today's rant: the unvaccinated

If you are unvaccinated because of a medical condition that prohibits you from safely taking the shot, then OK.  You are fine.  If you are unvaccinated because you chose not to get one, then fuck you, shitbag!  Any time past May, 2021 to get your first shot is inexcusable.  States are creating incentives to get vaccinated.  They are giving away lottery tickets.  LOTTERY TICKETS!  I know for a fact that is what most of you stupid people spent your Biden stimulus on.  I didn't require an incentive.  It was March, I scheduled it, and I got it because I am a decent fucking human being.

You cocksuckers are the reason why people are still dying.  That is a statistical fact.  I shouldn't ironically read 5 news stories a week about people who refused to get a COVID-19 vaccine ending up on a ventilator for 6 weeks before dying.  Despite your retarded conspiracies, I almost wish this was biological warfare, because then it would weed out the stupid people who don't get immunity.  The only problem with that would be also the immunosuppressed, people who would be allergic to the shot, and others in the same boat would die from no fault of their own.  That's the whole fucking scientific reason for vaccines.  To stop the spread.  That's why I got it.  So fuck you.  I'm a better person than you.

If your reason for not getting the shot is purely political, god damn, you are fucking stupid.  Drumpf did "Operation Warp Speed" to get the stuff manufactured.  Just keep sucking his cock like you've been doing these past six months since he left office and just take the fucking shot.  Even Mr. turkey-turtle Mitch McConnell says to get it.

Today's rant: the erection of 2020

Was there a widespread attempt to commit election fraud?  Absolutely.  Trump did it.  He was on TV all the time pitching it.  His phone calls were recorded of him trying to do it.  He was fulfilling his own prophecy.  Argue with me.

He called state officials to try to get them to change the numbers.  This is a fact.  When that didn't work, he tried to get them to declare the votes bad.  This is also a fact.  People who don't believe these facts are registered sex offenders.  That is the 3rd fact of this paragraph.  He had Georgia count the votes 3 times.  Fine.  Do it.  Count it twenty times.  I want the numbers to be correct.

I'm glad Trump went to the courts to try get results changed.  All that did was help prove legitimacy to the vote.  He won 1 case and lost at least 60.  The only way that happens elsewhere in life is when you are picking your NCAA basketball bracket and you bet all underdogs.  What I am not glad with is his celebrity giving him a voice to continue spreading bullshit and unproven/disproven statements.

I will say that November and December were truly hopeful months.  Every day, Trump lost again.  And again.  AND AGAIN!  It was the gift that kept on giving.  Every day that passed got easier and easier to ignore any fucking batshit crazy thing he and his cronies said.  Glorious, glorious clarity, I can hear my own thoughts again.

I want to know how many cocks My Pillow Man had to suck in order to be in a position of power in federal government.  He needs to be sent to an insane asylum and put in a room with the walls lined with My Pillows.

I do not like that man, Ted Cruz.

I do not like his right-wing queues.

I do not like his vote objections.

I do not like his clothes selections.

I do not like his hairy face.

I do not like him wearing shades.

I do not like his total mass.

That man, Ted Cruz, can kiss my ass.

today's rant: coronavirus

I feel like I have been living in a young-adult novel for the past twelve months.  What the fuck?!

I think the argument of "if we just closed down a week earlier" is a bullshit argument, because absolutely nobody, democrat or republican, wanted to shut down.  I didn't want to shut down at the time either.  Baseball preseason had just started.  Let's go, Mets.  We were forced to due to the exponential rise of COVID cases.  So republicans blaming NY Governor Cuomo for not shutting down a week earlier is just as stupid of a comment to make democrats blaming the White House for not doing the same thing.  However, everything that happened after the 3rd week of March is entirely Trump's fault.  Everything bad was exacerbated by federal inaction.  Argue that with me.  Just try.

I've heard arguments that Trump took "decisive" action to stop travel to the US to curtail the spread of coronavirus.  Those same arguments ignore the fact that travel from Asia was restricted.  Travel from Europe was not restricted so quickly.  That's why NY and the east coast got hit so hard.

If the former President of the United States gets to call it "the China virus", I get to call him "the ginger whispy pubes president" and his wife "the European First Lady", because they are simply accurate factual descriptions of where they came from.

Living in South Carolina during the first part of the outbreak in the states made me feel really smart.  The key demographics that I noticed at a store wearing masks were old people and black people.  Middle-aged white people, I observed, had only about a 10% mask wearing rate out in public.  Fuck, I live in a dumb demographic.  It got to the point where I was making angry Facebook posts about the record-setting death rates in the state, ending in "Wear your fucking mask!" with every post.  I offended a family friend who knew my parents.  I told him to block me.  He complied.  Hey Dick?  Fuck you!

I knew right away that we were fucked and we were not going to get a decent response from the federal government.  The messages they sent were:

- Wear a mask, but you don't have to.

- It's worse than the flu, but it's not worse than the flu.

- WARP SPEED!

- "Very powerful light."

- Disinfectants will work by injection.

That last one really bugged the shit out of me.  At first, I thought "No way Orange Julius actually said that."  Then I watched the replay.  And holy shit, he actually said that.  To his "credit", a lot of the repetitions by comedians and news outlets said he wanted people to inject themselves with bleach.  While the sentiment was there, he never specified which "disinfectant", so it was inaccurate.

I read a story about an married couple who heard about hydroxychloroquine from Trump, found out it was in their fish food, ate it themselves, got sent to the hospital, and the husband died.  GOOD!  Fucking idiots.

today's rant: what I learned in 2019

In 2019:

- I learned that when my daughter throws a bowling ball, it looks like she’s performing a Kamehameha, a la Dragon Ball.

- I learned how cutthroat a child’s gingerbread house competition is.  My daughter’s gifted program had a gingerbread house competition.  Translation:  a lot of parents built gingerbread things for their kids.  Some of these fucks cheated!  Graham crackers are not gingerbread, dipshits!  One family built a Death Star, perfectly round.  How the fuck is that gingerbread?  They served Little Caesars pizza for everyone who paid to get in.  I came to the realization that Little Caesars pizza tastes like what happens when the Pillsbury Dough Boy ejaculates on himself right before falling backwards into an oven that was not properly preheated.  Who the fuck adds muenster cheese to pizza?  Are you high?!  Absolutely nothing that sounds German or like “monster” should be near pizza.  You people should be ashamed of yourselves for inventing it.

- I learned that Rick Santorum appears on CNN.  It is really surreal to see Anderson Cooper and Rick Santorum sitting at the same table on CNN.  If I were Anderson Cooper, I would smack Santorum in his fucking face with a rainbow-colored mace every day he is on.

- I’ve learned my son must have a bladder the size of a thimble.  He interrupted “The Rise of Skywalker” 6 times to go to the bathroom.  “Mommy, can I have some water?”  And I had to respond, “I’m not mommy, and no, you shouldn’t drink anymore because we don’t want to miss the movie.”  Then he surreptitiously gets the water and shamelessly does the potty dance and holds his genitals over his pants like he’s keeping loose jelly beans in the wrong place.

- I learned what a black hole looks like, and it’s kinda cool.

- I learned that California will never not be on fire.

- I learned just how gaping wide Donald Trump’s asshole is from the rigorous fucking he gets from Putin.

- I have not learned what Brexit is going to do because it was delayed repeatedly.

At the point I am writing this piece, the US House of Representatives is close to voting whether to impeach President Orange Julius on the charges of “abuse of power” and “obstruction of Congress”.  As I have predicted, there is no objectivity.  Democrats vote one way, Republicans vote the opposite, so none of them really care.  The charges could be ridiculous, and the argument would be the same.  “The President stuck his erect penis into a jar of grape jelly, then returned it to the fridge.”  “No, he didn’t!  You’re just upset he got elected!”  Personally, I want to believe he abused his power, and I think he does ALL THE FUCKING TIME, but I need more proof than Sondland concluding to himself that Ukraine financial aid was dependent on investigating a political rival.  I need to hear more people close to the big orange talking head testify.  At least obstruction of Congress was proven, because President Cheetos McHairpiece told people not to testify, and is a slam dunk of a charge, but don’t expect 20 Republican Senators to care about that until a Democrat is in trouble.  It is much more likely that the vote will be split because the Democrats will vote for conviction purely for political reasons and the Republicans will vote for acquittal purely for political reasons.  Again, the only positive thing we can get out of this impeachment vote is to get everyone voting on the record and let history and the consequences judge the outcome.

If the US House of Representatives votes to impeach the President, that will be the 2^nd impeachment of my lifetime.  For people like my older family members, it will almost be 3 times, because Nixon resigned before impeachment.  That seems a little weird.  Two impeachments within 20 years of each other.  At this rate, we’ll be having an impeachment every term by the time my kids are out of college.

This shit is ridiculous.  My federal government has lost its goddamn mind.  It’s the same shit back and forth.

Dems:  For the sake of my children and grandchildren…

Reps:  There is no high crime or misdemeanor…

Dems:  There is definitely a high crime or misdemeanor…

Reps:  Duly elected…

Dems:  We don’t want to impeach, but we’re left with no choice…

Reps:  They wanted this for 3 years…

Dems:  He admitted he wants another country to investigate a political rival…

Reps:  Forget about that.  Closed door hearings we weren’t allowed in…

Dems:  You people were in those hearings…

Reps:  Forget that, too.  He did nothing wrong…

Dems:  He abused his power…

Reps:  No, YOU abused your power…

What the fuck is the “duly elected president” phrase that the Republicans keep shitting out of their mouths?  I think they want to portray the idea that he was “properly elected”.  They’ve also thrown out the figure that 63 million people voted for him in 2016.  Yet they ignorantly leave out that 66 million people voted for Hillary.  I’d like to remind everyone that the last two Republican presidents entered office failing to win a majority of popular votes.  I’d also like to remind everyone that 66 is larger than 63.  Just ask any 7-year-old.  Fucking electoral college.  Abolish that shit!

These fuckers aren’t human.  They do not require food.  They are cyborgs and only require a little bit of sterile solution to keep their outer shell spongy.  And in the end, despite hours and hours of debating and reading speeches that after 8 hours have absolutely nothing else to contribute to the conversation, absolutely nothing out of the ordinary of what was expected happened in the final vote.  Stage 2 is complete.  Reality TV show host and casino bankrupter Donald John Drumpf has become the 3^rd president in United States history to be impeached.  Seriously, after the first 7 hours of debating before the vote, doesn’t anyone in the House of Representatives stand up and say, “Seriously, why are we still talking?  We all know what’s going to happen.  I’m hungry.  Let’s vote, go out for dinner, go home, and masturbate.”

today's rant: sexy talk, constitutional colonoscopies

Daylight savings time is coming.  Happy holidays.  I don’t know about you, but I am sure going to love the extra hour of sleep Sunday morning.  We’re going to be out late Saturday night, so I’ll take all of the rest I can get.

Since moving down to SC, I’ve observed some couples have trouble with or end their relationships, and I think it ties to a lack of communication.  Specifically, a lack of sex-related communication.  Maybe I should pat myself on the back that I flat out told my nesting partner last year that I listen to the Vivid (adult) satellite radio station when the kids are not in the car.   It’s honesty.  I even recommended a particular show for her to listen to in case she was interested.

Without names (because I do not have permission; it’s called consent, fuckheads), here is some what I’ve observed:

1. A husband told his wife she couldn’t be friends with my wife anymore because he thought my wife and I were swingers and would try to convert or corrupt her.  Wow.  If only real-life was anywhere near what porn makes it look like.  They are now divorced because he was abusive.

2. An open-marriage couple had problems when the husband was fucking someone without telling his wife.  My opinions:  if and only if everyone knows and consents, then it is not cheating; regardless of open-marriage or closed, hiding and lying is cheating.  BE HONEST!

3.  Another couple tried to claim “open relationship”, but only after the male was caught cheating.  I don’t think that’s a good basis to start an open relationship, or any relationship.  If there is dishonesty going in, there will be dishonesty throughout.

4.  Yet another couple tried to claim “open marriage” but the wife didn’t tell her husband what she was doing with whom when she went out.  They are now divorced.  Again, lack of communication.

5.  My wife had a former coworker’s wife come to her about her suspicions of his infidelity.  The suspicions turned out to be correct.  They are separated.

Side note:  Why the fuck does it take a year of separation to get divorced in SC?  That is retarded!

6.  Polyamorous couple where the guy didn’t disclose to all his partners whom else he was dating and the girl may have failed to disclose a “no fucking in the house” rule to the guy.

7.  See #2 above, except different couple.

Did I mention I know a lot of people in open relationships?  If you are going to try an open relationship, non-monogamy, polyamory, etc., talk about it and agree upon it before you bump genitalia outside the pre-existing relationship.  After that, have fun and maintain status updates on a regular basis with all parties.

And because I do not give a shit about the last two guys my sister-in-law was with, I will use their names:

- Richard Leland Garrett of Rockmart, Georgia was arrested July 2018 for driving with his license suspended or revoked, last March for drug possession, last July for DUI, and got into a car accident last August which gave him brain damage.  Almost all of the information from that last sentence is available within the first 5 search results of a Google search for “Richard Leland Garrett Rockmart Georgia”.  Fucked up, ain’t it?  The final part about brain damage is from personal sources, so take that as accurately as you want.

- Robert Turner of Rome, Georgia is single again after breaking up with at least 2 women I am aware of and getting one of them preggers.  He recently punched a few teeth out of the mouth of a lesbian that refused his sexual advances (I didn't make that up).  He’s probably still working at his father’s Domino’s.  Judging by his Facebook pages (I counted 4, but there could be more), he fantasizes about bathing and gargling Tiger Woods’ magical nut nectar secretly wishing it would impregnate him and being the center of attention for an Atlanta Braves bukkake.  Seriously, ladies, he is not a catch.  Do not feel bad for him when he claims his autism makes him behave this way (Jesus Christ almighty, I wish I was making that last sentence up).

Why is California on fire again?  Didn’t this happen earlier this year?

The following is completely true.  Since the 25^th Amendment of the US Constitution was ratified in 1967, there have been 3 times in US history where the President of the United States has temporarily transferred their office’s powers and duties to the Vice President under Article II, Section 3 of the 25^th Amendment because of colonoscopies.  Reagan had one and needed a subsequent surgery because of it, in which he invoked Section 3 before he had surgery.  W did it twice for 2 separate colonoscopies.  On a side note, Carter considered invoking Section 3 in advance of hemorrhoid surgery.  Why the fuck is there such a correlation between the human ass and the 25^th Amendment of the US Constitution?!

Being a quality engineer, last Halloween, I walked into work wearing a collared shirt with a Boeing 787 Dreamliner logo on it.  I told everyone that I was being a Boeing engineer for Halloween.  I am a geek.

My job has a coffee vending machine.  It has a picture of Wolfgang Puck, a very famous chef and restaurateur, on it.  It’s a vending machine.  It has the phrase “estate grown coffee” on it.  I have absolutely no idea what that means.  Sounds like it came from a plantation.  I will give Mr. Puck the benefit of the doubt that he himself can find the ingredients and know the methods of making a good cup of coffee in his home.  And he looks so happy in his picture!  He is holding a coffee cup in his hand near his chin and his other hand is lifted as if to waft the aromas of his cup toward his nostrils.  He’s wearing his white chef’s jacket, as if he just spent an entire two hours preparing the ingredients (hot water and ground coffee) with expert technique.  However, I’m sure that this vending machine is the product of him licensing out his name and likeness to sell instant coffee.  I know this because using a simple Google search, I can see that the front cover of the vending machine is interchangeable with another generic cover that says “gourmet coffee”.  Again, I don’t believe it is “gourmet”, whatever the fuck that means.

If the US military being ordered to abandon the Kurds from Syria bites us in the ass later on, I will not be surprised.

If you eat one of those trendy hamburgers that have what looks like ground beef but it actually isn’t, please keep in mind that the reason why they call it “plant-based” is because they cannot legally call it “vegetable-based”.  Like that imitation crab meat, you’re probably eating something like kelp sperm.

A few nights ago, I was reading off the different kinds of pasta we had in our pantry to my daughter for dinner.  I came across one where I started to pronounce it but stopped.  I said “We have penne, we have tortellini, we have fa... hang on.  I need to run this by mommy before I say it out loud.”  Two minutes later, after looking up the phonetic sounds of the word and consulting my wife about saying it in front of our kids, I continued, “we have fagottini, we have spaghetti…”  Yes, it sounds the way it is spelled.  In all my Italian-ness, I had never come across “fagottini” before.  I didn’t buy it; my wife did.  Microsoft Word doesn’t even think it’s a real thing.  I told my wife that it sounds like the name of a fruit-flavored martini at a gay bar.  I know that sounds bad, which is why I stopped before I pronounced it in front of my kid before I was sure, but that’s what went through my head at the time.

My family is going back to Long Island for Thanksgiving.  While we are there, my mom wants to take us to see “Disney On Ice Road Trip Adventures”.  My first reaction was “WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?!”  I am imagining a cavalcade of Disney characters travelling through rural areas and entering their worst nightmares.  Daisy Duck is abducted in the backwoods of Georgia, where that banjo-playing kid from Deliverance that looks like they didn’t add enough batter to the cloning process of H. Ross Perot is strumming along while her feathers are plucked and she is roasted alive.  Goofy re-enacts that scene from “Bohemian Rhapsody” when he sees a trucker give a seductive look as he walks into the men’s room of a truck stop bathroom.  Kristoff and Prince Hans of the Southern Isles get drunk in Vegas and get video recorded doing things to each other with Olaf’s stick arms and carrot nose that would make Anna and Elsa gag.

We are going to visit my in-laws for the main meal on Thanksgiving, and my kids are staying with them for the entirety of the stay while the wife and I stay with my mom.  We have set a pre-requisite that there are to be absolutely no political conversations, in front of us or the kids, while the kids are staying there.  That is going to be especially hard given that the impeachment inquiries are taking place.  I’m sure any slip up will result in yelling and us leaving.

The following is a thought experiment to prove that an actual impeachment trial would definitely not result in conviction.  Hypothetically, let’s say it’s 2011, and President Obama is threatening to withhold financial aid to Thailand unless they investigate unfounded conspiratorial rumors that all five of Mitt Romney’s kids are running a very successful brothel for Latter Day Saint little people (or Mormon midgets).  Do all of the Republicans cry out for impeachment for withholding financial aid while the Democrats cry out that such impeachment is a sham?  You bet your fucking ass they do!  Same scenario in 2019:  a president soliciting information to interfere with the election of a political rival.  But when the roles reversed, the exact opposite thing happens.  Therefore, there is absolutely no way that Congress is going to be objective with an impeachment of Dumbo Trump.  No one in Congress will think for themselves.  From the perspective of maintaining political power, they aren’t stupid enough to stop suckling their respective power-tits, and I’d love to hear one of them try to rebut that.  “Yes, I am stupid enough to…”  If the issue of Congresspersons maintaining political power through their parties’ connections was not a factor, this would be a completely different scenario.  However, if I’m objectively OK with Trump getting impeached for this reason, then logically, I’d have to be OK for Obama to get impeached for the same hypothetical reason.

When the 2019 Nobel Prizes were announced in October, I saw someone on my FB news feed asking if President Trump got one.  I responded “…only the prizes for Medicine and Physics have been announced so far.  Maybe he’ll get the prize for Literature because he said, and now I’m quoting, ‘I know words.  I have the best words.’”  Donald actually said that.  In front of a lot of people.  Look it up.  You will never hear an accountant, scientist, actuary, or mathematician say “I know numbers.  I have the best numbers.”  And if you do, you hit them in the head as hard as you can and you drag them out of the room before they seriously fuck something up.  Everyone knows that.

I watched the first day of publicly broadcast impeachment hearings.  I must say that the two witnesses questioned, Ambassador Bill Taylor and Deputy Assistant Secretary of State George Kent, were keeping surprising within-scope of what they have knowledge of.  They didn’t answering anything they don’t know and weren’t answering bullshit questions they have no business answering.  That goes for questions from both parties, because both parties have Reps that are clearly going out-of-bounds with the scope of their questions.  Obama this.  Soviet that.  They weren’t giving either political party many good soundbites, as they shouldn’t.

I love watching a good argumentative dumpster fire.

Trump: “There was no quid pro quo.”

Everyone: “Who said anything about a quid pro quo?”

T: “I did, because I have the best words.  There was no squid pro ro.”

E: “But this transcript of the phone call that you gave out suggests that there was.  See these words you said?”

T: “That’s not quip quote bro.  It was a perfect phone call.”

E: “And all these people were told that Ukraine would only get something if they did a favor for you.  That’s the definition of quid pro quo.”

T: “Fuck quick flo cro!  Ukraine is corrupt and I was perfect in withholding aid.”

E: “So if you withheld aid because they are corrupt, why did you give it to them 2 days after we found out you withheld it?”

T: “Fuck you!”

E: “You got caught.”

T: “See?  No blib mo mo.”

E: “It still counts if you get caught.”

I must reiterate, no matter to what degree Congressional Democrats can argue an impeachable offense, I do not think anyone will make a decision objectively and thus I do not think Trump will be convicted and removed from office.  The best we can hope for is everyone getting on the record what kind of presidential behavior they are willing to condone.

today's rant: impeachment

My mom got my daughter a diary to write in.  Some of the pages are pre-printed to start my daughter out.  One of such pages includes a place to write down someone’s name and write 3 words to describe them.  For me, my daughter wrote “nice, housework”.  She counted “housework” as two words because it’s a compound word.  7-year-olds, am I right?  So, I have been regulated to “domestic servant” status in my daughter’s eyes.  It gets worse.  The 3 words she wrote describing my wife were “addicted to phone”.  I am not making that shit up.  Thanks for the diary, mom.

I’m surprised that Trump has not blamed Hurricane Dorian on the fake news liberal media.

I secretly wished that Hurricane Dorian would destroy Mar a Lago.

Isn’t it great that when a person who works a traditional day job needs something done, everyone or every place who can do it is only open during those normal business hours?  I haven’t been to a dentist in a couple of years, and it has nothing to do with a fear of inflicted tooth pain.  It is because dentists are closed by the time I get out of work.

I find it surreal that there are ceremonies to remember September 11, 2001 held in South Carolina.  Dude, it was a plane in PA, the Pentagon, and the Twin Towers.  I don’t see first responders in SC protesting lack of healthcare because they got mesothelioma from something that happened 18 years ago 700 miles away.  That’s because they weren’t anywhere near it.  I’m pretty sure most of this remembrance bullshit only comes from people with a media outlet.  There simply cannot be enough people that were directly impacted from that day to warrant seeing it blasted on TV and the internet.  I can understand my FB connections who are from NY doing it, but not a SC municipality or TV station.  I don’t see people around my job doing that shit because they’re a lot smarter.

If you get a medical device implanted inside you, and it is later removed because it fell out, hurt too much, or broke, shouldn’t you get your money back?  If you go for therapy, but the therapy doesn’t work, shouldn’t you get your money back?  I may be wrong, but I think the healthcare industry is the ONLY industry in which you pay for something and then do not get a refund if that something didn’t work.  I pissed off my wife when she had an IUD removed because “it moved” and I asked if we were getting our $750 back.  This was years ago, and I still don’t know why she was the one pissed off about me saying that.

Today, I caught someone on FB messenger pretending to be someone they are not.  This is one of those few times where it is PERFECTLY acceptable to stereotype a group of people based on their English language usage and comprehension.  “I just wanna share a good news with you which help me recover and financially okay now”.  “News” isn’t singular, and he was always financially ok.  The person they were pretending to be is a former coworker of mine, and in my experience, he is an asshole.  I know this because I am an asshole.  There was no way he could be in the position he was in and write that sentence with his grammar and his facts wrong.  Therefore, when receiving messages about being “extremely happy for [his] life has experienced with a graceful turn around” and his wishing “God continue to shower his blessing upon [me]”, I knew something was off.  I asked him, at first, politely to tell me where we knew each other.  He said he saw me on his friends list.  I said that wasn’t specific enough.  I asked him a 2^nd time with an air of finality, and a threat to block him, where he met me.  He said on Facebook.  I exclaimed “WRONG!!”, reported him, and blocked him.

I’d like to write about a topic I’ve briefly touched upon before:  impeachment.  As I am typing this paragraph, the US House of Representatives opened an impeachment investigation.  To be honest, I had to remind myself of the whole impeachment process, so I knew not to get my hopes up prematurely.  In short, there are 3 steps.  Step 1 is the investigation done by a congressional committee.  Step 2 is that the House of Representatives votes based on the investigation whether to impeach.  A simple majority is required for that.  Step 3 is the impeachment trial done by the Senate, and (here’s the difficult part) a 2/3 supermajority “guilty” verdict is required to convict.  We in the US are currently veeeeerrrrry early in step 1.

I have previously stated that I would prefer the screaming toupee be voted out of office than impeached, with the reason being that Pence would take over the job as the result of conviction.  Since the US House of Representatives has a majority of its members aligned with the opposite political party as the President, there is actually a legitimate possibility that steps 1 and 2 could be done.  What is going to be difficult is getting 2/3 of Senators to vote guilty in the impeachment trial.  Maybe you’ll get half.  To get 2/3, it would be required for about 40% of Republican Senators to vote against their politically aligned Commander in Chief.  I’m not sure there is a reasonable person that can honestly argue that is possible right now.  All of those Senators’ noses are so brown from kissing and rimming Dumbo Trump’s asshole because of his money and his influence over the retards that elected them that they won’t risk their political power.  It may need something really bad to happen to sway that many Senators, something way beyond political corruption.  Maybe Donald has to set his 3^rd mother-in-law on fire.  Maybe the FBI will find his semen and orange pubic hair on a dry, crusty American flag.  Maybe he’ll pull a Geraldo Rivera and leak some troop positions to enemy combatants.  Until such a time that many Republican Senators can be swayed, the best thing to do is shame them forevermore when they vote “not guilty”.  To me, the most likely positive consequence of completing an impeachment trial is to get everyone on the record for if they condone obstruction of justice and soliciting a foreign power to interfere with potential political rivals.  I don’t think the Senate would convict, but getting everyone on the record is the best we can hope for, and really all we can hope for.  If by some miracle Trump is impeached and convicted right before Election Day 2020, maybe it will be hard for Pence to be elected to take his place.  Honestly, I don’t know.  People are so fucked up and stupid I can believe anything at this point.  It makes Santa Claus/Easter Bunny 2020 look like a probability.  Democrats, don’t fuck this up.  Remember John Kerry?  No?  Exactly my point!

I’m really happy that Twitter posts are not legal doctrine.  I don’t have a Twitter account, but some buttfuckers in the news and on the internet think it is important to relay what elected officials, and “elected” officials (fucking electoral college…), have to say in their limited text box with all of their pound signs. Yes, assholes.  I’m calling them pound signs.  That’s what it is when I need to make a payment to a doctor’s office over the phone, call customer service overseas because my sprinkler is spraying water out everywhere except the nozzle, or bitch and moan at the post office when the package I’m tracking is going in the opposite direction.  It’s not called “hashtag”; it’s a pound sign.  Anyway, back to my original gripe, it seems inherently retarded when people who have been elected to legally represent us in government and make decisions on our behalf use a communications medium that has a limit on how many characters can be typed in at once.  That sounds like some 1984 bullshit trying to dumb down the country by dumbing down the language.  I’m not falling for it.  However, to be honest, I am all for limiting the terms of elected officials, both their time spent in office and the monumentally stupid words that come out of their heads.  I just would have preferred a shock collar or a mute button hooked up to their vocal chords over a text field with limited space.  Thomas Jefferson should rise from the dead and slap his decomposing penis across the face of every single federal government official who has a Twitter account, then stab Trump in the ear with the same quill he used to finish the Declaration of Independence.  That’s how you make a fucking doctrine.

I feel bad for conservative women.  I feel that way because I know that women are objectively smarter than men, so I think these cunts must have had something truly sadomasochistic happen to them by some stupid mongoloid of a conservative male influence to fuck up things for them for the rest of their lives.  Only that would let them willingly give up their rights over their bodies and submit to cultural gender expectations.

Twice in the past year, I have sat with my wife having drinks at a lesbian bar with a girl-girl couple, different couple each time, and one of them at each time had been drunk enough to say to me, louder than normal due to the alcohol, “YOU ARE SUCH A GOOD GUY!”  I sit there thinking, “Where were you as my wingman when I was single?!”  On the bright side, it is good to know that I am still acceptable by lesbian standards.

I definitely do not “work hard, play hard”.  I “work hard, pass out”.

On the day I am writing this paragraph, President Donald Trump is in the beginnings of an impeachment inquiry by the US House of Representatives, which he recently referred to as a lynching, and is visiting Benedict College in Columbia, SC.  I work very close to the airport into which he is being flown.  The local news outlets did not fail to notice that he planned on speaking to a historically black college days after his “lynching” comment.  I’m sure the friendly locals and those who attend the college will remind him what the definition of a lynching is.  Some people hoping to be Democratic candidate are speaking tomorrow.  At each event, tickets are $45 and there is a question/answer phase.  So someone has to pay money to either gripe at or praise the person talking during a Q&A about criminal justice reform.  Being in the south, I am not surprised that the news reported Drumpf’s session is sold out.

I find it stupid that the US Senate can vote to make a resolution to condemn the impeachment inquiry underway by the other house of Congress.  Doesn’t that mean that they can just resolute the fuck out of each other, since resolutions and condemnations have no actual consequence other than being on legal record?  That is akin to my wife and I kids calling each other poopy-butt and toilet-baby back and forth all day long.

Recently, I’ve been cutting off alcohol consumption at home and in public.  This posed a culinary challenge to be because I consider my self a beer snob and like to try different varieties from different sources.  However, I think I can find a way to compensate for that:  coffee.  I’m thinking about eventually becoming a coffee snob.  I am, unfortunately, unwilling to install a quality espresso machine in my house since that will run me a few hundred dollars.  I can still try new coffees, whole bean or ground, carafe or Keurig.  On a positive side, I cannot get in trouble for doing this recreationally at work.

today's rant: cooking

I cook.  A lot.  And I like to cook, as well.  I believe it comes from two influencing factors:  I’m half-Italian (and we fuckers love food) and I remember my dad and his friends using a charcoal grill.  I started cooking when I was in my teens, primarily using a grill.  I consider those times to be a collection of mistakes that I had to make in order to learn from them.  Translation:  I burned a lot of hamburgers, hotdogs, steaks, and chicken.

One life lesson I learned as a teenager is that charcoal needs to be stacked in a pyramid and lit from the bottom.  Think of that scene in “The Dark Knight” where Heath Ledger’s Joker lights that huge fucking pile of cash on fire with the mob-accountant Lao at the top.  Once you get the bottom going, the rest will take care of itself.  “Everything burns”, so to speak.

One piece of cooking bullshit that I encourage everyone to stay away from is buying really-specific-food preparation utensils.  Pineapple corers, banana slicers, banana hooks, onion containers, all infomercial cooking items and tools, and especially the Instant Pot.  Fuck the Instant Pot.  Who needs a yogurt maker?  Saute/searing pan my ass.  I already have that, and it’s shallow so I can grab and flip shit easily.  I don’t need a steamer.  I need a pot with water in it, which, again, I have.  I don’t need a pressure cooker.  None of my recipes call for one.  I’ve never needed a rice cooker.  I don’t need a food warmer.  For that, I have an oven that goes down below 200 degrees.  Throw that other shit away!  This is all you really need to cook:

an oven and stove, a high-quality large skillet pan, a high-quality frying pan, some pots to boil water, a baking pan, some cookie sheets, tongs, spatula, meat thermometer, a high-quality knife, and a cutting board that isn’t a pain in the ass to clean.  If you can’t cook with just those, you don’t belong in the kitchen.  Get the fuck out before I splash boiling water on you.

For the love of God, do NOT buy any cooking gear that has the word “copper” in it.  Copper may be an awesome conductor of heat, but it has no non-stick properties whatsoever.  That’s why non-stick coating is added, and most of them on copper cookware are crap!  Put simply:  if you cannot see the non-stick coating, it isn’t enough.  That’s why Teflon coating is black on other pans.  Do you really want rusted green shit in your shit?  I don’t think so. Mr. Jolly Green Giant Turds.  Same thing goes for ceramic cookware, too.  Buy steel or titanium.  Do not buy aluminum.  That shit bends.

Large family gatherings are a delight in an Italian family, outside the accusations of who’s abusing Grandma.  Even those family members who can’t cook know where to get good Italian food, either catered or at a restaurant.  If you’ve never been to an Italian restaurant in New York, you are truly missing out.  Even the pizzeria’s have good Italian entrees. In fact, if you’re within 100 miles of Manhattan, you are not too far from decent Italian food.  My mouth is watering thinking about it. 

As a quality control professional, it pisses me off when sales and business people complain to me that things that I do or things I reject are going to cost such and such amount of money.  Part of my job is to figure out the politest way of saying “I don’t give a shit!”  It’s not my job to worry about what something costs.  It’s my job to make sure what the customer gets is exactly what they asked for and what they expected.  What’s the matter?  Are you upset because the part you sent us doesn’t match the purchase order we sent you, and it will cost too much money to send back?  Fuck you!  You shouldn’t have made or delivered the wrong part.  No one fucking told you to make the wrong part.  You did that.  Are you upset that the part I rejected doesn’t have the correct cost logged in our system?  Fuck you!  I don’t do that shit!  Do I look like a fucking buyer?  I have a caliper in one hand and a CMM probe in the other.  I care if the material we use is right or wrong, not how much it costs.  Stop making or ordering 200 parts you’ve never done before and getting upset when I say it’s not right.

My wife is a lot more sociable than I am, and she has been since we moved to SC.  She found niches in Facebook groups about moms and mom stuff and mom activities.  Babywearers of SC, Milk Maids breastfeeding groups, Mom Blogs, groups like that.  One side effect of her social life is that I have to handle our kids while we travel on weekends to attend those group meetings.  Yay.  Now I get to watch our kids yell at or get yelled at by other mom’s kids for 3 hours while they discuss proper ring sling baby carrier techniques.  Now I get to chauffer everyone to meet at a Walmart parking lot to get frozen breast milk from a donor to provide to someone else.  Fun fact:  it’s interesting to watch what happens to a baby that is drinking donor milk from a donor that eats a lot of spicy food.

I’m told I get PTO at work, which stands for “paid time off”.  This is time I earn every paycheck to use as I see fit for vacation and sick time.  This would’ve been more accurate if I was not a parent.  As a parent, there is no such thing as “vacation”.  This time I earn per paycheck is time saved in case my kids get sick and I must leave work.  I think that when I put down that I have dependents under the age of 26 on my W2, my job should automatically re-classify the time off into a phrase that is much more accurate.  They should call it “just-in-case-kid-pukes-at-school time off”, or JICKPASTO.

There are two phrases that I could have gone through the month of June without needing to hear: “straight pride” and “the gay agenda”.  If I dumb myself down enough, I think some retard could argue “Well, if there’s gay pride, then I should be able to have straight pride.”  As if a church-approved institution of marriage wasn’t good enough for me.  As if anyone would beat the shit out of me and leave me to die tied to a fence in the middle of an open field because I put my penis in a vagina (don’t dwell on that thought; you’ll scar the back of your eyes).  Please.  I’ve never had to prove myself as a person despite my hetero-normative relationship with my wife.  Sounds like some more conservative, white, male bullshit.  I don’t think a woman could’ve been stupid enough to come up with that concept.  I’m not sure what exactly is on “the gay agenda”, but I am confident of 2 things.  Firstly, “destroy the institution of marriage” isn’t on there.  The reason is because they’re too late.  Michael Jackson, Larry King, and Donald Trump got married.  C’mon, how serious of an institution are we talking about?  Secondly, if there was a “gay agenda”, I’m pretty sure one of the first things on the agenda would be “don’t get harassed at work today.”

I read a local news article that my county government is proposing to ban plastic bags at grocery stores.  I saw this news article on Facebook, so naturally, there were some retards looking for attention in the comments section.  Two of the top three most popular comments were dismissive of the idea because they think it’s governmental control.  Yeah, goddamnit!  Fuck government for trying to make where we live more habitable for humans to exist.  I replied to one of them, just to see what will happen and give them a taste of their own attention seeking medicine.  Am I any better than them?  …Yes.  By the way, they didn’t reply.

Imagine Vladimir Putin shoving a 9 iron up Donald Trump’s bunghole while they are both wearing Mexican gardening clothes at Mar a Lago.  There’s no point I’m trying to make.  Just imagine that for a minute or six.  It might make you feel better or it might upset you.  If it upset you, you probably found the idea of lynching Obama funny while he was in office, and that objectively makes me a better person than you.  A presidential golf sodomy joke is better than a presidential lynching joke 100% of the time.  OK, honestly, I started making this paragraph without a point, but it looks like I made one in the end.  So did Putin.  A hole in one.  In the end.

Please allow me to rebut 50% of the complaints about that last paragraph now saying “Hillary is a crook!  Hillary is a murderer!”.  OK.  I didn’t vote for her either, so fuck you.  I don’t give a shit about your comment.  My preference would be he is voted out of office over impeachment.  Impeachment and conviction mean we then deal with Pence.  Ugh.

If the President of the United States is the Commander in Chief of the U.S. military, can they be Court Martialed?  I ask because with Dumbo Drumpf’s interest in Greenland, I am reminded of a quote from the Sgt. Bilko movie with Steve Martin and Phil Hartman: “The didn’t have enough to evidence to Court Martial him, so they sent him off to Greenland.”  Mr. Mueller, take a hint.

Hypothetically speaking, if “tweets” from one Twitter user’s account caused billions of dollars in market capital to be lost in the stock market, wouldn’t you expect that account to be at least suspended?  I’d even make an argument for SEC violations for market manipulation.

today's rant: ABORTION! and flat earthers

Abortions for all!!
<booooooooooooooooooooo>
Very well.  No abortions for anyone!!
<booooooooooooooooooooo>
Hmm... Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others!!
<yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay>

My wife considered Barack Obama to be the emperor of abortions.  I made fun of her a lot about that.

Now, you may be asking yourself, "Self, what does this asshole behind a keyboard and a 10 year old Acer computer screen have to say about abortions?"  So let's get the political conversation out of the way.  Ready?  I'm not a woman, so it's not my fucking issue.  Conversation over.  You want an abortion, go get one.  You don't?  Then man-up and raise the little fucker.

I do not like to deal much in conspiracy theories.  Unfortunately, with the internet, bullshit and propaganda mixed with trolls and Adobe Photoshop make it hard to discern what is real.  That leads to people seeing a very blurry line between scientific evidence and a mental health problem.  Flat-earthers, I AM TALKING TO YOU!  You are mentally ill, and I will prove it:  gravity.  F = (GMm)/(r^2).  The force of gravity (F) has been proven to be the universal gravitational constant (G) times the mass of the object 1 (M) times the mass of object 2 (m) divided by the distance between the centers of each object (r) squared.  Earth must not be flat, otherwise the force of gravity further away from the center of your precious flat disc would be exponentially weaker as the distance away from the center of Earth's mass increased.  Also, gravity at the magnetic poles is stronger, because of the oblate spheroid shape of the planet.  Now, let me stop you right there before you say "There is no South Pole and there is no gravity.  What you think is gravity is the ethereal wind pushing the underside of the planet up at a constant acceleration of 9.8 meters per second squared."  To which I say "You are fucking retarded" because I can disprove that too.  At a constant acceleration of 9.8 meters per second squared, an object will have traveled 4.58 billion kilometers and take just short of one year before hitting the speed of light.  IT WOULD TAKE INFINITE ENERGY FOR ANY MASS TO TRAVEL AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT, WHICH IS IMPOSSIBLE, AND IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ANY MASS TO TRAVEL FASTER THAN LIGHT.  Do you know anything that is at least one year old?  Good.  Therefore, there is no ethereal wind pushing an earth-disc.

When I heard that people still believe they are living in the 1400s with this bullshit, I surprisingly got REALLY angry.  Instead of testing a hypothesis and analyzing evidence to form a conclusion, people already form a conclusion, then mis-interpret or manipulate evidence to make their conclusion sound valid.  That is not science.  That is religion, paranoia, and mental illness, all of which are not mutually exclusive.  Someone create a Venn-diagram of all 3 overlapping.  I'd love to see that.

On the flip side of the coin, here are some things that I think probably exist, though I haven't seen direct evidence.  Don't worry, I'll follow up with a list of things I do not think can possibly be true.

Probably exist:
Alien life on other planets
Secret societies benefiting the elite
The G-spot

Probably not:
Time travel
Alien life on Earth
Secret societies benefiting the socially marginalized

Definitely not:
Lochness monster
Sasquatch
Dog-men
A person who has read the user agreement to any piece of software they use.

Today's rant: what I learned in 2018

Here is what I learned in 2018:

- Human Resources sucks donkey balls.
- I found out what a pride parade is like since I had never been to one before this year.
- I will never, ever be able to save money for a decent vacation.  Some new expense always pops up.
- I lock my keys in my waaaaay too much.  It has happened 2 or 3 times in the past year and a half.  Good thing I have AAA.  My problem is that I lock my door before closing it.  I have been training myself to lock it with my key button after I close the door.  That way I have the key with me.
- Israel will not approve a passport that is within 6 months of expiration.  I had to cough up $110 to renew my passport early.  Don't worry, Israel.  I only want to visit.  I don't want to stay there forever.  You guys can fight over the area to your hearts' content.

I have reaffirmed that my sister-in-law, bless her heart, has verrrrrrry bad taste in men.  She is book smart and has a Master's degree, but they do not teach street smarts in graduate school.  She has had bad relationships with fucking dumbasses since I met her.  She is lining up a Mount Rushmore of bad relationships.  There was Dumbo who fucked up my back deck when I still lived in NY.  There's her junkie baby-daddy Leland Garrett who fucked up her house by stuffing garbage under her couch and cheated on her while she was on a business trip while their daughter was in the house.  Leland Garrett once snuck out of in the middle of the night after Thanksgiving dinner to go buy drugs.  He was caught by my father-in-law.  That was a bad one.  This year, she married a guy who worked at a Domino's.  Mr. Robert Turner from Rome, GA.  When we found out she was dating a person working at his father's Domino's, my wife asked her on speaker phone "Why would you date that pizza shit?!"  It's probably the funniest thing my wife has ever said.  It was made even funnier when we found out that he was listening on my sister-in-law's speaker phone.  That pretty much set the tone for our relationship with him for the following year.  Robert Turner from Rome, GA.  I met him around Christmas time 2017.  He tried to be excited and connect with me waaaay too hard about Star Wars.  We were nice to him and took out to see The Last Jedi.  The fucker fell asleep halfway through.  Look, if you are going to have an opinion on The Last Jedi, like it or hate it, at least stay awake.  "Star Wars fan" my clean-shaven ass crack.

Robert Turner from Rome, GA has a butthole dimple on his chin.

In February, my sister-in-law scratched the itch we were afraid she'd scratch and married the guy in a wedding chapel in upstate GA.  Devil's advocate:  not the way to find a father-figure for your daughter.  A few months ago, she moved back to NY to find a new job and took him with her to live with my in-laws.  That's when the stories from my in-laws started.  Can't do shit.  Dumb as bricks.  The highlight of his stay in NY was getting a seasonal job at Costco in November.  That's not a bad thing.  Being caught not going; that's the bad thing.

The father of Robert Turner from Rome, GA would never give him a promotion in years of working at a Domino's.

Leland Garrett likes to break into homes he has been kicked out of to sleep.

Apparently, a few months of being cooped up in my in-laws place spouts paranoia.  Good thing I never made that mistake.  Robert Turner from Rome, GA accused her of fucking her supervisor and blew up her phone during meetings.  On New Years Day, he hopped a plane back to GA, got robbed by a transexual hooker, knocked up someone new to spread is weak genes, and ended up with some other woman.

If you know Robert Turner from Rome, GA, I know you are going to lambaste me.  Fun fact:  if you are the demographic of people who would consider Robert Turner from Rome, GA friend or family, I doubt you will know what "lambaste" means without looking it up.  White trash like you are the reason the average IQ is dropping.

Today's rant: fall holidays

What’s the difference between “alternative facts” and “fake news”?  I think they can mean the same thing.  By the strictest definition of the word “fact”, there can be no alternative.  Facts are things that can be proven true.  Fact is not truth, thank you Indiana Jones.  Truth is subjective from person to person.  Since a fact is proven, there is no middle-ground or ambiguity.  Therefore, there is no “alternative” that is proven true.  An “alternative fact” sounds like something proven untrue:  a lie.  And the word “fake” means inauthentic, not genuine, not based in reality.  I could call “fake” a lie in the correct context.  To the current presidential administration, “alternative facts” is what you say when your people lie; “fake news” is what you say when you want people to think the other people lie.  To them, lies are just Jim Dandy, as long as they are coming from their people.  Well FUCK YOU, you shit-eating cunt!  That’s right, I’m upgrading Kellyanne Conway to official CUNT status, right next to Rosie O’Donnell, Nancy Grace, and those bitches from “The View”.

Don’t get me wrong, all major news is fake.  CNBC to Fox, HuffPost to InfoWars.  This is what gripes me about the president being selective about what he calls “fake”.  To him, everything is fake except that which agrees with him.  That’s not a red flag that something is wrong; that’s a crimson flag.  However, all of the major ones are more than guilty of selectively spinning events to purport a political agenda.  The two recent mass-tragedies are conclusive proof.  All you have to do is see those jabbering pundits talk non-stop of how the other political extreme is to blame and how the blame is being redirected back on themselves, while not actually blaming the perpetrators.  Verbal diarrhea, non-stop.  I’m not going to tell you where to get your information.  I’m telling you to question the tone and word choice the publishers and writers use.  Don’t be too fucking stupid.

…OK, I will at least tell you where to NOT get your news from.

- Anything that has a name that combines two or more words without a space in between (see the previous paragraph for examples).  That type of stylizing will make people retarded, which is probably their intention.  That’s what they did in 1984, you ignorant pricks!  They dumbed down the vocabulary to keep people from using critical thinking.  USE THE FUCKING SPACE BAR!  IT’S THE BIGGEST BUTTON ON THE KEYBOARD FOR A GODDAMN REASON!

- Social media, especially Facebook.

- Cable news networks.

- Any content a magazine that is exactly one page long and on the right-hand page.  That’s not a medical report, that a prescription drug advertisement.

With the verbal tick that is Dumbo Trump’s favorite phrase, “fake news”, I wonder why I’ve never heard of an instance of his use of the phrase to describe the online conspiracies that are in his political favor.  I’d really like to see a credible source.  Someone, even you Russians who occasionally look at these posts, anyone, explain where an anti-liberal story or conspiracy can be proven fake (with citations) and show me a citation where Trump denounces it.  Pizzagate, that’s a good idea.  The idea that Hillary Clinton was running an organization in the basement of a pizzeria for pedophelia.  You know, the story not-so-ridiculous enough that some conservative retard barged into the pizzeria with a fucking gun.  Show me where Trump said that conspiracy was “fake news”.

How come whenever I see a dead bug on the floor, it’s always upside-down?

As an adult, I have experienced three different intentions for Halloween.

- It’s a harvest holiday.  Being from suburban NY, we don’t harvest shit. (adapted from Lewis Black)

- It’s a children’s holiday.  Those fuckers run around all night burning calories to earn candy that will make up for those calories 100-fold.  It’s also the one time of year that my kids learn the financial concepts of “income tax” and “penalties”.

- It’s a sexy/slutty holiday.  This excuse was made up by adults to make themselves feel younger and experiment with role playing.  Good, wholesome fun as I’ve ever heard.

Happy belated Mischief Night, Halloween, All Saints Day, All Souls Day, Election Day, Veterans Day, school administrative holiday, Thanksgiving, and Black Friday (holy shit, that was a lot).

I know I rag on the Republicans a lot, but goddamnit, they give me a lot of good fodder.  I was willing to bet money that if the Republicans maintained control of both houses of Congress, Dumbo Trump will announce that is was the BIGGEST…VOTER…TURNOUT…EVER.  He’ll say it for either a midterm election or any other, but I don’t have that specific detail because his hyperbole is a slippery motherfucker.  As you’re reading those capitalized words, I know that you are mentally picturing the hand gestures accentuating every word that President Orange Julius is accustomed to making, and if you didn’t before, you are now.  He may even throw in some disproportionate approval ratings from women and minorities.  I’m not taking money bets on those, though.

Well, as it turned out, Democrats won majority of the House of Representatives.  That means that for the next 2 years, absolutely nothing will be approved by Congress.  Locally, referendums in my county approved a tax hike to spend on schools (I voted for) and disapproved with an amendment to the SC state constitution giving the governor power to choose a Superintendent of Education if the position is vacated (I voted against).  In short, I’m ok with raising my taxes for my kids schools.  Local kids will get smarter and that will trickle down into increased property value.  However, the Superintendent thing seemed like a power grab by our governor, the Trumpet (Trump puppet).  I don’t want someone like Betsy DeVos, who doesn’t know a goddamn thing about education and is in the back pocket of charter schools, to be able to be chosen to take the position.  When it comes to the position of US Secretary of Education, currently held by DeVos, I think it would help if that person at some point in their life was… maybe… a teacher?  The bitch is a career politician.  She has never worked a teaching gig in her life.  I believe this is the kind of person that would be sneaked into the position in SC if that kind of shitty amendment passed.  I will happily vote for a daycare teacher over someone like that, because I know the daycare teacher knows what the fuck they are talking about when it comes to education and children.

Remember, folks:  if you vote, then you have every right to complain.

Another one-liner:  Opinions are like assholes:  mine is awesome.

Here’s something that I’m surprised people don’t talk about in public:  how great it feels to pop a good zit.  You ever find one that looks like it’s been brewing for a few days and you’re surprised you didn’t see it sooner?  But once you get fingers near it, it starts feeling hot and irritated and you wonder how the hell it wasn’t bothering you until just this moment?  At that point, instinct takes over and you gotta pop that son of a bitch.  I’m talking “get this fucking shit out!”  I’m not sure what everyone’s technique is, but I like cornering the little fucker between the fingernails of my right and left index fingers and pushing them together.  There are 3 things that can happen that make me feel like the king of the world when popping a pustule.  Firstly, actually hearing it pop.  I feel a sense of accomplishment when I can hear it, because my hearing usually sucks.  It makes me feel l have super hearing.  Secondly, getting a really deep-seated one out because that fucking thing was bothering me all day long, building pressure with no place to release it.  It feels like it’s pushing through multiple layers of skin and tissue, and that fucker pops like a fucking volcano!  All red and smoky.  Thirdly, when a projectile of pus hits the mirror you’re standing in front of.  That’s a branch of projectile motion physics I’ve yet to see being studied.  Also, even though it hurts getting a really decent zit popped, doesn’t the pain feel good?  YES IT DOES!  That pain at the moment of popping is you crossing the finish line in a moment of glory.  You did it.  You got it out.  It’s over.  Remember, it’s over.  Don’t go back and start fucking with the area all over again.  I know it still feels pressurized like there’s something else in there.  There isn’t.  That’s just the area swollen and irritated because of the deep mining you just did.  Leave it alone; don’t irritate it more.  It’ll take longer to heal.  If you have to do something, wait an hour and scrape your fingernail lightly over it to get that little yellow pus crystal that forms afterward off your body.  Besides that, leave it alone until tomorrow.  Tomorrow, you can see if there is anything left in there to excavate again.

OK, back to holidays.  Cruising past Halloween and Election Day, we head to Thanksgiving:  the one day a year we express our appreciation for what we have and spend part of that same celebration planning to buy more stupid, frivolous shit the following day, because economics.  There are only 2 items on my Black Friday List:  a Rubbermaid set and new pillows, and I’m ordering those online to avoid the lines.  Besides that, everyone else can wait in line at the mall and trample each other to death like they’re rioting at a professional soccer game when they should be just eating, drinking, watching football, and passing out.  Once again, the sales start earlier and earlier.  2PM on Thanksgiving?  I’m not even going to be taking the turkey out by then!  Please, don’t go out shopping.

As I was perusing online news stories in my downtime, I think I found a nice gem worthy of submitting to the Darwin Awards.  This is from the British publisher “Daily Mail”.  The first line is awesome:  “A man was mowed down and killed by a Boeing 737 as it took off at a major Russian airport.”  HOLY SHIT!  He was run over by a commercial jet!  What the fuck was he doing on the tarmac?   Well, the man was being deported back to Armenia and needed to make a connecting flight in Russia.  “Albert Yepremyan, 25, had been deported from Madrid to his native Armenia when he fled the terminal during a stopover in Moscow, say reports.”  He was running away from the terminal and got “mowed down” by a 737!  Stories like these make me happy because it makes me feel smart.