itself, it's the work involved.  it's not the reason i went to college.  i'd like to go into gory detail about how much i don't like it, but i still work there and i don't need HR or the GM having to take me into their office for another "chat".

let me put it this way:  HR and everyone in my old department, including my old supervisor, know that we got screwed over.  they know that we don't want the new position.  they know we're looking for new jobs.  they know this because they are in touch with reality.  it wasn't HR's decision or the GMs decision to make the cuts in the first place.  that was corporate's decision.  HR and the GM just had to choose who, and i understand that.  with 5 months under my belt, i'm not high on the totem pole.

so for the second time this year, i'm getting back in touch with all my methods of finding a new job.  websites, headhunters, job fairs, in-laws, etc.  this is the first time i've ever gotten a public outpouring of support from a vast amount of coworkers.  to which i say, "well, let me keep my old position."  ah, if only economics worked that way.

so yeah, i want a new job.  physics degree w/ 5 years of manufacturing and quality control experience.  any offers?

today's rant: todd akin

last week, i read a quote that i thought was truly stupid, involving mitt romney and his idea that paying slightly less than 14% on federal tax was acceptable to him.  that was even dumber than his claiming that his father marched with martin luther king jr.  today, i read a quote that put romney's words to shame.  there is a new sheriff of stupidtown.  i present missouri congressman todd akin.

when asked about abortion rights for victims of sexual assault who were impregnated, he said the following:

"It seems to me, first of all, from what I understand from doctors, that's really rare. If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to shut that whole thing down."

let's set aside everyone's ideology on the subject of abortion for a minute, because that is not what this rant is about.  when i read that quote and listen to it in my head, my brain hurts.  specifically, the left side of my brain hurts.  that is where logic is processed.  right around the word "shut", i feel like i need a couple advil because a couple of neurons are unable to process what i'm reading into something that makes sense.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING?  you're running for an elected office, you retarded son of a bitch!  it's one thing to ask for a president's birth certificate.  it's something else entirely to presume you know how the female reproductive system works.  what doctors are you taking advice from?  dr. doom?  dr. dolittle?

why didn't you run this past your wife?  you may not know this, but i think she's a woman.  there is a 94% chance she knows how the female reproductive system functions.  if you asked her under which circumstances the female body can "shut that whole thing down", she'd rightfully and justifiably slap your testicles with a frat house paddle for your own good before explaining everything wrong with your question.

people of missouri, this person is close to being able to represent you.  there is something wrong with this senario.  may i suggest public shaming at the base of the arch?  rotten tomatoes and paintball?

to everyone who has read the quote and gave it a second look because something did not quite add up when you were trying to understand it, CONGRATULATIONS!  YOU ARE SMARTER THAN AN ELECTED OFFICIAL WITH AN ENGINEERING DEGREE!!!

watching the women's road cycling event at the olympics is like watching turtles fuck.

why is it that out of all the women biking in a giant clusterfuck group, only one had the foresight to try to bike faster than the rest of the group?  only after that did other bikers realize "oh yeah, we're supposed to try to beat other riders.  i should try to go faster."

today's rant: deprogramming

the other night, we left our 5-month-old with a friend for babysitting.  while we were out, we got a text that our friend was trying to teach our little girl some choreography.  cute enough.  we also got a text that our girl was listening to "call me maybe".  when we got home, i spent the rest of the night trying to deprogram her.  i didn't care that i had work in the morning.  at one point, i had metallica's "master of puppets" on repeat for about an hour and forty minutes.  i had to hammer that into her skull before she had the opportunity to remember that other song.  i think i got the point through to her.  by the time the sun came up, she was air-guitaring the bridge.  if i play this right, her first word will be "master".  who wouldn't love that?

today's rant: handicapped parking

I think there should be two types of handicapped parking in parking lots across america.  firstly, there should be the spots closest to the main doors of buildings for the elderly, people with walkers, people with crutches, and so forth.  secondly, there should be spots as far away from any doors as possible for the morbidly obese fat fuckers who can only get around using one of those ride along scooters you see commercials for during "the price is right".  come to think of it, they should be forced to give up the scooters and deal with a good ol' fashioned wheelchair.  make 'em work off some of that gelatin from their arms.  that way, they can exercise and aspire to one day not be forced to park there anymore.  i'm not knocking people who don't fit into roller coasters.  at least they can walk up to the ride.  i'm talking about people who can't walk by themselves because of morbid obesity.  this is coming from a guy who is a step or two away from shopping in the "big and tall" section.

no.  today is not the day that doc brown and marty mcfly traveled to in "back to the future:  part 2".  if you think that, then you have just shamed yourself by forgetting part of one of the best movie series' ever.  you should stick your head into a mr. fusion.

today's rant: the penal system

i read an article earlier this week of how a boston person is not having his appeal heard in a case where he has to pay $675,000 to the RIAA for sharing 30 music files.  this is where i start to lose faith in the american penal system.

on 1 hand, we've got a person who committed what can extremely loosely be defined as a "crime", doing harm to absolutely nobody, and having to pay an exorbitant $675,000 penalty.  on the other hand, we have a rutgers student who filmed his roommate in a private moment, shared the video with other people, made the roommate kill himself, and he gets 30 days in jail + 3 yrs probation + $10,000 penalty.  i see this as a huge disparity.

i was watching a rerun of bones yesterday and there was a scene where a bunch of people were waiting in line outside of a movie theater to see "avatar".  the forensic intern, played by joel david moore, was also in the movie "avatar".  i found that ironic.  when i mentioned this to my wife, she said, "oh yeah, he looks just like him!".  confused, i responded, "that IS him.  it's the same actor."  she replied "you mean it wasn't computer graphics?"  apparently, she believed that the movie "avatar" was 100% CGI, including the actors.  i had to explain, "no.  the movie is probably 90% computer graphics, but sigourney weaver is actually sigourney weaver."  then, an awful thought crossed my mind.  i asked "do you think the na'vi were real people?!"  thankfully, she said "no."

i just finished a poll on collegehumor of the worst "triquels" ever, as in the worst 3rd movie of a saga.  some of the movies shown did not belong on the list.  LOTR return of the king was on the list.  that's right, the one that won all the oscars.  anyhow, here's my top 5 according to the poll:
5)  "Fast & Furious:  tokyo drift".  out of sync with the rest of the movies chronologically and painful to watch bow wow.
4)  "Mighty Ducks 3".  jeez, this one was way forgettable.  where's emilio when you need him?  he had all of about 2 scenes.  fuck that.
3)  "rush hour 3".  after this, chris tucker fell off the face of the earth.  it's very hard to name more than 5 chris tucker movies.  off the top of my head, rush hour 1, 2, and 3, fifth element, and jackie brown.  i know there's one or two more out there, but that's it.
2)  "batman forever".  not as bad as "batman and robin", but still pretty shitty.
1)  drumroll... "halloween 3:  season of the witch".  one of the worst movies i've ever seen.  i know horror movies are kinda preordained not to be too profound, but this one didn't even have michael myers chasing anyone with a kitcken knife.  no michael myers at all.  huge disappointment.

today'a rant: laptop

the following joke is only for the hardcore star wars geeks:  what did the zabrak say to the sad muun?  "why the long face?"

three weeks ago, i filed a warranty claim for the laptop i am currently typing on.  my problem is that the entire right side of the touch pad craps out all the time.  last week, after i sent it away from repair, i got a notice that the hard drive needed to be wiped out and the operating system needed to be laid down again.  i got it back yesterday.  same problem.  thanks, IT geniuses.  i'm going to say the same thing now that i said to the warranty claims person i talked with on the phone:  it's a hardware problem, not a software problem.  i'm not that fucking dumb.

the health insurance system is broken.  has been for years.  it's not government's fault.  it's just that the system is one giant clusterfuck that nothing ever gets done right.  there's health providers, insurance companies, insurance brokers, COBRA, insurance billers, prescription management companies, and the list goes on and on.  if any one person working for any one of these companies fucks up (and believe me, there are a lot of fuck-ups working for these companies), then the information that gets passed on to everyone else is also fucked up.

i had COBRA last month.  if your job uses the company CobraHelp, your fucked.  find a new job now!  first, CobraHelp sent me a bill for the wrong amount.  then, they sent me a bill for the wrong amount with my wife's name wrong.  then when april 1st came around, they didn't continue my coverage like they were supposed to... for nine days!  but they happily cashed my check back in march.  now that i have new insurance, same shit with new people.  i was supposed to be covered since may 1st.  as soon as we try to get a prescription, they say we have to pay a huge deductible.  all this despite the fact that my plan does not have a deductible for scrips.  they thought i had a different plan.  how?  who fucked this up for us?  i want to find you, cut off your health insurance, and stab you in the testicle.

today's rant: telemarketer revenge, NKOTB leggings

my daughter's glow-worm plays pachelbel's canon, and it got me thinking.  you know what you call that shotgun-like expulsion of poop out of your ass after eating too much mexican food?  taco bell's cannon.

i was driving home for the last mile down my street, and i started noticing how many houses have the solar-powered lamps that they put in the ground around their house.  i couldn't help but think that the more solar-powered lights that they had around the house, the more i noticed that those lights don't illuminate jack shit.  they light up just enough to notice them, but if you're walking up to the front steps, you're shit out of luck.  chances are that you're going to step on the family pet because the lamps won't even light up the grass underneath.  the only real practical use of those solar panels is to hard-wire them to your cellphone charger.  if you must buy a solar-powered lamp, do not buy them from the christmas tree shoppe for $1.  they won't work.  as a matter of fact, do yourself a favor and don't buy anything from x-mas tree shoppe for $1.

when my wife was in the second grade, if she had an bathroom "accident", it was always with one particular set of leggings.  it was her new kids on the block leggings.  ironically enough, "oh--oh--OH-Oh-oh" is the exact sound you would make if there was crap and pee running down your legs as you would try to pull your pants down fast enough.

i recommend everyone reading this should bookmark rick astley's "never gonna give you up" on youtube.  why?  the next time a telemarketer calls you at 8am on a sunday morning because they have no souls, click on the bookmark, crank the volume as high as it can go, and hold the phone to the speakers.  it's not illegal to do that.  i wish this was my idea, but i got the idea where i get most of my other good ideas:  the internet.

the results of the whitney huston autopsy are in.  and the winner of the "what was the cause of death" bet is a three-way-tie between anyone who said "drowning", "heart failure", and "drugs".  i think it's fair to say that 95% of people said drugs, so congratulations to everyone.

today's rant: st. patrick's day dance

at my local social hall, they have fundraising events to help pay the bills.  last month, i dealt blackjack for casino night.  just tonight, my wife worked as a waitress for their st. patrick's day dance.  let me elaborate:  the hall has dances for every holiday, no matter how mundane.

for a little extra cash, my wife was tasked to clean up the bathrooms during the party breakdown.  as i was doing the laundry, she called me on her way home and asked me what the last thing i thought would be found in the men's room bathroom stall.  i said "a $100 bill?"  she said "no.  jizz.  i had to clean up jizz."  there is a legitimate chance that someone i pass masturbated all over the men's room toilet seat.  on the off chance that any of them are reading this, i think it's only fair to warn you that we have taken a sample.  look for me collecting empty cups and glasses to look for DNA samples to compare.

here's an email i received yesterday:

Your resume caught my eye!  GEICO is seeking individuals with a competitive spirit who enjoy building and preserving relationships with customers.  Your goal is to handle detailed insurance issues while providing quality customer service in order retain and strengthen our customer connection.  Based on your background, interest and potential GEICO’s Customer Service opportunity can be your next and last career.  

Why GEICO?  Because 5, 10 or 20 years from now, you’ll be able to look back and see the impact you made on our company, our customers and our community.  And you’ll see the difference we made in you!

GEICO offers a variety of career paths, performance-based promotions and a competitive Total Rewards Program featuring:

• Industry recognized, full paid training
• Medical, Dental & Vision Coverage
• 401K, Profit-Sharing and Flexible Spending accounts
• Paid Vacations, Holiday and Sick Leave
• Amenities and Perks through corporate and local partnerships

I look forward to receiving your application!

my reply:

Why the fuck would I want to work for Geico?  Did you even read my resume?  What are you smoking to want to think that my background has anything to do with insurance?  How stupid are you?  Did YOU even go to college?  Take your 15 minutes and go fist yourself.

women should wear backpacks.  wife, stop telling me that people can go through a backpack and steal things.  men wear backpacks and shit don't get stolen.  and no matter what you say, men do not get pick pocketed out of their backpacks.  this is because they get pick pocketed out of their pockets.  you wouldn't know about this because you don't have pockets in any clothing below your waist.

at least women have wallets, but shit is getting out of hand.  women have wallets that are bigger but less expensive then some coach bags.  my mind hurts just thinking about it.  guys, our wallets carry everything ever needed, no matter what the situation.  cash, credit cards, pictures, membership cards, library cards, cards of every type.  there's even a card with tools on it, including a flathead screwdriver head, a ruler, a can opener, and a saw.  a SAW!!!  even after all those different cards, we still have room for a condom.  that is the end all to be all.  we need nothing else.  ladies, please, i'm begging you, simplify your lives.  you don't need a box of tampons, two of every pill in the medicine cabinet, a coin purse, 7 pieces of makeup for your eyes alone in a bag that can double as a weapon if you want to hammer-throw it at a rampaging jaguar.  just get a fucking backpack.

for the love of god, why are there two live-action snow white movies being released this year?  there's one with julia roberts and one with charlize theron, each of which are playing the evil queen.  who would you rather see as the evil queen, the hooker with the heart of gold or a safe-cracking safe-cracker's daughter?  i shall not watch either.

if yahoo is going to have a news article about the temptations suing some company over digital download royalties, then they shouldn't be showing a picture of the temptations in which four of the members are dead.  digital downloads did not exist when most of these guys died.

today's rant: ebay

i've just finished reading an article on yahoo about someone shopping at a thrift store, checking the items out on ebay over his smart phone, then buying something on which he can make a profit.  disclaimer:  i am not advocating this as i have never tried it.  the reason i'm writing about this is that comments at the bottom of the page were saturated with failed and disgruntled ebay power sellers complaining about such things as "this article is a scam", "ebay and yahoo are in bed together", "ebay is a crock", and "you can't make a profit on ebay."

these people are obviously out of touch with reality.  in fact, i want to know what drugs they are taking and where i can get some in order to feel this sense of self-righteousness. (now, some of you might be thinking, "why isn't this asshole posting his complaints on the article?"  the answer is that my comment would get drowned out and never read.  here, it'll stay forever.) these ebay sellers clearly don't know who shops on ebay.  we, as ebay buyers, want to buy shit at the lowest price possible.  we don't want you to make a profit.  myself, as an occasional ebay seller, sell shit i don't want anymore, such as old computer parts.  i don't sell to make a profit.  as long as i get rid of something and make a buck on it, i don't give a shit.  do you want to know why?  having a real full-time job helps a lot.  even more so, i'm currently unemployed, but i'm not stupid enough to think i can support a family by selling on ebay.  how fucking delirious do you have to be to try to make a full time living by selling shit by yourself on the internet, knowing you have to ship the shit and pay selling fees, and then have the nerve to blame ebay for your shortsightedness?

today's rant: driving school

i was driving home from a career transition commpany (long story) driving in the left lane on route 109.  a driving school car was in the middle lane.  i was driving faster, but the driver behind the wheel of the driving school car decided to move into the left lane.  she was cutting it kinda close, but i had the room to decelerate enough to prevent a collision.  it wasn't that much of a big deal, however, recognizing the opportunity for irony, i took it upon myself to make the most of the situation.  i honked at the driving school car, now right in front of me, just to see what would happen.  the instructor in the passenger seat raised her hand and started shaking it at the student driver.  i couldn't help but laugh.  i was proud to make sure to keep a driver's license out of the hands of a potentially bad driver for a little while longer.  new york, you may thank me now.