leave it to the mets to sweep the yanks in 4, then get swept by the worst team in their division. fuck.
just because i've moved to south carolina does not mean i have stopped considering myself a new yorker. i still plan on watching web streams of the mets and giants whenever i have the opportunity. i still long for umberto's sicilian pizza and a&s bagels. i miss doing the st. mark's bar run ending up at the comedy cellar (i remember doing this for my 24th birthday with my brother and my college roommate. it is the most drunk i have ever been without throwing up. the night was literally "beer, beer, beer, beerbeerbeer, sake, sake, sake, sake, beer, beer, burger, beer". i got to see greg geraldo that night before he OD'ed a few years back) when i am asked about college football down here, i have to catch myself from saying "oh, no. i'm from new york, where they play real sports." i instead go with the true-but-placating response "oh, no. i'm from new york. our college teams suck." i will give the south this: their peaches are awesome. when i bite into a ripe peach in the summer, it is orgasmic.
oddly enough, when i mentioned at work that i will be taking a few days off to finalize the sale of my house back in new york, i have had repeated requests to bring pizza back from new york. it makes me wonder what sort of poison out of which they make their pizza down here. makes me feel better that i haven't tried it yet.
i know the perfect way for chick-fil-a to increase their revenue 17% immediately: OPEN ON SUNDAYS, YOU FUCKING MORONS!
it seems that with every life-changing moment we have as a family, my wife must find a channel devoted to the topic and watch it 24/7. she did it when we were getting married, she did it when she was pregnant, and she's doing it right the moment since we're getting a house built. you cannot blame me for torturing myself by watching the mets. in my opinion, my self-induced pain is much more dull than listening to what my wife has on TV.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Monday, May 20, 2013
today's rant: car sticker
a few days ago, i read the most ignorant car sticker i have ever seen. it reads as follows:
god said it
i believe it
that ends it
where do i start? the beginning? good idea. "god said it." um, god did not write the bible. no. he didn't. it was written by people. i will allow the possibility that the old testament was transcribed by people from god's words, and that's stretching it a lot. as for the new testament, absolutely not. the book of john was written by john's followers. the book of mark was written by mark's followers. actually, even those books were transcribed and translated century after century by people of the cloth from language to language. quality control being as sticky as was in those days with a serious lacking of journalistic ethical standards, the bible as it is today is in no way, shape, or form an exact transcript of god's words dating back a few millenia. therefore, we can flush that first line down the toilet.
next up, "i believe it." good for you. i'm happy that you think you believe it. i'm sure you've come to terms about not being able to eat shellfish, not being able to trim your sideburns, not being able to eat pork, and plucking your lustful eye out whenever you watch porn. then again, if you actually did that, you wouldn't be driving a car in the first place because of your lack of depth perception, and you wouldn't have the stupid fucking car sticker at all.
finally, "that ends it." this is the line i have the biggest problem with. this tells the reader that the owner of the car refuses to be open to intellectual discourse or any possible rebuttal. they openly announce that they choose to be in a logical vacuum in which they live in ignorant bliss for all to point and snicker. the person's iq automatically goes down about 40 points with this proclamation of self-righteous disdain of the beliefs of others. i challenge this person to stand by their convictions and take the car to fallujah. let's see how long they last.
to me, living by this creedo completely eliminates all original, creative, free, or logical thinking. this goes against human nature and it inhibits any sort of social progress.
i've said it.
if you don't like it,
argue with me.
my wife 1 minute ago: "there is dirt and blood in my bra tonight."
god said it
i believe it
that ends it
where do i start? the beginning? good idea. "god said it." um, god did not write the bible. no. he didn't. it was written by people. i will allow the possibility that the old testament was transcribed by people from god's words, and that's stretching it a lot. as for the new testament, absolutely not. the book of john was written by john's followers. the book of mark was written by mark's followers. actually, even those books were transcribed and translated century after century by people of the cloth from language to language. quality control being as sticky as was in those days with a serious lacking of journalistic ethical standards, the bible as it is today is in no way, shape, or form an exact transcript of god's words dating back a few millenia. therefore, we can flush that first line down the toilet.
next up, "i believe it." good for you. i'm happy that you think you believe it. i'm sure you've come to terms about not being able to eat shellfish, not being able to trim your sideburns, not being able to eat pork, and plucking your lustful eye out whenever you watch porn. then again, if you actually did that, you wouldn't be driving a car in the first place because of your lack of depth perception, and you wouldn't have the stupid fucking car sticker at all.
finally, "that ends it." this is the line i have the biggest problem with. this tells the reader that the owner of the car refuses to be open to intellectual discourse or any possible rebuttal. they openly announce that they choose to be in a logical vacuum in which they live in ignorant bliss for all to point and snicker. the person's iq automatically goes down about 40 points with this proclamation of self-righteous disdain of the beliefs of others. i challenge this person to stand by their convictions and take the car to fallujah. let's see how long they last.
to me, living by this creedo completely eliminates all original, creative, free, or logical thinking. this goes against human nature and it inhibits any sort of social progress.
i've said it.
if you don't like it,
argue with me.
my wife 1 minute ago: "there is dirt and blood in my bra tonight."
Saturday, May 18, 2013
today's rant: bra-wnie
last night, my wife was adjusting her bra while in bed. the lights were off and our eyes had gotten used to the dark for a little while already. when she finished adjusting her bra, she noticed that something about the size of a peanut m&m had fallen out. she seemed very timid and asked me what it was, perhaps thinking that an insect (possibly one of those rolly-polly ones?) had fallen out of her bra. i proceeded to poke the item with the remote control twice. i then swallowed my nerve and ventured tactile contact. i picked it up and proudly proclaimed, "it's a brownie." apparently, a piece of a brownie she ate earlier yesterday had fallen into her bra. now i know where our daughter picked up the habit of having cheerios fall into her diaper. to top it off, tonight, my wife experienced another food/bra anomaly. just 5 minutes ago, she discovered part of our daughter's granola bar in her bra. she exulted the profound words "i knew my bra was itchy but... look, there's chocolate and everything!" i love you too, sweetie.
it is starting to piss me off that my wife is watching hgtv at all hours of the day. i understand the reason why she wants to watch the shows since we're getting a new house built, but the shows themselves are figuratively fucking me in the ear. most shows follow the same exact format. i don't mind shows and movies following the same format, as long as it is entertaining. this shit ain't fucking entertaining. every single fucking time, realtors take prospective property owners around and say "this first property has absolutely nothing that you want and falls well within your budget, so screw you. this property has everything that you want and you cannot ever hope to afford it, you cocksuckers! this third property has some of what you want and you'd have to put the rest in yourself, perfectly matching your budget. by the way, these are the only three properties you can choose from, which is nothing like real life, but you're under contract with us, so tough tuchass. since you're gonna pick this third property anyway, let's spend the other 17 minutes of this show just fucking around and telling the folks at home your pathetic story of how you met when you're getting married." every... fucking... time.
it is starting to piss me off that my wife is watching hgtv at all hours of the day. i understand the reason why she wants to watch the shows since we're getting a new house built, but the shows themselves are figuratively fucking me in the ear. most shows follow the same exact format. i don't mind shows and movies following the same format, as long as it is entertaining. this shit ain't fucking entertaining. every single fucking time, realtors take prospective property owners around and say "this first property has absolutely nothing that you want and falls well within your budget, so screw you. this property has everything that you want and you cannot ever hope to afford it, you cocksuckers! this third property has some of what you want and you'd have to put the rest in yourself, perfectly matching your budget. by the way, these are the only three properties you can choose from, which is nothing like real life, but you're under contract with us, so tough tuchass. since you're gonna pick this third property anyway, let's spend the other 17 minutes of this show just fucking around and telling the folks at home your pathetic story of how you met when you're getting married." every... fucking... time.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
today's rant: bad person burial
right now, i have a really bad stomach virus. i really shouldn't go further than that. why would you want to know that? i don't want to gross you out. there is no point in telling you good people how my asshole is bubbling green twice an hour.
i read that they buried the dead boston bomber brother in an undisclosed location. i do not think that is fair. i think that if someone commits mass murder in a country for PURELY RELIGIOUS OR POLITICAL REASONS (i had to highlight that just to be clear), then we should shame them in death. i believe that the 28th amendment of the united states constitution should state that the burial site of a person, natural-born citizen or not, who has committed mass murder against americans for purely religious or political reasons should have a monument on their burial state of the statue of liberty wearing a strapon sodomizing the mass murderer with uncle sam holding his head and fucking his mouth.
i am not trying to be ignorant or closed minded. i'm sure that the united kingdom wouldn't mind a monument of queen elizabeth forcing a dildo-shaped scepter down the throat of the london bus bombers with winston churchill drinking brandy and giving a golden shower at the same time. it would also be interesting to see a monument of a bull stabbing and bludgeoning the madrid bombers with their horns while members of the spanish inquisition paddle them on the ass with bibles. hey, if american journalists get beheaded on videotape, i don't think this shaming of actually bad people is asking too much. fuck 'em.
i read that they buried the dead boston bomber brother in an undisclosed location. i do not think that is fair. i think that if someone commits mass murder in a country for PURELY RELIGIOUS OR POLITICAL REASONS (i had to highlight that just to be clear), then we should shame them in death. i believe that the 28th amendment of the united states constitution should state that the burial site of a person, natural-born citizen or not, who has committed mass murder against americans for purely religious or political reasons should have a monument on their burial state of the statue of liberty wearing a strapon sodomizing the mass murderer with uncle sam holding his head and fucking his mouth.
i am not trying to be ignorant or closed minded. i'm sure that the united kingdom wouldn't mind a monument of queen elizabeth forcing a dildo-shaped scepter down the throat of the london bus bombers with winston churchill drinking brandy and giving a golden shower at the same time. it would also be interesting to see a monument of a bull stabbing and bludgeoning the madrid bombers with their horns while members of the spanish inquisition paddle them on the ass with bibles. hey, if american journalists get beheaded on videotape, i don't think this shaming of actually bad people is asking too much. fuck 'em.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
today's rant: food
i'm disappointed that every time i say "like a good neighbor, state farm is there", nothing happens. why the hell do i even bother paying my premiums?
someone from stony brook just emailed me about some career fair back at my old college. i've responded by taking his email address and signing him up for a bunch of internet newsletters. i'm signing him up for recipes, government recalls, and religious content. hope he enjoyed having his school email. i wish spamming spammers was always this easy.
my biggest restaurant pet peeve is undercooked chicken. there is no excuse for that. it is akin to the cook telling you "go fuck yourself." it makes me wish that most restaurants would adopt taco bell's quality policy of "like it or we'll eat it." i would freakin love to see that. i may even pay to see some guy choke down 130 degree pink chicken meat because of his neglect.
coming in at a close second is undercooked eggs. to be fair, i sort of ask for it when i order eggs over easy. but then again, that means that the eggs are supposed to have a runny yolk. that does not mean that the egg whites are running clear. that is not breakfast. that is food poisoning and two days of puking and shitting my pants because of food-borne pathogens.
cooking for a baby is a way different food experience that just cooking for my wife, or even cooking for myself. the only way i can gauge if my daughter likes my food or not is whether or not she takes the food out of her mouth and drops it off the side of her high chair. the best part of that is that it makes more food for me.
watching her eat something new is amazing. she has such an inquisitive look on her face. at first, she doesn't know how to handle it. if i feed her something on a spoon or fork, she'll stare at it for 4 seconds, then attempt to take it off with her fingers, especially yogurt. then she'll put halfway through her mouth. this is the point where she is first tasting it. the weird thing that she doesn't follow through. she'll take the food back out of her mouth and stare at it again. either her attention span is still developing or she is thinking "my dad made it taste like this?!" which can either be a good thing or a bad thing. then, she'll put it back in her mouth completely and take two bites. then she stares off into nothingness as if contemplating the meaning of life. in those two bites, fates are decided. either this food is going to be something to keep in our baby-feeding repertoire or this food will justify my wife buying a tablecloth that doubles as a drop cloth underneath the highchair when my daughter takes the food back out of her mouth and discards it off the side of her highchair.
someone from stony brook just emailed me about some career fair back at my old college. i've responded by taking his email address and signing him up for a bunch of internet newsletters. i'm signing him up for recipes, government recalls, and religious content. hope he enjoyed having his school email. i wish spamming spammers was always this easy.
my biggest restaurant pet peeve is undercooked chicken. there is no excuse for that. it is akin to the cook telling you "go fuck yourself." it makes me wish that most restaurants would adopt taco bell's quality policy of "like it or we'll eat it." i would freakin love to see that. i may even pay to see some guy choke down 130 degree pink chicken meat because of his neglect.
coming in at a close second is undercooked eggs. to be fair, i sort of ask for it when i order eggs over easy. but then again, that means that the eggs are supposed to have a runny yolk. that does not mean that the egg whites are running clear. that is not breakfast. that is food poisoning and two days of puking and shitting my pants because of food-borne pathogens.
cooking for a baby is a way different food experience that just cooking for my wife, or even cooking for myself. the only way i can gauge if my daughter likes my food or not is whether or not she takes the food out of her mouth and drops it off the side of her high chair. the best part of that is that it makes more food for me.
watching her eat something new is amazing. she has such an inquisitive look on her face. at first, she doesn't know how to handle it. if i feed her something on a spoon or fork, she'll stare at it for 4 seconds, then attempt to take it off with her fingers, especially yogurt. then she'll put halfway through her mouth. this is the point where she is first tasting it. the weird thing that she doesn't follow through. she'll take the food back out of her mouth and stare at it again. either her attention span is still developing or she is thinking "my dad made it taste like this?!" which can either be a good thing or a bad thing. then, she'll put it back in her mouth completely and take two bites. then she stares off into nothingness as if contemplating the meaning of life. in those two bites, fates are decided. either this food is going to be something to keep in our baby-feeding repertoire or this food will justify my wife buying a tablecloth that doubles as a drop cloth underneath the highchair when my daughter takes the food back out of her mouth and discards it off the side of her highchair.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
today's rant: driving through atlanta
lately for my job, i have to drive from my new home in south carolina to my job in alabama until the south carolina facility opens. my drive takes me from columbia through augusta through atlanta to montgomery. depending on traffic and stops for gas and food, it takes me anywhere between 5 hours 15 minutes to 6 and a half hours when going 70 mph. now, i have not had the opportunity to spend a good amount of time in atlanta. i would like to at some point. i might even be adventurous or drunk enough to go a braves game when the mets play there.
unfortunately for me, my route only takes me south of the main part of atlanta, so i do not get to see much of the city. the interstate i ride takes me though the airport. notice that i did not say "passed the airport." i said "through the airport" and i mean "through the airport." the interstate goes through the airport. look on a map. one miscalculation, a plane is landing on your ass or you are driving through the nathan's hot dogs booth.
you know what would be awesome? strawberry m&m's. by the way, i don't want to hear any grammar nazis coming at me. "oh, there isn't supposed to be an apostrophe there since it's plural and not possessive!" fuck you! i'm staring at the bag right now. there's an apostrophe.
you know what the hardest thing about being on weight watchers is? post-holiday clearance candy. $1 for a five pound bag of pastel m&m's simply because it isn't easter anymore? god bless america.
i am still reveling in the fact that being a father gives me a legitimate excuse to watch cartoons. lately, i was elated to hear that there will be a sequel to finding nemo called finding dory. now i can play finding nemo for my daughter in two years and we can go see finding dory immediately after in the theaters. fuckin' a! (singing in my head "just keep swimming, just keep swimming...")
i might as well say this now while it is early in the season and i still feel happy: let's go mets!
unfortunately for me, my route only takes me south of the main part of atlanta, so i do not get to see much of the city. the interstate i ride takes me though the airport. notice that i did not say "passed the airport." i said "through the airport" and i mean "through the airport." the interstate goes through the airport. look on a map. one miscalculation, a plane is landing on your ass or you are driving through the nathan's hot dogs booth.
you know what would be awesome? strawberry m&m's. by the way, i don't want to hear any grammar nazis coming at me. "oh, there isn't supposed to be an apostrophe there since it's plural and not possessive!" fuck you! i'm staring at the bag right now. there's an apostrophe.
you know what the hardest thing about being on weight watchers is? post-holiday clearance candy. $1 for a five pound bag of pastel m&m's simply because it isn't easter anymore? god bless america.
i am still reveling in the fact that being a father gives me a legitimate excuse to watch cartoons. lately, i was elated to hear that there will be a sequel to finding nemo called finding dory. now i can play finding nemo for my daughter in two years and we can go see finding dory immediately after in the theaters. fuckin' a! (singing in my head "just keep swimming, just keep swimming...")
i might as well say this now while it is early in the season and i still feel happy: let's go mets!
Sunday, March 10, 2013
today's rant: how many squares?
when did "can you name a city in <state name> without the letter <vowel>? bet you can't" get so popular? i bet that if you have seen any of these on your facebook newsfeed, you have immediately thought of five cities off the top of your head if you live in that state, and if you gave it another minute, you could list fifteen others. this is just as dumb as the "how many squares are in this picture? bet you can't find them all" bullshit pictures or the dumb math questions that end with "84% of people get this wrong". it seems that americans are in no short abundance of stupid things to share on their facebook wall. yes, i'm referring to YOU! you too, angry musthachioed person the mirror!
you know that "hide" button on the newsfeed next to each item? i think it would be nice if when you hid something on your feed, an anonymous notification should be sent to the person who you blocked with the following statement:
"one of your facebook friends has permanently hid your posts on their facebook newsfeed. the following reason was given:"
and for the reason, you'd have a choice of 1) misleading, 2) offensive, 3) illegal, 4) degrading to women, 5) libelous, 6) stupid, 7) homoerotic, 8) swedish, 9) prophesied by Nostradamus, or 10) all of the above.
this is my theory on economics and politics: the stock market's performance in inversely proportional to the level of confidence americans have in their government. for example:
Bill Clinton gets a hummer in the White House = Dow Jones hits 11,000
Relief that we're getting a new President = dot-com bubble burst
The comedy riot that was GW Bush's two terms = Dow Jones hits 14,000
Relief that we're getting a new President = housing bubble burst
Credit downgrade, Obamacare, and sequesters = Dow Jones breaks another record
am I detecting a pattern?
this is not a "Democrat vs. Republican" thing. this is a "government" thing. putting a donkey sticker or an elephant sticker on it does not change how it works. all I'm say is let's stop the bickering and ride this stock market wave for all it is worth. i know i am.
in response to the news of elisabeth hasselbeck leaving the view, scientists have predicted a 548% higher occurrence of the phrases "cunt on the loose! there's a cunt on the loose! hide the children!"
i think the vatican should invest in a space program. i'm surprised they haven't done it yet with all the money they have. think about it. they want to be closer to god. what better way then to strap the next pope into a rocket with a monkey and have them go meet god? i'm sure god will pick them up once they get out of the atmosphere. wouldn't that be awesome if that was in the new pope's job description?
you know that "hide" button on the newsfeed next to each item? i think it would be nice if when you hid something on your feed, an anonymous notification should be sent to the person who you blocked with the following statement:
"one of your facebook friends has permanently hid your posts on their facebook newsfeed. the following reason was given:"
and for the reason, you'd have a choice of 1) misleading, 2) offensive, 3) illegal, 4) degrading to women, 5) libelous, 6) stupid, 7) homoerotic, 8) swedish, 9) prophesied by Nostradamus, or 10) all of the above.
this is my theory on economics and politics: the stock market's performance in inversely proportional to the level of confidence americans have in their government. for example:
Bill Clinton gets a hummer in the White House = Dow Jones hits 11,000
Relief that we're getting a new President = dot-com bubble burst
The comedy riot that was GW Bush's two terms = Dow Jones hits 14,000
Relief that we're getting a new President = housing bubble burst
Credit downgrade, Obamacare, and sequesters = Dow Jones breaks another record
am I detecting a pattern?
this is not a "Democrat vs. Republican" thing. this is a "government" thing. putting a donkey sticker or an elephant sticker on it does not change how it works. all I'm say is let's stop the bickering and ride this stock market wave for all it is worth. i know i am.
in response to the news of elisabeth hasselbeck leaving the view, scientists have predicted a 548% higher occurrence of the phrases "cunt on the loose! there's a cunt on the loose! hide the children!"
i think the vatican should invest in a space program. i'm surprised they haven't done it yet with all the money they have. think about it. they want to be closer to god. what better way then to strap the next pope into a rocket with a monkey and have them go meet god? i'm sure god will pick them up once they get out of the atmosphere. wouldn't that be awesome if that was in the new pope's job description?
Monday, February 11, 2013
today's rant: purgatory
let me tell you how my day has been. i should be at work right now in montgomery, alabama. funny as it sounds, i actually long to be there right now. think about how that sounds. what possible scenario could lead me to this situation? what level of self-loathing do i have to reach? well, i am three states away and there is no way i am getting there tonight. i am stuck in charlotte-douglas international airport, or as i have nicknamed it, purgatory. i am currently waiting for my wife's aunt to pick me up from the airport because she lives in charlotte. while i am waiting, let me tell you about purgatory.
first of all, i woke up at 4:45am to get to my flight, which was delayed taking off from laguardia airport and delayed again landing in charlotte. therefore, i missed my connecting flight. instead, they put me on the following flight. want to know where that flight originated? laguardia airport. remind me to ask the person who booked my flight and ask them why in god's name they didn't want me to get a good night's sleep and put me on the later flight from laguardia. why would you want me to be tired going to work? cannot really pay attention to FAA regulations while i am half asleep, now can i?
so, i got put on the next flight. in the meantime, there was the issue of nutrition that had taken over. the closest eatery to my gate was the fox sports sky box grill. do not let the name of the dining area fool you. the food has absolutely nothing to do with fox, sports, the sky, a box, or any other combination or permutation of the preceding words. i ordered a bacon cheeseburger with seasoned fries and a pickle spear. the fries were not seasoned, i got no pickle spear, and the bacon was pre-cooked. i did not leave a good tip and i wrote on the receipt why. i encourage you all to do the same for when management reads each receipt at the end of the day. i should have eaten at the papa john's at the food court and saved some money.
i emailed everyone at work who this affected. that's a great feeling. having to explain to your boss and lead people why, even though you PROMISED to be there, that you'll be late. then even later. then not even showing up because the flight was cancelled completely. the reason is astounding. the flight attendant i was supposed to have was stuck in louisville, kentucky. i sat at the gate thinking to myself, "self, you've sat through this plenty of times in the past three months. you've seen tommy boy enough times to remember what david spade says in the airplane scene. you can do this!" despite my attempts to volunteer my services so we could get to montgomery, my pleas fell on deaf ears.
i sincerely hope that the people at work do not think i'm just trying to get out of a day of work and have fun. i do not consider listening to toddler's wail away because mommy will not buy them a can of pringles as "fun". i DO consider watching strung-out convention participants missing out on their harley davidson convention bare-knuckle box each other for control of the only power outlet at the gate as "fun". if only i can sell that on pay-per-view.
so here i am, typing away, finishing up my TCBY parfait. i actually consider that to be quite an accomplishment because i have not seen another TCBY outside of Sunrise Mall massapequa in YEARS! they disappeared from long island and i am severely dissapointed in that. instead, all these fuckin fro-yo shops popped up with self-serve machines and toppings. they just popped up overnight. it's as if long islanders forgot that frozen yogurt existed and then were smacked in the face with five different shops to eat at. we're like alzheimer's patients, as if we've never been to a frozen yogurt shop before.
as i am writing this part, it is now 23 hours after i missed my original connecting flight. luckily enough for me, i am sitting at the appropriate gate staring at the plane right out the window. the only way i am missing this flight is if i have a stroke sometime in the next hour within the 100ft walking distance from my seat at the gate to the plane. i'm even checking the flight status online at regular intervals just to make sure that the plane that i am staring at is actually "on time" and in this plane of existence.
first of all, i woke up at 4:45am to get to my flight, which was delayed taking off from laguardia airport and delayed again landing in charlotte. therefore, i missed my connecting flight. instead, they put me on the following flight. want to know where that flight originated? laguardia airport. remind me to ask the person who booked my flight and ask them why in god's name they didn't want me to get a good night's sleep and put me on the later flight from laguardia. why would you want me to be tired going to work? cannot really pay attention to FAA regulations while i am half asleep, now can i?
so, i got put on the next flight. in the meantime, there was the issue of nutrition that had taken over. the closest eatery to my gate was the fox sports sky box grill. do not let the name of the dining area fool you. the food has absolutely nothing to do with fox, sports, the sky, a box, or any other combination or permutation of the preceding words. i ordered a bacon cheeseburger with seasoned fries and a pickle spear. the fries were not seasoned, i got no pickle spear, and the bacon was pre-cooked. i did not leave a good tip and i wrote on the receipt why. i encourage you all to do the same for when management reads each receipt at the end of the day. i should have eaten at the papa john's at the food court and saved some money.
i emailed everyone at work who this affected. that's a great feeling. having to explain to your boss and lead people why, even though you PROMISED to be there, that you'll be late. then even later. then not even showing up because the flight was cancelled completely. the reason is astounding. the flight attendant i was supposed to have was stuck in louisville, kentucky. i sat at the gate thinking to myself, "self, you've sat through this plenty of times in the past three months. you've seen tommy boy enough times to remember what david spade says in the airplane scene. you can do this!" despite my attempts to volunteer my services so we could get to montgomery, my pleas fell on deaf ears.
i sincerely hope that the people at work do not think i'm just trying to get out of a day of work and have fun. i do not consider listening to toddler's wail away because mommy will not buy them a can of pringles as "fun". i DO consider watching strung-out convention participants missing out on their harley davidson convention bare-knuckle box each other for control of the only power outlet at the gate as "fun". if only i can sell that on pay-per-view.
so here i am, typing away, finishing up my TCBY parfait. i actually consider that to be quite an accomplishment because i have not seen another TCBY outside of Sunrise Mall massapequa in YEARS! they disappeared from long island and i am severely dissapointed in that. instead, all these fuckin fro-yo shops popped up with self-serve machines and toppings. they just popped up overnight. it's as if long islanders forgot that frozen yogurt existed and then were smacked in the face with five different shops to eat at. we're like alzheimer's patients, as if we've never been to a frozen yogurt shop before.
as i am writing this part, it is now 23 hours after i missed my original connecting flight. luckily enough for me, i am sitting at the appropriate gate staring at the plane right out the window. the only way i am missing this flight is if i have a stroke sometime in the next hour within the 100ft walking distance from my seat at the gate to the plane. i'm even checking the flight status online at regular intervals just to make sure that the plane that i am staring at is actually "on time" and in this plane of existence.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
today's rant: ape-shit superbowl
if the superbowl has proven anything not related to sports, it is that people have way too much free time on their hands worrying about shit that has nothing to do with them, especially in the fifteen minutes before the coin was flipped.
before halftime, my wife called me and asked me what i thought about having the sandy hook elementary kids and jennifer hudson, all of whom knew someone shot to death, and the message it was sending. i had to take a moment to catch my breath. i asked her if she actually thought there was a liberal gun-control conspiracy during "america the beautiful." OK, let's get one fucking thing straight, because everyone, EVERYONE, no, you don't understand, E!V!E!R!Y!O!N!E!, democrats & republicans, has been retarded for the past two months. dems, it's not a gun control issue, it's a mental health issue. reps, having the audacity to assume how MLK Jr. would side with you over the issue on his holiday is mind-fucking. to my wife's defense, she was watching the superbowl with her family. just to give you an idea about their political standpoint, i had to block everything they have rehashed after masturbating to fox news from appearing on my facebook newsfeed. i had to block it, and I'M registered republican. aside from that, they have enough issues to keep sigmund freud on retainer for quite a long time. that, plus the friends that her family brought over, leads me to think that she didn't come up with it by herself. she probably got it from someone at the superbowl party.
next, the national anthem. i understood the chatter after x-tina aguilera fucked up the lyrics a few years ago, but the fact that i have to read that alicia keys is getting slack for singing a version that may have been pitchy at times but otherwise OK means that too many people have sticks shoved up their asses. monday morning, i thought the major issue was gonna be the power going out 2 minutes into the 3rd quarter. it is amazing what sets people off.
before halftime, my wife called me and asked me what i thought about having the sandy hook elementary kids and jennifer hudson, all of whom knew someone shot to death, and the message it was sending. i had to take a moment to catch my breath. i asked her if she actually thought there was a liberal gun-control conspiracy during "america the beautiful." OK, let's get one fucking thing straight, because everyone, EVERYONE, no, you don't understand, E!V!E!R!Y!O!N!E!, democrats & republicans, has been retarded for the past two months. dems, it's not a gun control issue, it's a mental health issue. reps, having the audacity to assume how MLK Jr. would side with you over the issue on his holiday is mind-fucking. to my wife's defense, she was watching the superbowl with her family. just to give you an idea about their political standpoint, i had to block everything they have rehashed after masturbating to fox news from appearing on my facebook newsfeed. i had to block it, and I'M registered republican. aside from that, they have enough issues to keep sigmund freud on retainer for quite a long time. that, plus the friends that her family brought over, leads me to think that she didn't come up with it by herself. she probably got it from someone at the superbowl party.
next, the national anthem. i understood the chatter after x-tina aguilera fucked up the lyrics a few years ago, but the fact that i have to read that alicia keys is getting slack for singing a version that may have been pitchy at times but otherwise OK means that too many people have sticks shoved up their asses. monday morning, i thought the major issue was gonna be the power going out 2 minutes into the 3rd quarter. it is amazing what sets people off.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
today's rant: what i've learned this year
to be honest, i have absolutely no remembrance if i did this for 2011 since i haven't been venting my transgressions as often as i'd like, but here we go (fuck the bud light commercial)
- i've learned what being a dad is like. plus, it gives you the perfect excuse to watch all of your favorite saturday morning cartoons and play with toys.
- i've learned that no matter how much an employer claims likes you, there is always someone in the company with the power to fuck you over, regardless of if they even know you exist. you're just a number to this person, a number that has to go down to zero, no matter who gets cut.
- i've learned what an expense report is.
- i've learned what the difference is property taxes are between long island and south carolina. BTW, guess where i'm moving?
- i've learned that southern states consider macaroni and cheese a vegetable.
- i've learned that every four years, nothing will change, no matter who is elected.
- i've learned that the mayans were full of shit.
- i've learned when someone posts something on facebook, no matter how inaccurate the source, it is 100% true. case and point:
"In response to people believing everything they read, I hereby declare that any and all persons reading any amount of text contained in this communique are required to perform the following:
1) host any and all persons accompanied by myself and/or my spouse for a nice home-cooked meal at a minimum of once per calendar month;
2) purchase at the reader's expense no fewer than one beverage of alcoholic content greater than or equal to five (5) percent alcohol by volume for the consumption of myself within a seven (7) day range of my birthday;
3) add me as beneficiary to the reader's retirement accounts, including, but not limited to, 401(k), Traditional IRA, Roth IRA, etc.;
4) let me drive the reader's car whenever I request.
The aforementioned actions are authorized and enforced by the Contingency Orders for the Grand Army of the Republic, Order Initiation, Order 66
Hey, I posted it. Therefore, it must be legal and true. To hell with Facebook Terms and Policies. "
- my facebook status, 11/27/12
- the preceding is a result of my learning that approximately 5% of my facebook friends are stupid. if they happen to find this rant, i'll just let them guess who it is.
- i always knew that the long island power authority was full of shit, but i learned this year that it is possible to be greater than 100% full of shit. congrats, LIPA.
- i've learned what when an 80-something-year-old lady falls down an escalator, that escalator plus EVERY FUCKING ESCALATOR USED BY THE LONG ISLAND RAILROAD must be shut down for 6 months to be taken apart and reassembled with a 5 month gap in between. any graffiti that shows up on the blockades is well-deserved.
on a related note, my wife has learned this year that one does not clean a TV by spraying cleaning fluid in the back of the TV where the vents are. you know, the vents that circulate air to all the exposed electronics and circuits.
- i've learned what being a dad is like. plus, it gives you the perfect excuse to watch all of your favorite saturday morning cartoons and play with toys.
- i've learned that no matter how much an employer claims likes you, there is always someone in the company with the power to fuck you over, regardless of if they even know you exist. you're just a number to this person, a number that has to go down to zero, no matter who gets cut.
- i've learned what an expense report is.
- i've learned what the difference is property taxes are between long island and south carolina. BTW, guess where i'm moving?
- i've learned that southern states consider macaroni and cheese a vegetable.
- i've learned that every four years, nothing will change, no matter who is elected.
- i've learned that the mayans were full of shit.
- i've learned when someone posts something on facebook, no matter how inaccurate the source, it is 100% true. case and point:
"In response to people believing everything they read, I hereby declare that any and all persons reading any amount of text contained in this communique are required to perform the following:
1) host any and all persons accompanied by myself and/or my spouse for a nice home-cooked meal at a minimum of once per calendar month;
2) purchase at the reader's expense no fewer than one beverage of alcoholic content greater than or equal to five (5) percent alcohol by volume for the consumption of myself within a seven (7) day range of my birthday;
3) add me as beneficiary to the reader's retirement accounts, including, but not limited to, 401(k), Traditional IRA, Roth IRA, etc.;
4) let me drive the reader's car whenever I request.
The aforementioned actions are authorized and enforced by the Contingency Orders for the Grand Army of the Republic, Order Initiation, Order 66
Hey, I posted it. Therefore, it must be legal and true. To hell with Facebook Terms and Policies. "
- my facebook status, 11/27/12
- the preceding is a result of my learning that approximately 5% of my facebook friends are stupid. if they happen to find this rant, i'll just let them guess who it is.
- i always knew that the long island power authority was full of shit, but i learned this year that it is possible to be greater than 100% full of shit. congrats, LIPA.
- i've learned what when an 80-something-year-old lady falls down an escalator, that escalator plus EVERY FUCKING ESCALATOR USED BY THE LONG ISLAND RAILROAD must be shut down for 6 months to be taken apart and reassembled with a 5 month gap in between. any graffiti that shows up on the blockades is well-deserved.
on a related note, my wife has learned this year that one does not clean a TV by spraying cleaning fluid in the back of the TV where the vents are. you know, the vents that circulate air to all the exposed electronics and circuits.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
today's rant: superpower
you know what superpower i wish i had? i wish i had the ability to teleport matter from one place to another. just instantly *snap*, something is somewhere else. i started thinking about the different possibilities of such a power that no one else would think of. for example, if i had that power, i would never need to wipe my ass ever again. want to know why? i'd never need to take another defecation. all i would need to do is teleport my solid waste into the toilet or steaming cup of coffee of my choice.
i'd definitely use that power to fuck with people. for example, if i was in a corporate meeting with everyone else in the company being led by an accountant or manager, and i knew full well that they had no idea what the fuck they were talking about, i'd teleport my piss and shit together in one huge mess straight into the mouth of whoever was talking mid-sentence. "you guys really need to step it your timeline. our second quarter projections are trailing by BLEEEUUUUULLLLL!!!!" i'd cap off this extravaganza by acting incredulous, trying my best to make it look like there was no possible way i had the power to teleport piss and shit into someone's mouth, and then righteously proclaim "i always knew you were talking shit!"
2 1/2 months ago, i submitted a request at work to apply for a position at a different facility down south. since corporate took my position away, i wanted it back, even if that meant moving. well, last week, i accepted a job transfer that i applied for. yes, applied for. i felt like i had to reapply for my old job again. oh, what fun. i'm going to move to south carolina where my company build hondajet fuselages. these are private jets. very small private jets. we're talking buddy holly fuck planes, except with jet engines. until i start in south carolina, i am training in alabama with a banjo on my knee.
here are a couple of things i've learned while commuting to montgomery from NY as well as to work from my hotel:
- these people like college football... waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much.
- if you're down here on a saturday night, get to a restaraunt EARLY! i went to cracker barrel last night at around 6pm. i fully caught the u. alabama and auburn crowds coming home from games. i settled for domino's. i'll try again tonight.
- hotels may give you HBO, but it's all grainy.
- there is a shit load of hotels, and i have no idea why.
- waffle house uses too much butter.
- i'm surprised by the TSA's lack in interest in grabbing my junk.
- the fridge in my hotel room is very old and very worn out. i hear it running all night.
- it's a battle royal to use the power outlets at airport gates. too bad they check for for weapons before you get there. it would be more fun fighting for outlets that way.
i just saw a sodastream commercial that said "with sodastream, you can save 2000 bottles a year." that's 5 1/2 bottles a day. A DAY! who drinks 5 1/2 bottles of soda a day? fucktards.
i'd definitely use that power to fuck with people. for example, if i was in a corporate meeting with everyone else in the company being led by an accountant or manager, and i knew full well that they had no idea what the fuck they were talking about, i'd teleport my piss and shit together in one huge mess straight into the mouth of whoever was talking mid-sentence. "you guys really need to step it your timeline. our second quarter projections are trailing by BLEEEUUUUULLLLL!!!!" i'd cap off this extravaganza by acting incredulous, trying my best to make it look like there was no possible way i had the power to teleport piss and shit into someone's mouth, and then righteously proclaim "i always knew you were talking shit!"
2 1/2 months ago, i submitted a request at work to apply for a position at a different facility down south. since corporate took my position away, i wanted it back, even if that meant moving. well, last week, i accepted a job transfer that i applied for. yes, applied for. i felt like i had to reapply for my old job again. oh, what fun. i'm going to move to south carolina where my company build hondajet fuselages. these are private jets. very small private jets. we're talking buddy holly fuck planes, except with jet engines. until i start in south carolina, i am training in alabama with a banjo on my knee.
here are a couple of things i've learned while commuting to montgomery from NY as well as to work from my hotel:
- these people like college football... waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much.
- if you're down here on a saturday night, get to a restaraunt EARLY! i went to cracker barrel last night at around 6pm. i fully caught the u. alabama and auburn crowds coming home from games. i settled for domino's. i'll try again tonight.
- hotels may give you HBO, but it's all grainy.
- there is a shit load of hotels, and i have no idea why.
- waffle house uses too much butter.
- i'm surprised by the TSA's lack in interest in grabbing my junk.
- the fridge in my hotel room is very old and very worn out. i hear it running all night.
- it's a battle royal to use the power outlets at airport gates. too bad they check for for weapons before you get there. it would be more fun fighting for outlets that way.
i just saw a sodastream commercial that said "with sodastream, you can save 2000 bottles a year." that's 5 1/2 bottles a day. A DAY! who drinks 5 1/2 bottles of soda a day? fucktards.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
today's rant: regularly scheduled programming my ass
what's up with comedy central's show schedule?
for weeks, the only show that seems to start on the half-hour spot is
the daily show. but wtf is up with tosh.0 12:01-12:37am? why do they
stretch it out so much? in the fifteen years of "comedy central
presents", did they run out of shows to fill in the time and therefore
were forced to stretch out other shows?
speaking of "comedy central presents", how come they have a 78-minute slot of "comedy central presents" in which they play like 10 different specials that are only the first and final segments of the comedians' acts? i can't focus. this is why kids are getting ADD.
i am losing my patience at work. i've started arguing with my lead man over how he trains me. plainly and simply, i've stopped caring. i didn't go to college to run a CNC and i'm bored out of my fucking skull. if i may borrow a line from botchamania, "fuck this company."
in response to the iHeartRadio festival (jesus fucking christ, another name with "i" at the beginning of it that has nothing to do with apple), i hereby propose the iHateRadio festival. iRonically, radio is so shitty that it drives me to my iPod, the patent holder of all things with "i" at the beginning of the name. a local radio station has switched programming yet again. 2 years ago, it was an adult contemporary station. recently, it was an gen-x station playing stuff from '85 - '05. now it's trying to be what krock was 15 years ago, except attempting to incorporate some rock from the past few years. i don't know if you've noticed, but there isn't any. don't give me that nickelback and kings of leon bullshit. they suck like a black hole giving blowjobs. they're just doing what the top 40 stations are doing. playing the same bands every hour on the hour. every time i listen, it's always metallica, red hot chili peppers, and smashing pumpkins. these stations don't even fucking try anymore. iHateRadio.
speaking of "comedy central presents", how come they have a 78-minute slot of "comedy central presents" in which they play like 10 different specials that are only the first and final segments of the comedians' acts? i can't focus. this is why kids are getting ADD.
i am losing my patience at work. i've started arguing with my lead man over how he trains me. plainly and simply, i've stopped caring. i didn't go to college to run a CNC and i'm bored out of my fucking skull. if i may borrow a line from botchamania, "fuck this company."
in response to the iHeartRadio festival (jesus fucking christ, another name with "i" at the beginning of it that has nothing to do with apple), i hereby propose the iHateRadio festival. iRonically, radio is so shitty that it drives me to my iPod, the patent holder of all things with "i" at the beginning of the name. a local radio station has switched programming yet again. 2 years ago, it was an adult contemporary station. recently, it was an gen-x station playing stuff from '85 - '05. now it's trying to be what krock was 15 years ago, except attempting to incorporate some rock from the past few years. i don't know if you've noticed, but there isn't any. don't give me that nickelback and kings of leon bullshit. they suck like a black hole giving blowjobs. they're just doing what the top 40 stations are doing. playing the same bands every hour on the hour. every time i listen, it's always metallica, red hot chili peppers, and smashing pumpkins. these stations don't even fucking try anymore. iHateRadio.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
today's rant: night shift
of the past twelve months, i spent four of them unemployed. that was not fun. call me crazy, but i like money and not having to talk with debt collectors (if there was a "scum of the earth" directory, debt collectors would fit right in between the westboro baptist church and disney tweeny boppers). now, i'm finding myself having to re-network all over again. the reason is kinda shitty, but here goes.
on 8/30 at my current job, 7 or so quality inspectors, including myself, were told that our positions were being eliminated. i have no definitive answer why. the positions were eliminated based on seniority, or in our case, lack thereof. we were given two options: 1) take a night shift machine operator position for less money, even with the night differential, or 2) take a 3-day severance deal. i cannot afford to miss a paycheck and i hate COBRA with a passion. so i took the job they offered. a couple people took the severance and ran. i don't like the job now. it's not the night shift itself, it's the work involved. it's not the reason i went to college. i'd like to go into gory detail about how much i don't like it, but i still work there and i don't need HR or the GM having to take me into their office for another "chat".
let me put it this way: HR and everyone in my old department, including my old supervisor, know that we got screwed over. they know that we don't want the new position. they know we're looking for new jobs. they know this because they are in touch with reality. it wasn't HR's decision or the GMs decision to make the cuts in the first place. that was corporate's decision. HR and the GM just had to choose who, and i understand that. with 5 months under my belt, i'm not high on the totem pole.
so for the second time this year, i'm getting back in touch with all my methods of finding a new job. websites, headhunters, job fairs, in-laws, etc. this is the first time i've ever gotten a public outpouring of support from a vast amount of coworkers. to which i say, "well, let me keep my old position." ah, if only economics worked that way.
so yeah, i want a new job. physics degree w/ 5 years of manufacturing and quality control experience. any offers?
on 8/30 at my current job, 7 or so quality inspectors, including myself, were told that our positions were being eliminated. i have no definitive answer why. the positions were eliminated based on seniority, or in our case, lack thereof. we were given two options: 1) take a night shift machine operator position for less money, even with the night differential, or 2) take a 3-day severance deal. i cannot afford to miss a paycheck and i hate COBRA with a passion. so i took the job they offered. a couple people took the severance and ran. i don't like the job now. it's not the night shift itself, it's the work involved. it's not the reason i went to college. i'd like to go into gory detail about how much i don't like it, but i still work there and i don't need HR or the GM having to take me into their office for another "chat".
let me put it this way: HR and everyone in my old department, including my old supervisor, know that we got screwed over. they know that we don't want the new position. they know we're looking for new jobs. they know this because they are in touch with reality. it wasn't HR's decision or the GMs decision to make the cuts in the first place. that was corporate's decision. HR and the GM just had to choose who, and i understand that. with 5 months under my belt, i'm not high on the totem pole.
so for the second time this year, i'm getting back in touch with all my methods of finding a new job. websites, headhunters, job fairs, in-laws, etc. this is the first time i've ever gotten a public outpouring of support from a vast amount of coworkers. to which i say, "well, let me keep my old position." ah, if only economics worked that way.
so yeah, i want a new job. physics degree w/ 5 years of manufacturing and quality control experience. any offers?
Monday, August 20, 2012
today's rant: todd akin
last week, i read a quote that i thought was truly stupid, involving mitt romney and his idea that paying slightly less than 14% on federal tax was acceptable to him. that was even dumber than his claiming that his father marched with martin luther king jr. today, i read a quote that put romney's words to shame. there is a new sheriff of stupidtown. i present missouri congressman todd akin.
when asked about abortion rights for victims of sexual assault who were impregnated, he said the following:
"It seems to me, first of all, from what I understand from doctors, that's really rare. If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to shut that whole thing down."
let's set aside everyone's ideology on the subject of abortion for a minute, because that is not what this rant is about. when i read that quote and listen to it in my head, my brain hurts. specifically, the left side of my brain hurts. that is where logic is processed. right around the word "shut", i feel like i need a couple advil because a couple of neurons are unable to process what i'm reading into something that makes sense.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING? you're running for an elected office, you retarded son of a bitch! it's one thing to ask for a president's birth certificate. it's something else entirely to presume you know how the female reproductive system works. what doctors are you taking advice from? dr. doom? dr. dolittle?
why didn't you run this past your wife? you may not know this, but i think she's a woman. there is a 94% chance she knows how the female reproductive system functions. if you asked her under which circumstances the female body can "shut that whole thing down", she'd rightfully and justifiably slap your testicles with a frat house paddle for your own good before explaining everything wrong with your question.
people of missouri, this person is close to being able to represent you. there is something wrong with this senario. may i suggest public shaming at the base of the arch? rotten tomatoes and paintball?
to everyone who has read the quote and gave it a second look because something did not quite add up when you were trying to understand it, CONGRATULATIONS! YOU ARE SMARTER THAN AN ELECTED OFFICIAL WITH AN ENGINEERING DEGREE!!!
when asked about abortion rights for victims of sexual assault who were impregnated, he said the following:
"It seems to me, first of all, from what I understand from doctors, that's really rare. If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to shut that whole thing down."
let's set aside everyone's ideology on the subject of abortion for a minute, because that is not what this rant is about. when i read that quote and listen to it in my head, my brain hurts. specifically, the left side of my brain hurts. that is where logic is processed. right around the word "shut", i feel like i need a couple advil because a couple of neurons are unable to process what i'm reading into something that makes sense.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING? you're running for an elected office, you retarded son of a bitch! it's one thing to ask for a president's birth certificate. it's something else entirely to presume you know how the female reproductive system works. what doctors are you taking advice from? dr. doom? dr. dolittle?
why didn't you run this past your wife? you may not know this, but i think she's a woman. there is a 94% chance she knows how the female reproductive system functions. if you asked her under which circumstances the female body can "shut that whole thing down", she'd rightfully and justifiably slap your testicles with a frat house paddle for your own good before explaining everything wrong with your question.
people of missouri, this person is close to being able to represent you. there is something wrong with this senario. may i suggest public shaming at the base of the arch? rotten tomatoes and paintball?
to everyone who has read the quote and gave it a second look because something did not quite add up when you were trying to understand it, CONGRATULATIONS! YOU ARE SMARTER THAN AN ELECTED OFFICIAL WITH AN ENGINEERING DEGREE!!!
Sunday, July 29, 2012
watching the women's road cycling event at the olympics is like watching turtles fuck.
why is it that out of all the women biking in a giant clusterfuck group, only one had the foresight to try to bike faster than the rest of the group? only after that did other bikers realize "oh yeah, we're supposed to try to beat other riders. i should try to go faster."
why is it that out of all the women biking in a giant clusterfuck group, only one had the foresight to try to bike faster than the rest of the group? only after that did other bikers realize "oh yeah, we're supposed to try to beat other riders. i should try to go faster."
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
today's rant: deprogramming
the other night, we left our 5-month-old with a friend for babysitting. while we were out, we got a text that our friend was trying to teach our little girl some choreography. cute enough. we also got a text that our girl was listening to "call me maybe". when we got home, i spent the rest of the night trying to deprogram her. i didn't care that i had work in the morning. at one point, i had metallica's "master of puppets" on repeat for about an hour and forty minutes. i had to hammer that into her skull before she had the opportunity to remember that other song. i think i got the point through to her. by the time the sun came up, she was air-guitaring the bridge. if i play this right, her first word will be "master". who wouldn't love that?
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
today's rant: handicapped parking
I think there should be two types of handicapped parking in parking lots across america. firstly, there should be the spots closest to the main doors of buildings for the elderly, people with walkers, people with crutches, and so forth. secondly, there should be spots as far away from any doors as possible for the morbidly obese fat fuckers who can only get around using one of those ride along scooters you see commercials for during "the price is right". come to think of it, they should be forced to give up the scooters and deal with a good ol' fashioned wheelchair. make 'em work off some of that gelatin from their arms. that way, they can exercise and aspire to one day not be forced to park there anymore. i'm not knocking people who don't fit into roller coasters. at least they can walk up to the ride. i'm talking about people who can't walk by themselves because of morbid obesity. this is coming from a guy who is a step or two away from shopping in the "big and tall" section.
no. today is not the day that doc brown and marty mcfly traveled to in "back to the future: part 2". if you think that, then you have just shamed yourself by forgetting part of one of the best movie series' ever. you should stick your head into a mr. fusion.
no. today is not the day that doc brown and marty mcfly traveled to in "back to the future: part 2". if you think that, then you have just shamed yourself by forgetting part of one of the best movie series' ever. you should stick your head into a mr. fusion.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
today's rant: the penal system
i read an article earlier this week of how a boston person is not having his appeal heard in a case where he has to pay $675,000 to the RIAA for sharing 30 music files. this is where i start to lose faith in the american penal system.
on 1 hand, we've got a person who committed what can extremely loosely be defined as a "crime", doing harm to absolutely nobody, and having to pay an exorbitant $675,000 penalty. on the other hand, we have a rutgers student who filmed his roommate in a private moment, shared the video with other people, made the roommate kill himself, and he gets 30 days in jail + 3 yrs probation + $10,000 penalty. i see this as a huge disparity.
i was watching a rerun of bones yesterday and there was a scene where a bunch of people were waiting in line outside of a movie theater to see "avatar". the forensic intern, played by joel david moore, was also in the movie "avatar". i found that ironic. when i mentioned this to my wife, she said, "oh yeah, he looks just like him!". confused, i responded, "that IS him. it's the same actor." she replied "you mean it wasn't computer graphics?" apparently, she believed that the movie "avatar" was 100% CGI, including the actors. i had to explain, "no. the movie is probably 90% computer graphics, but sigourney weaver is actually sigourney weaver." then, an awful thought crossed my mind. i asked "do you think the na'vi were real people?!" thankfully, she said "no."
i just finished a poll on collegehumor of the worst "triquels" ever, as in the worst 3rd movie of a saga. some of the movies shown did not belong on the list. LOTR return of the king was on the list. that's right, the one that won all the oscars. anyhow, here's my top 5 according to the poll:
5) "Fast & Furious: tokyo drift". out of sync with the rest of the movies chronologically and painful to watch bow wow.
4) "Mighty Ducks 3". jeez, this one was way forgettable. where's emilio when you need him? he had all of about 2 scenes. fuck that.
3) "rush hour 3". after this, chris tucker fell off the face of the earth. it's very hard to name more than 5 chris tucker movies. off the top of my head, rush hour 1, 2, and 3, fifth element, and jackie brown. i know there's one or two more out there, but that's it.
2) "batman forever". not as bad as "batman and robin", but still pretty shitty.
1) drumroll... "halloween 3: season of the witch". one of the worst movies i've ever seen. i know horror movies are kinda preordained not to be too profound, but this one didn't even have michael myers chasing anyone with a kitcken knife. no michael myers at all. huge disappointment.
on 1 hand, we've got a person who committed what can extremely loosely be defined as a "crime", doing harm to absolutely nobody, and having to pay an exorbitant $675,000 penalty. on the other hand, we have a rutgers student who filmed his roommate in a private moment, shared the video with other people, made the roommate kill himself, and he gets 30 days in jail + 3 yrs probation + $10,000 penalty. i see this as a huge disparity.
i was watching a rerun of bones yesterday and there was a scene where a bunch of people were waiting in line outside of a movie theater to see "avatar". the forensic intern, played by joel david moore, was also in the movie "avatar". i found that ironic. when i mentioned this to my wife, she said, "oh yeah, he looks just like him!". confused, i responded, "that IS him. it's the same actor." she replied "you mean it wasn't computer graphics?" apparently, she believed that the movie "avatar" was 100% CGI, including the actors. i had to explain, "no. the movie is probably 90% computer graphics, but sigourney weaver is actually sigourney weaver." then, an awful thought crossed my mind. i asked "do you think the na'vi were real people?!" thankfully, she said "no."
i just finished a poll on collegehumor of the worst "triquels" ever, as in the worst 3rd movie of a saga. some of the movies shown did not belong on the list. LOTR return of the king was on the list. that's right, the one that won all the oscars. anyhow, here's my top 5 according to the poll:
5) "Fast & Furious: tokyo drift". out of sync with the rest of the movies chronologically and painful to watch bow wow.
4) "Mighty Ducks 3". jeez, this one was way forgettable. where's emilio when you need him? he had all of about 2 scenes. fuck that.
3) "rush hour 3". after this, chris tucker fell off the face of the earth. it's very hard to name more than 5 chris tucker movies. off the top of my head, rush hour 1, 2, and 3, fifth element, and jackie brown. i know there's one or two more out there, but that's it.
2) "batman forever". not as bad as "batman and robin", but still pretty shitty.
1) drumroll... "halloween 3: season of the witch". one of the worst movies i've ever seen. i know horror movies are kinda preordained not to be too profound, but this one didn't even have michael myers chasing anyone with a kitcken knife. no michael myers at all. huge disappointment.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
today'a rant: laptop
the following joke is only for the hardcore star wars geeks: what did the zabrak say to the sad muun? "why the long face?"
three weeks ago, i filed a warranty claim for the laptop i am currently typing on. my problem is that the entire right side of the touch pad craps out all the time. last week, after i sent it away from repair, i got a notice that the hard drive needed to be wiped out and the operating system needed to be laid down again. i got it back yesterday. same problem. thanks, IT geniuses. i'm going to say the same thing now that i said to the warranty claims person i talked with on the phone: it's a hardware problem, not a software problem. i'm not that fucking dumb.
the health insurance system is broken. has been for years. it's not government's fault. it's just that the system is one giant clusterfuck that nothing ever gets done right. there's health providers, insurance companies, insurance brokers, COBRA, insurance billers, prescription management companies, and the list goes on and on. if any one person working for any one of these companies fucks up (and believe me, there are a lot of fuck-ups working for these companies), then the information that gets passed on to everyone else is also fucked up.
i had COBRA last month. if your job uses the company CobraHelp, your fucked. find a new job now! first, CobraHelp sent me a bill for the wrong amount. then, they sent me a bill for the wrong amount with my wife's name wrong. then when april 1st came around, they didn't continue my coverage like they were supposed to... for nine days! but they happily cashed my check back in march. now that i have new insurance, same shit with new people. i was supposed to be covered since may 1st. as soon as we try to get a prescription, they say we have to pay a huge deductible. all this despite the fact that my plan does not have a deductible for scrips. they thought i had a different plan. how? who fucked this up for us? i want to find you, cut off your health insurance, and stab you in the testicle.
three weeks ago, i filed a warranty claim for the laptop i am currently typing on. my problem is that the entire right side of the touch pad craps out all the time. last week, after i sent it away from repair, i got a notice that the hard drive needed to be wiped out and the operating system needed to be laid down again. i got it back yesterday. same problem. thanks, IT geniuses. i'm going to say the same thing now that i said to the warranty claims person i talked with on the phone: it's a hardware problem, not a software problem. i'm not that fucking dumb.
the health insurance system is broken. has been for years. it's not government's fault. it's just that the system is one giant clusterfuck that nothing ever gets done right. there's health providers, insurance companies, insurance brokers, COBRA, insurance billers, prescription management companies, and the list goes on and on. if any one person working for any one of these companies fucks up (and believe me, there are a lot of fuck-ups working for these companies), then the information that gets passed on to everyone else is also fucked up.
i had COBRA last month. if your job uses the company CobraHelp, your fucked. find a new job now! first, CobraHelp sent me a bill for the wrong amount. then, they sent me a bill for the wrong amount with my wife's name wrong. then when april 1st came around, they didn't continue my coverage like they were supposed to... for nine days! but they happily cashed my check back in march. now that i have new insurance, same shit with new people. i was supposed to be covered since may 1st. as soon as we try to get a prescription, they say we have to pay a huge deductible. all this despite the fact that my plan does not have a deductible for scrips. they thought i had a different plan. how? who fucked this up for us? i want to find you, cut off your health insurance, and stab you in the testicle.
Friday, March 23, 2012
today's rant: telemarketer revenge, NKOTB leggings
my daughter's glow-worm plays pachelbel's canon, and it got me thinking. you know what you call that shotgun-like expulsion of poop out of your ass after eating too much mexican food? taco bell's cannon.
i was driving home for the last mile down my street, and i started noticing how many houses have the solar-powered lamps that they put in the ground around their house. i couldn't help but think that the more solar-powered lights that they had around the house, the more i noticed that those lights don't illuminate jack shit. they light up just enough to notice them, but if you're walking up to the front steps, you're shit out of luck. chances are that you're going to step on the family pet because the lamps won't even light up the grass underneath. the only real practical use of those solar panels is to hard-wire them to your cellphone charger. if you must buy a solar-powered lamp, do not buy them from the christmas tree shoppe for $1. they won't work. as a matter of fact, do yourself a favor and don't buy anything from x-mas tree shoppe for $1.
when my wife was in the second grade, if she had an bathroom "accident", it was always with one particular set of leggings. it was her new kids on the block leggings. ironically enough, "oh--oh--OH-Oh-oh" is the exact sound you would make if there was crap and pee running down your legs as you would try to pull your pants down fast enough.
i recommend everyone reading this should bookmark rick astley's "never gonna give you up" on youtube. why? the next time a telemarketer calls you at 8am on a sunday morning because they have no souls, click on the bookmark, crank the volume as high as it can go, and hold the phone to the speakers. it's not illegal to do that. i wish this was my idea, but i got the idea where i get most of my other good ideas: the internet.
the results of the whitney huston autopsy are in. and the winner of the "what was the cause of death" bet is a three-way-tie between anyone who said "drowning", "heart failure", and "drugs". i think it's fair to say that 95% of people said drugs, so congratulations to everyone.
i was driving home for the last mile down my street, and i started noticing how many houses have the solar-powered lamps that they put in the ground around their house. i couldn't help but think that the more solar-powered lights that they had around the house, the more i noticed that those lights don't illuminate jack shit. they light up just enough to notice them, but if you're walking up to the front steps, you're shit out of luck. chances are that you're going to step on the family pet because the lamps won't even light up the grass underneath. the only real practical use of those solar panels is to hard-wire them to your cellphone charger. if you must buy a solar-powered lamp, do not buy them from the christmas tree shoppe for $1. they won't work. as a matter of fact, do yourself a favor and don't buy anything from x-mas tree shoppe for $1.
when my wife was in the second grade, if she had an bathroom "accident", it was always with one particular set of leggings. it was her new kids on the block leggings. ironically enough, "oh--oh--OH-Oh-oh" is the exact sound you would make if there was crap and pee running down your legs as you would try to pull your pants down fast enough.
i recommend everyone reading this should bookmark rick astley's "never gonna give you up" on youtube. why? the next time a telemarketer calls you at 8am on a sunday morning because they have no souls, click on the bookmark, crank the volume as high as it can go, and hold the phone to the speakers. it's not illegal to do that. i wish this was my idea, but i got the idea where i get most of my other good ideas: the internet.
the results of the whitney huston autopsy are in. and the winner of the "what was the cause of death" bet is a three-way-tie between anyone who said "drowning", "heart failure", and "drugs". i think it's fair to say that 95% of people said drugs, so congratulations to everyone.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
today's rant: st. patrick's day dance
at my local social hall, they have fundraising events to help pay the bills. last month, i dealt blackjack for casino night. just tonight, my wife worked as a waitress for their st. patrick's day dance. let me elaborate: the hall has dances for every holiday, no matter how mundane.
for a little extra cash, my wife was tasked to clean up the bathrooms during the party breakdown. as i was doing the laundry, she called me on her way home and asked me what the last thing i thought would be found in the men's room bathroom stall. i said "a $100 bill?" she said "no. jizz. i had to clean up jizz." there is a legitimate chance that someone i pass masturbated all over the men's room toilet seat. on the off chance that any of them are reading this, i think it's only fair to warn you that we have taken a sample. look for me collecting empty cups and glasses to look for DNA samples to compare.
here's an email i received yesterday:
Your resume caught my eye! GEICO is seeking individuals with a competitive spirit who enjoy building and preserving relationships with customers. Your goal is to handle detailed insurance issues while providing quality customer service in order retain and strengthen our customer connection. Based on your background, interest and potential GEICO’s Customer Service opportunity can be your next and last career.
Why GEICO? Because 5, 10 or 20 years from now, you’ll be able to look back and see the impact you made on our company, our customers and our community. And you’ll see the difference we made in you!
for a little extra cash, my wife was tasked to clean up the bathrooms during the party breakdown. as i was doing the laundry, she called me on her way home and asked me what the last thing i thought would be found in the men's room bathroom stall. i said "a $100 bill?" she said "no. jizz. i had to clean up jizz." there is a legitimate chance that someone i pass masturbated all over the men's room toilet seat. on the off chance that any of them are reading this, i think it's only fair to warn you that we have taken a sample. look for me collecting empty cups and glasses to look for DNA samples to compare.
here's an email i received yesterday:
Your resume caught my eye! GEICO is seeking individuals with a competitive spirit who enjoy building and preserving relationships with customers. Your goal is to handle detailed insurance issues while providing quality customer service in order retain and strengthen our customer connection. Based on your background, interest and potential GEICO’s Customer Service opportunity can be your next and last career.
Why GEICO? Because 5, 10 or 20 years from now, you’ll be able to look back and see the impact you made on our company, our customers and our community. And you’ll see the difference we made in you!
GEICO offers a variety of career paths, performance-based promotions and a competitive Total Rewards Program featuring:
- Industry recognized, full paid training
- Medical, Dental & Vision Coverage
- 401K, Profit-Sharing and Flexible Spending accounts
- Paid Vacations, Holiday and Sick Leave
- Amenities and Perks through corporate and local partnerships
I look forward to receiving your application!
my reply:
Why the fuck would I want to work for Geico? Did you even read my resume? What are you smoking to want to think that my background has anything to do with insurance? How stupid are you? Did YOU even go to college? Take your 15 minutes and go fist yourself.
women should wear backpacks. wife, stop telling me that people can go through a backpack and steal things. men wear backpacks and shit don't get stolen. and no matter what you say, men do not get pick pocketed out of their backpacks. this is because they get pick pocketed out of their pockets. you wouldn't know about this because you don't have pockets in any clothing below your waist.
at least women have wallets, but shit is getting out of hand. women have wallets that are bigger but less expensive then some coach bags. my mind hurts just thinking about it. guys, our wallets carry everything ever needed, no matter what the situation. cash, credit cards, pictures, membership cards, library cards, cards of every type. there's even a card with tools on it, including a flathead screwdriver head, a ruler, a can opener, and a saw. a SAW!!! even after all those different cards, we still have room for a condom. that is the end all to be all. we need nothing else. ladies, please, i'm begging you, simplify your lives. you don't need a box of tampons, two of every pill in the medicine cabinet, a coin purse, 7 pieces of makeup for your eyes alone in a bag that can double as a weapon if you want to hammer-throw it at a rampaging jaguar. just get a fucking backpack.
for the love of god, why are there two live-action snow white movies being released this year? there's one with julia roberts and one with charlize theron, each of which are playing the evil queen. who would you rather see as the evil queen, the hooker with the heart of gold or a safe-cracking safe-cracker's daughter? i shall not watch either.
if yahoo is going to have a news article about the temptations suing some company over digital download royalties, then they shouldn't be showing a picture of the temptations in which four of the members are dead. digital downloads did not exist when most of these guys died.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
today's rant: ebay
i've just finished reading an article on yahoo about someone shopping at a thrift store, checking the items out on ebay over his smart phone, then buying something on which he can make a profit. disclaimer: i am not advocating this as i have never tried it. the reason i'm writing about this is that comments at the bottom of the page were saturated with failed and disgruntled ebay power sellers complaining about such things as "this article is a scam", "ebay and yahoo are in bed together", "ebay is a crock", and "you can't make a profit on ebay."
these people are obviously out of touch with reality. in fact, i want to know what drugs they are taking and where i can get some in order to feel this sense of self-righteousness. (now, some of you might be thinking, "why isn't this asshole posting his complaints on the article?" the answer is that my comment would get drowned out and never read. here, it'll stay forever.) these ebay sellers clearly don't know who shops on ebay. we, as ebay buyers, want to buy shit at the lowest price possible. we don't want you to make a profit. myself, as an occasional ebay seller, sell shit i don't want anymore, such as old computer parts. i don't sell to make a profit. as long as i get rid of something and make a buck on it, i don't give a shit. do you want to know why? having a real full-time job helps a lot. even more so, i'm currently unemployed, but i'm not stupid enough to think i can support a family by selling on ebay. how fucking delirious do you have to be to try to make a full time living by selling shit by yourself on the internet, knowing you have to ship the shit and pay selling fees, and then have the nerve to blame ebay for your shortsightedness?
these people are obviously out of touch with reality. in fact, i want to know what drugs they are taking and where i can get some in order to feel this sense of self-righteousness. (now, some of you might be thinking, "why isn't this asshole posting his complaints on the article?" the answer is that my comment would get drowned out and never read. here, it'll stay forever.) these ebay sellers clearly don't know who shops on ebay. we, as ebay buyers, want to buy shit at the lowest price possible. we don't want you to make a profit. myself, as an occasional ebay seller, sell shit i don't want anymore, such as old computer parts. i don't sell to make a profit. as long as i get rid of something and make a buck on it, i don't give a shit. do you want to know why? having a real full-time job helps a lot. even more so, i'm currently unemployed, but i'm not stupid enough to think i can support a family by selling on ebay. how fucking delirious do you have to be to try to make a full time living by selling shit by yourself on the internet, knowing you have to ship the shit and pay selling fees, and then have the nerve to blame ebay for your shortsightedness?
Monday, February 27, 2012
today's rant: driving school
i was driving home from a career transition commpany (long story) driving in the left lane on route 109. a driving school car was in the middle lane. i was driving faster, but the driver behind the wheel of the driving school car decided to move into the left lane. she was cutting it kinda close, but i had the room to decelerate enough to prevent a collision. it wasn't that much of a big deal, however, recognizing the opportunity for irony, i took it upon myself to make the most of the situation. i honked at the driving school car, now right in front of me, just to see what would happen. the instructor in the passenger seat raised her hand and started shaking it at the student driver. i couldn't help but laugh. i was proud to make sure to keep a driver's license out of the hands of a potentially bad driver for a little while longer. new york, you may thank me now.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
today's rant: seinfeld & santorum
i have never, ever found the show "seinfeld" funny. i've never seen jerry seinfeld live, so i really don't know if i can gauge him based on the show. the only thing i have to gauge his comedy is an old episode of "celebrity deathmatch". after his costars turn on him, he says "what's the deal with internal bleeding? if it's internal, is it really bleeding?" lately, i've been unfortunate enough to watch some "seinfeld" reruns by chance. not funny. i don't see what all the big fuss was about in the 90s. i don't think it's because i've become desensitized to sitcom-type comedy. it's just that i'd rather watch turtles fuck than watch "seinfeld".
as a registered republican, i find it supremely disturbing that a man like rick santorum can get so close to the presidency of the united states of america. here's a guy who doesn't have his priorities straight. he said this in 2004 about gay marriage:
"I would argue that the future of America hangs in the balance, because the future of the family hangs in the balance. Isn’t that the ultimate homeland security, standing up and defending marriage?”
um... no. i don't know about him, but i have never seen a skeevy video with a masked gay person holding an ak-47 ranting and raving with the rainbow flag in the background. i've never seen a gay person shoot up a school, train, or military fort. i know of zero drug cartels that are run by the velvet mafia. when it comes to homeland security, i refer to common sense.
as a registered republican, i find it supremely disturbing that a man like rick santorum can get so close to the presidency of the united states of america. here's a guy who doesn't have his priorities straight. he said this in 2004 about gay marriage:
"I would argue that the future of America hangs in the balance, because the future of the family hangs in the balance. Isn’t that the ultimate homeland security, standing up and defending marriage?”
um... no. i don't know about him, but i have never seen a skeevy video with a masked gay person holding an ak-47 ranting and raving with the rainbow flag in the background. i've never seen a gay person shoot up a school, train, or military fort. i know of zero drug cartels that are run by the velvet mafia. when it comes to homeland security, i refer to common sense.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
today's rant: what are you doing on stage?
to start, let me apologize. the subject matter of which i will type the following words is based on jingle ball 2011, a whopping two months ago. i honestly have no idea why it took me two months to work up an obvious gripe. you good people deserve better than that.
for those who do not know, one of the most popular radio stations in the tri-state area is z100. they are a top-40 pop music radio station. it is my observation that they are the cause for most of my music gripes for the past 10 years. the biggest of the gripes is playing the same musician hour after hour after hour after hour. unfortunately for me, this behavior has been picked up by the local and smaller radio stations, saturating my radio dial with tweeny-bopping bullshit.
ok, time to get back on track. every december, z100 has a concert at madison square garden called "jingle ball", which usually headlines one or two major top-40 music acts. for the past two years, parts of the concert have been broadcasted 10 days after the concert on the fuse music channel. two music acts on the line-up this year were pitbull and david guetta. i have heard pitbull on the radio backing up the likes of j lo and enrique. he compliments the songs nicely. however, because of this, when i saw the replay of jingle ball, all he did was play other people's songs and then sing his part. one minute tops. of course, they have to play the hook in the song so the audience can sing along, but he just stood there, movin his shoulders and arms for seconds on end not really doing anything. i wish i could get paid to do that. when it came to david guetta, he played his "without you" song. i mean this literally. he took the record and played it on a turntable. he stood there behind his booth in front of thousands of prepubescent girls and danced to the vinyl disc turning around and around. oh, what an enthusiastic performance. what the fuck is he getting paid for? i can push the "play" button as well as the rest of them. what scares me is that for all we know, he was naked from the waist down.
i don't care that whitney houston is dead. bets now being taken for cause of death.
for those who do not know, one of the most popular radio stations in the tri-state area is z100. they are a top-40 pop music radio station. it is my observation that they are the cause for most of my music gripes for the past 10 years. the biggest of the gripes is playing the same musician hour after hour after hour after hour. unfortunately for me, this behavior has been picked up by the local and smaller radio stations, saturating my radio dial with tweeny-bopping bullshit.
ok, time to get back on track. every december, z100 has a concert at madison square garden called "jingle ball", which usually headlines one or two major top-40 music acts. for the past two years, parts of the concert have been broadcasted 10 days after the concert on the fuse music channel. two music acts on the line-up this year were pitbull and david guetta. i have heard pitbull on the radio backing up the likes of j lo and enrique. he compliments the songs nicely. however, because of this, when i saw the replay of jingle ball, all he did was play other people's songs and then sing his part. one minute tops. of course, they have to play the hook in the song so the audience can sing along, but he just stood there, movin his shoulders and arms for seconds on end not really doing anything. i wish i could get paid to do that. when it came to david guetta, he played his "without you" song. i mean this literally. he took the record and played it on a turntable. he stood there behind his booth in front of thousands of prepubescent girls and danced to the vinyl disc turning around and around. oh, what an enthusiastic performance. what the fuck is he getting paid for? i can push the "play" button as well as the rest of them. what scares me is that for all we know, he was naked from the waist down.
i don't care that whitney houston is dead. bets now being taken for cause of death.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
today's rant: frivolous litigation
my wife wanted to watch frasier earlier this evening. patrick stewart did a guest spot on the show. she said, "ooh, captain kirk." i said, "barbara, i'm going to forgive you for saying that." she replied, "oh, mr. spock?" i rebutted, "no, captain picard." at least i'm patient enough with my geekiness not to blow a gasket at something somewhat trivial.
i dislike frivolous litigation. god forbid, the assholes actually win, it makes shit too complicated. for example, look at a box of pop tarts. on the cooking instructions, the first instruction is "remove pastry from pouch." OOOOOOOH! THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT!!! NO WONDER THERE'S SO MUCH SMOKE! the geniuses at the ny post reported that a staten island woman is suing her town for $900 trillion for putting her kids in foster care 4 years ago. let me write out that number for you. $900,000,000,000,000.00. just one more factor of ten, she could've hit quadrillion. she wants damages for mental distress because she was such a bad mother, her children were taken away from her. i don't know if she expects to get anything or if this is just a publicity stunt, but i believe that the judge hearing the case should have the authority to smack her in the head with a gavel for wasting everybody's time.
remember that bitch who spilled hot mcdonald's coffee all over herself and sued mcdonalds and won, despite the fact that the cup warned that the coffee was hot? i'm disappointed she wasn't struck by lightning as if by some knowledgeable intervention by an almighty force to make us smarter as a species. i was making mac and cheese tonight for dinner and i accidentally scooped boiling water on my abdomen. i... didn't... make... a... sound. did it hurt? fuck yeah, it did. it doesn't hurt anymore, though. so suck it up, cunthole.
i dislike frivolous litigation. god forbid, the assholes actually win, it makes shit too complicated. for example, look at a box of pop tarts. on the cooking instructions, the first instruction is "remove pastry from pouch." OOOOOOOH! THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT!!! NO WONDER THERE'S SO MUCH SMOKE! the geniuses at the ny post reported that a staten island woman is suing her town for $900 trillion for putting her kids in foster care 4 years ago. let me write out that number for you. $900,000,000,000,000.00. just one more factor of ten, she could've hit quadrillion. she wants damages for mental distress because she was such a bad mother, her children were taken away from her. i don't know if she expects to get anything or if this is just a publicity stunt, but i believe that the judge hearing the case should have the authority to smack her in the head with a gavel for wasting everybody's time.
remember that bitch who spilled hot mcdonald's coffee all over herself and sued mcdonalds and won, despite the fact that the cup warned that the coffee was hot? i'm disappointed she wasn't struck by lightning as if by some knowledgeable intervention by an almighty force to make us smarter as a species. i was making mac and cheese tonight for dinner and i accidentally scooped boiling water on my abdomen. i... didn't... make... a... sound. did it hurt? fuck yeah, it did. it doesn't hurt anymore, though. so suck it up, cunthole.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
today's rant: hd vision aviators
hd vision aviators. what the fuck. first of all, this commercial for these goddamn sunglasses just emphasizes the stupidity of those low-budget, "yours for only $9.99" commercials you see in between daytime talk shows on network television. the key to the stupidity? the actors in the commercial try the product being sold, then start nodding up and down in approval at how wonderfully the product works. you know, i know, the american people know that these mini-infomercial products are of such poor quality the only way anyone would nod in approval at them would be if they were under mental suggestion by a jedi knight. *waves my fingers* you don't need to buy this bullshit. these aren't the sunglasses you're looking for.
moving on, i hate the tagline. "just like high-definition revolutionized television, hd vision aviators..." i'm gonna stop right there. that's enough. they might as well have said "just like high-definition dvd is a completely dead technology that never even stood a butt-fucking chance in hell, hd vision aviators..." you can tag on any prefix or suffix to your piece of shit; it still smells bad. ten years ago, computer companies added "XP" to everything, despite the fact that they had nothing to do with windows XP. nowadays, it's adding "i" before everything. yesterday, i passed a building on sunrise highway that had a sign that said "iDJnow". are you frickin' kidding me? iDon't give a flying dog turd! (<--that typo was intentional, just to make my point)
i must say, once again, as a republican, the GOP cesspool of presidential contenders is less awe-inspiring than watching turtles fuck. they've had 7 years to find a suitable successor to GWB's clusterfuck of a legacy (4 through GW's 2nd term and 3 through obama's current). THIS IS THE BEST THEY CAN COME UP WITH?!?! first, we've got mitt romney, the kitten-killing son of a bitch that flip flops more than a short order cook at IHOP. next, newt gingrich who can't keep his ted kennedy inflated head inside his pants long enough to stay married to one person. they are followed by rick "homosexuality is a threat to the american people" santorum and ron paul, whose cervix, i mean service, as an gyno is invaluable experience as a washington obstetrition, i mean politian.
i'm saying this now and until november: CLAUS/BUNNY '12!!! why not? they've given more to me in my lifetime than any politician i can think of.
moving on, i hate the tagline. "just like high-definition revolutionized television, hd vision aviators..." i'm gonna stop right there. that's enough. they might as well have said "just like high-definition dvd is a completely dead technology that never even stood a butt-fucking chance in hell, hd vision aviators..." you can tag on any prefix or suffix to your piece of shit; it still smells bad. ten years ago, computer companies added "XP" to everything, despite the fact that they had nothing to do with windows XP. nowadays, it's adding "i" before everything. yesterday, i passed a building on sunrise highway that had a sign that said "iDJnow". are you frickin' kidding me? iDon't give a flying dog turd! (<--that typo was intentional, just to make my point)
i must say, once again, as a republican, the GOP cesspool of presidential contenders is less awe-inspiring than watching turtles fuck. they've had 7 years to find a suitable successor to GWB's clusterfuck of a legacy (4 through GW's 2nd term and 3 through obama's current). THIS IS THE BEST THEY CAN COME UP WITH?!?! first, we've got mitt romney, the kitten-killing son of a bitch that flip flops more than a short order cook at IHOP. next, newt gingrich who can't keep his ted kennedy inflated head inside his pants long enough to stay married to one person. they are followed by rick "homosexuality is a threat to the american people" santorum and ron paul, whose cervix, i mean service, as an gyno is invaluable experience as a washington obstetrition, i mean politian.
i'm saying this now and until november: CLAUS/BUNNY '12!!! why not? they've given more to me in my lifetime than any politician i can think of.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
today's rant: new vocab
since i became a father 9 days ago, i've had the opportunity to expand my vocabulary by leaps and bounds. let me list all of the new exciting words i've learned:
meconium (i encourage everyone who doesn't know what that is to look it up on wikipedia. the picture is truly a sight to see)
swaddler
BPA
effacement
prostaglandin
oxytocin
kangaroo care
jauntis
billirubin (who the fuck is billy rubin and what is he doing to my daughter?)
here's one phrase you don't want to hear anyone say while they're on the toilet: "there's that tuna salad."
meconium (i encourage everyone who doesn't know what that is to look it up on wikipedia. the picture is truly a sight to see)
swaddler
BPA
effacement
prostaglandin
oxytocin
kangaroo care
jauntis
billirubin (who the fuck is billy rubin and what is he doing to my daughter?)
here's one phrase you don't want to hear anyone say while they're on the toilet: "there's that tuna salad."
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
today's rant: the post office
have you ever met anyone that was griping about something so stupid you wanted to smack them in the face? let me tell you about my trip to the post office yesterday.
why is it that no matter what time of day it is, there is always a line long enough to think you're going to spend more time there than the doctor's office? the next time i'm actually AT the doctor's office, i'll just give them my mail and same some time. so while i was on line, and i heard this snooty bitch behind the counter who said "this is the USPS titanic, a slowly sinking ship, with everyone ordering online and paying bills online and emailing." yeah? really? the line is going outside the door and you're complaining about lack of service? are you blind and stupid? i think you tied that hair tie too much. it's cutting off circulation to your brain. even if you're losing business, maybe it's because your post office keeps losing people's credit bills, you keep raising the price of all your services, and you just plain don't deliver on martin luther king day. fuck you.
i now know what a $500 stroller looks like. it was delivered yesterday evening by UPS. the store said it would take two weeks to ship the stroller. it took three days. again, fuck you, post office! originally, we just wanted to pick up the damn thing. the only one the store had in the color we (barbara) wanted was the display model. we asked customer service if we could buy that one. they looked it up in their computer and said that they don't have it in stock in that color and they don't normally stock that color. we said, "yes, you do. it's right there. it's being displayed." they said "oh, that's a return." we said "so what?" they still didn't give it to us. idiots. if we have to cough up hundreds of dollars on a stroller, you better believe we're going to try to get last year's model on display and save at least $100.
i hate the christmas tree shop, buy buy baby, and bed bath & beyond. i don't think it's any coincidence that they are all owned by the same company. my reason for hating them is stupid, but it's the best reason i have. the layout for all three stores is exactly the same. they are giant squares. the customers walk all four sides in a predetermined path, with the final side having the cash registers. the reason i want to kick myself in the nuts every time we go to these stores is that eventually, by the time we reach the registers, there is always some item we forgot or missed and we'll have to walk around the fucking store AT LEAST TWO MORE TIMES TO FIND THE FUCKING THINGS!! you're just walking around, passing the same shit you didn't want to buy the first time, and you start hallucinating that those items are secretly mocking you. the silicone cookware and the cheap, overpriced aluminum storage racks are laughing at you because you have to pass them over and over and over again just because you couldn't find that one kitchen cleaner that's certified to be excrement-free the first time. gentlemen, bring your ipod. if you're making a gift registry at any of these stores, make sure you keep the gun and only walk around once. if you forget something, fuck it. you'll be back in a week anyway because someone forgot to add one "we absolutely need this on the registry" item on your list.
why is it that no matter what time of day it is, there is always a line long enough to think you're going to spend more time there than the doctor's office? the next time i'm actually AT the doctor's office, i'll just give them my mail and same some time. so while i was on line, and i heard this snooty bitch behind the counter who said "this is the USPS titanic, a slowly sinking ship, with everyone ordering online and paying bills online and emailing." yeah? really? the line is going outside the door and you're complaining about lack of service? are you blind and stupid? i think you tied that hair tie too much. it's cutting off circulation to your brain. even if you're losing business, maybe it's because your post office keeps losing people's credit bills, you keep raising the price of all your services, and you just plain don't deliver on martin luther king day. fuck you.
i now know what a $500 stroller looks like. it was delivered yesterday evening by UPS. the store said it would take two weeks to ship the stroller. it took three days. again, fuck you, post office! originally, we just wanted to pick up the damn thing. the only one the store had in the color we (barbara) wanted was the display model. we asked customer service if we could buy that one. they looked it up in their computer and said that they don't have it in stock in that color and they don't normally stock that color. we said, "yes, you do. it's right there. it's being displayed." they said "oh, that's a return." we said "so what?" they still didn't give it to us. idiots. if we have to cough up hundreds of dollars on a stroller, you better believe we're going to try to get last year's model on display and save at least $100.
i hate the christmas tree shop, buy buy baby, and bed bath & beyond. i don't think it's any coincidence that they are all owned by the same company. my reason for hating them is stupid, but it's the best reason i have. the layout for all three stores is exactly the same. they are giant squares. the customers walk all four sides in a predetermined path, with the final side having the cash registers. the reason i want to kick myself in the nuts every time we go to these stores is that eventually, by the time we reach the registers, there is always some item we forgot or missed and we'll have to walk around the fucking store AT LEAST TWO MORE TIMES TO FIND THE FUCKING THINGS!! you're just walking around, passing the same shit you didn't want to buy the first time, and you start hallucinating that those items are secretly mocking you. the silicone cookware and the cheap, overpriced aluminum storage racks are laughing at you because you have to pass them over and over and over again just because you couldn't find that one kitchen cleaner that's certified to be excrement-free the first time. gentlemen, bring your ipod. if you're making a gift registry at any of these stores, make sure you keep the gun and only walk around once. if you forget something, fuck it. you'll be back in a week anyway because someone forgot to add one "we absolutely need this on the registry" item on your list.
Monday, January 16, 2012
today's rant: i'm older
now that i'm 28, i don't feel any different than a year ago. maybe that'll change when the kid arrives.
rosie o'donnell has gotten exponentially stupider with each TV show she has been on.
i've come to the realization that when it comes to cinema, i am very low brow. i've downloaded and seen some "critically acclaimed" movies that get all the praise from the likes of roger ebert (jesus christ, he looks like a disney world robot with that new chin of his). to be honest, i'm not that impressed. i've seen "no country for old men". it was boring. i've watched "little miss sunshine". it wasn't funny. i don't like it when movie award shows tell me what movies to like. i much prefer to have my movie experiences be organic. boy meets movie, boy likes movie, boy buys movie dvd, boy and movie grow old together. no outside interference required.
collegehumor.com has pointed out that newt gingrich's head has evolved into ted kennedy's head. i didn't notice until they pointed it out.
i have a t-shirt that was given to me before i got married. it is a black t-shirt with a white silhouette of a couple getting married. underneath reads "GAME OVER" in letters that have been ironed on. unfortunately, the bottom horizontal stroke of the letter E in "GAME" has fallen off the fabric, so that it now reads "GAMF OVER". i think i'll still keep the t-shirt just to confuse people.
i hate telemarketers with a passion. they call on sundays and national holidays without any shame or hopes of getting laid that night. i have never personally known a telemarketer. if i did, i'd kick them in the reproductive organs just to make sure they didn't sire any genetically weak offspring in the future. i encourage everyone to do the same.
rosie o'donnell has gotten exponentially stupider with each TV show she has been on.
i've come to the realization that when it comes to cinema, i am very low brow. i've downloaded and seen some "critically acclaimed" movies that get all the praise from the likes of roger ebert (jesus christ, he looks like a disney world robot with that new chin of his). to be honest, i'm not that impressed. i've seen "no country for old men". it was boring. i've watched "little miss sunshine". it wasn't funny. i don't like it when movie award shows tell me what movies to like. i much prefer to have my movie experiences be organic. boy meets movie, boy likes movie, boy buys movie dvd, boy and movie grow old together. no outside interference required.
collegehumor.com has pointed out that newt gingrich's head has evolved into ted kennedy's head. i didn't notice until they pointed it out.
i have a t-shirt that was given to me before i got married. it is a black t-shirt with a white silhouette of a couple getting married. underneath reads "GAME OVER" in letters that have been ironed on. unfortunately, the bottom horizontal stroke of the letter E in "GAME" has fallen off the fabric, so that it now reads "GAMF OVER". i think i'll still keep the t-shirt just to confuse people.
i hate telemarketers with a passion. they call on sundays and national holidays without any shame or hopes of getting laid that night. i have never personally known a telemarketer. if i did, i'd kick them in the reproductive organs just to make sure they didn't sire any genetically weak offspring in the future. i encourage everyone to do the same.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
today's rant: future endeavored, originally 12/12/11
why is it that whenever i have passengers in my car and the car comes to a stop at our destination, my passengers somehow believe that their car door has magically unlocked itself? out of spite, i've stopped unlocking the doors for them when they fail to recognize this. i've grown accustomed to watching my mom and grandma stare at the door handle for long periods of time and ask them "have you forgotten how a car door works?"
i am no longer making sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads. the parent company has decided to shut us down and i was the very first person to get the big screw last week. that's right, i got future endeavored. hey quantronix, you did a really bad job of keeping this news from us. we knew a week ahead of time that the guillotine was coming down and it gave us ample time to prepare. scott, at your next job, you might not want to say such phrases as "cut the fat" and "list by tuesday" in the hallway. shawn heard the whole thing. merry christmas, quantronix.
i am no longer making sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads. the parent company has decided to shut us down and i was the very first person to get the big screw last week. that's right, i got future endeavored. hey quantronix, you did a really bad job of keeping this news from us. we knew a week ahead of time that the guillotine was coming down and it gave us ample time to prepare. scott, at your next job, you might not want to say such phrases as "cut the fat" and "list by tuesday" in the hallway. shawn heard the whole thing. merry christmas, quantronix.
today's rant: license to talk, originally 11/5/11
i know that the first amendment of the US bill of rights provides that congress shall make no law prohibiting the freedom of a person to speak their mind. OK. how about we just have people take a test? if you pass, you can say whatever you want and you get a license to talk. **LET ME CLARIFY** before someone sicks the ACLU on my ass. the test should be about a person's mental ability to say the appropriate thing at the appropriate time. for example, the word "fuck". saying "fuck" in anger, passion, in a comedic setting or the like is perfectly acceptable. saying "fuck" to a room of kindergarteners is a no go. that person should have their license to talk suspended. however, documented ongoing evidence of talking shit out of your mouth should lead to a lifetime ban altogether. i'm talking about the kind of ravings that should be kept to the confines of a person's head or written or typed in a place where people will hardly ever read them (i.e., everything i've blogged in the past 5 years)
in my head, the following people should have their license to talk revoked FOR LIFE, and thus i refuse to take anything they say with any credibility:
nancy grace.
paul from my job 4 years ago. you were not my supervisor. it was not my job to make you coffee. i was a laser engineer. it was not YOUR job to talk continuously to the girl in the front office.
bill o'reilly
glenn beck (...has nazi tourettes)
the blond girl from fox and friends
the head of the westboro baptist church
mahmood ahmadine-rime-ramalama-dingdong-whateverthefuckhisnameis
sarah palin
rosie o'donnell
joy behar
elisabeth hasselback
whoopi goldberg
sherri shepard
rick santorum
the following people should have their license to talk temporarily suspended:
al sharpton. you can protest against white cops shooting black men all you want. you SHOULD. what you should NOT do is block the 59th street bridge preventing people who had nothing to do with said shootings from getting to work.
hilary clinton.
hank williams jr.
nancy pelosi
peter king
if the above list makes it seem to you that i'm being unreasonably harsh towards fox and my fellow republicans, hey, it's not my fault they yell stupid things in public forums on a routine basis just begging for mass criticism.
speaking of mass criticism, i refuse to post comments on web pages containing news articles of any kind. money back guarantee, there is a left-wing vs. right-wing debate going on regardless of any (or lack of) political content of the news article. i see it as the lowest tier of voicing opinion. the only exception is when someone makes some obscure funny comment referring to the comment maker's favorite cartoon show. those are gold. if you choose to make comments on web pages, don't do it on news articles. so many people post on those things that your comment gets lost in no time. it's almost pointless. save your comments for some stupid SOB on some website hardly anyone goes to anymore and really let them have it.
in my head, the following people should have their license to talk revoked FOR LIFE, and thus i refuse to take anything they say with any credibility:
nancy grace.
paul from my job 4 years ago. you were not my supervisor. it was not my job to make you coffee. i was a laser engineer. it was not YOUR job to talk continuously to the girl in the front office.
bill o'reilly
glenn beck (...has nazi tourettes)
the blond girl from fox and friends
the head of the westboro baptist church
mahmood ahmadine-rime-ramalama-dingdong-whateverthefuckhisnameis
sarah palin
rosie o'donnell
joy behar
elisabeth hasselback
whoopi goldberg
sherri shepard
rick santorum
the following people should have their license to talk temporarily suspended:
al sharpton. you can protest against white cops shooting black men all you want. you SHOULD. what you should NOT do is block the 59th street bridge preventing people who had nothing to do with said shootings from getting to work.
hilary clinton.
hank williams jr.
nancy pelosi
peter king
if the above list makes it seem to you that i'm being unreasonably harsh towards fox and my fellow republicans, hey, it's not my fault they yell stupid things in public forums on a routine basis just begging for mass criticism.
speaking of mass criticism, i refuse to post comments on web pages containing news articles of any kind. money back guarantee, there is a left-wing vs. right-wing debate going on regardless of any (or lack of) political content of the news article. i see it as the lowest tier of voicing opinion. the only exception is when someone makes some obscure funny comment referring to the comment maker's favorite cartoon show. those are gold. if you choose to make comments on web pages, don't do it on news articles. so many people post on those things that your comment gets lost in no time. it's almost pointless. save your comments for some stupid SOB on some website hardly anyone goes to anymore and really let them have it.
today's rant: quantum of solace sucked, originally 9/10/11
what does it say about myspace if there is a "login via facebook" button on the main page?
it took me a while to watch "quantum of solace", but i do not care for it much. comparing it to the other james bond films, i'd give it a two-tumbs-up-my-ass. in general, james bond movies are not my forte. each time i watch one for the first time, the plot is lost to me. from "dr. no" to now, i think the only movie with a sensible enough plot was "goldfinger". it doesn't make sense until i buy the video game and play it through once or twice, just like "goldeneye". at least i can get the gist of "bourne" movies no sweat. however, by the end of a bond movie, i have to replay the mess in my head. "ok. there was a car chase. don't know what led to the car chase, but there was a car chase. um... he is in russia. wait a minute, why the fuck did he got to italy? the fuck? who is that guy? is he a friend? where did he come from? where's Q?" but while i still have "quantum of solace" fresh in my head, allow me to vent.
daniel craig is a shitty james bond. yes, he's a death-defying spy, but he's also a pussy-whipped alcoholic piece of shit. sean connery is no alcoholic piece of shit. daniel craig does not smile. at all! all of the bonds have smiled. you know that awesome grin connery made when pussy galore said her name. i don't know why, maybe i have it backwards. maybe daniel craig just plays a shitty-written james bond.
speaking of shitty writing, why did they take all of the gadgets away?! where are the cars with the missiles behind the headlight? where's the detonating wristwatch? where's the paperclip[ that can unfold unto a parachute? and i ask again: where's Q?!?! i want some old brit kindly asking bond to return all of the badass equipment in pristine order. is that so wrong?
i did not appreciate the quality of villain in "solace", either. no sense of megalomaniac tendencies, no weird quirks or deformities, no nuthin. come to think of it, why are most of the badass bad guys the 2nds in command of the main bad guy? oddjow, jaws, xenia onnotop, that british tart with the knives in "die another day", the list goes on. "solace" had none of that. the bad guy was, in my expert opinion, a grown up version of golum without any testicles and the ax-wielding skills of a desk chair. in the end, he's still a pussy underling doing nothing to enhance the image of villainy of the evil-doers bound to be revealed in the later films (provided that the people who own the james bond franchise can convince a movie studio to make any more movies, since metaphorically, the bond movies have hepatitis C. nobody wants to touch them.) get joss whedon on the case. he can portray a network of evil like no other (see buffy and angel),
finally, what the fuck kind of evil plot was that? "oh, we're launching an evil scheme to take over bolivia's water supply." fuck you! where are the nuclear bombs and shit? where is the evil superweapon? look, i can trump any thread against my water supply right fucking now. want to know how? brita water filters, biatch! i've got like 500 of them under my sink.
it took me a while to watch "quantum of solace", but i do not care for it much. comparing it to the other james bond films, i'd give it a two-tumbs-up-my-ass. in general, james bond movies are not my forte. each time i watch one for the first time, the plot is lost to me. from "dr. no" to now, i think the only movie with a sensible enough plot was "goldfinger". it doesn't make sense until i buy the video game and play it through once or twice, just like "goldeneye". at least i can get the gist of "bourne" movies no sweat. however, by the end of a bond movie, i have to replay the mess in my head. "ok. there was a car chase. don't know what led to the car chase, but there was a car chase. um... he is in russia. wait a minute, why the fuck did he got to italy? the fuck? who is that guy? is he a friend? where did he come from? where's Q?" but while i still have "quantum of solace" fresh in my head, allow me to vent.
daniel craig is a shitty james bond. yes, he's a death-defying spy, but he's also a pussy-whipped alcoholic piece of shit. sean connery is no alcoholic piece of shit. daniel craig does not smile. at all! all of the bonds have smiled. you know that awesome grin connery made when pussy galore said her name. i don't know why, maybe i have it backwards. maybe daniel craig just plays a shitty-written james bond.
speaking of shitty writing, why did they take all of the gadgets away?! where are the cars with the missiles behind the headlight? where's the detonating wristwatch? where's the paperclip[ that can unfold unto a parachute? and i ask again: where's Q?!?! i want some old brit kindly asking bond to return all of the badass equipment in pristine order. is that so wrong?
i did not appreciate the quality of villain in "solace", either. no sense of megalomaniac tendencies, no weird quirks or deformities, no nuthin. come to think of it, why are most of the badass bad guys the 2nds in command of the main bad guy? oddjow, jaws, xenia onnotop, that british tart with the knives in "die another day", the list goes on. "solace" had none of that. the bad guy was, in my expert opinion, a grown up version of golum without any testicles and the ax-wielding skills of a desk chair. in the end, he's still a pussy underling doing nothing to enhance the image of villainy of the evil-doers bound to be revealed in the later films (provided that the people who own the james bond franchise can convince a movie studio to make any more movies, since metaphorically, the bond movies have hepatitis C. nobody wants to touch them.) get joss whedon on the case. he can portray a network of evil like no other (see buffy and angel),
finally, what the fuck kind of evil plot was that? "oh, we're launching an evil scheme to take over bolivia's water supply." fuck you! where are the nuclear bombs and shit? where is the evil superweapon? look, i can trump any thread against my water supply right fucking now. want to know how? brita water filters, biatch! i've got like 500 of them under my sink.
today's rant: goodbye, mr. anderson, originally 7/28/11
there really isn't any special reason for the rant title. i'm watching "the matrix" and that was the line hugo weaving just said to keanu reeves.
i don't know about the rest of you, but i definitely do not need to see the "rise of the planet of the apes" movie. if you have seen the full-length trailer, let me ask this question: is it just me, or did the trailer just spoil the ENTIRE movie? for those who haven't seen the trailer, i'm about to describe it. it has crossed my mind to put a "SPOILER ALERT" somewhere in this, but i'm declining because the trailer is already out. what's done is done. OK, here's the trailer/movie.
james franco tests new drug on monkey (possibly the same drug that turned him into the 2nd green goblin) monkey gets smart, but shunned by those who don't understand it. sounds like my time in high school. monkey gets locked up with the other monkeys, but gets a hold of a cattle prod and shoves it up draco malfoy's butt. monkey releases the drug to the rest of the monkeys. they get smart. they take over.
i just saved you $11 and 2 hours of your life.
i read this in the news earlier today, and i found it ironic. "And although he some learning disabilities, legendary pro-wrestler Mick Foley says he's never met a wrestler like Daniel." ah yes, learning disabilities, like the inability to read or write. "he some learning disabilities".
i don't get the debt ceiling debate. here is what i think it is about, and my view is probably wrong as hell; i'm letting you know that right now. if they pass an agreement, we'll have money to pay debts. if they don't pass an agreement, they won't have money. so somehow, the US gov't will magically get money to pay bills in the next week if an agreement is made. um, here's an idea. if we have a treasury, PRINT MORE FUCKING MONEY!!! don't tell us you're printing money, then come out on all the media outlets this weekend, act all surprised, and say "Oh, we can pay China now." or can't we barter? let's give china the cast of "jersey shore". have you seen their tans? they are solar energy collectors. i defy you to say we can't promote that as an alternative clean energy source. ...ok, maybe "clean" wasn't the right term to use...
this is why i hate reading national news. i just fucking don't care. i care about possibly getting a new coliseum in nassau, but i don't give two shits about debt ceilings. it's all retarded.
i don't know about the rest of you, but i definitely do not need to see the "rise of the planet of the apes" movie. if you have seen the full-length trailer, let me ask this question: is it just me, or did the trailer just spoil the ENTIRE movie? for those who haven't seen the trailer, i'm about to describe it. it has crossed my mind to put a "SPOILER ALERT" somewhere in this, but i'm declining because the trailer is already out. what's done is done. OK, here's the trailer/movie.
james franco tests new drug on monkey (possibly the same drug that turned him into the 2nd green goblin) monkey gets smart, but shunned by those who don't understand it. sounds like my time in high school. monkey gets locked up with the other monkeys, but gets a hold of a cattle prod and shoves it up draco malfoy's butt. monkey releases the drug to the rest of the monkeys. they get smart. they take over.
i just saved you $11 and 2 hours of your life.
i read this in the news earlier today, and i found it ironic. "And although he some learning disabilities, legendary pro-wrestler Mick Foley says he's never met a wrestler like Daniel." ah yes, learning disabilities, like the inability to read or write. "he some learning disabilities".
i don't get the debt ceiling debate. here is what i think it is about, and my view is probably wrong as hell; i'm letting you know that right now. if they pass an agreement, we'll have money to pay debts. if they don't pass an agreement, they won't have money. so somehow, the US gov't will magically get money to pay bills in the next week if an agreement is made. um, here's an idea. if we have a treasury, PRINT MORE FUCKING MONEY!!! don't tell us you're printing money, then come out on all the media outlets this weekend, act all surprised, and say "Oh, we can pay China now." or can't we barter? let's give china the cast of "jersey shore". have you seen their tans? they are solar energy collectors. i defy you to say we can't promote that as an alternative clean energy source. ...ok, maybe "clean" wasn't the right term to use...
this is why i hate reading national news. i just fucking don't care. i care about possibly getting a new coliseum in nassau, but i don't give two shits about debt ceilings. it's all retarded.
today's rant: wedding bells are ringing, originally 5/1/11
one of the most gratifying things about getting married (besides getting married) is that when it's over, there will be so much more space in the house. we have stocked up the house a WHOLE lot of stuff for the wedding. it's been like this for a couple of months, but it's only started to bother me today. what set if off? i can't find the tv remote in the living room. ladies, that might not seem like a big deal, but i promise you... when a guy loses the tv remote, he loses his last sense of security. he starts having a mini panic attack. it doesn't matter if nothing good is on tv. its a sense of control that has been magically taken away from him. goosebumps, his hands start shaking, he almost loses bowel control, he starts making funny, infantile noises, an at his weakest, he'll reach for a pair of scis... oh, here it is. found it.
stop asking me if i'm nervous.
leave it to prince william and princess kate to try to upstage my wedding by having theirs one week before mine. real classy, you brit twits. you're still jealous about us turning boston harbor into a giant tea cup. get over it.
jesus, i got sick of the royal wedding real quick.
stop asking me if i'm nervous.
leave it to prince william and princess kate to try to upstage my wedding by having theirs one week before mine. real classy, you brit twits. you're still jealous about us turning boston harbor into a giant tea cup. get over it.
jesus, i got sick of the royal wedding real quick.
today's rant: entertainment
fucking gas prices.
apparently, there is no more wrestling in WWE, world wrestling entertainment. The company is known as WWE, Inc, not World Wrestling Entertainment Inc. There are no wrestlers, there are only superstars and divas. there are no title belts, there are only championships. they are not a wrestling company, they are only an entertainment company. maybe that's the reason why the wrestling observer newsletter names UFC as the best promotion year after year, despite the fact that UFC IS REAL!!! vincent kennedy mcmahon junior is an idiot.
coincidentally, myspace isn't a social networking site anymore, either. it's "social entertainment". no, it's not. want to know what is really social entertainment? a 1000 person circle jerk. THAT's social entertainment. (sponsored by astroglide, 'cause god knows the logistics of pulling something like that off needs corporate sponsorship)
let's see if the trend keeps going. fox news can be called "journalistic entertainment", taco bell can be called "mexican food entertainment", MTV is "music entertainment".
explain this to me: according to taco bell's website, their 100% USDA inspected beef is 88% beef. that's right. according to their math, 100 = 88. um... how much beef is in the 88% beef? if my math is correct, that would be 77.44%. of course, that naturally means that 77.44% of the beef is really 68.15% beef. isn't math fun?
i had the privilege to submit a story to the darwin awards website for an honorable mention (person almost died doing something really stupid). the moderators approved it for public voting.
http://www.darwinawards.com/slush/201104/pending20110421-091536.html
last thursday morning, a newspaper delivery guy got stuck in an elevator in manhattan between the first floor and the lobby. he pried the doors open and tried to jump out of the elevator. the doorman saw and tried to help by getting a chair to stand on. the guy didn't wait, jumped out, lost his balance, and fell down the elevator chute 25 feet. vote if you want.
apparently, there is no more wrestling in WWE, world wrestling entertainment. The company is known as WWE, Inc, not World Wrestling Entertainment Inc. There are no wrestlers, there are only superstars and divas. there are no title belts, there are only championships. they are not a wrestling company, they are only an entertainment company. maybe that's the reason why the wrestling observer newsletter names UFC as the best promotion year after year, despite the fact that UFC IS REAL!!! vincent kennedy mcmahon junior is an idiot.
coincidentally, myspace isn't a social networking site anymore, either. it's "social entertainment". no, it's not. want to know what is really social entertainment? a 1000 person circle jerk. THAT's social entertainment. (sponsored by astroglide, 'cause god knows the logistics of pulling something like that off needs corporate sponsorship)
let's see if the trend keeps going. fox news can be called "journalistic entertainment", taco bell can be called "mexican food entertainment", MTV is "music entertainment".
explain this to me: according to taco bell's website, their 100% USDA inspected beef is 88% beef. that's right. according to their math, 100 = 88. um... how much beef is in the 88% beef? if my math is correct, that would be 77.44%. of course, that naturally means that 77.44% of the beef is really 68.15% beef. isn't math fun?
i had the privilege to submit a story to the darwin awards website for an honorable mention (person almost died doing something really stupid). the moderators approved it for public voting.
http://www.darwinawards.com/slush/201104/pending20110421-091536.html
last thursday morning, a newspaper delivery guy got stuck in an elevator in manhattan between the first floor and the lobby. he pried the doors open and tried to jump out of the elevator. the doorman saw and tried to help by getting a chair to stand on. the guy didn't wait, jumped out, lost his balance, and fell down the elevator chute 25 feet. vote if you want.
today's rant: fox business news, originally 4/2/11
news corp, you've given me another reason, so i'm taking it.
on the ride home from work, i listen to 1010 wins AM radio for news. just one of the many signs that i'm getting old at the tender age of 27. at about 6:11pm every weeknight, there's an advertisement for fox business news. to be honest, when i first heard that fox had a channel about money, i thought, "why? there is already a channel about money, CNBC. yeah, i know, NBC, leftists, all that BS, but shouldn't money have no political affiliation? doesn't everyone want to be rich? what can fox contribute?"
well, i've been getting a good idea though these commercials. for example, if CNBC wanted me to watch their programming, an ad might say "AT&T plans on buying out T-Mobile. We'll let you know how this affects the telcom industry. Then, will see what other companies might benefit from this merger." on the other hand, a fox business ad to me sounds like "coming up at 7 tonight, we'll discuss how president obama plans on spreading peanut butter over your asshole and fucking you with a banana."
normally, this would piss me off. why does a "business news" channel complain about the democrats so much? in the end, i get a laugh out of it. they do this every day at 6:11 without fail. they don't advertise anything about stock quotes, earnings reports, or CEO interviews. it makes me feel smarter knowing i don't watch the channel.
on the ride home from work, i listen to 1010 wins AM radio for news. just one of the many signs that i'm getting old at the tender age of 27. at about 6:11pm every weeknight, there's an advertisement for fox business news. to be honest, when i first heard that fox had a channel about money, i thought, "why? there is already a channel about money, CNBC. yeah, i know, NBC, leftists, all that BS, but shouldn't money have no political affiliation? doesn't everyone want to be rich? what can fox contribute?"
well, i've been getting a good idea though these commercials. for example, if CNBC wanted me to watch their programming, an ad might say "AT&T plans on buying out T-Mobile. We'll let you know how this affects the telcom industry. Then, will see what other companies might benefit from this merger." on the other hand, a fox business ad to me sounds like "coming up at 7 tonight, we'll discuss how president obama plans on spreading peanut butter over your asshole and fucking you with a banana."
normally, this would piss me off. why does a "business news" channel complain about the democrats so much? in the end, i get a laugh out of it. they do this every day at 6:11 without fail. they don't advertise anything about stock quotes, earnings reports, or CEO interviews. it makes me feel smarter knowing i don't watch the channel.
today's rant: charlie and the looney bin, originally 3/2/11
i've had time to gather my thoughts and form an opinion...
ok, first, i gotta get something else off my chest. taco bell, i don't care. you're cheap. stop with the commercials. wait, what the fuck is that? is that a white person in a taco bell uniform?! what kind of bullshit are you trying to pull?
back to charlie sheen. i've decided to judge charlie's behavior one of two ways, depending on what he wants out of life. so, if he wants to be a good father, husband, actor, and role model, then... based on his behavior... he is a horrible person. he doesn't even know where his children are, and he's still going on interviews. no. NO! that's wrong! on the other hand, if he doesn't want to be a good father, husband, actor (not a bad stretch), or role model, then let him behave however the fuck he wants. that way, he'll party, overdose, and die by the end of the fiscal year and all this media coverage will be over and done with.
ok, first, i gotta get something else off my chest. taco bell, i don't care. you're cheap. stop with the commercials. wait, what the fuck is that? is that a white person in a taco bell uniform?! what kind of bullshit are you trying to pull?
back to charlie sheen. i've decided to judge charlie's behavior one of two ways, depending on what he wants out of life. so, if he wants to be a good father, husband, actor, and role model, then... based on his behavior... he is a horrible person. he doesn't even know where his children are, and he's still going on interviews. no. NO! that's wrong! on the other hand, if he doesn't want to be a good father, husband, actor (not a bad stretch), or role model, then let him behave however the fuck he wants. that way, he'll party, overdose, and die by the end of the fiscal year and all this media coverage will be over and done with.
today's rant: jehova's witness vs. environmentalist, originally 2/27/11
last friday night, i was cooking dinner, chicken & gnocchi soup. basically, i wanted to rip off the olive garden recipe and just make it twice as big to make it a dinner-sized portion. i'm creative that way. so, about halfway through, the doorbell rings. i'm thinking "it's 8pm, it's friday night, someone is a buzzkill. it must be those jehova's witnesses!" so barbara goes to answer the door. as soon as she opens it, i shout from the kitchen, "IT BETTER NOT BE THOSE GODDAMN JEHOVA'S WITNESSES!!!"
to be honest, at this point, i didn't care who it was. it could've been barbara's sister for all i knew. she might've found it funny. as it turned out, it was a guy who wanted to collect letters from residents to urge congressmen to make a law... goddamn this is taking a long time... to stop people from dumping prescriptions down the drain. well, at some point, barbara dropped his clipboard on the ground, fucking up his paperwork in the dark. he said "can i come in to... uh, nevermind." therefore, my contribution to the conversation succeeded.
to be honest, at this point, i didn't care who it was. it could've been barbara's sister for all i knew. she might've found it funny. as it turned out, it was a guy who wanted to collect letters from residents to urge congressmen to make a law... goddamn this is taking a long time... to stop people from dumping prescriptions down the drain. well, at some point, barbara dropped his clipboard on the ground, fucking up his paperwork in the dark. he said "can i come in to... uh, nevermind." therefore, my contribution to the conversation succeeded.
today's rant: peace in the east, originally 2/24/11
i can understand if people would want to revolt against oppressive governments. i just wish those governments can find the safest and quickest means to end the violence... and they better fucking do it fast because my stock portfolio is hurting. get it over with, you assholes. you're ruining the economy for everyone.
today's rant: state of the onion, originally 1/25/11
watching the state of the union address is like going to the movies. there's nothing else to do, the whole thing starts 15 minutes late, and there's always some asshole who interrupts if you're trying to pay attention.
get ready for standing and clapping for no reason after every sentence, same ol' partisan politics, and over-usage of the phrase "the american people" because everyone, EVERYONE, democrat or republican, honestly believes that they know what "the american people" want. that's a bullshit taco with extra hot sauce (taco bell calls it the volcano taco).
i got engraved beer mugs for the guys in my bridal party. when my future father-in-law commented to barbara that i should've gotten pocket watches, i said "what am i, a train conductor? am i clocking a kenyan sprinter getting ready for the olympics?" a pocket watch? what the fuck and i going to do with a pocket watch? i have a watch, a phone, a laptop, a PC, a car radio, an oven, a microwave, and three cable boxes to tell me what time it is. i'm good.
why does john boehner look so uncomfortable listening to obama speak? it looks like he needs some prep-H or he's getting ready to unleash those eleven volcano tacos he ate.
get ready for standing and clapping for no reason after every sentence, same ol' partisan politics, and over-usage of the phrase "the american people" because everyone, EVERYONE, democrat or republican, honestly believes that they know what "the american people" want. that's a bullshit taco with extra hot sauce (taco bell calls it the volcano taco).
i got engraved beer mugs for the guys in my bridal party. when my future father-in-law commented to barbara that i should've gotten pocket watches, i said "what am i, a train conductor? am i clocking a kenyan sprinter getting ready for the olympics?" a pocket watch? what the fuck and i going to do with a pocket watch? i have a watch, a phone, a laptop, a PC, a car radio, an oven, a microwave, and three cable boxes to tell me what time it is. i'm good.
why does john boehner look so uncomfortable listening to obama speak? it looks like he needs some prep-H or he's getting ready to unleash those eleven volcano tacos he ate.
today's rant: what i've learned in 2010, originally 12/27/10
i've learned that if PLX really wanted to keep me as an employee, they would've given me a decent raise a long time ago.
i've learned what a snooki is. oh, who am i kidding, i have not! all i know is snooki want smoosh smoosh.
i've learned that i don't have time to do these rants on a regular basis anymore.
i've learned that this new myspace sucks shit.
i've learned how much i don't care when network tv channels cut their programming.
i now know how uptight people still are about muslims. a mosque is a mosque. it is not a jihad recruiting center, no matter what NY representative peter king thinks.
i've learned that new york has no money. i'm not sure it ever had money.
i've learned that winning radio prizes is a nice way of having little perks that you don't have to claim on your taxes.
i have learned that drinking can make me start driving on the wrong side of the highway.
i've learned that "idol" is no longer watchable.
i've learned that brett favre and xtina aguilera should probably hang up their gloves.
i've learned what beiber fever is. thankfully, i got immunized back when i got my cootie shot in 1st grade.
i've learned how much a wedding kinda costs. i say kinda 'cause i'm working with a budget and we've stayed in it so far.
i've learned that when you need kanye the most, he's not around. f you, taylor swift. you suck.
speaking of sucking, i've learned that the giants can't get back to where they were 3 years ago. first strahan retired, then plaxy shot himself. i'll be paying more attention to the jets next year.
i've learned what a snooki is. oh, who am i kidding, i have not! all i know is snooki want smoosh smoosh.
i've learned that i don't have time to do these rants on a regular basis anymore.
i've learned that this new myspace sucks shit.
i've learned how much i don't care when network tv channels cut their programming.
i now know how uptight people still are about muslims. a mosque is a mosque. it is not a jihad recruiting center, no matter what NY representative peter king thinks.
i've learned that new york has no money. i'm not sure it ever had money.
i've learned that winning radio prizes is a nice way of having little perks that you don't have to claim on your taxes.
i have learned that drinking can make me start driving on the wrong side of the highway.
i've learned that "idol" is no longer watchable.
i've learned that brett favre and xtina aguilera should probably hang up their gloves.
i've learned what beiber fever is. thankfully, i got immunized back when i got my cootie shot in 1st grade.
i've learned how much a wedding kinda costs. i say kinda 'cause i'm working with a budget and we've stayed in it so far.
i've learned that when you need kanye the most, he's not around. f you, taylor swift. you suck.
speaking of sucking, i've learned that the giants can't get back to where they were 3 years ago. first strahan retired, then plaxy shot himself. i'll be paying more attention to the jets next year.
today's rant: people are still stupid, originally 12/15/10
let me share some examples of just how stupid i think people are.
on facebook, when i was trying to login, they redirected me to something to supposedly enhance my security on the site. one of the things is a private question. i get to choose the question they ask. however, one of the options is "what are the last 5 characters on your driver's license?" are you fucking kidding me? it's like a cornucopia for hackers. they might as well ask me "what are the final 8 numbers on your social security card?" this coming from time magazine's "person of the year." fuck you, zuckerberg! go suck a cock.
on long island's highways, they've got those electronic signs that let people know what the upcoming traffic is like. well, lately, there have been 6 reported instances of people driving drunk on the wrong side of the highway, 2 of which have resulted in fatal car crashes. (by the way, the 4th law of physics is that for every fatality in a drunk driving car crash, the person dead is NEVER the drunk driver. so if you don't want to die in a car accident, BE DRUNK!) in response, the traffic signs, when there is no traffic, lately have said "don't drink & drive, it's the law". i think it would make more sense if they had that message facing AWAY from traffic. the drunk assholes driving on the wrong side of the highway can't see that sign, so might was well have the sign facing the opposite direction.
1010 wins radio covered the thanksgiving day parade. a radio channel talked about the balloons of a parade. REEEEEEEEEEEEEEtaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard.
on facebook, when i was trying to login, they redirected me to something to supposedly enhance my security on the site. one of the things is a private question. i get to choose the question they ask. however, one of the options is "what are the last 5 characters on your driver's license?" are you fucking kidding me? it's like a cornucopia for hackers. they might as well ask me "what are the final 8 numbers on your social security card?" this coming from time magazine's "person of the year." fuck you, zuckerberg! go suck a cock.
on long island's highways, they've got those electronic signs that let people know what the upcoming traffic is like. well, lately, there have been 6 reported instances of people driving drunk on the wrong side of the highway, 2 of which have resulted in fatal car crashes. (by the way, the 4th law of physics is that for every fatality in a drunk driving car crash, the person dead is NEVER the drunk driver. so if you don't want to die in a car accident, BE DRUNK!) in response, the traffic signs, when there is no traffic, lately have said "don't drink & drive, it's the law". i think it would make more sense if they had that message facing AWAY from traffic. the drunk assholes driving on the wrong side of the highway can't see that sign, so might was well have the sign facing the opposite direction.
1010 wins radio covered the thanksgiving day parade. a radio channel talked about the balloons of a parade. REEEEEEEEEEEEEEtaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard.
today's rant: department stores, originally 10/20/10
department stores really are gender biased. that is to say, they are biased against women. however, i don't think women mind or notice. here's what i'm talking about. today, at macy's, for women's clothing, there was a dkny section, a kasper section, and other sections based on designer. men have it much easier. we have a shirt section, a pants section, and an underwear section. done deal.
today's rant: rick sanchez & juan williams, originally 10/23/10
If you work in the media industry and state an opinion that is something completely stupid, offensive, and/or paranoid, should you be fired? Short answer: no. Long answer: I don’t think it should be the producers and administrators to decide. It should be decided by the viewers/readers/consumers. It’s a simple process. If you don’t like what you’re watching, don’t watch it again. If you don’t like what you read, stop reading it. If you don’t like what you’re listening to, listen to something else. Let the ratings drop. THEN, companies like CNN and NPR have a legitimate reason for firing the stupid SOB.
today's rant: 3-word quotes, originally 10/20/10
Ok, let’s try something a little less offensive.
I’m starting a new job at the beginning of November. I’m excited because I get some nice new perks, including more money and life insurance. I’m also a little nervous because I have to learn new things, I have to manage the new commute and make sure I’m not late, but most nerve-racking of all… I don’t know if the new job has good toilet paper. In the end, that’s my biggest concern (a little double talk there, you’re welcome). At my current job, we have something called “Windsoft” toilet paper. The name makes sense, if by “wind” they mean “frigid ice storm” and by “soft” they mean “shards of broken glass”. I really hope the person who orders the toilet paper at my new job respects himself enough to get the good stuff.
I think I’m just looking for a better work bathroom experience in general. The bathroom at work now has a lot of room for improvement. One toilet flushes better than the other. In my college dorm, we’d have names for each kind. The toilets with less flushing power were the “pissers” and the toilets with more flushing power were the “shitters”. Besides that, someone at work washes their hands before going into the bathroom stall. Someone else doesn’t know how to aim. I’ve written a note on the wall saying “Stop pissing on the floor and on the toilet seat.” Someone else just likes to leave unused paper towels on the floor. Not even near the garbage either, thrown back 4 feet. Just today, I saw short-’n-curlies in the sink.
I watched 5 minutes of last night’s NY gubernatorial debate. It was entertaining at first, but it didn’t talk long for people to get off-topic. I turned the TV off at that point.
If Cablevision is your TV provider and you’re going to be sad if you don’t see “Glee”, reconsider your priorities.
And now, I present my favorite famous 3-word movie quotes.
“I love lamp.” – Anchorman
“Fuck this planet” – Mission to Mars
“Tommy want wingie.” – Tommy Boy
“Iceberg, right ahead!” – Titanic
“Stay on target.” – Star Wars: A New Hope
"Who's scruffy lookin'?" “Size matters not.” – Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back
“You complete me.” – Jerry Maguire
“ET phone home.” – ET
“I’ll be back” – Terminator
“Resistance is futile.” – Star Trek: First Contact
“Run, Forrest! Run!” – Forrest Gump
“He slimed me.” “Mother puss bucket” – Ghostbusters
“Everyone has AIDS!” – Team America: World Police
“One million dollars!” - Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
“Sorry. I farted.” – Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
“This… Is… Sparta!!!” – 300
“Party on, Wayne.” “Party on, Garth.” – Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World 2
“Free your mind.” – The Matrix
“Bond. James Bond.” – Dr. No
“Sweep the leg.” – The Karate Kid
"Paging Dr. Faggot." - The Hangover
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