today's rant: side effects include racism, bigotry, rectal swelling

News heading I just read:  “Roseanne Barr blames sleep aid Ambien for racist tweet”.  I snorted laughing when I read that.  Just the concept of a prescription medication that has “racist tendencies on social media” as a side effect is truly a spectacular notion.  Look, everyone’s little bit racist (Avenue Q), but I am having a hard time making the connection between a sleeping pill and “the Twitter”.  I’m glad her show’s cancelled.  Fuck her.  I’d be even happier if the show wasn’t cancelled and she was replaced by that twiggy-thin lady from Ally McBeal.

I used to like Jimmy Kimmel’s work.  By work, I just mean “Win Ben Stein’s Money” and “The Man Show.”  I didn’t pay attention to his late night talk show stuff (except the “Unnecessary Censorship” spots) until he bitched about that dentist killing a fake-famous lion.  What a pussy.  …Kimmel, not the dentist or the lion.  Now every week I see a bullshit online news article headline about him and whatever the puppet masters at Disney and ABC are making him say in order to either purport their liberal agenda or garner entertainment value by being the counter-discourse from the current president and bash the conservative agenda (most of the stuff lately has been about school shootings and gun control).  I understand that.  It’s fun to make fun of Republicans because some of them have historically done and said REEEAAALLY stupid shit (that makes for really great entertainment).  However, I don’t like being bombarded by Kimmel’s expoits on late night TV (that’s not his fault; it is the fault of whatever service I see news from).  So when I read a headline that says he wants compassion for Roseanne Barr, following another case of a celebrity typing stuff they shouldn’t on social media instead of keeping it to themselves, I lament on how sad I would be in his situation.  Not because his liberal fans are criticizing him for trying to support an outspoken racist who happens to be a fellow comedian, but by how transparently fake and forced what he is being made to say is.  “Roseanne” was on ABC.  Kimmel is on ABC.  ABC has to save face, make out like the “good guy”, and not say anything overly mean.  That’s the Disney way.

Time to switch topics!

I’m always on the lookout in news stories of anything concerning truly fucking funny signs of people’s stupidity that could be submitted to the Darwin Awards.  I’m not looking to submit them myself, because chances are that by the time I’ve seen it, other people have submitted it already.  I’d need to pay attention to local news.  Anyhow, the best thing I’ve seen lately was a man in India who took a selfie with an injured bear.  Holy shit, that is a stupid thing to do.  At least my kids have the natural animalistic sense to flee when they see a dog walk up to them.  The bear mauled him to death.  It was caught on video, and I watched the whole thing!  Morbid?  Yes.  Worth it?  Absolutely!  There were some witnesses who said that he was killed instantly by the mauling.  Bullshit, not the way I saw it!  The acts of wrestling with the bear and trying to escape took a full minute.  He may not have had claws or teeth sunk into him for that full minute, but that sure was a long time to think about how much he fucked up.  The most surprising thing to me was that the good folks at the Darwin Awards rejected the story because they see that kind of thing too much.  It’s too commonplace.  Jesus!  What else did he have to do?  Stick a vuvuzela up the bear’s ass?  Put a saddle on it?  Dress himself up as a gimp?

I love it when people completely ignore all common sense.  It makes me feel smarter.

today's rant: again with the school shootings

I told you this shit would happen again:  another school shooting.  Get used to it, because it ain’t going away anytime soon.  We’re fucked.

Texas Lt. Governor Dan Patrick has gone on record that guns aren’t to blame, but violent video games and abortions are.  Despite the gun control debate and despite what he is being paid to say by the gun lobbyists and anti-abortionists, I can personally guarantee that the mere fact that abortions exist did not contribute to another sniveling little white dipshit murdering those 10 people, some of whom were definitely singled out because he couldn’t get laid.  Wanna motive?!  There’s your answer:  he couldn’t get laid, and he was embarrassed in school by girls the weeks prior.  So fuck Ted Cruz, fuck the politicians in Texas, and fuck their mothers, too.  They are not going to change a thing.  They’ll spout some bullshit rhetoric about how guns are God’s gift to teachers (ironic choice of wording, considering they want God back in the classroom) as a Band-Aid to claim that they are helping to stop the next shooting.  You know what?  It’s not.  You don’t know what will stop the next shooting.  I don’t know what will stop the next shooting.  It’s just going to keep on going because it’s the popular thing to do for young white males who feel slighted.

HOLY SHIT, LOOK AT THAT LAVA IN HAWAII!

today's rant: offended zombies

Have you ever been told not to speak ill of the dead?  Well guess what?  I whole-heartedly disagree.  That is the perfect time to speak ill of anybody.  Want to know why?  Because they’re dead.  They can’t do anything about it.  They’re not going to rise up, push up the lid of whatever box they got shoved in, which by the way is covered by a couple thousand pounds of dirt and rock, and tap you on the shoulder while you are staring at the girl at the other end of the bar and say “Excuse me, but that offended me.”  And if the dead person was cremated, it’s even less likely that someone would get a hundred and fifty pounds of epoxy, mix it with the powdered remains of the decedent, fit it into a mold that vaguely resembles the dead fuck, let the epoxy cure, then let the dead guy waltz into Sunday mass at the point where the priest is saying “peace” 5 times in rapid succession before everyone shakes hands and then shakes hands with YOU and whispers “I didn’t appreciate that.”  It just ain’t gonna happen.  Some people are fucking stupid.

I think my new job uses their sprinklers a little too much every night.  Every morning, as I am walking on the sidewalk towards my entrance, I see that the concrete is littered with the dried corpses of dozens of earthworms.  It looks like the aftermath of the firebombing of District 12 in Mockingjay, except a lot smaller and no smoldering buildings.

I won’t say I am addicted to coffee, but a cup in the morning certainly helps jump-start my brain.  At most, I’ll have two mugs in a day.  The Keurig at work dispenses up to 10 fl oz at time, so if I have that twice, that’s 20 fl oz, or 2 and a half cups in a day.  Having coffee twice does not happen often at work for me.  Always at least 1, though.  When it comes to caffeine consumption, I read online that you can have the equivalent of 4 cups of coffee per day and be OK.  The reason I read that is because this time last year, some teenager in SC died of a caffeine overdose.  In the 2 hours preceding his death, he consumed diet Mountain Dew (either a large fountain drink or a bottle, conflicting accounts), a latte, and an energy drink.  Don’t forget all the extra shit they put in energy drinks.  This caused irregular heartbeat, or arrhythmia, and he dropped dead in the middle of class.  Isn’t chemistry interesting?

I’m trying to pay more attention to euphemisms and just how absurd they can get.  The primary purpose of euphemisms is to obscure reality by distorting the language used to describe something.  Three weeks ago, there was a fire and explosion at a car parts factory in Michigan.  The fire caused a shutdown in production that is affecting other car factories in the country.  The most publicized right now is that Ford can’t make the F-150.  Anyhow, according to the Lansing State Journal, the employee hotline of the Michigan company where the fire was referred to the fire and explosions as a “thermal event.”  Wow!  What a set of balls.  If I was one of the 2 people injured at that factory, I would have a hard time corresponding with a health insurance agent about approving my insurance claim if I was forced to say that my injuries were the result of a “thermal event.”  To me, a series of days of 95°+ weather is a “thermal event”, like a heatwave.  Explosions are explosions, but the company doesn’t want to call them that.  It looks bad when liabilities start piling up.

today's rant: scratch and dent

I worked for Samsung for all of 5 months.  The best thing that came out of my time there was that I gained enough knowledge to justify buying a new washing machine when I discovered a leak in my old one.  I knew enough to estimate the cost of repairs if I hired somebody or how much work and time lost there would be if I tried to fix it myself.  The ultimate deciding factor was that I saw mold forming where water was leaking.  That was all it took.  I couldn’t guess where else the mold was spreading, so the most prudent option was to get a new washing machine.  It would have been an expensive repair anyway.  The simplest choice was to toss the fucker.  The 2^nd best thing that came out of working there was visiting the corporate headquarters and hearing that they refer to the security guards at their mobile phone building as “The Guardians of the Galaxy”.  I appreciate a sense of humor.

If you see something or hear a salesperson say that something comes with a limited warranty when buying an appliance, this is misleading terminology.  The misleading is intended.  It is not like you are buying an appliance and you are getting a limited warranty for free on top of it.  The truth is that the warranty is factored into the price of the appliance.  As evidence of this, I direct you to the scratch and dent section.  Chances are good that an appliance is half off the original price of the appliance (note:  I said “original” price, not the sale price.  At an appliance store, I seriously doubt they ever sell for the “original” price).  So, if a washing machine’s original price is $1,000, the scratch price will probably be around $500, sold as is.  Know why it is “sold as is”?  It is because the store has already filed a complaint against the manufacturer about the scratch and got the entire price of the appliance back already.  It would cost too much to bring the unit back to Asia or wherever it came from, so they just let them keep it.  However, since the store got their money back, this voids the warranty.  So that $500 price tag is pretty much all profit for the store.  Getting back to the beginning of the paragraph, most of the time, the limited warranty is expired by the time a malfunction comes around.  Therefore, you unknowingly pay for the limited warranty for no good reason.  Enter the stores who offer you their extended warranty that THEY profit from.  Juggle that risk if you want, but the longer that appliance runs, the risk for malfunction goes up exponentially.  I’ve see the charts and I’ve seen the math.  You don’t fuck with charts and math… unless you are Enron or their accountants, and look what happened to them.

today's rant: online dating honesty, Waffle House

I think it would be interesting if online dating services forced male members to disclose, as part of their public profiles, instances of:

-          Being called to their HR department for complaints made about his comments to/regarding females

-          Any past or present restraining orders or outstanding warrants

-          Current child support payments (required per court order vs. actual provided)

-          Up-to-date STD test results

I’d also want to know the percentage of profiles that would be put on hiatus or deleted if those disclosures were put into place.

Last year, the mobile application for Monster, the job search website, changed its format to a swipe right/left for job postings that their special algorithms think match your background; swipe right to apply, or swipe left to disregard.  Yeah.  Monster is now the Tinder of job searches.

In the fictional universes of comic books, you see a fair amount of characters that are neither aligned with the polar opposites of heroes or villains.  So many characters in the grey area make for more entertainment and drama.  You don’t see a lot of that in Star Wars.  I can only think of one character types that fit that mold:  scoundrels.  In this context, “scoundrels” include characters that are not closely affiliated with the light-side, good-guy characters (Luke, Leia, Rey, etc.) or the dark-side, bad-guy characters (Vader, Jabba, Kylo Ren).  Each of the major trilogies had had clear-cut dueling factions:  Jedi vs. Sith, Republic vs. Confederacy, Rebel Alliance vs. Empire, Resistance vs. First Order.  Scoundrels include bounty hunters (the Fetts), pirates (Han), and, more recently, hackers/slicers (DJ).  They rarely picked sides on a permanent basis.  You really have to dive deep into the Expanded Universe to find other types that fit the gray area between the polar affiliations (non-interfering species like the Chiss, fringe sects of Force-practitioners).  Such a shame that it was declared non-canon.  It is going to take a long time and, if they are making movies for it like “Solo”, a lot of production value to recreate the spectrum of character morality.

I don’t have anything snarky to say about a guy shooting up a Waffle House.  The only thing I objectively have to say about Waffle House is simply personal experience from one that I visited in Montgomery, Alabama.  I don’t like eggs when the whites aren’t fully cooked.  In general, your dining experiences are a crap shoot, depending on the cooks.  I will say that, once again, some sniveling little white dipshit with nothing better to do made a whole lot of trouble for no good reason, although this time, he was enabled by his father.  Gun permit was revoked, then cops told the dad not to give the guns back to him.  He did, and one of them was used.  Live with the shame, pops.  Another option is to kill yourself in front of your son at one of his upcoming court appearances.  That ought to get the message to sink in to him.  Throw yourself from a balcony.  That will work in case there are metal detectors at the courthouse and you can’t bring anything sharp in.

Today's rant: dinner as a dad

There is one little small thing, totally innocent and nobody’s fault, that gives me a very uncomfortable feeling.  When I pick my son up from daycare, there is this random 4 year old that rushes at me faster that my own kid and hugs me around the waist.  It is all I can do not to scream “STRANGER DANGER” a the doorway of a room filled with children too young for formal education.  Come on, do you know how tall a 4 year old is?  I don’t need that kid hugging my legs.  Not for me, NOT FOR ME!  If this boy does this for a total stranger, come Christmas time, he must act like a coked out wolverine in the cereal aisle of the grocery store ripping open every box just to find and eat the marshmallows.  Good thing daycare is closed for Christmas.  As you can tell, children in general are objectively both funny and scary from my adult point of view.

I have flat-out told my kids that I don’t like going out to dinner anymore specifically because of them.  They fuck shit up.  I almost always end up angry, tired, and frustrated with everyone halfway through dinner.  Firstly, there is the debate of who sits next to mommy.  Nobody wants to sit next to me.  Whenever one is forced to, they start crying.  Then, completely oblivious of the consequences, my wife will say “Just let him/her come here and get the other one”.  What do you think happens?  Right.  The other one will start crying.  I haven’t even sat down yet, and I already want to storm out of a restaurant because the kids can’t stop emitting their high-pitched wails of spoiled fuckery.  Then, there is the blowing of the straw paper across the tables.  That particular trick was taught to them by their grandfather.  Thank you, father-in-law.  I don’t mind if the paper stays at our table, but I do not need to deal with the fuckheads at the booth next to ours when one of them goes rogue.  When the food finally does arrive, after my daughter has asked 6 times when the food will be out because the obviously thinks I have a fucking timer on my watch that is synced to the restaurant’s kitchen, we’re lucky if the kids eat half of their orders.  Sometimes they fill up on fruit or French fries.  On occasion, my son will flat out refuse to eat what has been given to him.  At Olive Garden, despite being told that what he ordered was not a real grilled cheese sandwich, he insists that it is when he points to the stupid little picture on the children’s menu.  When it comes out, he completely loses his shit as if I just told him his grandparents were dead.  It’s a quesadilla-like fucking thing, which confuses the fuck out of me because this is supposed to be a faux-Italian restaurant, not a faux-Mexican restaurant.  The only comforting words I have for him are “Well, I fucking told you so.”  Then all he wants to do is let it stay there.  No one else can touch the food he doesn’t want.  When I go to take a bite, he screams at me.  “Well then you eat it!”  “NOOOO!”

Apparently, my daughter is “graduating” Kindergarten in 2 weeks.  I had to actually use that word when I RSVP’ed “yes” for her teacher.  In my opinion, it is not a graduation.  I wife is getting a Master’s degree on the same day.  THAT is a fucking graduation.  Here is how I see it:  unless you are physically leaving a school with a certificate, diploma, or degree and you’d have to re-register to continue your education, it’s not a graduation.  I swear to God, if my daughter puts “Graduated Kindergarten May, 2018” on any resume categorized under her education, I will personally tear up the resume.

I am glad that my kids lost their little tablet computers.  Serves ‘em right for paying so much attention to them and obsessing over them.  The thing the irked me the most was when my daughter would be on this kids version of YouTube.  The only thing she would watch was videos of moms and girls playing with dolls.  These videos were made my women who were paid money by toy companies to open toy boxes and play with the toys on camera exclusively for the purpose of posting it on the internet.  My daughter could not understand this socioeconomic concept or method of advertising.  When failing to explain to her how the scam worked, I would usually break down, cry, and scream “WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WATCHING VIDEOS OF OTHER PEOPLE PLAYING WITH TOYS?!  GET THE FUCK UPSTAIRS AND PLAY WITH YOUR TOYS!!!”  As you can tell, we have a lot of deep, meaningful, philosophical conversations.  Adults, I am not letting you off the hook here, either.  Unless you are watching a tutorial, there is no… NO reason why grown men should be watching videos on the internet of other people playing video games.  I’m talking to you, person 3 desks away from me.  Just because some kid created a Super Mario World level that is difficult doesn’t mean you should watch a video of him fail to finish the level.  Go home and play the game yourself.

If you work in the field of quality control and are looking for a good laugh, I highly recommend reading the parody document “DUMB AS9100”.  It is a parody of the aerospace quality standard AS9100.  Do a google search and you should find it.

today's rant: new car?

I am probably going to need to buy a bigger car before the end of the year.  Whoopie.  I just got done paying off my current car last year, and now I may need another one.  We’re planning on adopting two siblings, so that means my sedan isn’t big enough for everyone.  The law requires that I have two child safety seats for my two current kids because they are not big or heavy enough to be “safe” in the car’s defacto seatbelts.  This was not a problem when I was a kid.  I dealt with my seatbelt digging into my neck with no problem whatsoever.  Besides, the mark looks like someone tried to cut my throat and I survived.  Bonus points for me looking like a badass.

The point is that with the child safety seats currently in my sedan, there is no room for 2 teenagers in my car, not even if one of them sits in the front passenger seat.  The only option is to have a car with a third row.  While I like the prospect of getting something with more room, satellite radio, and a push-button start because my lazy wrist isn’t up to turning a key, my wife already has a minivan.  There’s the third row right there.  Let’s just use that car.  Jeez, if only that were the case.  Right now, I’m the one dropping the little kids off at school or daycare and picking them up.  If I have to do that with 2 more kids, I certainly can’t put one or two of them in trunk, now can I?

One apprehension of giving up my sedan is that it is my friend.  We’ve been through a lot together.  I’ve slammed on the breaks, sped off in it, accelerated, avoided car crashes, gotten into car crashes… I know my car’s limits.  For example, take Han Solo and the Millennium Falcon.  The Falcon was upgraded and modified and if something falls apart or vibrates a certain way, he knows what’s wrong and he knows for hard he can push his ship.  So if I can pretend to be Harrison Ford, I’m going to do it for as long as I damn well can.

For shiggles (shits + giggles), I have been looking at potential midsize SUVs to replace my car.  I’m not in a position to buy one right now, but when the time is right, I want to know what to expect.  I don’t want to keep my sedan if I need a bigger car.  That’s car insurance and maintenance I don’t want to pay for, even if any of the teenagers will be old enough to learn how to drive some years down the road.  So I’m either going to trade my car in or sell it.  Unfortunately, since some bitch ran a red light and T-boned me last fall, the resale value of my car is down.  For a trade-in, I’d probably get $5k-$6k; selling it by myself, maybe $7k-$8k.  That’s a damn shame because I’ve been keeping this car in good working order for as long as I’ve had it.  It’s way less than what my previous car was worth when it was totaled.

Looking at potential makes, I am going to choose an Asian manufacturer.  Sorry, but I’ve been told Ford stands for “Fix Or Repair Daily”.  I don’t need that crap.  I need something with quality built in, and as a person who works in quality control, history and reputation speak volumes.  My current sedan has 120,000 mi on it over 4 years with no problems for the most part.  I’d push the car to 200,000 if I could.  The only complaint I have is that the car battery needed to be replaced recently.  I thought that shit was supposed to last longer! I want to see what happens to the old car batteries.  I want to know how they dispose of them.  If I had the opportunity, I’d do some experiments.  Let’s see what happens when we crack open a battery while it is on top of some Styrofoam.  What happens when you use a guillotine?  How far can you lug one of those things with catapult?

I do not know the thought processes of a 4 year old boy who suddenly breaks down and throws a temper tantrum for a reason as simple as “we have to go to daycare, so you don’t have time to watch television”, but I will try to contextualize it in a way that adults would be able to comprehend.  The way he reacted is as if I dumped a bucket of ice water on him to wake him up and made him watch while I murdered Cat Boy, skull-fucked his eye-socket, and ate all the ice cream in the house while doing so.  IF I had done all of those things, then I would be able to understand why he was screaming as loudly as he was.

 

Today's rant: Good Friday

One day, software engineers will develop a mobile application that will allow women to determine if they are pregnant by urinating on their phone.

Since I am a fan of George Carlin and since today is Good Friday, I'd like to share this quote from Carlin, giving his version of unbiased media coverage of the day, from his book When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?:

" 'Today is Good Friday, observed worldwide by Jesus buffs as the day on which the popular, bearded cultural figure, sometimes referred to as The Messiah, was allegedly crucified and—according to legend—died for mankind's so-called sins. Today kicks off a 'holy' weekend that culminates on Easter Sunday, when, it is widely believed, this dead 'savior'—who also, by the way, claimed to be the son of a sky-dwelling, invisible being known as God—mysteriously 'rose from the dead.' According to the legend, by volunteering to be killed and actually going through with it, Jesus saved every person who has ever lived—and every person who ever will live—from an eternity of suffering in a fiery region popularly known as hell, providing—so the story goes—that the person to be 'saved' firmly believes this rather fanciful tale.'  That would be an example of unbiased news reporting. Don't wait around for it to happen. The aliens will land first."

On a side note, given the investigations into Russian interference on social media to persuade American election results, it has only just recently dawned on me that the reason most of my page hits are from Russia is that they are looking for social media fodder.   Well fuck you, you godless commie heathens.  You lost the Cold War, and I bet some of you weren't even alive during it.  Grow the fuck up.  What part of "mutually assured destruction" don't you understand?  No matter who fires the nukes first, we are all fucking DEAD!  I know you are not as stupid as suicide bombers.  If you were, we would've all been dead 30 years ago.

Today's rant: international travel

Last year, I had the opportunity to travel to South Korea for business.  My initial feeling was "Ooh!  I get to catch Farfetch'd on Pokemon Go!  Fuck yeah!"  For those who do not play or have stopped playing, there are certain Pokemon that are specific to a geographical region.  Farfetch'd is exclusive to Japan and South Korea.  So, about a week and a half into my trip, I'm taking a piss in a men's room, and *poof* there he is!  That may have been the most productive thing I did on that trip.

Have you ever flown to Asia from North America?  In coach?  Wow.  Fuck.  Imagine being pressed against a wall sitting in a wheelchair that isn't made for you for 14 hours unable to move your hips or shoulders.  I wasn't able to sleep the entire time.  I was a zombie for 3 days afterward.  Because of the curvature of the Earth and the direction of the wind gusts, the fastest way to get to South Korea was to go up and around Alaska.  The screens in the headboard in front of every seat were able to show the temperature outside.  Fucking -75 Fahrenheit.  Above all, I didn't realize until right before the flight that we were flying in the opposite direction as the Earth's rotation.  Do you know what that means?  THE SUN WOULD NEVER SET!  Sun in the day, sun in the night, no sleep!  For the return trip, I seriously considered paying the extra $1500 upgrade fee to get a first class seat with one of those chairs that folds backwards into a cot.  They call it a bed, but if it as wide as a toddler bed but long enough for an adult, I'm calling it a cot.

I like some Korean food.  The barbecue is really good.  Korean barbecue is not like American barbecue.  One person on our trip did not know that before we went out to lunch.  A lot of us ordered a barbecue beef entree.  She stared at it for about five minutes before trying to pick out the beef.  Come on.  Bean sprouts are not that bad.  They're in egg rolls.  And seriously, did you really think that it would be same thing as, say, brisket?  Of everything I had there, I'd recommend the Korean barbecue to my family because I think it will freak them out the least.  I also had bibimbap.  I liked that too.  The 3 times I had it, it was with beef, egg, and spicy octopus.  Wow, do they like spicy food.  Also liked bulgogi, which is a thinly sliced marinated beef.

Korean breakfast is not like breakfast in the western hemisphere.  They tend to eat the same food every meal of the day, including kimchi.  Kimchi is a brined vegetable, usually cabbage, that comes as a side dish for every meal.  Every meal.  Since I was raised in the US, I never considered cabbage swimming in vinegar as part of a balanced breakfast.  Was never exposed to it.  After 2 weeks, I'm sad to say I lost my taste for it.

One weekend, I found a Domino's and ordered a pizza.  Dollar for dollar, it was a little more expensive than back in the states, but I didn't care.  You know what they serve as a side for the pizza?  Pickles.  When I brought it up, some of the Koreans said "What?  You don't get pickles with your pizza?"  You should look up some of the different pizza topping combos available in Korea.  The only ones I recognize is cheese and pepperoni.

Today's rant: my rules to live by

1. Always ask "Why?"

2. Tip before coupon.

3. If taking a shit takes t minutes, flush at intervals of t/2 or t/3.

4. 24-hour cable news networks are lying to you.  Don't listen.

5. If a college or church has to advertise, don't go there.

6. Be nice to people you work with. Eventually, you'll have to ask them for something.

7. If you can't afford it, don't buy it.

8. Shout profanity.

9. It isn't worth fighting over a parking space. Just take the space, give the middle finger, and go into the store.

10. Bad shit happens to everybody, regardless of good behavior.  However, this is not an excuse for bad behavior.
11. When traveling long distances, wash your hands at every stop.
12.  If you are involved in a live show, don't eat Taco Bell within a 24-hour time period before a performance.
13.  Say "thank you" for small things.
14.  Pick the radio contests you try to win carefully.  There is at least a 1 month waiting period before you can win the next prize.

today's rant: school shootings

I'd just like to say, in the wake of another mass shooting at an American school, to not expect this kind of bullshit to go away any time soon.  So long as there are sniveling little white dipshits stupid enough to fail to move on from school life, this is going to be more and more commonplace on an exponential level.  Nobody could stop this shit 20 years ago, and nobody can stop this shit now.  No matter how many gun laws enacted (or not, depending on the majority political party), no matter how much meaningless social media uproar, no matter the efforts to remove the stigma of mental health so that people can be helped easier, there are going to be more and more highly publicized and elaborate mass shootings in American public schools.  The reason is simple:  leading up to said massacre, sniveling little white dipshits don't give a flying fuck about anything except doing the most damage possible before they are either caught, killed, or kill themselves.

The average American has no idea how to counter that.  I have no idea how to counter that.  I think the reason why we as a people are ill-equipped to deal with this kinda thing is because we have not taken a timeout to talk it over.  We're too fat, happy, and prosperous to bother with it.  We're so focused on Kardashians or female-only Doritos or Despacitos or whatever the fuck is going on in pop culture.  Personally, I think it's a miracle that we're even talking about sexual harassment on a national level.  It's a godsend!  However, back on school shootings, I promise that the conversation that needs to take place is not going to happen any time soon, but I do have an idea of what could stimulate the conversation.  It may be eventual, but it's not going to be easy or pleasant.  In my opinion, a sitting federal politician will have a family member killed in a mass school shooting before any real action is done to stop it.  Sad, isn't it?  I don't like it, and I wish there would be a mass renaissance of the sniveling little white dipshit human spirit before that happens, but since the pace of progress has the blistering speed of my brother's pet desert tortoise, a good kick in the balls in Washington D.C. would garner some attention, don't'cha think?  I wish I had a better answer.  I really do.  But if Gabrielle Giffords, the Arizona Congresswoman, could get her face blown off 7 years ago and we are still no closer to solving the problem, then what the fuck?  Having a sitting politician getting shot didn't change a thing.  The next logical step is their families.

I don't own a gun.  However, it is my firm opinion that every American has the right to have a gun in their house found by a child and accidentally have their brains blown to kingdom come.  They have that right.  I have that right, but I willingly choose not to exercise it.  Anyhow, the point is that I am not an expert of firearms, nor the culture or politics behind them.  I AM an expert of bullshit.  And trust me, the whole "gun control" vs "mental health" dick-tug of war between the democrats and the republicans is one heaping bowl of steaming bullshit.  For all the talk, hardly anything gets done.  So in the end, the argument is pointless.  If they really gave a flying fuck, they'd put their shriveled up dicks back in their overpriced pants and figure something out.

Has anyone ever used a firearm inside the Capitol building?  Maybe in the 19th century to settle a duel or something.

Off-topic, but it bears mentioning:  I say let teenagers eat laundry detergent pods if they want.  Worst case scenario:  it cleans the gene pool.

Today's rant: 2 years

Well, hi. Been a while. What has happened in the past 2 years?

Oh yeah, Donald Trump is President of the United States. Fucking Christ, people are stupid. If voting citizens has any brains at all, they wouldn't have elected anyone or anything given the choice of candidates. From a purely analytical point of view, there are 2 main differences between Bush Jr and Trump.  Firstly, Trump isn't retarted.  holy shit, W is retarded.  just read his quote a day calendar.  trump ain't retarded.  he's an asshole.  i should know.  i'm an asshole.  secondly, while both republican presidents and their constituents are total liars, trump and co.'s lies are ridiculously blatant and easily disprovable.  it's awesome.  i'd be laughing my tits off if the fate of the world wasn't partially in his orange hands.

i wish i thought it was even 1% safe to write about my job here.  however, i like electricity and running water in my house

also in the past 2 years, pokemon go became a thing.  it's been 1 year and 4 days since i downloaded the app, and i'm still playing it.  screw you.  i have every right to be caught up in whatever rehashing of 90s pop culture I choose, and holy shit, there is a lot to choose from.  let's see what else there is:  transformers, ninja turtles, my little pony, someone named clinton ran for president.  i'm surprised someone else from nirvana hasn't blown their brains out.

when i have to take my daughter to the bathroom at a family restaurant, especially applebees, she pulls the toilet handle with her foot.  why you may ask?  because my wife taught her that because she is a germaphobe.  she insists, constantly, that the handle is for your foot and not your hand.  despite all logical reason, i am unable to convince her otherwise.  i am having engineering arguments in the men's room of an applebees with other locals who want nothing more than to take a piss and return to their triple chocolate meltdown, repeatedly proving not only does that the shape of the handle make for maximum effectivity when used in a close hand, but also that if the handle were indeed intended for use with a foot, it would ergonomically make more sense to put a foot pedal ON THE FUCKING FLOOR, WHERE THE FEET ARE NATURALLY!  i am not giving my daughter any leeway.  in the end, she goes running back to her mother explaining that i am completely wrong because mommy said so.  at least i'm not the one lying to my daughter.  someone has to be the model for truth, justice, and using the toilet correctly.  i'm just the man for the job.  i auditioned for it in the sack, and when she popped out, i got the part.

Today's rant: where's the outrage?

Where's the outrage?  I'll tell you where. It's with the person yelling "where's the outrage". It's as fucking simple as that. I'm sick of reading that drivel of the English language in facebook posts and newspapers. That phrase ranks with up high as one of the stupidest things anyone can say, in between "are you busy" and "what time is it". Every time a tragedy gets down to the issue of skin color, whether there is a shooting of a cop who isn't white, or the cops shoot a teenager who isn't black, that fucking phrase pops up.

No one gives a fuck. That's where the outrage is. You don't like it, then YOU be the outrage, you lazy cunt. Stop your bitching and do something about it. Go hog wild. Stab a bunch of people in the neck on a loaded train during rush hour. Then get mauled by an array of police bullets. If you're lucky, maybe somebody will be outraged and pick up where you left off. It's the circle of life. Now really, does outrage sound like the best idea to you?

Today's rant: lion

Fuck Cecil the lion. I don't give a shit. I don't care if some dentist paid $50k to hunt a lion. Beats the shit out of paying $50k to kill a human like in "Hostel".

I would love to eat a lion steak, get some food caught in my teeth, then hire that dentist to get the meat unstuck from my teeth. I'd give him a high five.

Whether the fucking cat was killed without a proper permit or not does not change the fact that YOU CAN STILL GET A PERMIT TO HUNT LION. LION HUNTING IS NOT ILLEGAL. And mom, no. The lion was not famous. Unless the cat contributed something to western society, like blowing Newt Gingrich or mauling Sarah Palin, it was not famous.

How sheepish are you motherfuckers who bitch and moan about one lion that you have never heard of before this week and do not even bother condemning all forms of hunting, fishing, and in general all forms of animal food and clothing like the vegans?  They and the animal rights groups, like PETA, are the only ones who have the right to say anything about the big dead cat.  As a comedian, Jimmy Kimmel should be ashamed of himself.

today's rant: emotional issues

for reasons that escape me, i received 170 pages views yesterday.  thanks for taking time out of your life to read my stuff.  time is precious, and i appreciate that.

because time is so precious, i am dumbfounded that people would waste a beautiful saturday standing outside the columbia state house... again... and get worked up about something that has no physical impact on the real world, like taking down that goddamn confederate flag.  is there a thought process that goes into organizing a bunch of shaved, tattooed, grumpy white people to go bitch and moan about something like that?  i am more pissed off at the confederate flag for tugging at people's reactions for taking it down than for its relation to racial issues. 

today's rant: superheroes & bedbugs

the TV show i am currently binging on is "louie".  despite the allegation that he masturbates in front of female comedians, the show is funny as fuck.

i am a fan of the darwin awards.  a couple of months ago, i was fortunate to find a story and submit it for review by the site's moderators.  they thought it was worthy of an honorable mention, as the subject of the story is still alive.  i did a little research on the person in question, and it is quite interesting.  here is some backstory.  apparently, the person suffers from paranoia.  before the darwin incident, he was homeless and living in a rental car he stole from florida.  the bank foreclosed on his home and he maintains a blog and his facebook page using public wifi at stores and libraries.  in his posts, he is adamant that there is a conspiracy covering up the death of his friend, which he classifies as a murder.  now, getting to the darwin incident.  he spent so much time in the stolen rental car that he attracted bed bugs.  according to cops, a friend told him that alcohol would kill the bugs.  so, he doused the fabric of the car seats in rubbing alcohol, sat in the car, and lit up a cigarette.  FOOOSH!  he suffered 1st and 2nd degree burns and destroyed 3 cars, including the rental.  mental situation aside, you have to be a pretty humungo derp-de-derp to think that lighting up a drag was a good idea in that car.

my daughter likes to touch the TV screen and point at things.  i have to remind her "it's not a touch screen.  it's not an iphone."

i think it is very important to read comic books and show superhero cartoons to children.  aside from superpowers, a lot of superheroes are very smart.  please note, i am limiting this list to marvel superheroes as i do not follow any other comic universe.

the incredible hulk:  nuclear physicist
she-hulk:  lawyer
daredevil:  lawyer
iron man:  engineering genius, owns his own company
spider-man:  teacher, owns his own company
mr. fantastic:  scientist, smartest human in the marvel comic universe, though his daughter may surpass him
dr. strange:  neurosurgeon
thor (jane foster):  M.D.
professor x:  geneticist
ant-man:  created his own atomic particles

today's rant: flaggots

in my opinion, the resurgence of the confederate flag issue is pure bullshit.  taking down the confederate flag from the sc state house does not bring 9 people back from the dead.  this act was purely symbolic and emotional, serving no actual physical purpose.

my wife:  "they took it down for the wrong reason."
me:  "they put it UP for the wrong reason."

what i love best is that the skin heads come out to bitch and moan about their bullshit ideology and wave their shit around as if they were in a gay pride parade.  the irony is beautiful.  they are flaggots.

yesterday, i saw two pickup trucks driving around with a flagpole mounted in the bed that had the confederate flag mounted.  look, i am not against individuals displaying whatever flag they want on their private property.  however, at the very least, they need to be able to take all the ridicule that rightfully and justifiably comes hurling their way.  if you like the confederate flag and dislike what you are reading at this point, let me give you an example:  i am a mets fan.  you are a racist.  i can defend my statement to every one of my coworkers in my place of employment.  can you?  take the ridicule, you pussy.

has to be a rough month to be a skin head.  first, state bans on gay marriage are ruled unconstitutional, then the toilet paper that they call a flag is removed from a government building.  the only thing that would put the icing on the cake would be if the rest of the country converted to judaism.  l' chaim!

Today's rant: state same-sex marriage bans unconstitutional

Celebrate marriage equality!  Watch lesbian porn!

I often wonder what types of clothes alien cultures are accustomed to. I speculate that there is an alien culture that wears neckties around their genitals.

today's rant: charleston

I live one town over from Lexington, SC, where the church shooter is from. For those unaware, it takes 2 hours to drive from there to Charleston. That is a long time to brood. I don't have that kind of free time. If I did, I'd find something constructive to do. 

I believe in the spirit of the 8th Amendment against cruel and unusual punishment. I do not think anyone should pay fines disproportionate to their crimes. However, I think we can allow some room for torture in the case of first degree murder. The first thing that comes to mind is the opening scene of "Quantum of Solace" where James Bond is strapped naked to a wicker chair with the seat mesh missing and being flogged in the testicles with an overly long slapjack. 

I love that a bunch of white people narced on him. Fuck him.

today's rant: perfect game

the only reason the title is called "perfect game" is because my last post was my 300th.  who can fucking believe that i have the patience to sit down and get this shit out of my head three hundred times?

um, i am not a specialist in anything to do with the NAACP.  therefore, one way on the other i don't care.  don't even bring it up to me.  i don't care who the bitch is.  i don't care what she thinks she is.  if you talk about it to me, i will tune it out and start thinking about how jenna jameson is converting to judaism.  believe it or not, that is more relevant news to me.  same goes for caitlyn jenner and the entire kardashian family.  i don't care.  you shouldn't either.

i'm back in new york for a week for vacation.  jesus christ, i have missed toasted NY bagels.  i saw "avenue Q" for the first time last night.  bless those puppets.

i have a serious question and i am looking for the answer.  why the FUCK do top 40 radio stations STILL FUCKING PLAY "i'll be missing you" by puff diddy daddy farty licky piffy party and "all the small things" by blink-182?  i mean holy shit!  one of those songs is now old enough to fuck without having to worry about the age of consent! 

today's rant: lindy

i still am able to receive local news from long island, despite living in south carolina, because i still have the News 12 app on my phone and their parent company, Cablevision, never deactivated my login information.  I can watch live TV on that channel if i wanted to on my phone.  a few weeks ago, they reported that a letter was found in the mailbox of a black family from my old town, lindenhurst.  the letter asked the family to leave the town because they did not belong.  if you research the letter, it actually used the word "please".  say what you will about lindenhurst racist white people, but they are polite.  fun fact:  at one point, lindy had a KKK chapter.  wonder if some skeevy shit still goes down?  i don't wonder.  i know.

last week, a 4 kids (1 of which my mother-in-law used to babysit) from lindenhurst were busted in levittown with 95 packs of heroin in the car.  THAT is the kind of shit that does not need to be in lindenhurst.  black people are not the problem in lindenhurst.  stupid, drug-dealing white people are the problem.

according to the american legislative exchange council in a "report card on american education", my resident state, south carolina, was dead last.  kinda gives you a warm fuzzy feeling inside.  well, i hope buying a house in one of the 2 best HS districts in the state pays off.  bet your ass i will be a part of how well my kids are being taught.  i give a shit.