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Thursday, December 27, 2012

today's rant: what i've learned this year

to be honest, i have absolutely no remembrance if i did this for 2011 since i haven't been venting my transgressions as often as i'd like, but here we go (fuck the bud light commercial)

- i've learned what being a dad is like.  plus, it gives you the perfect excuse to watch all of your favorite saturday morning cartoons and play with toys.
- i've learned that no matter how much an employer claims likes you, there is always someone in the company with the power to fuck you over, regardless of if they even know you exist.  you're just a number to this person, a number that has to go down to zero, no matter who gets cut.
- i've learned what an expense report is.
- i've learned what the difference is property taxes are between long island and south carolina.  BTW, guess where i'm moving?
- i've learned that southern states consider macaroni and cheese a vegetable.
- i've learned that every four years, nothing will change, no matter who is elected.
- i've learned that the mayans were full of shit.
- i've learned when someone posts something on facebook, no matter how inaccurate the source, it is 100% true.  case and point:

"In response to people believing everything they read, I hereby declare that any and all persons reading any amount of text contained in this communique are required to perform the following:

1) host any and all persons accompanied by myself and/or my spouse for a nice home-cooked meal at a minimum of once per calendar month;
2) purchase at the reader's expense no fewer than one beverage of alcoholic content greater than or equal to five (5) percent alcohol by volume for the consumption of myself within a seven (7) day range of my birthday;
3) add me as beneficiary to the reader's retirement accounts, including, but not limited to, 401(k), Traditional IRA, Roth IRA, etc.;
4) let me drive the reader's car whenever I request.

The aforementioned actions are authorized and enforced by the Contingency Orders for the Grand Army of the Republic, Order Initiation, Order 66

Hey, I posted it. Therefore, it must be legal and true. To hell with Facebook Terms and Policies.
"
- my facebook status, 11/27/12

- the preceding is a result of my learning that approximately 5% of my facebook friends are stupid.  if they happen to find this rant, i'll just let them guess who it is.
- i always knew that the long island power authority was full of shit, but i learned this year that it is possible to be greater than 100% full of shit.  congrats, LIPA.
- i've learned what when an 80-something-year-old lady falls down an escalator, that escalator plus EVERY FUCKING ESCALATOR USED BY THE LONG ISLAND RAILROAD must be shut down for 6 months to be taken apart and reassembled with a 5 month gap in between.  any graffiti that shows up on the blockades is well-deserved.

on a related note, my wife has learned this year that one does not clean a TV by spraying cleaning fluid in the back of the TV where the vents are.  you know, the vents that circulate air to all the exposed electronics and circuits.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for noting I learned how NOT to clean a television...

    ReplyDelete