today's rant: dick in a box, originally 4/5/07

well, the eventual happened.  with all of the parodies, covers, and copies of the now infamous SNL short from last christmas, it was inevitable that someone would take it to a cappella.  for all i know, someone already has before me, but i'm just happy to get it out of me, so let me at least have this moment, you asshole.  the grammy-worthy collaboration between justin timberlake and andy samburg beautifully dubbed "dick in a box" now has an a cappella version sitting in a sheet music file saved on my laptop.

on a side note, it's about time that justin timberlake finally did something worthwhile in his solo career.  i'm not knocking his vocal ability, but some things about him don't really merit all of the attention he has gotten.  i heard an interview a few years back, back when i still watched mtv, saying how "inspired" he was being brought up with so many hip hop influences when he was a kid.  apparently, he repressed his childhood and recreated it because his interview's claim wasn't too clear on his starsearch performance, where he was singing country music wearing a cowboy hat (basically, any "brokeback mountain" fan's pedophilic fantasy).  he should know better than anyone that when you're life is put under a microscope, you got to watch the shit that you say, because it can bite you in the ass.  just ask donald rumsfeld, the king of deniability.  besides that, our good friend justin has taken a page out of his old nsync songwriter's playbook and is starting to make the same songs over and over again.  case and point:  "cry me a river" and "what goes around".  if you feel that you are up to the task, listen to any pop music radio station for a while until you get to his latest single.  hopefully, you'll get to the song before your brain melts from the toxic fumes from the utterly shitty music that's on the radio waves.  when you finally get to the song, do yourself a favor and start singing the lyrics to "cry me a river" over the radio.  it perfectly fits the song, stanza for stanza, chorus for chorus.

ok, back to the topic and hand.  so, now that i have "dick in a box" in a cappella format, i'm starting to think of all the lovely places the high c's can possibly perform it.  top on my list:  elementary schools.  this is probably my first pick because of my undying urge to just blast off vulgar and offensive shit in front of impressionable youths.  why not?  cable tv does it all the time, and god bless it for doing so.  c'mon, how fucking hilarious would it be to just put a wrapped up shoe box on a belt, wear it, and yell at the top of my lungs "it's my dick in a box"?  ...ok maybe not.  scratch that idea.  i guess the kelly coffee house will have to do.  at least it's a college crowd.

the arrangement may still need a little tweaking before it is performance-ready.  keep in mind, i just finished it today after working on it for only 3 days.  it doesn't sound melodic enough, but at least i think i got the chords down right, and that's an accomplishment in itself.  random thought:  carrie underwood's song "jesus, take the wheel" sounds like it would be the perfect theme song for an action movie.  the new "die hard" movie is coming out in the summer, and that sounds like something bruce willis would say.  let's say that he's in a car chasing a bad guy and he's got a rocket launcher.  obviously, he can't fire it and drive at the same time because the fucker's too big.  mr. mac justin long is his sidekick, so maybe bruce possibly sees the bad guys in the car in front of him getting ready to throw some grenades.  all he's got is the rocket launcher, so upon seeing the grenades, he yells at justin long "jesus!  take the wheel."  at that point, he reaches in his back seat, pulls out the rocket launcher, leans outside the car window and blows the bad guys' car to kingdom fucking come before saying "yippie kie yay, mother fucker."