let me tell you how my day has been. i should be at work right now in montgomery, alabama. funny as it sounds, i actually long to be there right now. think about how that sounds. what possible scenario could lead me to this situation? what level of self-loathing do i have to reach? well, i am three states away and there is no way i am getting there tonight. i am stuck in charlotte-douglas international airport, or as i have nicknamed it, purgatory. i am currently waiting for my wife's aunt to pick me up from the airport because she lives in charlotte. while i am waiting, let me tell you about purgatory.
first of all, i woke up at 4:45am to get to my flight, which was delayed taking off from laguardia airport and delayed again landing in charlotte. therefore, i missed my connecting flight. instead, they put me on the following flight. want to know where that flight originated? laguardia airport. remind me to ask the person who booked my flight and ask them why in god's name they didn't want me to get a good night's sleep and put me on the later flight from laguardia. why would you want me to be tired going to work? cannot really pay attention to FAA regulations while i am half asleep, now can i?
so, i got put on the next flight. in the meantime, there was the issue of nutrition that had taken over. the closest eatery to my gate was the fox sports sky box grill. do not let the name of the dining area fool you. the food has absolutely nothing to do with fox, sports, the sky, a box, or any other combination or permutation of the preceding words. i ordered a bacon cheeseburger with seasoned fries and a pickle spear. the fries were not seasoned, i got no pickle spear, and the bacon was pre-cooked. i did not leave a good tip and i wrote on the receipt why. i encourage you all to do the same for when management reads each receipt at the end of the day. i should have eaten at the papa john's at the food court and saved some money.
i emailed everyone at work who this affected. that's a great feeling. having to explain to your boss and lead people why, even though you PROMISED to be there, that you'll be late. then even later. then not even showing up because the flight was cancelled completely. the reason is astounding. the flight attendant i was supposed to have was stuck in louisville, kentucky. i sat at the gate thinking to myself, "self, you've sat through this plenty of times in the past three months. you've seen tommy boy enough times to remember what david spade says in the airplane scene. you can do this!" despite my attempts to volunteer my services so we could get to montgomery, my pleas fell on deaf ears.
i sincerely hope that the people at work do not think i'm just trying to get out of a day of work and have fun. i do not consider listening to toddler's wail away because mommy will not buy them a can of pringles as "fun". i DO consider watching strung-out convention participants missing out on their harley davidson convention bare-knuckle box each other for control of the only power outlet at the gate as "fun". if only i can sell that on pay-per-view.
so here i am, typing away, finishing up my TCBY parfait. i actually consider that to be quite an accomplishment because i have not seen another TCBY outside of Sunrise Mall massapequa in YEARS! they disappeared from long island and i am severely dissapointed in that. instead, all these fuckin fro-yo shops popped up with self-serve machines and toppings. they just popped up overnight. it's as if long islanders forgot that frozen yogurt existed and then were smacked in the face with five different shops to eat at. we're like alzheimer's patients, as if we've never been to a frozen yogurt shop before.
as i am writing this part, it is now 23 hours after i missed my original connecting flight. luckily enough for me, i am sitting at the appropriate gate staring at the plane right out the window. the only way i am missing this flight is if i have a stroke sometime in the next hour within the 100ft walking distance from my seat at the gate to the plane. i'm even checking the flight status online at regular intervals just to make sure that the plane that i am staring at is actually "on time" and in this plane of existence.
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